everybody leads

the denumount

2008-06-24T09:49:00.007-05:00

6/24/08

"promise me you'll never forget me because if you thought i would i'd never leave."
-winnie the pooh, a.a. milne

this is the way it feels to nearly be finished. i am yet uncertain about my future, and wonder what kind of events will occur.

i'll call it "tying up loose ends." the act of removing my belongings from the cabinets and desk top. clearing my computer of personal information, documents, and portfolio items. taking one last good swivel in this chair. i'll look out the window for old time's sake.

veronica is quiet in a kind manner. i don't know that she is sad, or if she's just used to seeing people move along from this position. there won't be an ally at the red cross next year due to budget constraints, so she'll have to rely on volunteers.

it's strange to look into the eyes of my co-workers, some who have become friends, others that i've only begun to get to know. they seem a tinge jealous about my moving on, gazing listlessly out, and muttering words of encouragement. you'll figure it out. there's a bright future ahead. so many possibilities. i nodded, listening, hoping they were right.

as for the other allies, we've been spending so much time together with final retreat and presentations of learning, i think i'm looking forward to being part of something, but still being an individual. that's not to say i'm not pleased to have met some of the allies.

i know i'll be seeing some of them in the future as we move to shape the future of our city, and ultimately our lives. i know i'll appreciate all of this later, even if i'm still sorting it all out now.

we had a good time at final retreat. i think the reality of the end is setting in on us now. luis, jacki, meghan, jenni, fallicy and i dorve recklessly down to oconomowoc, talking about mysticism and music the whole way. luis became bored of the banter and started to drift off to sleep, pulling us off the road.

miraculously, we arrived on time, and in one piece. after being ushered into an unattractive conference room, we sat for a long time, and were punished with another public allies sponsored trip to pizza hut. i was rooming with jenni, and as we walked to the hut, everyone was going in every direction. she threw her hands up into the air and said, "this is what happens when everybody leads."

we danced the night away, some used the spa, others took advantage of cable television for one night. we were exhausted in the morning. our tsp teams had to give one final presentation on the projects, and awards were given.

the final retreat was ended by a closing circle that was incredibly moving. everyone stood with their eyes closed while selected individuals walked within the circle, essentially touching those who had touched them through the program.

touch someone who you will never forget.
touch someone who has inspired you.
touch someone who stands up for what they believe in.

these were only some of the questions, but it was hard. you almost wanted to touch everyone, but there really wasn't any time. and while you stood with your eyes closed and felt people touching you, it was hard to contain the emotions that came with it all. people cried, laughed, beamed. we went home happy, ending the final retreat with tears of happiness and relief in the parking lot.

beloved community

2008-06-16T09:47:00.006-05:00

6/13/08

the past few days have been intense. public allies class of 2008 has been giving our presentations of learning in the middle of tornadoesque weather. might i also add that they have been amazing.

presentations of learning are a way of showcasing the skills and experiences amassed during the program. some are very heartfelt and personal, others are rigid and professional. the rest fall somewhere in between.

our pol's fell on the first and second thursday and friday of june. we've gathered together in the awkward gray-bathed conference room and watched silently (or very near silently) as one by one, our allies emptied the contents of the past ten months. some laughed, some cried, one even danced. another, one of the fellows, gave out roses to the class and staff in praise.

i have to say that hearing people's pol's was refreshing for me. if i didn't feel any connection to the class before, i am certain i am very much a part of it after. i watched my peers deliver the words conceived on the first day of core in the field, and now i feel like i really know them.

i'm glad to have experienced this outpouring of development. though it wasn't always in the same way, everyone definitely grew. the presentations also forced people to analyze the last ten months critically, in a room full of people who were there too.

an additional part of the pol is that you present to a panel of folks made up of community leaders, nonprofit workers, and p.a. alum and staff. after each presentation, the panel is given 10 minutes of questioning.

i was anxious about this part of the process. i wrote my pol in a manner that allowed me to say what met the requirements without going off on a tirade about some of the experiences i had. (i understand that we're supposed to be creating a culture of honesty, but at this point, i think my honesty would have only been damaging to the relationships i've only begun to build.) of course, panel i had was keen --stacked with a national office staff, an alum, a trainer, and a community leader. they wanted to know why i hadn't discussed more personal issues.

luckily, or ironically, there was a tornado warning right at the end of my presentation, so i was given a moment to "come up for air." i had to answer carefully, and found myself lost in my own words as i expressed truths i hadn't be aware of knowing up until that point. it was strangely liberating and terrifying all at the same time.

i'm glad i got the chance to be part of this tribe. ten months ago, we were perfect strangers. now, we stand up for our beliefs, and we stand up for each other. we're also willing to challenge each other, and demand integrity. the questions asked by my peers and panelists were thoughtful, and the comments and criticisms were honest and insightful. they helped me to find myself even as i lost myself, and remind me that i am lucky to have known it at all.

i believe in the brotherhood of all men, but i don't believe in wasting brotherhood on anyone who doesn't want to practice it with me. brotherhood is a two-way street.
-malcolm x

the other side of the table

2008-06-16T09:46:00.016-05:00

06/09/08

after getting an email from ms shana lucas, i volunteered to do a little bit of p.a. service and help with interviews for next year's ally class. i rode on over to the uwm student union, thinking back to my first interview.

i came in, wearing the very polka-dot dress i still wear pretty frequently. in fact, the interview outfit i'm wearing now is almost identical to the one i wore sitting on the other side of the table from kate flynn and 2 allies from the class. i wasn't nervous, per say, just uncertian. i read about all the things public allies was supposed to be and what the commitments were, and it reminded me a lot of the high school i attended back in racine. community involvement, hard work, and leadership. i thought to myself i can do this.

sitting on the other side of the table today was just as strange for me. how was i going to know who would make a good fit? what if my first impression of the person wasn't a good one? what if i made a mistake? was i qualified to make this kind of decision? i sucked down some coffee, and looked across the table into the eyes of people who really seemed like they were ready to make a difference. i know that look, and so i knew what to look for.

i guess it's true that everything really does come fulll circle. i hate that phrase, but it really came into perspective for me there at those interviews. because i haven't quite "made it" yet, i've never had the opportunity to really contribute to the process of something that i felt was worthwhile. in doing this part of the program, i felt like i had a part in creating the sustaining legacy for next year's class, and quite possibly classes of the future.

into the wilderness

2008-06-16T09:46:00.012-05:00

06/07/08
samadhi and i joined andrew, amber, kasia, and dave on a hike down the beerline trail saturday. we hiked down through gordon park and listened to tales from vince bushnell about the activities that used to happen along the trail (the railway that helped secure its name, ice skating on the river, rowing, and ski jumping)and descriptions and histories of plants, including native flower species and invasives.

the day was really great. we hiked along and watched the animals around us, felt the breeze and samadhi touched as many plants as he could. it was nice to get out and walk, to take advantage of a neighborhood resource that was quite literally, right in our back yard.

i've been trying to get more involved in the activities around the neighborhood since the beginning of our tsp project. i see the value of all these things around me, and also the opportunity to develop and maintain relationships with others. and the more i find myself interacting with the community, the easier i find it to be a part of the things that are going on.

i am especially becoming entrenched in the green aspects of my neighborhood. i have my whole yard dug up, and seeds are sprouting everywhere. all my neighbors, yound and old, of all races, stop and talk as i pull weeds or plant flowers. it's developing a life of its own while helping me to build a community.

the entire fruit is already present in the seed.
-tertullian

preview to my presentation of learning

2008-06-03T15:02:00.001-05:00

6/3/08

as the time draws closer for our presentations of learning, i am getting a little antsy. i finished the report and powerpoint weeks ago, and now i can only wait. here is a poor quality preview of my presentation of learning slideshow. when i uploaded it, the formatting changed a bit. the real thing will be much better, and you won't have to push the buttons on your own.

i will be discussing the 3 actions for ally preparedness on thursday, june 12th from 2:15 to 2:45 at the uwm school of continuing education, located at 161 w wisconsin avenue, suite 6000.

feel free to come and show your support as i complete one of the graduation requirements for public allies. if you'd like more information, you can email me at rosyricks@gmail.com

| View | Upload your own

gift seat

2008-06-02T10:29:00.007-05:00

6/2/08

here is a photo of me doing my disaster education thing at the bayview community center last month. the picture, taken by jim bovin, appeared in the journal sentinel this weekend.

we did the second round of gift seats on friday at the school of continuing education. i have to say it wasn't as painful as it could have been. michael sat in for us, and everyone made an effort to be kind to one another, offering insight on the way they felt the project went.

i felt some of my critiques were spot on, and some missed the mark by miles. i suppose i've learned that part of this feedback process is to determine what needs to be worked on, and what is a symptom of something else- perhaps a personal issue between the giver of the critique, and the recipient. i can take what i need and leave the rest. the feedback sessions have allowed me to see what i am truly good at, based on more than my opinion. i also have a better grasp on what i enjoy doing, and what might be left for someone else to tackle.

as the year is winding down, i find myself looking forward to the opportunities ahead. i am confident, competent, and strong. i don't know where i'm headed, but it has to be forward.

to be a good woman...

2008-05-28T14:23:00.003-05:00

5/58/08

fame is a vapor, popularity an accident, riches take wing, and only character endures.
— horace greeley

it's been a while. i know.

i've taken a step back momentarily, in order to preserve the integrity of my intentions. rather than writing an entry and sugar-coating the facts, i decided to hold off and write after i've had a chance to reflect. since my last update, much has happened.

we had an incredible service day at devil's lake state park. we boarded the bus at 6:30 in the morning at uwm continuing ed. the drive was long, but pleasant for me. in between lines of the golden compass, i looked out the window, watching familiar landscape flash by. i am transported to the summer after high school graduation, driving wildly on the freeway to visit my boyfriend's family farm. i remember how i used to time the trip to a blues cd and the beatles' "abbey road." i always pulled into his driveway at the opening notes of her majesty... by mid-day, i found myself atop the worn-down quartzite of the baraboo range pulling garlic mustard up from the roots. the day's sun and hard work made me happy. i felt proud of my physical accomplishments... when will i be able to say "i climbed a mountain today" again?

i have come to see that i am not happy in the situation of team service project. there is no way to ensure accountability or personal integrity. there have been only a few of us working on the project the whole time, and at the last minute, a couple people decided that the work we were doing wasn't appropriate or efficient. rather than attending the meetings and providing constructive input, these folks just complained about everything at the last minute.

q :why didn't someone call them? a:because we are all adults, responsible for our own business. there is also a community email to check, and be accountable that way. there is nothing in my job description that says "call ally x and pester them about the things they said they would do"

q: why don't we do it like this? a: because we started this whole process months ago, and we had a plan and a vision. i understand you'd like to contribute, but you've been given ample opportunity and have decided to add your two cents now, after everything has been nearly finalized. be considerate of the efforts of those who were actually involved, rather than wanting to talk for the sake of hearing your own voice.

i had a blowout with one of my teammates a couple weeks ago. we had a tsp meeting supervised by one of our program managers, and it became really clear that we all detest each other. half of the team wanted to continue meetings without the people who never show up anyway, but i thought that was a bit shady. there was complaining, and some folks still had no idea what was happening in the project.

after criticizing the project they had no part in, i told one of the team mates that things were set the way they were with certain aspects of the project because one or two people were wholly responsible for the research and implementation due to lack of team support. at that moment, i resigned from further activities in the tsp process, and offered all the materials i had gathered over the process. i left the meeting fuming, and got the books out of my car.

when i brought them in to give them to the team, the girl told me to get the f*ck out of her face, and walked into the program manager's office, telling the team she was going to punch me in the face. i walked in, and told her she wouldn't do anything more than continue to complain, the way she had done since we started. then she pushed all the research out of my hands and pushed me into the hall. i was stunned, and the program manager stood there, silent. i don't know who all saw it, but no one moved. his is happening, 2 black girls in an office building, screaming at each other- one physically compromised- as quiet people stare from around cubicle corners. on top of that, no one does anything. everyone is quiet.

i felt like the majority of this program has been for nothing. we are supposed to be training for leadership, not for petty fights over responsibility. as this happened, my teammates stayed silent. i'm sure they gossipped about it over the course of time. i don't think i've built any lasting friendships within the group, primarily due to superficiality and the cliquishness of the whole thing. how can you "be real" with a room full of 30 people who have no respect for each other?

one thing has encouraged me as far as my development is concerned. i got to see was the results of our peer surveys. we took them in the beginning of the year, but for some reason, they were unavailable to us. now that we're at the second round of our assessments, we have a comparative score we can look at. looking over the scores and comments from my teammates, you'd think i was pretty awful. but looking at my pm and supervisory scores, i'd say their evaluations of me are pretty similar to mine, and a more realistic view. i work hard, and am good at what i do. i've been told that my expectations of others are too high, and that's where the problems start. but what are appropriate expectations? it's acceptable to have a standard of integrity.

all of this is only part of where my mind has been. through it, i do know some things about myself. i know that i am who i say i am. nothing more, nothing less. i have personal integrity, drive, and talent. i'm looking forward to the end of the program. while i've made a lot of great connections externally, i can't say i got so much out of my peers. i wish it could have been different for me, but the experience is what you make of it, i guess. i think that i've been more extreme than most, in terms of showing my beliefs, and that's made it hard to find common ground.

i want to be a good woman /and i want, for you to be a good man/ this is why i will be leaving/and this is why, i can’t see you no more/i will miss your heart so tender/and i will love/this love forever/ i don’t want be a bad woman/and i can’t stand to see you be a bad man/ i will miss your heart so tender/and i will love/ this love forever /and this is why i am leaving /and this is why i can’t see you no more /this is why i am lying when i say/ that i don’t love you no more/ 'cause i want (to) be a good woman/ and i want for you to be a good man

2008-05-08T15:49:00.002-05:00

5/08/08

it's almost finished. i am so close to being finished.

this last stretch of public allies feels so much like the very end of my senior year of high school. the end is so close, i can almost taste it. the air is warming against my skin. the world is moving around me, and i am beginning to feel that i am contributing to that movement.

each day passes, i wax and wane. there are times i feel i've made a difference, and other times i wish i had done more. looking back on it now, i'm sure there are things i have yet to grasp. but i'm certain i have not missed everything. this seems so cryptic, but the whole of the past 8 months is hard to explain. i've been disgusted, down, elated, ecstatic, confused, empowered, pissed... all this, more even. the way the year has gone is exhausting.

our tsp is starting to pull itself from the mud, taking shape after hours of hard work and frustration. i'm looking forward to see what it will look like. i'm trying to take a more positive approach, more realistic i suppose. after all, i can only change what i am, and what i produce.

this is also the first time that i will not have a job lined up. scary prospect, considering it's not just me i have to worry about-- and everything is so expensive now. food, energy, rent, life. who can afford to stay alive these days.

i suppose it's post-ally jitters. i've made it this far. i'll make it further.

last day at lincoln

2008-05-05T12:28:00.006-05:00

4/5/08

this week is my last round of presentations at lincoln avenue elementary school. i must say, i have mixed feelings. i've been going there up to 2 times a month over a period of three days since the beginning of my term.

initially, i hated going to this school; the contact there was difficult for me to deal with due to conflicting personalities. i did enjoy the kids though, and most of the teachers were genuinely interested in seeing their kids learn and grow.

today, as a wrap-up of everything, I pitted the fifth graders against each other in a game of disaster education baseball. the guy's team, the bulls, against the girls team, the milwaukee chicks in an old-fashioned game of wits. it was really fun for a while, the girls playing cautiously against the guys, whose bravado led to more strikes, but inevitably more points.

the competition grew fierce, and i had to use both of the call and responses (if, you can hear my voice, clap once.... and 'ago,' are you listening? and 'ame,' you have my attention.) i warned the class if i had to use the call and response more than three times, the game would have to end. inevitably, at the top of the third inning, it got to be too much. i called the game off on account of the bad weather and retreated to the rear of the room. the guidance counselor took over and continued her lessons.

while waiting to be excused, there was a disturbance. a little black boy was brought, kicking and screaming into the room. the school security guard had his hands behind his back in what looked like an uncomfortable manner. mind you, this is an elementary school. the more the boy struggled, the more the guard held him. a woman followed in, asking the teacher of the classroom if the little boy could stay there, as detention was all full. (apparently, this teacher's class was where they deposited the "problem children.")

as the class continued on, the little boy struggled with the three authority figures who insisted that he settle down. their tones were less than friendly; the more aggressive they became, the more the little boy fought. i was at a loss watching.

eventually, the little boy agreed to sit, so long as no one touched him. the security guard and the woman left, and afterward, the teacher in the classroom apologized for the treatment. he explained that the adults had "no choice" when the child behaved that way. he offered the boy the opportunity to choose a book to read until lunch time. the little boy didn't want to read, but instead asked if he would still be able to go outside for recess. that was all that mattered to him.

before this happened, i had been speaking to the teacher about the state of milwaukee public schools. the teacher went on about the corruption of the higher-ups, the rules, etc. i agreed about most of it. but i have seen so much as an unsuspecting outsider visiting these schools. i have heard teachers screaming at children inappropriately, students running amok in the classrooms. this is what happens when public schools are under-funded, overfilled, and under-staffed by inexperienced teachers.

as the little boy stared stone faced at the wall, i approached him and asked his name. "billy, " he said, staring down at his desk. billy and i talked for a moment, and he let me know slowly what all the fuss was about. he was what the teachers reffered to as a 'problem student,' or 'at-risk.' it turned out that billy was being bothered by another student, but didn't tell his teacher because he thought she would blame him anyway. he resorted to violence, and got into trouble.

i told him i knew how it felt to get labeled as the bad kid- the one who was to blame even if they had nothing to do with the situation. we talked about ways he could have handled the situation, or avoided it altogether. billy was a really nice kid, it seemed, but he was just having a bad time.

i don't know if i'm reading into it too much, but there aren't a lot of black teachers at lincoln. there are caucasian, and hispanic teachers, but very few african americans. i remember what it was like to constantly be yelled at and berated by teachers without an awareness of the cultural differences. they couldn't see beyond the "disruption" to what the real problem was.

in this instance, i found out that this nine-year old second grader couldn't read. i was astonished. he sat at that desk and stared in silence because getting a book would have only frustrated him more. this was why he hadn't been able to pay attention in class, and probably why he was labeled at-risk. but he was in a public school, surrounded by educated people, and this little boy couldn't read!

i grabbed a book, and offered to read it to him. we had a great time talking about the story and discussing the pictures. i showed billy a picture of the milwaukee boat house that matt exposed me to. he loved it. we found a simple picture book, and billy surprised himself by reading a few pages to me. we kept reading until it was time for me to go.

as i was leaving i remembered that lincoln has a boys and girls club , and the CLC program has tutors. i suggested to the teacher that billy get enrolled in that program. it's there for kids like him. as i was leaving, the teacher handed billy not only an application, but an entire page of strange-looking houses freshly printed.

i left smiling. i'm actually sad to say goodbye, but really glad i got to open up a connection between the teacher and student. given the right situation, anyone can be at-risk. on the same note, we can all be better than we ever knew.

"we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."
-oscar wilde

flashpoint

2008-04-30T09:00:00.006-05:00

4/30/08

"i wish that i knew what i know now, when i was younger. i wish that i knew what i know now, when i was stronger." -the faces

yesterday, i had a letter to the editor published in the racine journal times. it was in response to acts of discrimination against students at local high schools participating in the national day of silence to raise awareness of the struggles many LGBT students face daily.

my little brother is the picture of courage when it comes to speaking out, or in this instance, not speaking out. since his decision to come out, he has been an advocate for LGBT students. he was a founding member of the gay-straight alliance, leader of the poms squad, and a star in choral and theatre performances. he's also participated in sports, sex-ed awareness, and religious activities.

i think about this awesome kid, and how much he does for everyone around him. he's fortunate to feel confident enough to share himself regardless of consequence. then, i imagine all the students who are afraid to tell their friends and families who they are because they think they'll be ostracized, mistreated, or worse. when people have to hide their love for someone of the same gender, or feel that they must conform to the "norm" to avoid persecution, i am frustrated beyond words. it seems to me that the fight for civil rights is far from over.

i remember an incident i was involved in my 8th grade year -- young and stupid, but still old enough to know better. after months of struggle with a particular teacher (i was constantly removed from the class, in spite of my attention and engagement in lectures) i'd had enough.

a couple of us got together after school at a neighbor's house and thought of ways we could get back at this teacher who had it out for me. someone suggested we put something on his door, maybe some kind of banner or something to perpetuate the rumor of his sexual identity. one of the girls' mothers was a quilter, so there was plenty of fabric. we gathered some supplies, and set to work.

i'll never forget that banner. it was a white pillowcase with a purple ruffle, sequins and beads. we attached a picture of dorothy from the wizard of oz and a queen of hearts. the idiot innocence in us compelled us to use puffy paint and spell out his name: tom.

we hung the banner early monday morning, before school started. everyone dashed off to class on an adrenaline rush, we didn't speak. i remained relatively calm for the remainder of the day, until the school police officer pulled me out of class and directed me to his office. i was given a lecture, which i didn't quite understand until recently. we had, in fact, committed a hate crime. our angst and anger piled up in helplessness, we retaliated in a way that would hurt him.

i was the only one who was caught, and the only one who confessed. i was suspended for two weeks. the other folks involved are memories to me now, but i still see tom around town. he lives near me, i think, and we frequent the same spaces. part of the irony: until he started throwing me out of classes, he had been my favorite teacher because he showed us movies on rock and roll, anthropology and politics.

i owe that man an apology, and it's taken me a good eight years to realize it. he's not gay, but if he were, why should it have mattered to me, to any of us? it's taken an outlash of hatred and intolerance for me to see the mistake. i'm ashamed, and i hope some day when i see him out, he won't dash off in the other direction so i can tell him i'm sorry.

i'd like to think that i'm a better person now, and i won't tolerate discrimination of any kind. i'm more careful in my thoughts, words, and actions. i hope this revelation can change some things for the better.

To the City of Racine:

I am ashamed of the backwoods-style condemnation of students participating in the National Day of Silence campaign. I commend those students who had courage enough to invoke their constitutional right to stand in peaceful protest against hatred and bigotry. These young people are the new civil rights activists in the fight for social equality. In battles such as this, there are countless others paralyzed by fear. They see these students as champions of human rights.

I am proud to be a member of a socially-active, blended LGBT family. I challenge any of those gay-bashing in this city to rise to the occasion of accepting the words of our forefathers — that all men are created equal. We must celebrate life, regardless of race, gender, creed, ethnicity, sexual preference, or ability. This is a nation for all people, not just those who live as you do.

Rosy Ricks

free rice because everybody's hungry.

2008-04-21T16:56:00.005-05:00

4/23/08

it seems like there are problems everywhere i go. most days, i like to listen to npr and take in the happenings, but lately, i've been on sabbatical from the news. there's a problem with prioritizing in our world, and it seems like international powers cannot decide between people and profit.

by now, everyone must know about my passion for food security. one of the big issues in the world is-- has, and always will be-- hunger. since the development and implementation of corn-and-soy-based ethanol, people around the world are feeling an economic pinch. these grains are being converted to fuels for cars rather than for our bodies. feed for livestock is more expensive, and so that is driving up the price of dairy, meat, and eggs. that, in turn, is increasing the cost of other foods in which these animal-derived items are main ingredients.

it's a good time to be a farmer, but a bad time to be any other kind of impoverished person. if you have been to the grocery store lately, you've been feeling the pinch. after all the bills are paid, how much of your income can you use for food? many of us are lucky; we may not be eating everything we want , but more often than not, we aren't going to bed hungry.

i heard this story about local food banks and the food stamps system on npr and it made me cry. i can't imagine what it would be like to know that you can't afford to feed your children, they must fend for themselves while you are away. many children are heading to soup kitchens. fortunately, there has been a great program created with funding from the united way to open schools and feed children who might otherwise go without.

for anyone who can, please volunteer or donate to one of the local food pantries. as the economy is in decline, more people are in need. in times of high demand, people stop giving. but, if we needed the help, where would we turn if those food banks weren't there? would we be too proud to stand in lines at a soup kitchen, rather than dishing it out?

i remember our diversity and anti-oppression training on classism, everyone was really upset. they were'nt upset about the condition of things as a whole, but specifically that they were promised breakfast, and were only given rice and oranges. in the real world, when someone is hungry, those things can be a godsend. we're lucky that p.a. helps us out with foodstamps. there are people in our communities who still needd help. and the problems we have here are always exponentially worse in the international community. with the dangers of violence, hijackings, and the price of gas, food aide organizations are sending less because they can't afford it. a co-worker of mine sent a link to me, and it's a fun and easy way to expand your vocabulary as well as helping provide food to the hungry. all you have to do is click on the definition of a word, and for each correct answer, 20 grains of rice are donated to the united nations world food program.

what are you waiting for, go out and feed the people!

NAMI walks

2008-04-21T11:17:00.004-05:00

4/21/08

last week, we had a diversity and anti-oppression training on ableism with 2 guests from disability wisconsin and the national alliance on mental illness (NAMI). they were both really engaging and informative, fielding difficult questions with genuine interest and expertise.

unfortunately, i missed out on a lot of the speaking, because there's this asinine policy of locking people out if they aren't on time. i have been on time for everything lately, with the exception of this day. but on this day, there was a topic i actually needed to hear about. nice.

anywho, after brenda wesley discussed her experiences taking care of family members with mental illnesses, i was taken aback. everything she talked about, i have gone through-- either myself or in dealing with a family member. she also brought up the fact that the stigma attached with mental illnesses aren't attached to things like diabetes and heart attacks. (if someone goes off medication for mental illness, they are judged and ostracized; on the other side of the coin, people with chronic illnesses who neglect themselves are catered to and comforted in times of need.)

the presentation was so informative. i know the wrong she has felt. it's hard to talk about those kinds of things, because i know that people flag that socially. stay away from her, she's crazy... it's not right. something else brenda talked about was the fact that african americans are often misdiagnosed or given improper treatment. the clues of mental illness within the context of black culture are different; if there are no psychiatrists who are familiar with the culture, how can the signs be appropriately identified? apparently, african americans metabolize drugs differently, and that can have an adverse affect.

at the end, brenda invited public allies to join the awareness campaign by participating in NAMI Walks, the annual fundraising campaign to raise awareness about mental illness and resources. i've decided to form a team with a few public allies, friends and family. we'll be walking may 17th at veteran's park. you can donate to our team "public allies, friends, and families" by getting in touch with me, or any participating ally.

if you'd like to walk with us, or to donate, please contact me. i'd like our team to raise at least $500. there's more information on the walk at the website or by calling brad montgomery at 414-344-0447.

i have experienced sliding into the depths of powerlessness

2008-04-16T11:47:00.003-05:00

4/16/08

this morning i was on my way back from a great presentation at the clinton rose senior center on mlk drive and burleigh. i was in high spirits, as the directors informed me that they were especially pleased that i had been there, and that i would be missed at the end of my term.

naturally, i began re-evaluating whether i was having an impact on anyone in my work. driving down locust street on the way to 27th, back to the red cross office, i rolled down all of the windows to take in the air of goodness in the world. i continued to ponder my worth, leaning more toward extraordinarily significant and profoundly influential than under-appreciated martyr, when suddenly there was a disturbance in my thoughts.

stopped at a red light, i glanced around to see where i was. outside my window, on the corner of 23rd and locust, there were several men circled up outside a corner store. ordinarily, this wouldn't disconcert me. in this instance, 3 young men were advancing violently toward an older one. a punch was thrown, the older man stumbled back.

"get off 23rd street," one of the young men repeated. he looked angry and intimidating as he swung. "you heard me, nigga, get off 23rd street." he and the others continued to move forward, pushing the man down locust street. "i'm off 23rd street," was all he responded as they continued to advance and attack him.

most of the other drivers around me pretended not to see it, looking forward with hands clenched around steering wheels. i stared, mouth agape. what am i supposed to do? i thought to myself. what can i do? i thought to honk my horn, or maybe get out and say something. i thought it, but realized i would do no such thing. i immediately thought of samadhi, and what might happen if i ended up stinking my nose in. i wasn't sure of what the situation really was, but i felt like i needed to do something. yet i didn't; i was actually afraid of being hurt.

i saw these men committing violence in broad daylight, in front of a bus of school children, and felt there was nothing i could do. i saw the fear in the man's eyes. i wanted to tell him to get into the car, i don't know what stopped me. or perhaps i do know exactly the thing, but don't want to admit it to myself. i wanted to scream, express disapproval. i wanted the sky to open up and rain justice. i wanted peace, respect.

and i stared, doing nothing. when the light changed, i continued to stare, until the cars behind me began to honk.

i'm not sure where to put these feelings. i am really disappointed in myself, and am wondering what could have been done differently. what were the consequences of me not taking action? what might have happened had i done something? these are questions without answers, and something i'm going to have to think about for a while.

to the windy city

2008-04-14T08:01:00.004-05:00

4/14/08

it's been a while since i've updated, or at least that's the way it seems. looking over some of my old posts, i felt like everything was negative, making the sum of my "experience" seem negative as well. i don't think that's a fair assessment of the public allies experience so far.

there have been ups and downs. many more, in fact, than i had anticipated. we've gone through bureaucratic changes with the partnership with uwm, as well as changes in training. we've had all-out fights, laughs, shared secrets and sorrows. looking back at particular moments, we've had the team-building exercises like opening retreat and mid-year. of all the things we've done so far, i'd say our service days have been my favorite. those are the times we're walking the walk.

of course, there have been bad times. i am not one to gloss over troubles, as i'm sure my program manager, james, can attest to. i feel like i have been in a perpetual state of complaining to him about one issue or another since our first 360. pay problems, court, daycare, working too hard. everything. in fact, of everyone i've come in contact with at public allies, i think james may actually know me and what i'm all about.

at friday training, james dropped a bomb on us. as of april 25th, he will no longer be our program manager. james is moving on to bigger and better things in the windy city; he says he's found his calling in a philanthropic position.

i must say, i missed out on most of the other things he said. i was really disappointed. as i listened, i had this realization that i really do enjoy working with james. his incredible ability to listen to complaints and successes without interjection or silly advice-giving, and remaining utterly professional has really been an anchor for me. i have never done well being "bossed," but somehow, james has done this amazing job of directing without being overbearing. he knows there are things i don't want to do, but he gets me to do them by acknowledging the fact that they're silly, but reminding me gently that they still need to be done.

of course, i can't forget to credit james for all his encouraging and support of our TSP. the team service project has been a sort of mess for our group. we're split into many small camps, and have had a really hard time since the beginning of the project. james has done a fantastic job of keeping us one step ahead of the chopping block. when we had the TSP review panel, we dominated. every question the panel asked, james had already demanded answers for. without overpowering our need to lead, james has been the consciousness and grounding element of ASSET.

something else james has been on top of is our PISD's. i know that some other allies say they are never sure if their program managers ever get around to them, but every week, i know james looks through our PISD's and makes mental notes about the thinly veiled impact our service time is having on our lives. there have been times when james offhandedly mentions the impact of something he saw in a document, and he does it in front of the whole team. i've seen those comments make someone beam.

until he announced his leaving, i had no idea the impact james has had on me. of course, you don't know what you've got... james has been one hell of an asset. i'm going to stop gushing about it, but i'm really sad to see james go. he jas done more for us and the program than i think he knows. in spite of my sadness, i do wish him well in all he does.

thank you for everything james.

"a boss creates fear, a leader confidence. a boss fixes blame, a leader corrects mistakes. a boss knows it all, a leader asks questions. a boss makes work drudgery, a leader makes it interesting."
-russell h. ewing

drumming up business

2008-04-03T13:18:00.002-05:00

4/3/08

the week of "drumming up business." i've been roaming all over milwaukee peddling the gospel of disaster preparedness. i've had some tentative takers, i believe, and have also seen places i've never been.

there are all sorts of architectural wonders in this city. how exciting to stumble into old buildings and find some feast for the eyes, marble floors and intricately carved wood. footholds worn into stairs from decades of use...

the week has been interesting to say the least. i can feel the term winding down, and am starting to wonder what will happen next. i am thinking of applying for a job at a shelter, i think. i'd like to do more service-oriented things.

i'm going to be the reporter for our tsp group. i think my portfolio is going to be awesome when i finish this whole mess. so much has been going on... i think i'm just ready for a new part of my life. that part where i am mostly content to be where i am and comfortable being who i am.

matt's coming home for a moment. i am excited, and nervous.

how i'm doing, so far.

2008-03-27T14:24:00.003-05:00

3/27/08

i'm having a slow week. overcoming sickness, combating weather blues, and trying to stay afloat are wearing me thin. i told veronica i feel like a vacuum salesman. it's a sales job, she said. i didn't plan on having to sell anything. i planned on doing some good. word got round that i'm bored here. you shouldn't be bored. there's plenty for you to do here. did anyone spread the word that this just might not be the fit for me?

while i can be very persuasive when it comes to my personal beliefs, i was never a very good salesperson. i failed miserably at telemarketing because i couldn't push people if they weren't obviously interested. i have a hard time calling people and insisting they let me come and speak. it's not to say i'm not making the effort to connect. i've exhausted many methods. i've called, emailed, sent out letters, asked people to spread the word. now, i feel all i can do is wait.

i'm feeling stuck. i have a lot of conflicting feelings about all of this, the program, my placement, and my life in general. there are plenty of unresolved issues, from general dissatisfaction to wrestling with perpetual feelings of inadequacy. i'm not sure where to be with all of this. i know the program has given me opportunities, but it's also presented me with many struggles.

naturally, i have been dissatisfied with some things. there are, however, a few things i've learned. of these, i think the most important is the sense of self-satisfaction. i have met adversity, and have overcome it, and have even gotten the better of it. i've been recognized for my hard work and integrity. i've not only met goals, but have grossly over-succeeded.

i guess this is my way of saying that i'm proud of myself. i'm proud of all the work i've done, and of how far i have come in this short time. it's been a stepping stone (in some cases, a sinking pillar) toward my eventual happiness. there are things i've done during this term that would likely have gone by the wayside at any other time.

success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.
- winston churchill

2008-03-19T09:13:00.005-05:00

3/19/08

"when dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane."
-hermann hesse

another day beneath the wheel. yesterday i was called from work to pick up samadhi from daycare because he had diarrhea. i know, not very glamorous, but an unfortunate truth. i picked him up, and was promptly informed that he could not return to daycare the following day without a note from the doctor.

i've been feverishly ill (my temperature lingering between 100 and 102) for about 3 days, and have stayed at work for two reasons:

1. i'm too poor to go to the doctor
2. i can't miss much work as all of my personal days have essentially been used up for custody hearings.

having given it some thought, it's really pointless to have the americorps health insurance, because state insurance is infinitely better. in fact, if i worked an easy job, i'd still qualify for state health insurance, child care, and food stamps. i'd never have to work weekends, and probably not too many evenings, either.

i keep asking myself, why am i doing this? it seems like i work so hard to do good, only to be batted down by injustice. the struggle to survive in a healthy way (mentally emotionally, etc) in a world full of robots, naysayers, bastards and pharisees is taking a toll. i am ill, and it's from stress wearing down my immunity, from negativity bearing down on me. i work hard, despite the little reward. i sacrifice, i act. yet, it's as if it's never enough.

again, i find myself asking, why? but i already know the answer. sometimes, i forget things i already know. i know that good work usually goes unrewarded. honesty is expected, and dishonesty is often times overlooked. but these are not my truths. my truths are simple and natural. my truths are holistic and do no harm. my truths are unconventional in the sense that they go back beyond where we are now. my truths are ancient:

earth my body
water my blood
air my breath
and fire my spirit.
-elemental chant

i do know that in spite of the consequences, i have to do what is right. i have to give, even if nothing is coming back right now. i can only hope, not expect, that it will come eventually in some karmic retribution. i know real family and true friends are the best medicine you could ask for.a bit crunchy, yes. but it works for me a whole lot better than anti-depressants . i'm not quite sure how i'm going to make it through the rest of this term with my dignity intact, but i'll do my best regardless of the silly obstacles.

luck to you, michael.

2008-03-18T08:41:00.000-05:00

3/17/08

something else i wanted to mention was what happened on our friday training. i brought the baby, and we had a great time at urban underground and at the justice talking session (we read the letter from the birmingham jail).

we were blindsided during announcements when james informed us we'd lost our first ally. he didn't say what the circumstances were, but it was pretty surprising. michael was on our tsp team, and it's strange to think that he'd made it this far only to stop now....

our class is huge, 35 allies, the biggest class yet. we've gone through a lot together so far, good and bad. but everyone's stayed in it, even when some didn't have placements. even when some got fired, or had to find new placements. even when we didn't have an executive director. even now, when we've only got two program managers. even tangled up in personal bristles, car crashes, rude comments, whatever. but until now, we'd all made it.

now, someone's gone. not just someone, but one of the team members i've become so comfortable arguing with. it's strange to think about our project without michael. he was really excited about doing his part of the project, about working with youth.

we'll miss you michael. stop in sometime.

death warmed over

2008-03-17T14:43:00.005-05:00

3/17/08

st. patrick's day. there are about a million drunken white people (and a few assorted minorities) who woke up really early this morning to celebrate the myth of a man chasing snakes out of ireland by drinking green beer and eating various sections of over-cooked cows. de-lightful.

maybe i'm just bitter because i'm sick today. maybe it's the fever talking, the chills getting the better of me. or perhaps i'm just being unfair. but i doubt it. i've always hated st. patrick's day. in fact, i was pregnant during the festivities last year and swore to my yet-unborn son that should i have to celebrate his birth on this wretched day, it would have to be skipped altogether and he would never know the joy of a bumper-bowling birthday party.

enough about st. patty. let's get down to business. last week, i did a lot of table events and a couple presentations. one of the presentations was an utter disaster, as i didn't get home until 9:00 it night with a screaming child. on top of my delayed return to the roost, another red cross employee was present, and she pretty much covered all the material as it was an entirely spanish-speaking audience. sigh. it would have been nice to know that i would be utterly useless in this instance.

thursday was the public allies open house at the uwm school of continuing education. i think one of the other allies hit the nail on the head in terms of the success of the event: "it seemed like everyone was just standing around kissing each other's [you-know-whats]." i don't know that it was informative for anyone, but it probably "looked" really nice.

the most interesting thing i did last week was attending the restaurant expo with FAST (first aid service team) as the mouth for the chapter. it was neat, i spent most of the day watching people try and save choking chester, our dummy friend, by giving abdominal thrusts (also known as the heimlich maneuver) until he spit out a marble. it was harder than it looked. luckily, i was there to take care of things...

in addition to my incredible display of heroics, i sampled a gourmet meal i would have otherwise run shamelessly away from. jerry warned me it would be offered, and not wanting to miss an opportunity, i allowed myself to be led away to the table. here is a play-by-play account of the experience:

i was terrified. the other volunteer and i were sat at a table of high school culinary students who were also deathly afraid of anything that did not directly resemble a pot roast. as we waited for the meal to begin, i fielded the questions that have become standard by now: how long has your hair been like that? is it real, can i touch it? do you wash it? what's your tattoo? how did you get a job?

finally, the first course arrived. junior chefs threw the food at us as if they sensed our utter inability to really appreciate their artistic endeavors. this was the thing that drove me to palatial magnificence: putting my vegetarian armour aside, i took at least a mouthful of every meaty dare they brought.

our appetizers were all seafood. salmon roulade, clam gratin on the half shell, and crab and artichoke cakes were plated in a rich white sauce. i took frightened bites and was pleased to find the salmon did not in any way resemble the fishy fish taste of lenten french fries. the gratin was crunchy and interesting, and the crab cakes were unspectacular.

the salad was exciting, but again decadently carnivorous. it was mixed greens with rabbit two ways and blood-orange sauce. the two ways happened to be a rabbit-sage sausage and a rabbit loin. again, i braved the challenge, but couldn't bring myself to enjoy any of it. the sauce was bitter, and the salad was destroyed entirely by weird over-cooked egg croutons. the high-schoolers hated it even more than i did, as many were from a small town and had their own pet bunnies.

we were served something more traditional for the main course. the chef dropped pork loin (2 loins in one day, who'd have guessed...) and braised root vegetables off. this was more to the liking of the table, myself included. though i abhor pork, i was very excited to eat the blue potatoes and yams. it was really great, and drowning in a butter sauce quite like one might expect from a hard-working grandmother.

the crown jewel of the whole experience though, was the desert. how long i waited! how deserving we all were! having experimenting long enough with fleshy iron-chef-style concoctions, we were elated when cheesecakes laced with berries and fresh sauce accompanied by freshly caramelized almond cookies dipped in heavenly dark chocolate (food of the gods!) arrived before our bulging eyes. this was the only thing that disappeared entirely from all plates.

after my incredible gastrointestinal feat, i sat on my laurels, terribly excited to say i'd done a fine job in spite of my primitive fear of all things once conscious.

diversity and anti-oppression: classism

2008-03-10T12:59:00.004-05:00

3/07/08

friday training this week started everyone of with a surprise.

well, almost everyone. reading over the scoop (the ally newsletter that keeps us up to date on training locations and topics, as well as assorted ally news) i noticed that we would be having a training on classism. rather than a particular ally be responsible for bringing snacks, public allies would be feeding us.

this immediately sent up a red flag. after being in public allies for this long, i know every promise comes with some tricky lesson. rather than leaving it to chance, i prepared myself a delicious breakfast and arrived promptly at 9:00, coffee cup in hand.

as we were ushered into the training space by dave (who, by the way, was dressed in a fashion that as quite reminiscent of the monopoly man), we were to pull a piece of paper out of his top hat. 5 groups were indicated on the papers and so we were arranged.

it was immediately apparent what would be happening. the first table was set with an assortment of breakfast condiments and beverages. the second table had cereal boxes on them, andthe 3 tables further in succession were set with slips of paper. as we filed into place, or alternately, were curtly escorted to them by a pushy monopoly man, the ruckus began.

the program managers brought out 3 glasses of milk, an orange, and a big bowl of brown rice for the 3 tables in the back portion of the room, most of which had at least 5 people. the table of 4 in front of ours was given coffee and an orange to complement the ceareal. what started the trouble was what was given to the people at the first table.

the fellows brought out pancakes, bacon, and eggs, setting them down courteously in front of the four people in front. something that was strange about the set-up of their table: while the rest of us were sitting in circles or squares, facing our "families," that first table was positioned so each person was looking back at the other tables.

there were six people at my table with me. on the table were sheets of paper informing us about the status of our "family," the dwyers. our fictional family consisted of five: the father, a newly-hired police officer; the mother, who stays at home with the kids; a daughter, high-achieving student and talented musician; a foster daughter, with multiple sclerosis; and a son, envious of the attention his sisters get.

there was another sheet of paper listing our income, expenses, and personal assets(a television, camera, and vcr). a third sheet of paper informed us that our family was living in a rented 3 bedroom on the west side, and that we were in substantial credit card debt. the foster daughter was awarded $500 monthly for care expenses, but later on, would be removed from the home due to charges of neglect resulting in a loss of income and a trip to the welfare office for legal aid.

eventually, everyone who wasn't at that first table started asking when the food was coming. were we going to get bacon too? the first table ate, guiltily at first, but eventually forgot about the rest of us. soon, everything was gone from their table, while the brown rice and cups of milk remained on ours, room-temperature and untouched.

when the program managers started asking questions about how everyone felt, the responses were really interesting. some folks decided that the 1st table was the upper class, the central table was the middle class, and the last tables were the lower class. some noticed that we only spoke to the people in our "families," primarily mumbling about how upset we were.

at the end of the simulation, when people found out they weren't going to be getting breakfast, they were really angry. i suppose that makes the point even stronger, not only about the differences in class (where for some, having breakfast really is a priveledge) but also the obvious differences in quality of nutrition available.

durring the break, many allies went straight to mcdonald's, even though some of them were complaining loudly about the quality of food available in the community only last week. i got frustrated again, because i'm tired of hearing people complain, only to go right back and perpetuate the cycle they are bitching about.

people really do go hungry right here, people can't afford to live a fair life. i think we forget sometimes that as allies, we are fortunate to have decent paying jobs, and for that matter, the opportunity to have this chance. most of us aren't responsible for an entire family, and even if we are, we get foodshare benefits. we all make enough to make ends meet, if we live within our means.

we may not be rich, but we've got something.

rockabilly chili

2008-03-03T11:10:00.006-06:00

3/2/08

this weekend was 91.7 wmse's 6th annual rockabilly chili cookoff. some allies took it as a service day and worked the event selling tickets and hawking tee shirts.

i decided to take the early shift to catch up on some of the hours i've been missing from all the court dates. in order to get to the event, i had to ride the bus from my house. on sundays the city bus runs a staggered schedule, so in order for me to get there on time, i left the house at about 6:30. if i'd have made the coffee, i'd never have gotten there.

the event was really great. there was an awesome turnout and the wmse wranglers were once again awesome. there was chili and adult beverages a-plenty, as well as fantastic american music. i will admit, i did shake it a little bit while selling tickets.

it was nice to do some real service work . rather than just sitting around, i sold tickets and helped out the entire day. there were so many people to meet, so much chili to taste. i saw a few other allies, and they looked like they were having a blast too.

according to dictionary dot com, one of the definitions of chili is as follows:
chili (n)

1. ground beef and chili peppers or chili powder often with tomatoes and kidney beans
2. very hot and finely tapering pepper of special pungency

well, given that i wasn't partaking any ground beef, i don't know what you'd call what i was eating, but it was great! i had all sorts of vegetarian chili, including pumpkin, eggplant, and avocado varieties! kate was there, laughing every time she heard me insist "i love chili. seriously."

this probably happened every 5 minutes.

the thing was rockin, the food was awesome, the experience was a good one.

here's a picture of the event, can you find me? hint: i'm in a red shirt. it's kind of like where's waldo...

resistance is fertile

2008-03-03T08:30:00.005-06:00

2/29/08

"the old lakota was wise. he knew that man's heart away from nature becomes hard; he knew that lack of respect for growing, living things soon led to lack of respect for humans too. "

-chief luther standing bear

today we had an ally-led training about the impact of food on our health and well-being. i think a lot of people take it for granted how something so fundamental can have such a profound effect on all aspects of life.

the team presented on a variety of issues like diabetes, high fructose corn syrup, reading nutrition labels, and the importance of urban gardens. naturally, there is always more to talk about, but i feel that the information presented was comprehensive and informative.

the evil of the day was basically summarized by flamin' hot cheetos. as we struggled with some identifier, i am struggling with my feelings on the topic. i am a believer in conscious nutrition, in movement, and in all forms of self-sufficient existence. we should take care of ourselves and our children by respecting the functions of our bodies. these are our temples, right? why would you fill your temple with garbage only to be surprised by its inevitable decline?

rather than just talk about all the problems, this group took the approach of saying, "these are the problems, and here is the information you need to educate yourselves to make change." for some reason, even this was met with conflict, as most things in our group often are

jackie talked about urban gardens, and also brought seeds to plant. i thought that was an awesome way of saying, "here. now you can do something." but rather than going the route of action, some of the allies poked at her, insisting perfect answers for everything: what if there's lead in your soil? what about war affecting food? why should people bother to eat local or organic? even after she answered the questions to the best of her ability, or suggested the name of an organization of someone who could, one of the allies mouthed, "she doesn't know what she's talking about."

to me, it seems that jackie is one of those allies who lives what she believes in. though she may be quiet, she's always willing to take action when she encounters an injustice. she's also one of the first to offer a helping hand or good suggestion.

i find that there are times i am so busy pointing out the flaws of others that i hardly have time to correct my actions. we cannot force change on others, only in ourselves. i think that if we take those small steps, greater things can happen and things can right. having this training reminded me of my grassroots, literally. my first acts of defiance involved plants and nutrition when i became a vegetarian and grew herbs in my bedroom windowsill. it was such a simple act, but looking back on it now sheds a light on how i came to be who i am.

if our bodies are not nourished, how will we find the strength to nourish our minds? if we are irresponsible with the resources the earth has to offer, they will be gone. the key to progress in the truest sense is sustainability, not more progress. there is more than enough here if we can learn to be more self-sufficient.

the very act of gardening is synonymous with freedom. what is more revolutionary than having control of your own life, starting with the food you put onto your table? if it is grown in windowsills or backyard plots, there is no need to worry about what mystery substance is being introduced. there is no high fructose corn syrup, no strange hormone, no trans fat hiding in a bunch of fresh-picked spinach.

what are we waiting for? resistance is indeed fertile.

2008-02-26T12:58:00.003-06:00

2/26/08

we had a very successful meeting yesterday at walnut way with sharon and ASSET. though we did end up starting a little late, almost everyone made it out to the meeting. sharon was very kind, supportive of our ideas and excited to work with us. i think we are all pretty excited too. fallicy and michael seemed to be the most excited out of all of us, and were wearing that excitement on their faces.

we reviewed the components of our project, which are as follows:

1. create a history center for walnut way
a. gather and assemble materials for center: photos, music, literature, newspapers, geographical information systems (maps).
b. create interactive, mobile displays. possible additions to displays.

2. plan and execute a reception for history center
a. assemble database of potential tour organizations.
b. invite them to a premier of the center.

3. design tour curriculum
a. create narrative script for volunteer tour guides to use on neighborhood tours.
b. create complimentary brochure for visitors.

another prospective idea was introduced yesterday that would entail creating a special tribute to the houses in walnut way that are all least 100 years old. this would be incorporated in the gis mapping systems part of the project, as well as the virtual and real walking tours.

when we were introducing ourselves to sharon, she wanted to know what our interests in the program were specifically, what we were looking to do or to get out of this project. as we were around, everyone expressed an interest in a particular facet of the project, so it looks like every area of it will have a point person to do things with: art, publicity, organizing, volunteer management, research. we'll also have some student volunteers to assist with the legwork, and ivory black will be helping as a consultant.

something else that really stuck with me about the meeting was the way that sharon wanted to reach out to other members of the community. she's interested in involving the youth and the elders, as well as the area community centers. she's carrying out that asset-based community development.

on the way home, fallicy was so excited, she was practically bouncing around in the back seat. she talked about all the energy and all the potential. i stayed quiet, remembering the looks on each teammate's face, and the power of our project.

gift seats

2008-02-25T15:02:00.004-06:00

2/25/08

last friday, after the ally-led training on the history and current state of milwaukee public schools, ASSET met at the uwm continuing ed. building for yet another evaluation process known as gift seats.

during this process, everyone in a tsp group is able to give one-on-one feedback to fellow allies. this can be informative and helpful, or plain nasty. i assumed that it would be quite terrible, given the way i've been feeling about the group's response to my presence. that, and whenever we come to a milestone moment in the program, i am wont to think the worst (like mid-year, IDPs, and things like that.)

our gift seat session was actually rather tame, even encouraging. i decided to go first in order to get it over with, and to have a more fair ability to give feedback. i sat at the head of the table, bracing myself.

i imagined this moment to begin with the team tearing into me, offering only negative criticism and disdain, but james spared us by offering up a list of questions. we were allowed to ask each team member 1 question from the list. some of them were:

-what makes me a good public ally?
-what are my assets?
-what are some of the challenges of working with me?

i think the most interesting question was framed very well: would you help me with ____________. this question allowed for you to decide what you needed help with, and to specifically charge a team member to assist you and keep you accountable. more than any of the others, i think this question really opened us up to the reality of the team.

after we all got finished and had a turn at the head of the table, i felt lighter. it's possible that this simple (yet incredibly challenging) exercise allowed us to express ourselves honestly. i noticed that everyone gave feedback to the best of their ability, and did so in a positive manner. even some of the questions that were meant to expose problems were responded to in an encouraging way. this gives me hope for the tsp project.

we're at the halfway point in the program, and i find myself thinking about all the things we've done, some of the feelings i've had. i remember receiving a letter from one of last year's allies. s/he warned me that the process was not going to be easy, but it would be worth it, and it would probably change my life. i don't think i put too much stock into that at first. as this whole thing continues and i interact with more people on an individual level, i'm coming to see that couldn't be more true. laying my expectations aside, i am finding it easier to embrace what is actually happening. things are less negative for me; it's easier to deal with the bad things and easier to be grateful for the good ones. every person is an asset, every moment is a lesson.

just because the solutions of problems are not visible at any particular time does not mean that those problems will never be alleviated -- or confined to tolerable dimensions. history has a way of changing the very terms in which problems operate and of leaving them, in the end, unsolved, to be sure, yet strangely deflated of their original meaning and importance.
-m. i. abramowitz

action and passive aggression

2008-02-20T12:52:00.008-06:00

2/20/08

"one man may hit the mark, another blunder; but heed not these distinctions. only from the alliance of the one, working with and through the other, are great things born.'
-antoine de saint-exupery

my head is spinning. the past week or so has been terribly busy. there have been meetings and trainings and phone calls. everything is rolling right along, and i'm tired, but it's alright. i'm getting prospective job opportunities as well as doing a ton of networking events.

so far, it seems like i've been doing a lot of complaining. there have been a lot of external factors in this, in addition to my dissatisfaction with what i thought the program was going to be. i've recently had another eureka moment: it really is what you make of it. for example, i came into public allies expecting this whirlwind of life-changing opportunity, ferocious activism, and lifelong camaraderie. as a result of my expectations, i was comparing what was actually going on to what i thought should be going on and felt disappointed that i wasn't able to do more.

but who's been stopping me from doing more? certainly not public allies. in fact, it's been a key to the city. when i say, "i'm an ally," people give me the opportunity to do whatever it is i'm trying to do. public allies has put me in a position to move, and it seems like people take me seriously now. it was my mistake to think i knew what was supposed to happen, and as a result, my fault for not getting where i wanted to be.

obviously, i've been giving all of this a lot of thought.

something else i have been giving a lot of thought to is the general process of the tsp project. i've been to every meeting, taken notes, and done incredible work in preparing documents, but my team has a palpable disdain for me. when i make a suggestion, i'm immediately attacked, only to hear the same suggestion made by someone else ten minutes later.

at first, i thought everyone was just out to get me, but after i while, i came to the conclusion that i was the cause of some of the aggression. i've been working on a lot of personal stuff since mid-year (particularly, being over-bearing) and made an effort to tone it down a bit. now, i feel i'm functioning at a stellar level, but more than ever i can sense the anger from my teammates.

sunday was a bad day weather-wise, and i had to drive back from racine after spending the weekend with samadhi. about ten, i called one of my teammates and told him i might not be able to make it to the meeting because my mom didn't want me to drive in the fog and freeze. i stayed until about 2 pm.

when i arrived home, it was already 2:30 (the time the meeting was scheduled to begin) so i decided to stay home and spare myself the disaster of driving again. i got a phone call from a team member asking about another member's number. i gave her the number and explained what was happening with me. she said that was fine, and we hung up.

as soon as i hung up the phone, something shifted inside, and i felt like i had to get to that meeting. i got into my aunt's car and headed downtown, keeping an eye out for other allies waiting for busses along the way.

the group was in convening in an apartment in some downtown lofts, so i caught the elevator up to the 14th floor and headed in. as i opened the door, i felt so much anger that i actually got sick to my stomach. it was as if no one wanted me there at all, and i actually felt that i shouldn't have come at all.

i apologized for being late, and sat down uncomfortably. fallicy, one of the team members smiled at me and told me she was happy i could make it. that was reassuring, considering the tone of the room.

we had the meeting, and after everyone left, i asked what was going on. turns out, my instincts were right on. people were upset that i was going to miss the meeting simply because they'd come. they didn't want my contribution, they didn't care about any of the work. it was about having to be accountable in spite of the fact that i've been more than dedicated.

the whole thing made me upset. i know people were saying things about my character before i waled into the door, but fell silent as soon as i was there to stand for myself. i wish someone would have said something to me, rather than being so passive aggresive about the whole situation. since we've had all this training on expressing thoughts and ideas, why can't we use it in our groups? what about when we aren't in public allies anymore? isn't this the best place to practice using these tools, and to incorporate authentic communication into our everyday lives?

water rolls off the backs of ducks; they float along in spite of the rain.

ivory black, remembering bronzeville

2008-02-18T14:26:00.005-06:00

2/18/08

president's day, red cross is closed for business (on the business end anywho). i went to big step with fallicy, and also attended a chat and chew session (lunch and discussion) at marquette university titled "my black history: remembering bronzeville."

the event was only an hour long, so there are still so many things to ask. the session was facilitated by miss ivory abena black, author of bronzeville, a milwaukee lifestyle. it was a great session, touching on a lot of the issues we've already covered in friday trainings, as well as linking them together for a more comprehensive picture of how any form of oppression leads to more oppression.

not only does it relate to our trainings directly, but to the ASSET tsp project over at walnut way. miss black is the only african american anthropologist in wisconsin who focuses specifically on the bronzeville area, which overlaps into the walnut way neighborhood. in fact, some of her research was done in conjuction with an oral narratives project out of walnut way.

i will be meeting tomorrow with miss black as well as patricia diggs to see if we can't collaborate on some things, including the cumination of research for the center for neighborhood history. it's great that we have such incredible assets within the community to turn to. without them, i doubt we'd be able to make this thing happen.

conflict resolution and ASSET

2008-02-16T23:01:00.011-06:00

2/16/08

the week has been interesting and strange. my boss, veronica, has been out all week with a tooth surgery, and i've been in the office working really hard on my team service project with walnut way in preparation for the TSP review panel.

the first part of our training was in this beautiful house owned by a former teacher/police officer/current musician, and overall really interesting guy. i got there really early and ran into an old poetry acquaintance named eric, coincidentally a former ally, who also lived there. he invited me into the space and told me to make myself at home. i found myself a chair, and took in a deep breath. sitting there in the quiet, not having to rush, was fantastic. i sat in the sunlight in a corner of the room and took everything in. i felt like i could actually relax. i was so content, i wishing we didn't have to have training there to wreck the vibe.

announcements brought some news. first, we have an intern (?) at public allies. i believe his name is either john or dan (i'm terriblewith names) and he is a sociology major at uwm. it was kind of alarming to me to have a new person permanently inducted into the "process" we all started back in september. i am curious to see how active he'll be in the trainings and service days, and also to see what it means to have him around in general.

the second announcement was a little suprising. kim from uwm school of continuing education came in and started talking about the program. i feel very much like "those people" to him when he comes around. he's sort of in charge of the show since we partnered up with uwm continuing ed, but i don't think he gets it. in fact, he always mentions that he feels very awkward after speaking to us. for me, it's as if we are under glass performing.

well, he got up and started talking at great length, alluding to some new direction in our executive director crisis. suddenly, kate is standing up next to me, quietly. here it comes, she's gonna do it, i think to myself. she's wearing a blazer and has her hands behind her back, clasping an envelope.

it took a long time for him to get around to it, but he announced that kate would, in fact become the new executive director starting immediately. something else i felt was a subtle shift in the way the group was receiving her, as well as the way she held herself. i can't explain to much more of that, so i'll have to think about it a little more. i think the group was very surprised, particularly her tsp team. (she will no longer be responsible for their progress, or whatever it would be called.

i have mixed feelings about the whole bit. it isn't to say that she can't do it. i think kate's neat, but i was worried about one thing in particular: when someone would ask her a question, she'd get into the answering section. then, kim would cut her off and say exactly what kate said, as if though his saying it really made it valid. i thought immediately back to our sexism trainging, and to a number of discussions we've had personally. yes, i understand it must be a great honor to recieve some recognition, but why the hell was she letting him do that to her, especially in front of all of us?

sigh.

onto the training. we saw a video on a public allies fellowship opportunity at eagle rock school. it seemed very much like walden, the school i went to from middle to high school. it's a year-long commitment, and i wish i could do it, but i am not able to commit to something like that right now. the actual training on conflict resolution was hosted by olu. the training was nice. there's a certian way he spoke that was very soothing, the way his breath was encapsulated in each word. elaina mentioned that she hadn't been in a house in so long, and that it felt very good to be in someone's home. i think she was right, because it seemed like this was the first time our training space was really conducive to us getting into the session.

olu did a few activities with us, but the one i liked best was a dice game. he made up situations where someone would typically get really upset. what he had individuals do was roll 2 dice to determine how they would handle the situation. if they would handle the situation with agression, they had to roll between a one and a four; if they were going to avoid the situation, they needed to roll between a one and and eight. lastly, if they were going to try the conflict resolution, they needed to roll between a one and twelve.

strangely enough, the two folks in our group both chose to handle the situations with agression. both failed.

the next part of the day was our TSP review panel. it was comprised of the male fellows, a program manager (a different one for each session), and a former ally. shana mccombs was there, but shana lucas was nowhere to be seen. it wasn't discussed, no one offered any explanation.

the first group went, they seemed to have everything figured out, but were kind of indifferent to the project. they are doing a gardening development project that seems pretty neat.

our group was second. i was nervous about the whole ordeal, since many of our team members are indifferent to the project and have no idea where we are. (we've never had a tsp meeting where everyone was present. it's been frustrating.) initially, i was just going to keep the project really under wraps from anyone who hadn't bothered to invest anything into it. i couldn't do it. before we went up, i grabbed the tsp binder from my office and passed the proposal around for folks to get a good look at.

in spite of the minimal preparedness, i'd say our group kicked ass. seriously. i was surprised/relieved. everyone was really passionate about the project, especially when we were questioned about the relevance of the service aspect of the project. it was the first time i think i felt like we were actually a team. part of that was awesome, but another part of it was dissapointing.

i was really happy with my work. the porfolio was really helpful and gave the whole project a very professional approach. i will have an awesome portfolio. i also think that james did a really great job of preparing us, and so i had a better idea of what to expect. as a result, we came of polished and confident, not as if each inquisition were an attack.

i'm looking forward to doing this project, and have poured a lot of hard work into it. i feel that there are a lot of resources we haven't even gotten around to exploring. another really great thing about this is that it's really serving a need to preserve the local heritage of black america. i can't wait to see the finished result.

charmed, i'm sure.

2008-02-12T11:46:00.000-06:00

2/12/08

i got the internship. seriuosly, i really got it. what internship, you ask? if you aren't dedicated to each and every post i've made in this blog, as well as my other, i will refresh your memory. i applied for citigal's charm school internship (you can read my essay here) a few days ago. when i opened my email this morning, i found a simple acceptance letter stating that not only would i be participating in the charm school, but that my essay is going to be published in the march issue of citigal magazine!

i've been panicking all morning. not only am i doing this, but i'm getting my first technical byline! i've been writing more, having been inspired by michelle dobbs' entry in the amazon competition. for me, it's always hard to write with the intention of sending something out. the fear of success is sometimes more paralyzing than the fear of failure, and so many of my pieces sit quietly in boxes.

i am feeling a million things at once right now. i suppose the overwhelming feeling has to do with the fact that things really are starting to work out. since the beginning of this program, and even before, i've been working to show that i'm worth the trouble. the proof is starting to surface in a visible way.

tonight, i'm headed to a networking event at the italian community center put on by the association for women in communications. there will be women all around to talk to about my portfolio and resume, as well as seemingly obvious things that i have no idea about (read: how to dress for work and interviewing. veronica tells me jeans with holes in them are unacceptable.) i think there will also be ladies talking about personal finances (something i've always been very interested in) and finding a mentor.

this is amazing. amazing. i was telling james yesterday in my IDP that i feel i haven't had a real opportunity to do what i'm good at yet. i talked to him about my disillusionment with the nonprofit sector, because even when you work hard, there really isn't any recognition. i am eating my words, and that's quite alright with me.

"if at first you don't succeed, try, try again. then quit. there's no use being a damn fool about it."
-w.c. fields

snow in the year of the rat

2008-02-07T09:01:00.000-06:00

2/7/08

“adversity draws men together and produces beauty and harmony in life's relationships, just as the cold of winter produces ice-flowers on the window-panes, which vanish with the warmth.”
-kierkegaard

beneath the blanket of snow, the city is bustling, bustling. all is pristine and glistening. cars are jammed face-first into snow drifts, tires spin in vain against too-slick city streets. this is the winter that i like to see.

the busses were packed this morning, most people probably abandoned the idea of driving to work on half-plowed streets. as a result, the busses were over-full. the brave few who decided to drive inevitably ended up stuck in one fashion or another. some were doomed from the beginning, trapped behind glorious banks of freshly plowed snow. others managed to dig themselves out, only to find their vehicles pulled as if by some magnet into an embankment lining the roads.

the best part of all this for me was watching people's reactions. as i handled my own struggles, trudging through a foot of untamed snow in some areas, i watched drivers signalling to each other, neighbors with shovel and scraper liberating their comrades from the grips of the wintery terror. people were actually helping one another!

on my way to the bus stop, i saw a tiny street where 2 cars were stuck in the snow. one woman was stuck perpendicular as she was trying to go through the alleyway; another fellow's minivan seemed to be perfectly content to spend the remainder of it's days communing with nature. a little ways up the street, a city snowplower abandoned his post and had come to the aid of these two. an additional woman appeared from thin air, and as a team, the four were able to free the vehicles and share in a small victory.

personally, i hate snow. it is everything i disdain wrapped together: cold, wet, and oppressive to my happiness. i will say though, after yesterday's blizzard, i can appreciate my nemesis. it made people work together, even if the goal was something so small as to dig out a car or shovel a neighbor's walkway. after heavy snow, everything is beautiful and it seems that the people smile just a little wider, even if only for a little while.

here's a link for you. have fun.

walnut way

2008-02-06T10:09:00.000-06:00

2/6/08

it's snowing insanely. we're expected to get anywhere from 10 to 20 inches of snow. i think that's maddness! still, coming in to work today was kind of an adventure. the busses ran on time, i got here at 8 and found out we're shutting her down at noon. nice!

many of the other placements sites are also closed, so i'm not too worried. besides, there are a few things i've got to work on. yesterday, i went over to walnut way to hammer down the details of our teaspoon project.

first, i met with nicole. she showed me around the building, which is a classic home that was rehabilitated by the neighborhood residents (but primarily sharon's husband) to serve as a community center. the places is gorgeous, most of the woodwork is period, salvaged from other homes that have long since been torn down. the house is the office of the walnut way conservation corporation, as well as the headquarters for the fondy farmer's market.

as nicole and i talked out some of the finer issues with the porject, sharon came in. we all sat down and talked about what they want and need, as well as what the ASSET team would be able to provide. i really enjoyed talking to sharon. she was a kind woman with an obvious passion for what she does.

the center has all kinds of programs going to serve the residents, but the most visible one is the gardening stuff, which emphasizes sustainability. walnut way has several production gardens which are used as classrooms for those interested in learning the skills. particularly, the gardens are geared towards educating young people on economics and future: the kids grow and work the garden, sell the produce at market, and ultimately open up banking accounts to manage their own money.

i used to live over in that neighborhood (part time) when i was young. it was rough. now, it seems like things are starting to look up. i had a discussion with sharon about origins of neighborhood folk in particular, a topic of interest to me because my family is from mississippi. she told me that the black folks are a mixture of northerners and southerners, and that even in those splits, there are smaller groups. she said that peoples' gardens reflected their homes, and if the home was good, that was a wonderful thing. she briefly went into a discussion on the views of a sharecropper's outlook on gardening versus someone who grew up remembering their grandparent's fruit orchards.

i encourage anyone interested in seeing asset-based community development in action to check out walnut way. also, one of the things i really liked about their site was a link to a uwm project on multiculturalism. check it out here, and when you're done, head over to walnut way!

constructive criticism?

2008-02-03T23:17:00.000-06:00

2/3/08

thinking about the tsp meeting we had friday. we were supposed to do gift seats, but couldn't as one of our members was absent (which happens more often than not, unfortunately.)

fortunately, we were meeting at the red cross. i had all the paperwork up in my office and access to our gmail account, so we had our first full-blown teaspoon.

so far, we've received proposals from two of the twentysomething organizations, and tsp review is only a week and a half away. ine proposal was from walnut way, one from growing power. growing power wants us to do a sort of database for them; so does walnut way. only the latter has more of a service aspect, so i believe we are leaning more that direction.

at the meeting, we talked about the walnut way project, and the whole group got really animated. everyone seemed inspired, ideas flew left and right. notes were taken and flow charts were made. even james remarked how astonished he was to see this level of by-in.

of course, our group inevitably has bumps. the joviality would not last long. as we were deciding how to handle the proposal (and ultimately, the deligate meeting with the organization.) we were in agreement that the process needed formality, and professionalism. some suggested a letter, others were in favor of a presentation.

since i've been pretty hands-off, with the exception of writing the initial RFP, i suggested we do both a letter and a presentation. i thought it would be best if we handled it this way because it's traditional to have both a letter of acceptance (and, consequently, any letters of denial) as well as a memorandum of understanding, which i thought would be well-delivered as a powerpoint.

one of my teammates immediately gnashed her teeth, informing me that i was not the boss of everything. the statement really cut me because i've been working on some issues, one of which was being overbearing or controlling. someone brought it up at midyear, and it's been in the forefront of my mind since, so i've made strong efforts to let everyone be a part of things.

i felt that the comment was unwarrented in this instant, but it was too late. i immediately disengaged. i felt my face flush and nearly broke down in tears. it's hard for me to work when i fell my contributions are not appreciated. i sat silent, barely making eye contact for the remainder of the meeting.

on of the other allies took the initiative to ask us to put the issue aside. i told her i was trying, but couldn't get over how upset i was about the whole thing. i felt like i've worked too hard in any capacity to be spoken to in that manner.

the offending party spoke to me after the meeting, offering an apology and some words that i waasn't too sure how to take. i listened to what she had to say, but i don't know that i feel they were genuine. if they were, what's the next step? and if they weren't, what then?

it's getting to a point in the program where i'm realizing that any sort of positive experience i am going to have personally is entirely up to me. there is no way i can please anyone but myself, and so that is what i'm working to do. so long as i'm not stepping too much on anyone else's toes, that's all i can do to get what i need out of this experience and go about my life with a better understanding of relationships in general.

there's more i feel i will learn in this program, but i'm not sure if it's what i thought i would get, and it's definitely not easy.

review for a fellow ally

2008-01-30T14:24:00.001-06:00

michelle dobbs has sort of become a resident guest in this year's ally class. she facililitated this year's rev. dr. martin luther king jr. day training, as well as being the co-facilitator of the mid-year community-building retreat at bjorklunden.

aside from being a fantastic facilitator, public allies cheerleader and national office executive, michelle is also a talented writer. she is a finalist in the amazon.com breakthrough novel award contest. how exciting!

the contest is open for review, and if you are interested in reading michelle's chapter and submitting a review, details can be found here.

i felt moved to support her, and submitted a review on the sample chapter of her novel rock island line:

"She would throw her hand up; still facing the direction she was walking, in some kind of tired salute. I don't think she said any words with that movement, because she never looked back. That's the kind of person she was, I guess, the kind who moves on." -Michelle Dobbs, The Rock Island Line

Michelle Dobb's Rock Island Line is a fine look into historical beliefs of African American families, as well as powerful commentary on class. Writing from the viewpoints of distinct characters, Dobbs gives us a glimpse of superstitions and spirituality that touches the lives of many.

In terms of delivery, the words sway together and offer up for close inspection the feel of a time period long since gone. Conversational dialect is authentic, produced in a respectful tone. Each character is a colorful 3-dimensional woman, represented in print by the strength of her words.

In a sense, these women are the spokeswomen of a tribe of African American pioneers of sorts trying to break the culture barrier of traditionally white Rock Island. For anyone who enjoys period-style pieces and rich storytelling, Dobb's Rock Island Line is a must.

the art of preparedness

2008-01-30T08:32:00.000-06:00

1/30/08

it's been a few days, but we're home from mid-year. i must say, it really was intense. at first, i wasn't sure how i felt about it, but after stewing in the idea of it for a while, it's safe for me to say i may very well have gotten much more out of it than i'd anticipated.

i also realized this morning how much i've gotten out of my placement, and public allies in general. it's bitter cold this morning, has been for the last couple days. the temperature is about 5 below, but with the windchill, the newsfolk said it felt like 20 below.

waiting at the bus stop (i have to take two buses to get to work) i thought about how cold it was. but i wasn't cold, because i was prepared. i looked at the guy next to me who, while dressed in the latest fashion, was certainly shivering. he must be cold, i thought to myself. why is he just wearing that little jacket? didn't anybody tell him how to get dressed for cold weather?

then it dawned on me. it's my job to tell people these kinds of things. as trivial as it may initially seem, disaster preparedness can save lives. i talked to a group of seniors at washington park senior center yesterday about fire safety. i'm always reluctant to begin when it comes to seniors, because i feel like i can't tell them anything that they don't already know. this time though, i had a really great time. rather than standing in front of them, i kind of went through the material, then had them talk about their experiences. it was a blast. we joked and had a good time, and the seniors reassured each other. we always tell seniors and people with special needs to have a network to check on them; in a lot of cases, people don't have families. as we were sitting there, they started to volunteer to call one another. it was really amazing.

in a similar vein, my supervisor veronica did a presentation and interview for fox 6 on cold weather preparedness, which we lovingly refer to as "baby, it's cold outside!" it's cut in with some footage of the clothing center (or closet) of repairers of the breach homeless resource center. the clip shows veronica giving a presentation to fellow red cross workers and also gives information about preparedness in general. it's exciting to see what we do really showcased for people, and if you are interested in what i do here at the red cross, i invite you to take a look.
if you'd like to check it out, here's the link.

now, i'd like to go back to the public allies and mid-year experience. i saw some things that really surprised me, heard some things that really made me see people differently. still, i wouldn't have considered myself truly moved until i basically got called out in front of everyone. one of my allies addressed the fact that i can be a bit bossy if not outright controlling. she told me (and, consequently, the group) that it was really interfering with her ability to interact with me even on a surface level.

a few months ago, i probably would have turned to her and said, you know, i really don't care how you feel about me, because that's just who i am. i would have gone on to criticize not only her, but every member of the class for not taking charge more often. now, i know that's not who i am, though sometimes in the shuffling madness of the everyday, i forget that. i do overstep sometimes, and sometimes that's ok; it's not always for me to be in control. controlling is not the same as leading.

i'm really glad she called me out. i'm glad she had the courage to say to me what i needed to hear, rather than whispering it to someone else. after all, aren't we supposed to be taking risks? i think that truly expressing yourself is a great risk many of us are unwilling to take.

it's wild to sit back and really reflect on things and have the eureka moment. i spend so much time anticipating the great change and bringing expectations everywhere that i hardly notice the subtle moment that everything shifts. the transition is seamless. i like knowing that there is room for improvement. it gives me great hope for myself.

you do not lead by hitting people over the head; that's assault, not leadership.
-dwight d. eisenhower

peck's community-building model

2008-01-24T21:09:00.000-06:00

1/24/08

we're here at mid-year retreat, at bjorklunden in sister bay. the middle of nowhere, the snow reflects the blinding light of the sun into the rows of trees and eventually out into the bay.

we have been sitting in circles.
we talk about things that are bothering us.
we talk about things that make us happy.
we are building a community as per the prescribed method.

pseudo-community.
chaos.
emptying.
community.

this is where our journey is "taking" us.

there is a concept here we are to practice, where the group sits in silence with no direction, only speaking "when moved to do so." at first everyone, was speaking as usual. back and forth, almost in a stabbing motion. there was anger. then people started to cry. more people decided that was what felt good, and so they spoke and cried too.

i wasn't really sure how to feel at that. perhaps, i was in fact moved to speak, but not to everyone in the group. simply, i am not there yet. i am in this spot where all i want is to develop the established relationships, to understand what is going on around me before i introduce more complications into this.

many of the allies admitted that their lives aren't as sunny as they paint them to be. the facades they wear to trainings are their "masks," it's easy to hide things so people think things are fine.

personally, i am not sure if it such a problem to keep things to oneself. often times, it's overwhelming to share with people, because all they want to do is offer advice (i too am guilty of this). right now, i cannot take any more advice. i want to be able to sort through my problems in an effective manner and make conscious decisions that allow for me to grow. (ironically, i keep a public blog, making this entire post reek of hipocracy.)

all too often lately, i find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place, one where i am finally able to ask for help, only to have the person(s) helping me lord it over me until i wish i'd simply struggled my own way through it. it takes so much to overcome the pride to ask, and once i finally do, i only wish i hadn't.

i cannot take much more of anything.
am i meeting my own expectation? i hardly have time to ask myself that, i'm too busy filling the role of who i need to be for everyone else. i am building the portfolio for success, only, the more i come to fill it, the emptier i feel personally.
i am tired of constantly being asked to talk. important things are beyond words to me right now, or at least any that wouldn't drive people away altogether. i am not sure where to take the terrible things, and so it seems i have filled up on them, and have no room for the good, leaving me ultimately empty again.

what's really fucked up, pardon my french, is that all of this is circumstantial. i am not an unhappy person. i am not bitter. i feel like everyone has caught me in a bad moment.

one of the allies mentioned something about becoming a person they didn't want to become. that happens sometimes. who is at fault? is it circumstance? is it the individual? are we a bi-product, or do we have real control over our destinies?

this is not who i am.

diversity and oppression: racism

2008-01-16T15:43:00.000-06:00

1/16/08

so, it's already wednesday, and i'm still struggling with a way to digest last friday's diversity and oppression training. this training session made me really upset. I feel like we focused so much on afro-centricism that we really didn't talk about racism. we didn't discuss any latino issues, nor did we even mention one of the most oppressed groups of people in our country: native americans. after all, blacks and whites aren't the only groups of people in this country.

why is it that all discussions on race ultimately boil down to being black or white? what about those of us who can't sit so cleanly on a side, and for those who simply don't fit into those particular molds? we are in fact, all americans, are we not? while our experiences may differ based on some predetermined factors that are out of our hands (be they sexual preference, race, gender, origin, etc) , everyone has been discriminated against. i don't feel that going around in a circle and saying what color we were was an effective means of discussing race. at most, i feel that it perpetuated an unspoken exclusionist attitude for everyone in the room who was not black-identified.

now, in public ally tradition, let me clarify what I am saying and assume some accountability for these words and ideas. yes, i do identify as black; i am comfortable with that. that does not, however, make it ok for me to go on a tirade against a whole group of people in order to express my sentiments on racism. look around. there have been at least 3 genocides during my lifetime. does that mean that you can successfully counter hate with hate?

i suppose that if we were to have a discussion on valuing heritage, and celebrating culture, i could understand a lot more of this training. cultural pride does not excuse the bashing of any race at any time, and i feel we let that happen. this time, because we were supposed to be having an inclusive discussion on racism, i feel we really didn't do the job.

in celebration of my own culture and heritage, i may apply the experience of being MULTI-RACIAL (read: not so simply broken down as black or white, but in fact, african, choctaw indian, danish, german, and french; surely there are many others that i am unaware of) to my existence. i can proudly express these diverse backgrounds, display all of the aspects of each experience, be that comprised of great struggle and endurance, beautiful music and arts, or delicious food.

when you re-read that last sentence, which part of my heritage do you think i am referring to? there is no one answer, because all of my make up, in spite of melanin or kink of hair, has beautiful and awful elements. i embrace them willingly, and am not looking to question anyone else’s.

i have no problem questioning the intention of phrasing.

one of the terms that's been thrown around lately is “white liberalism.” some people understand the expression, some don't. most are coming to understand it's negative connotations. but many of the white folk in public allies are asking themselves, "is that me?" it opens a whole new slew of terms we just don’t talk about. why aren’t we discussing words like “uncle tom” or “white-washed” and other such terms that have to do with the phenomenon of co-opting cultures? (i admit, i don’t know a lot about many other cultures, so my examples are primarily black relating to white.)

what about our own struggles as people within the context of our races?

i’ve seen wonderful and terrible in all races; and in spite of what we were told in the friday training, i can not buy that whites are the only group capable of being racist. I’m really curious to see what everyone else is really thinking, gloves off.

i get very razzed about racial issues. hate to say it this way, but everything isn’t always black and white.

for quick and easy popping

2008-01-10T09:22:00.000-06:00

1/10/08

yesterday was exhausting. i had 3 presentations over at lincoln street school, a meeting and pre-meeting with an ally. i got back to the office and was wiped, but found a particularly funny note:

rosy,
please clean the burnt popcorn smell out of the microwave.
look.

a couple days ago, just before it was quitting time, i ventured out of my office and into the red cross kitchen, bag of popcorn in hand. i cannot recall the last time i tried to make a microwave "meal" (popcorn with extra butter being a popular choice among the office-lady type...)

so, i read the instructions, which inform me:

1. REMOVE OVERWRAP. place bag, unfolded, in center of microwave oven. be sure THIS SIDE IS UP! (easy enough, right?)

2. POP! set microwave on HIGH and set overn timer for 4 minutes (the actual cooking time will be between 1-1/4 and 4 minutes). push START. listen carefully! when popping slows to 2-3 seconds between pops, turn oven off. DO NOT LEAVE MICROWAVE UNATTENDED... overcooking may result in scorching. (this is where the problems began.)

at first i was doing really well. i set the microwave to 3 minutes, figuring four minutes would be unreasonable. turns out, 3 minutes was also unreasonable. i got all the way to the part where it says "do not leave microwave unnattended." uh-oh.

what had happened was, i got an important telephone call, which lured me back to my desk, but only for a moment! ok, thirty seconds. anyhow. i suddenly saw thick smoke rolling out into the office. i ran into the kitchen to see the microwave coughing out a brown cloud of doom.

it smelled awful. the whole interior was coated with burnt artificial butter. the poor microwave was a wreck, and people began to stick their heads out of the cubicles and perimeter offices. luckily, people had begun to go home. i was so worried the smoke detector was going to go off.

but seriously... a note?

addressing more ally-related business, i had a really nice time yesterday at the lincoln avenue elementary school. there are several other americorps members there, and they were all really nice and willing to talk. apparently, it's a good program for them, but structured differently than ours.

i especially like visiting the bilingual classrooms. it seems like immigration issues in general function as a sort of microcosm of what public allies is supposed to be. the children are amazing, function actively in trying situations, often times shouldering the burden of translating for their parents; being ridiculed for their cultural differences yet preserving them while assimilating into american culture.

i feel like i'm starting to get the hang of this thing, the presentations and the red tape and the procedures. i'm learning the ins and outs, and at the same time, reflecting on my personal development. i am working hard to make the best of this experience.

a few days ago, i had a presentation at the veteran's hospital. i arrived a little early, so i sat down with a couple of the employees. we had a good time, talking about regular life things. this isn't something i'm usually interested in.

before p.a, i would have busied myself with some other activity, dismissing these women as the ordinary work-a-day sort. they couldn't possibly have anything in common with young, wonderful, artistic me.... but lately i'm realizing that everyone is the ordinary work-a-day sort. we are struggling for the same things, want to live our lives the best we can. everyone has something to offer, it's up to me to open myself up to receive it.

aww. i feel all warm inside.

new year. new you.

2008-01-08T13:59:00.000-06:00

1/08/08

happy new year. no really.

i rang it in at stonefly, courtesy of our very own geraud blanks. there was booty-shakin' a-plenty, good times and good beer.

so far, the year has been filled with a plethora of excitement, buzz, and creativity. i've decided that, in lieu of the traditional new year's resolution to "eat right and get fit," i'm taking matters into my own hands. after all, i just discovered putein*. my life will never be the same.

rather than making myself miserable by stuffing my face full of celery and packing peanuts (are those low carb???), i've decided to implement the hula-hoop exercises plan. every day, i'm trying to fit in one half hour of hula hooping, supplemented by at least a mile of running or walking. i decided this would work. and hey, hula hooping is fun!

onto more substantial things than my vanity...

we've sent out our tsp requests for proposals. it's sort of exciting to see what kinds of suggestions we'll get. even more of a mystery is what the other tsp groups are going with: how they laid out their rfp's, who they sent them to, what they're planning.

we've decided to call our team ASSET (Advance Sustainable Social Equality Together). isn't that clever? ideally, we've hoping our TSP will address youth issues, some sort of possible forum.. we're crossing our fingers.

our group is also having some issues with attendance and accountability. a few of the members really haven't put anything into the process. it seems like that's just the way it's going to be, and we'll have to work around that.

oh allies. friday trainings and the whole ordeal are beginning to get complicated. people are getting upset about the sense of a lack of direction. where is this program headed? what is the point? these are the questions that are arising.

just before christmas break, we had a huge blowout. it was about race. i am curious to see what will happen with that, what kind of approach our class will take: are we going to tackle issues, or simply ignore them until they go away? it seems that people have their opinions, but are too scared to come out and speak about them.

mid year is coming up. it's going to be interesting to see what happens when we're all trapped together for 3 days. will people deal with issues, or will they be swept under the rug while we all pretend the world is a wonderful place?

*.(read: french fries coated in cheese and gravy. amazing!)

additionally

2007-12-28T10:12:00.000-06:00

i found this on youtube. how very inspirational.

cheers to the dreamers.

christmas at the cross.

2007-12-28T09:00:00.000-06:00

12/28/07

this week has been both good and bad. i had four days in a row off, which was also a mixed blessing. i needed the break, but wish i had more to look forward to over those days. my first christmas as a mother was spent alone in a cold house waiting for something. i don't know what i was waiting for, but i think it did not come. what did come, was an awkward day of watching sitcoms.

the week was bustling. matthew is leaving for mexico today for the year of good works; i am again being left behind. i am going to miss him more than i'm prepared to admit. he spent the week flitting in and out of my sight, running last minute errands and still trying to keep me happy. he booked a lovely night at county clare and we had a little holiday in the midst of everyone else's holidays.

i also decided i will no longer be celebrating christmas. it broke my heart to be without my son, and so i am boycotting the holiday. from this point on, the family paradise will exclusively be celebrating kwanzaa.

by the way, today is the day to celebrate ujima, or collective work and responsibility. happy ujima, everyone! i really encourage everyone who is of african descent to look into this kwanzaa thing. it's very community-based.

one of my good friends was arrested last night. i got a call from a stranger informing me that this friend smashed into a fence, and was drunk, but alright. his drinking has been driving a wedge into our friendship, and the result is this final mess. i am worried about him.

a lot of things have been happening as a result of people binge drinking. i don't think that drinking is inherently bad, but it needs to be done in a safe, responsible manner. if you, or someone you know may be overindulging in an unsafe manner, please check out this article in the milwaukee journal sentinel. it might be helpful. it might even save a life.

yesterday, the new executive director arranged a potluck for the staff here. we all ate a bunch of bad for you food and eggnog and played a game of kind of jeopardy. it was really cute, because tracy was really excited about the idea of the game, but hadn't exactly worked out the kinks. it was fun to play a game with my co-workers, and our team even came in second place. our reward? a set of post-it notes, keychain first-aid kit, a tube of carmex, and a pouch of hot chocolate.

another really nice thing was a first year overtaking of a family tradition. since the decimation of my own nuclear family, my brother and sister have been amazing supports. they call and check on me, listen to me rant, and offer shoulders (but mosty tissues) to cry on. what we used to do when we all ived at home was renting a movie christmas eve and eating dinner. last night, my brother and sister came over to eat grilled cheese sandwiches and soup, and also brought me presents. i got some stuff, but the best present was when my sister popped her head in with MY BABY!!!

it was so nice to get to see him without the pretenses of dealing with other people's rules. we got to play and eat and sing together with matt and cyndi and spencer and zack. it was really a great surprise. we also got to watch some most extreme elimination challenge. brilliant.

today there is a snowstorm. essentially, that is what this year has been to me. i've lost so much, and gained so much all at once. i am hoping that this coming year will be a good one. i am looking forward to the homecoming of my son, and to the completion of this project. i hope to do great things, and so i shall.

"Go to the people. Learn from them. Live with them. Start with what they know. Build with what they have. The best of leaders when the job is done, when the task is accomplished, the people will say we have done it ourselves."
- Lao Tzu

charm school and teaspoons

2007-12-20T16:21:00.000-06:00

our friday trainer last week dubbed our team service project "the teaspoon."
how quaint. i think i like it.

we've begun meeting pretty regularly for the teaspoon. it's quite stressful, never the bearer of drink-sweetening goodness. it seems everyone is hesitant, tense. some of us are already anticipating working around those failing to meet minimum project requirements.

i started drafting the request for proposals as well as a cover letter. i was quickly reminded of the struggles i face as a writer. it's hard to begin, and even when you overcome that barrier, it isn't easy to continue. i managed to get it done.

presenting my hard work to the rest of the teaspoon team, i was torn to bits. not so much on the content of the letter, but the form. yes, i used standard RFP professional form, and sent it out for corrections. our meeting dwelled in that dangerous place. on the verge of cannibalism, teaspoons clanking against each other in a fury.

i picked up a copy of a local publication called citigal. inside, there was an article on why women are seldom successful in the business world. the author, melanie beres, called it "relational agression." it's basically when women tear each other apart to advance, never considering the cost of the damage. (she, of course, put it more eloquently.)

i like the fact that rather than just bitching about it, beres is putting her money where her mouth is. she's running a competition to groom young women into professionals while helping a few female-centric non-profits. beres is challenging women ages 20-30 to submit a 500-word essay on why they should be chosen for this project, called citigal charm school.

the charm school touts the ability to connect young professional females with business mentors who are women(!!!!), and to help lead them down the rocky path that is the corporate world. also, the winners get cold, hard, cash.

the top 12 essays are selected, and put into pairs. each team is assigned a non-profit (the women's fund, iou sports, cream city foundation, planned parenthood, coa youth and family centers, and the ophelia project) to hold fundraising events for. at the end, the team that raises the most money gets the $1000.

back to the point. i suppose that's the way i feel at allies sometimes. the ladies are hardly that, and are, in fact, unabashedly cruel to each other sometimes. i would like to see more of the principals of PA acknowledged in the participants. myself included. i'm no saint; but i mean well.

anywho, for those of you who would be interested in putting those skills to use, and also gaining more experience in business or nonprofit, submit your 500 word essays on why you should be chosen to citigal.wi.rr.com.

and by the way, which one is the teaspoon? or the salad fork?

out brief candle.

2007-12-12T11:39:00.001-06:00

12/12/07

it's been a while, but much has passed. of course, we had a friday training session, but there was also a tragic event.

in order not to lose my thoughts on it, i'd like to cover the friday training. we met at the LGBT center again on court street. the training was called "diversity and oppression: heterosexism" and the facilitator was our own todd wellman of the national PA office.

in spite of his attempts to make it more about the normalization of heterosexist ideas, i do feel it was largely about homosexual culture. todd did a good job of making the topic more approachable for those among us who perhaps are insecure about their sexuality, or for those who blatantly oppose the idea of the LGBT community. we covered the terms 'homophobia' and 'heterosexism' thoroughly, which set the tone for our discussion.

breaking off into groups, we were assigned a list of questions to discuss. i found that most people grew up with negative introductions to homosexuality from either their families or church groups. for me, it was hard to understand. i grew up in a pretty accepting family, speckled with not only LGBT members, but also more multiracial children than singular ethnicity babies. from this experience, i likened the idea of being LGBT to that of being black.

black, to me, isn't something that needs explaining. it doesn't need to be discussed in a serious manner, nor does it need to be frowned upon. if you are black, you just are. likewise for me if you are LGBT.

many of the females in the program identify with the LGBT community. in fact, many of us have had same-sex or 'non-traditional' relationships. to my knowledge, none of the men have openly admitted to any experience and in fact shut down. is it because they are afraid of being identified as gay? not men?

this also sparks in interest in me as far as the overall demographic of society: most of the men in our group are minorities. traditionally, minority men are the least likely to speak on the topics in a positive way. also, we were missing 1 of our three white males... what would his opinion have been? would he have been comfortable sharing it? what about the latino community? so many of us are accustomed to the white and black views on the topic.

i will say i was surprised that it went as well as it did. there was one thing that i would have liked to change though. at the end of the discussion, there was a fishbowl exercises where several self-identified LGBT sat in the center of the group ad had a discussion on what it was like to be 'queer.' i understand the intention as to make this aspect of living more accessible in terms of personalizing the issue, but i don't really feel it's effective. because there is so much stigma attached, i think this exercise would have been best done anonymously. that way, i feel that more of the 'closeted' LGBT allies would have contributed.

drawing from my own experience, i guess the topic was something we needed to have. i just wish it might have gone in another direction. todd did a good job, and we got through a lot of work on friday that must have left people thinking.

now, for the other event. monday morning, i got into my office to find one of my coworkers had committed suicide sunday afternoon. i wrote a reflection on it, but didn't feel right putting it up right away. i wanted to let my feelings mature on it a bit more before i really put it out there for everyone to see. here's the bit i did. it's incomplete and barely cohesive, but for posterity, i think the truth of it maintains some of the integrity.

12/10/07
last night i dreamed a strange dream about being taken to some kind of emotional studies with a bizarre psychologist in a white lab coat. the building was sterile, brushed steel and fluorescent bulbs. there were televisions playing clips of young girls writhing in cages (no older than me). they were fetishized, in pvc clothing and pancaked makeup. it was important for some reason. the psychologist kept asking me how i felt, what did the images mean to me? he pried. it was disturbing for some reason.

this morning i got into my office, the new executive director came into my office quickly and quietly. i felt heavy, unsure. one of my co-workers committed suicide this weekend, jumped off a bridge on sunday afternoon.

what do you say to that? it's a different kind of environment, you spend time with these people out of necessity, but find yourself developing relationships. i didn't know this gentleman very well, but everyone at work has become so close. he's been working here since 1994 and a ton of people were close to him, including my boss.

veronica came into the office this morning shortly after me. she was so happy, one smile away from bursting into song. i panicked. knowing i wasn't the appropriate person to tell her the news, i insisted she please speak to the chapter executive.

a few moments later, i heard wailing and sobs. again, i panicked. what does one do? (one does what one must, right?) veronica is a very religious person, so she was grieving for a close friend who had taken his life.

people are wearing their grief openly here. i don't exactly know how to go about handling this situation. everyone here is so close, they've been here so long. it's as if a piece of everyone has gone.

i am not sure where to fit in to all of this. i am here, and their emotions affect me greatly. especially veronica, because she's making a great effort to be there for me through all my own issues. she encourages me, and still offers time-tested wisdom.

so, that's what i came up with. i'm not going to try and encapsulate it. there's nothing more to say about it. it just makes you realize that life truly can stop at any moment, people are hurting inside whether you know it or not. love one another, and take care.

sneakers.

2007-12-06T09:40:00.000-06:00

12/06/07
there's a guy i work with the the cross who i really get a kick out of talking to. honestly, when he's at the front desk in the morning, i know i'm in for a smile at least. ty and i started our day off this morning discussing the pleasantries of interpersonal relationships, from the friendly hello to the intimate physical warmth. somehow, this led into a discussion about race relations and economic class.

ty is a black man raised on the southside of chicago, so he has a bit of knowledge about rough times. we talk about our pasts as angry black youth openly, and with the miraculous distance of affored hindsight. it's nice to hear the truth of it without any filters, no one to block the exchange based on attempts to "protect me" from that big bad world. ty knows that big bad world tossed me around, too, whether folks want to aknowledge it or not.

a little later, ty swung by my office to ask about some shoes he was looking at for his mom. we rapped a while, as shoes are a very accessible conversation for many folks, namely minorities. we talked about the functionality of specific sneakers; weaknesses we've identified in particular brands, the dependability in our favorites. soon enough though, we were talking about why people spend money on these things (and gadgets and cars and blah blah blah) instead of investing in their communities. we talked about gangbangers and petty criminals and crackheads. we talked about my father, who happened to be all three at one point or another.

something specific that i extracted from the conversation with ty was in regards to the visibility of "poor folks" (the oppressed in ally speak) in this world. we live in a time where people flatly ignore the problems facing a large chunk of people, so long as they are comfortable.

when ty walks home at night through the marquette campus, he said a lot of people immediately cross the street with the assumption that he is going to ask for money, or worse, engage them. occasionally, they would say hello, but more often than not, he could sense that they were afraid of him.

for him, there is the constant reality of fear; because he doesn't look like your average marquette student, ty is considered a threat. in reality, ty is a giving person who is more than willing to hear you out, let you do what you need to do and smile in spite of your attitude. so, to avoid making anyone uncomfortable, ty started crossing the street. he said, when you get to be my age, the battle isn't worth it.

but i say, what is the battle? i pay taxes, so i pay for side walks. my rights aren't based on the color of my skin, how much money i have (or don't have), or my mental capacity; my rights are grounded in the pure fact that i am a member of this society.

that's right. it's not a battle, it's an assertion of my existence. my sneakers and i have some sidewalks to claim.

the trading post

2007-12-05T09:27:00.001-06:00

12/05/07

as a direct result of make a difference day organizing, my office here at the red cross has become a sort of trading post for non-profits in need of stuff. at first, i sent out a solicitation email letting everyone here know that we were collecting toiletries for the guesthouse. the response was awesome, as one of the people from disaster relief (melissa, i think.... is anyone picking up that i am terrible with names?) donated a ton of toiletries to us, as well as an overall positive response by the rest of the red cross staff.

so, all these toiletries were shipped on over to guesthouse, and life moved on. it was quite lovely, i felt good about myself and earned a gold star on my belt of humanity, etc... and so i continued with my presentations and events.

a few weeks ago, a lady who volunteers with one of the other departments came into my office. apparently, she'd also received the email and was coming to drop some things off for the event. during our exchange, she remarked on a stack of boxes piled haphazardly in the corner of my office. i told her that these boxes were remnants of some grand plan, left over batteries from a donation campaign that didn't go as planned (apparently, double a batteries are not very popular in the disaster realm). so in my office they sat, abandoned and lonely, occasionally dipped into by co-workers for am/fm radios and such.

the woman had a light bulb moment. would it be possible for her to take some of the batteries? she had a connection over at the habitat for humanity restore project. i consulted with my boss, and it was an a-ok deal. presto, four of those boxes of batteries found new homes helping another nonprofit. add another gold star, i feel good.

now, a few weeks ago, i sent out a call for help to fellow allies. i've been having problems scheduling presentations. veronica told me it's pretty slow this time of year, but i just feel like i could be doing more. as a result of this call, one of my fellow allies actually spread the word. michael's mom gave me a call, and in addition to wanting a presentation, she asked me if i would be able to help out with a couple different projects she's been working on. being poor as i am, i was regretful that i could only help with the presentations, but i kept her in mind.

yesterday, around 2 pm, melissa... which i am certain is not her name... came into my office and asked if i could use some more stuff. then, it was my turn for a light bulb moment. i was excited to track down audrey, michael's mom, to say that i did in fact have some things she could have! another gold star.

i think that being a part of the chain of progress is where i fit in best. matt and i were talking last night about my interests as a means to determine what direction i should head career-wise. i determined that i am interested in business, but am not so much driven by money as by success. (for some people, those two things are very much that same.) this series of events is, in my opinion, very much success. someone heard about this project, and kept it in mind. others had things to offer, and so the first part was successful. after the event, people were still willing, and that allowed for help in other ways (to audrey's projects.) it makes me happy.

i'm actually getting to implement some good working ideas and see some tangible progress. it's not theory, but practical; these things are physically helping people.

i'm looking forward to the TSP. i've been reading a lot about service learning, and feel like this is the time for me to practice all the skills i've hoped to hone. with guidance and sugestions from fellow allies, program managers and community leaders, i can't imagine this going wrong. our team has a lot of motivation and passion for change, so i'm looking forward to see what we come up with.

call 911, then pick an issue

2007-12-03T10:35:00.000-06:00

12/3/07

howdy folks. it's been a while, but things are moving along. had a relatively leisurely week last week, and even had a good time at friday training. alicia had her baby, so the world needs to make room for cassidy james.

part of my placement is to give presentations to various community groups, 90 over the period of the internship. last month, i had a few presentations in different settings that gave me some idea about the degrees of difference in pockets of society.

my first round of presentations was at cass street school for the students. i went from classroom to classroom and talked to the kids about fire safety while the teachers hushed them (some even outright yelled). the kids were attentive, mostly interested despite having been told this a number of times, and over all fairly polite for five through ten year olds. they called me "miss ricks" and it made me grossly aware of my slow aging, the widening gap between between their playground freedom and my daily imprisonment to the office, shackled in place by a knotted-up phone cord.

the next presentation i want to reflect on was one i did at aurora adult day center. please know that i am blatantly ignorant about the living conditions of the elderly other than in ways displayed on such quality programming as "oprah" or even "the gilmore girls." going to the center was a little sad for me. it wasn't dirty or ugly or anything, but there was this overwhelming sense of gloom everywhere. the adults seemed lonely, some demented and confused; a few were doing art projects that would undoubtedly be thrown away within a matter of hours. these folks were very glad to be ushered into a room with me, but not so inclined to hear what i had to say. i found myself struggling as a young person trying to pass along knowledge to people who were a half century older than me or better. what could i possibly say to them that they hadn't already heard? here, i experienced the joy of being a mere space filler, a social gathering where the senior folks cajoled one another, even hooted and hollered a bit. i may as well have been speaking to myself.

my final presentation was at a local crime analysis meeting at the district 6 police station. this part, in fact, has absolutely nothing to do with my presentations, but more to do with increasing paranoia in the general population. there were a collection of angry citizens (most of whom were also much older than myself, and 3000% more likely to call the police than i am) as well as a few aldermen and assorted police types. for about 45 minutes, the officers discussed the lack of safety on the south side, and why people needed to call the police CONSTANTLY. someone in your backyard? call 911. are there a few kids milling around? 911. are you tired of those pesky renters? call 911. silly me, i thought 911 was an emergency response thing.

ok, friday training. i thought friday training went pretty well. granted, dave informed me that the cute guy from the beginning of year trolley ride was initially supposed to do this community organizing training, but the fellow (i think his name was steve*, so for all intensive purposes from now on, i will refer to him as such) who did it was pretty interesting to me.

he began the session by pointing out that he was NOT a community organizer. no, in fact he was a professor ( but you know what they say, those who can't...) but in my opinion, i felt he had the theory dead-on. starting by covering very bluntly what organizing was not (activism, mobilizing, and other half-baked intentions), he told us that everyone is not meant to be an organizer. he said that people were addressing insurmountable problems instead of focusing on tacklable issues. while giving examples, steve sort of cut sharply at particular jobs and organization missions, essentially saying they weren't important because they weren't getting anything done. people were offended at this, in spite of complaining about not making a change at their organization. it brought up arthur's previous point about the non-profits: shouldn't they exist to put themselves out of business?

so, that is basically where i'm at with that, with the exception of TSP. more on that later. congrats alicia.

*turns out his name is in fact aaron schutz. all apologies.

we are all leaders, we have to be. there are no big i’s or little u’s

2007-11-20T16:01:00.000-06:00

i sat down today with reuben harpole from the helen bader foundation and asked him some questions. we had a good time, and he put some knowledge on me.

me: ok, i made a list of things i wanted to ask you about. the first thing i wanted to ask you is how you got into non-profits.

reuben: i was asked. i had worked at the university of wisconsin for 31 years, actually maybe a little bit longer and after i stopped, i retired and dan bader, president of the helen bader foundation came and asked me how would i like to keep on doing what i was doing, which was working with children and youth. he said, only i’ll pay you and give you a budget. it was a no-brainer.

m: so it was kind of a transitional thing?

r: yes, just because dan saw something in me that of course i didn’t see in myself and he pulled me over.

m: what does the helen bader organization do, or foundation, rather?

r: the foundation itself got started because dan and david bader’s mother had passed and she left $150 million and they decided to put into a foundation and help the community based on what she dreamed. her dreams were music; alzheimer’s, because she worked at the jewish center so she cared about the elderly and the struggles they were having; and then she cared about low-income people like us. so they fashioned or molded her foundations around her principles and ideas, the things she believed in and loved. so that’s what we have; i work with children and youth and low-income people... we have something called community initiative and the community initiative is something that we don’t have a program area for. we have something called program-related investments where we help groups that are trying to get started but they don’t have enough collateral and so we’ll help them get started. then we have something called economic development…

m: economic development for individuals or for businesses or what is that?

r: all of that. they’ve taken north avenue all the way from 60th street all the way down to 4th street; all that development you see around 35th street, that new frozen custard place you see that’s going up, and the philips station, all that. and the university. over 11 years they’ve given $12 million to the university of wisconsin. since helen received her master’s degree in social welfare, the foundation gave in her honor $5 million to the school of social welfare and it’s named after her now; the helen bader school for social welfare. then they gave a million dollars to the institute for non-profit, helen bader institute for non-profit.

m: i’m looking into those for non-profit management certification…

r:If you wanted to get into that, that is where you would go and get your master’s.

m:i have to get my bachelor’s first, i’ve been looking into it at alverno. it’s tough, you know.

r: let me give you that right now www.blackexcel.org . it’s 200 websites for you, they say black students aren’t applying.

m: aren’t applying?

r: are not applying, including the bill and melinda gates foundation which is strictly for black students. 335 million for black students.

m: i would love to apply, that’s kind of why i am in this program. it helps you obviously with the experience, experience learning, and hands-on seeing what i want to do. then, getting the education benefit at the end is really nice. some of the local universities have fellowships with americorps and other service fellowships where you can go and get your master’s degree afterwards. marquette university is one of them, the trinity fellows program.

r: that’s fantastic, i didn’t know about the trinity fellows.

m: something that i am having a problem with in this job, and these kinds of jobs, is that i always feel like i’m stuck in a rut. like i’m not doing anything, not doing enough. what could you recommend or suggest?

r: i’d love to have you work with me. in terms of volunteering, there’s something we’ve got called “homework first” where you would adopt a school, take maybe the third grade class in that school and stop by at least once a month, but if you have time once a week, and check the kids in the room. whichever room you take, check to see that the kids are doing their homework. the teacher will have a board up in the room; if they missed their homework, there will be a black spot.
so if you catch a kid not doing their homework, you pull them aside and talk to them out in the hallway. say, “hey, what’s wrong with you? why aren’t you doing your work?” and they’ll come up with all kinds of stories. then you tell them, “look, are you smart or are you dumb?” no one wants to be dumb so, they’ll say “no, no, i’m smart.” “so if you’re smart, do your homework. what do you want to become when you grow up? whatever it is that you want to become when you grow up, you’re still gonna have to do your homework.” you just urge them on to be the best that they can become, because we need them.
there are a lot of other places where you can organize too, there’s a place called “pearls for girls” and they work with about 500 young ladies over on the corner of clarke and palmer. that’s denae gordon. or on the southside there’s another great one called…. well, i forgot the name of it but it will come back to me.

m: i just feel like i can’t get enough done, or like what i’m doing is just not important enough.

r: so, what are you doing?

m: right now i work here in community disaster education, i go to schools and talk to kids about fire safety, community centers; i talk to families, elderly, talk to a lot of minorities and the latino community, spreading the message about things people take for granted as far as safety is concerned. i'm working with the 6th district of the milwaukee police department on 27th street and a few schools… cass street school, loyola academy, and franklin pierce elementary. wherever i can get my foot in the door.

r: what would make you happy?

m: working with the latino community. ideally, what i would like to do is work with low-income latino families and orientation into our culture but nt necessarily homogenization.

r: for instance, at kagel, ramon…

m: candelaria?

r: you know him? he’s working at kagel. just recently got an award too, so that’s fantastic. get a hold of him, and you can be my person there. or forest home. or both….

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right now on 1290, they’re talking about sexual abuse, there’s a nurse on there who’s been doing it for 27 years, counseling young people who get into that. there’s a need for… i made a recommendation for funding for a lady who’s going to go into the schools and talk with young people about sexuality and how to control yourself.

m: there’s an ally who works with FORGE who might be interested in that, do you have contact information?

r: 1290, call and ask for cassandra macsheppard at 444-1290. you can ask about the name of the nurse regarding sexual abuse.
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m: what type of skills do you think are necessary to be a community leader?

r: first of all, your heart’s got to be there. after that, then you should understand accounting. there’s a reason for that. a lot of folks are poor; not because they didn’t make money. they’re poor because they didn’t know how to handle it. so, financial literacy is very important. that’s what i want all these people in these schools and all these people who work with us, to work as coaches who work with children and their parents: teach them what money’s all about and how to really make money for themselves. to take a little bit of money and make it grow.
it’s a little bit more than investing, it’s planning, budgeting, putting some away. then, when you get enough, you do the investing.

m: what about those people who don’t have that at all?

r: one woman came up from new orleans, she was an educator. she came here because her sister was teaching at the lloyd street school and she grabbed a bunch of welfare mothers and said “look, how would you all like to own your own homes?” And they said, oh yeah. “how would you like to have some money?” oh, yeah. she said, “ do you think you could save a dollar a day? you think that would be difficult for you to save? if ten of you all did that, at the end of the year, how much would you have? $3,650. so you could take that and put it on the down-payment. then one person could have that home. then you could do it again, and pretty soon, that home would build equity, and you could get another home. pretty soon, you’d have ten homes.” and that’d be ten folks on their way to building wealth. real estate is how you can build wealth for yourself. you hear that? it only took one dollar a day. make it work for you.

m: what about the people who are interested in service, more hands-on?

r: guess what? service, you’ll do that. that’s a leader, to do service. when you do the service, you want to be able to make a contribution, right? so the person that you are giving service to will soon become you, and they can give service to somebody else. once you help develop the skills, say you want to develop skills for yourself, you develop knowledge so you can pass that on. it’s no good if you just keep it to yourself. life’s better if you are able to pass it on.

m: so where would you say somebody like me would start? i don't have a lot of education but i would like it; i want to be involved in the community.

r: that's your first objective: get an education. when you say education, what do you mean?

m: get a degree.

r: a degree in what?

m: i was looking into a degree in nonprofit management or teaching. i want to be a teacher.

r: first we gotta decide what you want to be, do you want to be a teacher or do you want to manage nonprofits? what's first?

m: teacher segueing into.

r: ok, first thing is you have to go into the school of education so you can get a teaching degree. what do you want to teach? third grade? fourth grade?

m: i would like to teach adults english.

r: ok, that's adult education, that's something completely different, a different track. adult literacy is fantastic. you know, right up the street from you here is the literacy place. you can get started right there. maybe volunteer one day a week, see what it's all about.

m: i've done that part. i taught english as a second language for a year, and that's how i decided "this is what i'm going to do."

r: then you want to get a DWW, start talking to someone as soon as you are developing your schedule as to what you're going to take. reading is going to be in there, they teach reading because that's a skill. they've got a reading department in the school of education. and then you want to learn the philosophy of teachers. do you have all of your prerequisites out of the way? get that out of the way. there was a reason why i asked you to take accounting. foundations all over the world, the main thing they look at when they go into a nonprofit organization is, are they good stewards of their money? can they develop a budget? can they manage a budget? that's the bottom line of a foundation. that's why i told you about accounting. a lot of people don't hear me say that, they let it go over their heads because they think, oh accounting, it's just numbers. no, no, no. it's the way you look at something. there are a lot of crooks out here.

m: i guess people don't realize that you need the same skills you need in the business world in the nonprofit world.

r: what's the biggest thing to a schoolboard? budget. you heard them say there wasn't anyone out there when they were talking about raising %16. people thought they meant 16 pennies, but they were talking millions of dollars. so you need to understand that. that's why accounting is very important. and the biggest thing in the city government is budgets. biggest thing in the county, budget. biggest thing in the federal, budget. every year they're fighting over it. so, unless you know about it, you can't even understand what they're talking about. the next thing, of course, is after you do your research, you go out to uwm to the helen bader institute for nonprofit and talk to dr. john palmer smith. tell him that this is your goal. you want to learn about this. tell him that you want to be a teacher first, but you want to know all about non-profits, because you might have to raise money some day if you want to open your own school. and a place for you, a lady who used to be a lawyer... her parents bought her a school. she's on 12th and garfield the 2200 block of 12th. go by and take a look. say, i want to find out what you're doing out here. talk about energy, wow. she became a lawyer, but decided she didn't want to be a lawyer. she wanted to teach. she's now the principal of that school. they took over the old ymca. you remind me of her. see, you came into this world. with a purpose and reason for life, and you're now exploring because you're going to do it. i see kids coming into school who can't even tell time...

m: adults can't tell time.

r: that's true. you've got a lot of adults who had kids at ten years, eleven and twelve years old, so they were children when they had kids. so there are a lot of things we take for granted as adults, they didn't get.

m: would you say the skills you learn for nonprofit can lead you into other avenues?

r: definitely. working with the young people, what we're trying to get inside of them from the second grade through the fifth, are 5 values, these 5 values are what adults should have also. reading skills (how to read), study skills (how to study, how to go in and pull the main idea out), order, discipline ( oh, i don't want to do it... do it anyways because that's what you're supposed to do, and that's discipline), and responsibility (bringing it back to where you're supposed to). those are the five values necessary to be an adult in this world; if one of them is missing... when i say reading, what does that mean? comprehension, decoding, critically analyzing this the truths involved (where did they get the information from?) and implementation. what does it mean? people think just because they know t-h-e is 'the' that they know how to read. that's just decoding. now what does 'the' mean? it's an article. this is what we're trying to teach the kids. once they get to sixth grade, they better get serious about their education because from sixth through twelfth grade, that will shape them. and if they're not ready by the time they finish twelfth grade to go on to college, or a technical school, they're going to be behind forever.

m: i guess i want to ask this: how can we as young people, get into nonprofits and not be treated like kids?

r: that's a perspective. that might not be true. for instance, if you walk into an office where there are a lot of older people, yes they are going to look at you as if you are much younger, and what they're thinking about is that they might not be around long enough to give you all the knowledge that they have. so they try to give as much as they can while they're here and it sounds like sometimes they're just preaching, or it sounds like they think you don't know anything. that's not it; they're not taking any chances. they can make an assumption and think you know and go away an not tell you anything, or, they can say, "well maybe you know, maybe you don't know, so i'll just share this with you." things that the older person might think is imortant for you to know and they feel that they don't have enough time, because they might get sick or they might die... that' what happens with a lot of older people who work with younger people; they want to give them as much as they can all at once, and a lot of time, i have to calm myself down and say "slow down, man." there's something called conceptualization where you can't see the whole picture. i can say something to you, like i can talk about accounting, and i'm thinking about all the meetings i've been into over the years, foundation board meetings, and i notice how they look at the budget. so you don't see that, but i've had nine years of doing that, so when you ask me, "what is the most important part of nonprofits," i say a budget because, down the road, somebody's gonna ask you, "what do you mean by this? how come you have x percent here and only y percent here? how come you don't have something over here?" i've heard the arguements. so, if i tell you that, and you think i don't know anything.... i might be telling you because i think you are smart and you can pick it up. so there are two ways of looking at the comment you just made. one, is that they think you're a kid, or a baby. the other is that they think you're smart and you can handle it. it's a different perspective. they're not trying to hurt you, they're trying to help you. i'll give you an example of that.one of my favorite ministers is out of chicago. he's awesome. he said one time, his mentor (who was much older than he was) loved to come to cities that had a lake. he loved coming to chicago because he had the great lakes there, lake michigan. so what he would do was get up early in the morning and concentrate. he would be quiet so he could listen to god. he'd walk the beach. one time he saw a goose playing with a fish. the wave would bring th fish in, and the bird would grab the fish with his bill, and when the water would recede he'd drop the fish down into the sand. the fish would be flapping, trying to get back into the water. he kept doing that. all of a sudden, he got tired of playing with the fish, decided to let the fish go ahead and swim back. then, when the bird tried to fly, he couldn't; the whole time he was playing with the fish, he was sinking into the sand, but didn't see it. he couldn't fly. so the old minister reached down to help the bird, but the bird snapped at him. he thought he was going to hurt him. the minister said i wish i knew how to speak the language of this bird, so i could tell him, i'm not trying to hurt you, i'm trying to help. the minister says, i've got husbands in my church i'm telling the same thing to. i've got them coming in with their wives and the husbands only think i'm trying to get them in to make money, so they don't listen. i'm trying to tell them i want to help them and not hurt them...

m: you said something about his mentor. how does one get a mentor or enter into a mentoring relationship with someone?

r: it happens sometimes by chance. or, if it's someone that you really admire, you go to them and say "hey, i'd really like to talk with you periodically." now, anyone who's ever done anything great has had a mentor. today's paper, there's an article on the superintendant of mequon. he's only the second african american superintendant in the state of wisconsin. demon means... he asked me and howard fuller if we'd mentor him. i said sure, but he never got back to me. i think he's ben talking to howard fuller, but now he's the superintendant of schools. his goal is to become the superintendant of mps. he's only 35 years old. a riverside grad. that's where dan bader and his brother graduated from. and i had a program over there at one time, with about 30 or 60 kids.

m: were you born here?

r: yes, i was born here at county hospital. it's gone now, but i was raised here.

m: do you remember when we were at the UCC and we were walking around and you told me about african names? you kind of started to tell me about it but then we had to finish the tour...

r: yes, did you find out what day you were born?

m: thursday.

r: oh, thursday. aba. yours would be "ya". the woman that was born on thursday in ghana is a hero. she helped lead them in a war against the british and won many battles. ya ashantiya.

m: my son was born on a thursday as well.

r: he's going to be political, strong. lyndon baines johnson was born on a thursday, so was michael mcgee. he's gonna be tough. once you get your mind on something. the tribes would look to him to bring about revolution, to bring about change.

m: what day were you born on? and what does it mean?

r: tuesday. fiery. risk-taker. dr. king was born on a tuesday, malcolm x was born on a tuesday, howard fuller. all born on tuesday.

m: so, i have one more question for you. if i were to stay here in milwaukee and try to find my way into the nonprofit world, what would you say is the path of least resistance?

r: you have to answer that question.

brilliant!

this is the essence of our talk. i enjoyed the one on one interaction. it was neat, good to talk to someone who's been around the block. everything didn't quite make it onto this page, but the good stuff is certianly here to be deciphered. learning to digest, take in these kinds of things is a part of all the training i'm supposed to be learning.

i guess this means it's starting to work.

that's all for now. in the meantime, happy thanks-taking.

2007-11-15T09:17:00.000-06:00

11/15/07

it's strange, but i think i may have had a great day yesterday.

no, really.

i've noticed that since this whole thing with my son in court, days have been so long and everything is an excuse for something bad. but yesterday, i actually found something to smile about.

the first part of the day was spent at cass street school. i think it may very well be a black hole, but it didn't even get to me. matt, back from mexico, made me a delicious sandwich for lunch and we went for a walk in the wind. that ended with coffee and cookies from brady street. it was nice to feel appreciated.

after the end of my presentations, i came back to the red cross to messages from people who wanted presentations. AMAZING! someone finally got back to me! i can do my job successfully. events were scheduled, life moves on.

next, i decided in order to pay for legal fees, etc, i am going to be needing another job. peter, a friend of mine, decided he would refer me to this fancy place off moorland road. we went there for dinner and i filled out an application. the bar manager was really nice to me and made a note on the application. it looks good.

dinner was swell too.

something that's been strange for me is not seeing the other allies. i realized i don't really know any of them very well, but that's my fault i suppose. I've been very internal lately, focusing on the slow but inevitable unravelling of my life. i haven't seen anyone in almost two weeks, with the exception of seeing people waiting on the bus stop. what is happening with them? how are their lives?

friday training is coming up, and it might just be alright.

dinosaurs vs non-profits

2007-11-07T09:07:00.000-06:00

11/07/07

q: what is a ynpn?
a: young nonprofit professionals network

last night, i attended (briefly) a meeting on volunteer management at von trier with dave. i was indeed late, but it wasn't my fault! those delicious tacos at live as well as a frosty draught got the best of me....

i am not sorry.

in fact, i am sorry i didn't stay longer to eat more tacos, drink more beer, and watch jeff goldblum's incredible struggles against gigantic man-eating dinosaurs

(what a lovely man.)

the event was hosted by the education committee of ynpn, and reminded me very much of the first friday training session, only less focused because everyone was there with their own agenda and expectations. all in all, it wasn't the presentation that was so bad. if it weren't information we'd received already, i might have been really interested. the problem was the aftermath, or what dave came to call "the fixers."

every one's dealt with that person who asks a question they already know the answer to. in fact, the questioner is often only looking for someone to back him up in the conclusion he's already drawn. (read: he wants to be right, and wants someone else to say so.)

after said question is proposed, the fixers come in and make suggestions that usually begin with phrases like, "well, what i usually do..." or "you know what i think..." and in the end offer little to no new information that the questioner had not already discerned in their wicked little mind.

every one's looking for validation, right?

from what i gathered, everyone at that meeting was deeply affiliated with a particular non-profit. the problem with this: the topic was volunteer management. it seemed that many of them were very far-removed from the volunteering process in reality. some of the comments on strategy [like how to treat volunteers in problem situations (for instance, overly needy, aggressive, or perhaps physically incapable)] enraged me as a volunteer observing this group.

it seems as if non-profits forget that people are doing work for them that people in the real world do in fact get paid for. they may not be giving dollars, but they are giving their time to do jobs most np managers and coordinators just don't want to do. when is the last time a board got together to stuff envelopes for 3 hours outside of work? if donors are the lifeblood of non-profit sector, volunteers are the living tissue that houses the well-intentioned spirit.

(sorry about the envelope metaphor)

does anyone else consider the volunteer-organization relationship? it's one thing to say you appreciate them, but how do you make them feel? are they taken for granted, or perhaps spoken to in a condescending fashion? maybe the next session will be about coming back to the grassroots of the movement.

dinosaurs:1
non-profits: 0

what's the difference?

2007-11-05T14:42:00.000-06:00

11/05/07

last friday was madness. PA met friday at urban underground for training and debriefing on the make a difference day activities. though i had a problem with the MADD experience, i felt it was worth it. we did a lot of good work and got a taste of organizing firsthand instead of just talking about it.

there was a lot of tension in that basement. it seemed as if people felt the need to defend the fact that they had in fact done anything at all. an argument was inspired by a sheet we had to fill out saying what we did in the group, how long we worked, etc. some people over-elaborated, some didn't say very much at all. i was in the latter group; i felt it was apparent that i did my fair share too.

we broke off into our committees and went one by one around the room to discuss our roles and whether or not our particular project was successful. i was pleased with my group, because even though it didn't go as planned, we still made it work. while some of the group folded clothes they'd collected, some of the others went to friends and families (event their own closets) to make up for the unexpectedly empty boxes. there was discrepancy about whether or not the absent members just left to get out of the day, but this was inevitable.

as we went around the room, each group shared their perceptions of success as well as trial and error. when the program managers reached the office team, there was a lot of frustration.

here's where it got interesting.

mari, the contact for the office team, wasn't able to get to the guest house before one, so everyone was kind of confused about what to do in the mean time. they plugged in as best as they could in order to help the other teams. upon her arrival, mari introduced the most bizarre sort of mailing system for fundraising letters i've ever heard of. rather than matching letters to corresponding envelopes in alphabetical order,or even addressing them by hand as they came (or even attaching labels per envelope) she created a numerical system for more than 14,000 solicitation letters.

actually, it wasn't the system that was so wrong as the way she implemented it. according to the office team, she neglected to print the letters and envelopes in any sort of order; numerical, alphabetical, or otherwise. in addition to a poor system, the printing wasn't even complete.

so...

all of this led shana to ask the office team questions such as, "what did you all do during the planning stages of the committee," or "did anyone contact mari in relation to the intended system."

temperatures flared as the other allies tried to explain they thought the directions were clear: stuff envelopes and help complete massive mailing. how were they supposed to account for this system, senseless roadblock? defenses were made.

here is where it became not only confusing, but frustrating for most of us. rather than moving on, shana sort of snapped at the office team for their lack of foresight in the planning stage. she wanted to know why noone had contacted mari and asked for more exclusive details in relation to the project.

it wasn't so much what she was trying to say as how she said it. the looks on the faces of the allies was strained, ashamed to be spoken to in that manner. on one hand, her questions were so valid: we had planned for weeks, yet who would have expected for something so simple to go so wrong? there was a communication lapse as she continued to dig and the office team attempted to defend their stance.

so much more was said, but it felt as if that discrepancy painted the rest of the day long and unpleasant. it really came down to a lack of communication, but the nursing of so many bruised egos. we asked ourselves, is this part of the training? to face conflict? are we better to talk around it, or to face it head on?

the second half of the day was dedicated to our tsp teams. we met upstairs in a conference room, but the morning sentiments still hung thick. the session began with an hour long series of personal attacks and revisiting the morning, as well as new accusations. it was awkward and uncomfortable; james said we wouldn't be able to be successful if we didn't get everything out now. what would happen to the team if it came out later?

it felt good to go home after everything. i felt awful, and didn't doubt whether everyone else felt the same. we were all fed up, tired of fighting. i can understand that. we're going to have to figure out a way to coexist without taking up verbal arms, but as peaceful and competent individuals.

against a backdrop of the ghede

2007-10-31T08:51:00.001-05:00

10/31/07

it's halloween. traditionally, this is my favorite holiday, but over the last couple of years it's been less than spectacular.

last year, i was pregnant and upset; this year, i don't have my son to celebrate with due to some absurd family feud.

even though we've only just begun, i'm already trying to plan what i want to do after my P.A. term is over. i'm not used to working on a salary; it's kind of upsetting because it feels like no matter what, you're going to be putting in more than your fair share of hours (even if it's only out of guilt.) averaging it out, if we get paid hourly and do exactly the minimum of required hours, we're making about $8.83. keep in mind, we are working overtime some weeks, doing things on weekends, and in my case, often working evenings.

this isn't to say i'm complaining. i'm just checking the facts against the reality of being a functional adult. as a waitress with a steady schedule of approximately 35 hours a week, monday through friday, i was making exactly the same amount of money in addition to having a more flexible schedule. why does it cost to help people? how much time can we give without giving up all of our lives, and to what end are we expected to do so? i love to be a part of the community, but how do i do that while maintaining a sense of self, of family?

i guess the point i'm getting at is more personal. it's been difficult to get used to this desk job thing that takes me away from being able to control my own schedule. i volunteered before, and worked because i had to. it was enjoyable and i felt like i was supplementing my life rather than temporarily abandoning it. how do people live "normal" lives, how do they find jobs that they can work without compromising their moral integrity?

i spoke to an army recruiter yesterday for about an hour and a half. she came over to my house and we talked about options. an ominous word, isn't it? i hate that a large portion of my even allowing her in had to do with money. after this whole instance with my mother, i don't ever want anyone to question my ability to provide for my son, nor do i want them to be able to question my intentions for myself.

it's unfortunate that my experience in the P.A. program is shrouded in insecurity; it's got to be factoring into the way i'm filtering the whole thing. it's a defeatist sort of approach, so much in question that i feel as if i can't process the good things adequately.

if anything, i know i really appreciate the training sessions. my desire to be mostly left to soak up the information alone is the only part of the experience i struggle with. i don't even think my disdain for some of the allies' behavior has so much to do with the fact that i have come to distrust people and the recent past has affected me very traumatically, whether anyone acknowledges or realizes it. rape, car accident, being kicked out, a solitary pregnancy, and now this custody battle... so much to absorb with merely human skin. at least when i am listening to the knowledge someone else has to offer, i can find logic in their ration, comfort in their encouragement.

i've been reading a lot while riding public transit. it's easier to focus on being sandwiched between the covers of a good book than being sandwiched between a vapid college freshman and some guy who smells like the culmination of dirty diapers, cheap malt liquor and stale knockoff cologne. currently, it's stacy patton's that mean old yesterday. the book is great, paralleling patton's experience as an abused black foster child to american slavery.

mostly i like that the book holds black culture up to the light as far as some of the asinine practices so many of us liken to being black. the practice of harsh violence used as a means of discipline, faith in a religious institution that is not made for the downtrodden of any color but to control, and of course the perpetuation of self oppression by means of a broken system.

nobody said the book was pleasant.

and so my first halloween as a mother begins, without my little king of the cemetery. in haitian voudoo, bawon samedi is the name of one particularly well-known spirit who controls a group of dead known as the ghede. when i chose samadhi's name (which means "one with god" or "enlightenment" in sanskrit), his father disapproved. he was born in the louisiana bayou, in pre-katrina new orleans. he grew up in that strange culture that celebrates the dead in top hats and sunglasses. now, we have our little prince, king of the cemetery. one with god.

make a difference

2007-10-29T16:55:00.000-05:00

10/28/07

i never want to see another pot of chili again. or at least for a long time.

over the past couple of days i made about 6 gallons of chili. my house reeks of chili, there are stray beans migrating all across my kitchen floor. cumin has found its way into the most intimate recesses of my mind. oh chili, why?

it did taste good.

make a difference day was yesterday. it was, to say the least, chaotic. it was still successful, in spite of our frustration on the lack of organizational direction. i will say the green dream team kicked that garden's weedy butt. it looked dramatically different when i left, almost no weeds to be seen. they worked long and hard with little distraction, and i'd like to commend their efforts.

public allies took the guest house of milwaukee by storm. inside, some of us wrestled with equally unglamourous activities such as organizing food, clothes, stray pieces of furniture, and of course envelope stuffing. nothing says non-profit like donation solicitation.

a think a lot of the allies were upset about the lack of presence from our program managers. shana and kate did come, and james was out of town. things were falling apart at the seams after we all heard dave wasn't coming. people were more than pissed that rafael didn't stick around for our hard work.

even the fellows kicked in. tish and i tackled the toiletries pantry; wiping, labelling and organizing gargantuan bottles of liquid soap, scores of family-sized tropical-flavored shampoos, and toothbrushes as far as the eye could see. april and adebesi cleared out a room overburdened with dry good and moldy sandwiches. david wielded gardening tools for the better part of the day.

we all ate lunch together, though not much. i think people had a hard time eating while the guys were around. They were provided food even before we got settled, and we told them if they wanted to help out the volunteers, they were more than welcome to help themselves to what we had brought. almost all of them declined, and eventually finished off the majority of the chili. as long as it didn't have to come home with me.

the best part of the day for me was showing jenni, a former PA employed at the guest house, the progress we made. she was so excited that it made all the crappy stuff kind of unimportant. it's those little moments of victory that really remind you how good it feels to actually be doing something, not just sitting in some meeting all day.

all in all, the day was a success. i hope.

chinacostaricavietnamthailand

2007-10-29T16:35:00.000-05:00

10/24/07

had my IDP with james and veronica. still up to my ears in busywork, but not dollar bills. decided to do a goal which revolves around my desire to get TEFL certified, james wants to check in on it in about six months. i can get college credit, but i have to do the classes online, which should take about 2 months. i guess if i don't go out of the country, i can use part of my money from the education grant to pay for it, because it's based out of the roosevelt university in chicago. the only thing is you have to log on every day and do the work online. that could get tricky, i'm awful at the internet.

i was looking at the different places that would let me teach without a b.a. and it looks like china's the best bet. with it's close proximity to india, inclusive housing and the fine art of mandarin, i think i could have a good time with samadhi. apparently, you can also do private tuoring and double your income. sounds like a good way to get things rolling instead of just hoping i can ge myself together, especially considering the declining value of the good old american greenback.

we're all getting ready for make a difference day. our committees have been working on this for a while now, and i'm glad it's almost over. i've got 2 huge boxes of toiletries under my desk, but it smells like a soap box in my office. i kind of loathe it. i'm also making a huge lot of chili for the weekend, because we couldn't get anyone to donate food. dave got annona bistro to donate some brekkie, and i got some stuff from beans and barley, but that's all she wrote.

james and i took the toiletries over to the PA office in the grand, and i ended up on the spot. there was an introductory meeting there and we were all spotlighted amidst chili and donation solicitation. it was nice, april and rob were there too. chili was had by all.

nothing too much exciting. lots of work to be done. i had a presentation at la causa community center, it was really great. the group was so small, and they looked relieved that i could talk with them a bit in spanish and answer their questions. i even got a couple of people interested in volunteering. that would take care of that part of my requirements.

i realized this will be better for me once i complete the requirements of the program. that way, i can focus on having a good time instead of just numbers. numbers give me anxiety attacks.

opening ceremony

2007-10-23T16:21:00.001-05:00

10/19/07

it's opening ceremony today. i got up at 5:30 to get to oshkosh at 9? we, of course, were late. it's beyond me that the standard expectations of the programs aren't extended to all members. i'm going to leave that as vague as it is, but i'd appreciate it if everyone respected the constitution.

we didn't leave esperanza unida until 7:30. i recall there being a specific mention that we were leaving at 6:45. we arrived at 9:00, the event began at 8:00 with a breakfast and interaction. we missed the opportunity to introduce ourselves. once again, we are dishevelled public allies. we are rude, loud and late. we spilled into the auditorium bleachers. a poor speaker delivered a read speech on behalf of senator kohl. utterly disengaging.

we said the americorps pledge as a group and each participatory organization was introduced. what can i say? public allies represents.

bob pedersen of goodwill spoke to us. easily he was the most charismatic fellow they'd got. he covered just about every situation and colored each one with stories of hope and inspiration.

on the bus on the way here, jessica, mike and i were having a conversation about this crackhead called "knowledge." mike said he had gotten his hair cut by someone named knowledge; i asked if he meant the crackhead. that led us into a discussion on what knowledge, knowledge had. mike said, "underneath all that crack is a person." it was a really interesting discussion, a change of perspective for those of us who have parents in the same situation as knowledge. are we seeing the person, or are we seeing the problem?

being here at this conference is making me wonder if we aren't the cocky ones of the whole organization. we are the program that is groomed for leadership, yet we can't accomplish the simple tasks of timeliness and responsibility?

the other workers seem very humble, a quietness about them sets us apart. it's not to say we won't do good things, but i wish we could start doing this good and spending less time with this distracting waste.

over all, i'd say this wasn't very efficient, that we'd have been fine at a local non-profit office workshopping. there was a lot of being talked at, as opposed to being talked to. most of our time was spent at lunch... which we should have together more often, during our meetings perhaps.

however, i will say, as rambunctious and rowdy as our class is, we certainly can have a good time. everyone is their own distinct person, each a facet in the gem of this experience. so, perhaps today wasn't wasted. perhaps we could have done something else, but perhaps we did.

as for the americorps members, we didn't really get to meet anyone. we missed the first wave of networking potential, and we stood out. we also left early. was this what that the experience was meant to be? of course not. i want to get more out of these experiences than a free meal.

fire!

2007-10-23T16:16:00.000-05:00

10/18/07

the last couple of days have been intense. my first bout of disaster ed presentations (DEPs) was at the pierce street school. i went from class to class with my fire saftey info and smoke detector. i pushed the button; stopped, dropped and rolled, and all that other firey goodness. it was a good time, but i was definitely tired.

in fact, some of the teachers had given their students so much misinformation and spent much of their time talking through my presentation. it was irritating; i wanted to tell them they were wrong and endangering their students. i did a little, but they just got more upset and rearranged the words they were saying without actually changing anything at all.

the that's-not-really-our-job ally

2007-10-23T16:02:00.000-05:00

10/10/07

on my way to work this morning, an ambulance whirred past and ducked out of sight down 26th street. i was at the bus stop on 27th and wisconsin. shortly after disappearing around the corner, the lights were gone. no more sirens

as i entered the building, i saw a man with wounds too puffed to be fresh ( swollen eye, cuts puckering out from their origins) and bloodstains dried on a dirty tee. it was all very surreal, awkward way to begin.

much of my time at ARC is spent on independent projects and contacts; occasionally a suggestion is sent my way. so far she's asked me to do a couple of safety tip sheets for HOPE network newspaper (a resource for metro milwaukee's single moms) and to assemble information on particular TWP material both in english and spanish.

i'm learning a lot of things through this placement, including what people take for granted as far as safety and resources are concerned. the gross misinformation is startling. hence disaster education outreach, and my position.

i've always been thinking about the cultural aspect of nonprofits in relation to their functional mission and target demographic. each organization streamlines their particular energies to serve particular needs. as in for-profits, departments and committees develop to meet each need.

here is where i am encountering confusion. since my partner organization is so well-established, it often seems that each department has fallen prey to over-specialization, leading to compartmentalized discontinuity. this lack of common goal leads to lack of communication which, in my opinion, leads to strange alienation.

for instance, when i tabled an event at wisconsin lutheran college, i met a student named april who was interested in giving blood, perhaps even organizing a blood drive. she informed me that she was o+, and that she'd like to give blood twice a month.

this excited me, as o blood types can help the most people, so i took her contact information to pass along. i mentioned her as well as her professed desire to spearhead a blood drive. my excitement was met with little enthusiasm, as well as a discouraging rebuttal:

"that's not really our job."

ouch. cynical familiarity: 1; youthful optimism: 0.

i scream for peach pie

2007-10-23T13:35:00.000-05:00

10/02/07

i've been too busy to write! my car broke down, so i've been grounded as far as work and scrambling as far as school is concerned. it's been a tough go, but i'm trying and i can't give up just yet.

last week's training was, for the most part, a more effective happening. the group apologized to each other for disrespect and we even managed to make a few adjustments to the cultural constitution. everyone seemed wary of causing out lashes; people waited to speak, and for the most part, things went smoothly.

we had a fellow named dave come in and talk to us about leadership. intuitive leadership and emotional intelligence (EIQ). the whole theory was directly applicable; he spoke about empathy and social ability as well as doing an exercise in listening. we all paired up and said colors as quickly as possible to 1 partner while the other repeated them. after switching roles and repeating the exercise, we did the same thing with a story. the room got really loud and it was hard, but everyone seemed to enjoy the experience. i'd like to use that exercise in school for the communication project.

after lunch, we talked a bit more about the constitution but then moved on into panel topics. as a group, we reviewed the topics we hope to cover over the course of our friday trainings. we also added topics that interested us. one of the most popular was "hip-hop as a means of social change." kate led the discussion.

closing circle consisted of everyone saying their favorite ice cream or dessert. there were many elaborate descriptions that made even ben and jerry blush, as well as the simple admonitions of vanilla.

i picked peach pie.

understatements

2007-10-23T13:28:00.000-05:00

9/22/07

i have school this weekend, and am constantly paralleing p.a. to alverno in a structural sense. both are hard (and often times frustrating). though i struggle with it, i am trying to extract meaning/value from the experience.

i am thinking about my experience yesterday. i could not wait to go home, and ended up getting sick from stress. looking back, some people are incredibly supportive, in spite of how the group responds to my personality.

not to say much about any of the others, but i am grateful for those suportive allies out there. alicia is incredible. though we may not always agree, she's great at expressing herself, making everything clear so there is seldom misunderstanding. dave has not only been encouraging, but also inspiring to me. he pushes me to go on even though he knows how stressful it can all be. arthur and isaac are kind of a team, always checking in on me. i appreciate it.

hopefully, all of this will resolve itself.

what am i doing here?

2007-10-18T09:55:00.001-05:00

8/21/07

ally check-in. everyone seems to be happy with their placement; those without one seem a bit down-trodden. it's good to see everyone, the morning is lovely. i feel like i did an awful job with check ins; everyone else has these optimistic and informative statements about their post.

we all have so much do to! it seems like people are already trasforming into working types, though some are more professional/attentive than others. work, work, work. these fridays are intended to be the weekly highlight.

hearing everyone, i know we can all offer one another a ton of help if need be. that's reassuring, because as the experience unfolds, i realize i have absolutely no idea of what i'm doing. ever in life.

we as a society take everything for granted. all this talk about what we have in the city makes me see that milwaukee might not be so bad.

bonnie andrews of the volunteer center is giving us info on volunteering and time managment*. she averages (national v.s. city) why people volunteer, how to relate as professionals to your volunteers, and putting recruitment plans into action with a plug-in excercize.

it's hard to get things done in large groups. everyone is talking along the sides; i can only imagine how the speaker must feel. i also see james getting upset. i understand his frustration, as he has to deal with all of our information (beaurocratic and otherwise) and then attempt to facilitate here. noone is being attentive.

i thought i would look forward to these sessions. by the end of the first half, i can already see this is going to be difficult for me. it tries my patience when people don't understand that we are all adults in a situation which requires self-control and respect. why can't everyone behave as such?

there has been a huge lack of respect for speakers and each other in general. i'm not sure where i can fit into all of this. what are others thinging in relation to the program?

i understand people want to have fun with their new friends and all, but there is a time and place for all that. friday training sessions are not that place. i want to absorb this information; it is relevant to our positions as well as applicable to our lives. it's as if i'm one of few foolishly taking things seriously.

i'll need to figure something out, right now i feel like the official group bitch. this is pushing me, i understand i'm not perfect. maybe i'm taking it to personally? i am seriously questioning whether this is the place for me.

attempting to establish a constitution of sorts. it isn't going well. just venting. granted, this establishes som solid ground, but we're only covering means of basic communication. see: RESPECT.

i am noticing people who are usually reserved speaking out, only to be met with attacks and being spoken over.i'm not angry anymore. sheila pulled me aside and offered some words of wisdom, got into my head. she, and people like her, are uplifting. they are the ones who feel like allies in the true sense.

*with a quote from a reputable KKK member, as later pointed out by kate.

table for 2

2007-10-18T09:40:00.000-05:00

9/20/07

today was the first opportunity i had to spend any sort of time with veronica. she's been great so far, the atmosphere is totally relazxed and all she expects is my honesty and hard work. things should go just swell.

i will say this is going to be on of those jobs where they throw you in head first. you learn how to swim quickly, or drown. yesterday, i tabled my first event at concordia university.

of course i was late. however, it wasn't my fault this time! before leaving i asked if the route indicated by mapquest was open, as it is construction season in milwaukee. she said there shouldn't be any problem. i left at ten am as planned, allowing for half an hour's drive time and half an hour to set up the display and materials. as my fine luck would have it, there was construction on every road i needed to drive on.

i arrived at the campus (which was also under construction) at exactly 11:00. there were maybe three students (one of whom was dragged in by his nursing student girlfriend). i did make a connection with a fellow named jon from the greater milwaukee chapter of big brothers big sisters. he kept me entertained as we shared a table. neither of us were important enough to have one set up for us.

that was that, but the week has been great.

2007-10-15T15:21:00.000-05:00

9/18/07

so much has passed! school, training, the pinning ceremony, my first day on the job. it's all amazing really, and now i have a moment to catch my breath.

thursday, we had a community tour with reuben harpole in a trolley. we visited a bunch of historical and socially engaging places. we stopped at the site of the steel mill massacre in bayview, the memorial of joshua glover. we started the tour at the U.C.C. (united community center) where elena

is placed. we had an extensive tour, it was really great. the resources are impeccable, as well as the structure of the U.C.C.

friday was the most intensive (excluding the ropes course) training experience i've had to date. in the morning, we met at the uwm school of continuing education (where the milwaukee p.a. is moving, i believe, and are working to get college credits for us *fingers crossed*) and had a number of speakers and a PISD training. veronica came, the allies and partners were paired up.

of course, i had to lose my parking validation. it was wonderful and certainly helped my ever-present tardiness issue. the lot attendant told me i couldn't leave unless i a.) ponied up the $15 or b.) figured something out quick.

naturally, being incredibly poor, i chose option b and set my mind to work. i used to work at the mall and got a receipt from one of my old co-workers. that way, i only had to pay $3 to park, but lost the entirety of my lunch hour (the other part having been taken up by a speaker who was intent on staying the course in spite of having used up her time.)

i made it by the proverbial skin of my teeth to the next and final core in the city location. we met at the black historical society on 27th street. there was a great panel of non-profit workers, teachers, council members. we finished it all out with the pinning ceremony.

i was next to james, and the first person pinned. i have to say that it was a really great experience. it felt like we were all doing this symbolic thing together, committing to do our best.

it's never too early to dream

2007-10-15T13:02:00.000-05:00

9/13/07

today's morning session is with todd wellman,
director of training and learning from the national office. we're covering Asset Based Community Development (A.B.C.D.) and have been given a ton of really good tools that i would like to use in my training (personally) this year. i'm really going to focus on bettering myself this year; to take the time to reflect and grow as an individual, to be the best mother i can be for samadhi.

i'm so glad to be a P.A. it's giving me the opportunity to expose my fammily and friends to a variety of resources, in addition to making myself an asset. at first, i wasn't sure these training sessions were going to be helpful; i'm thrilled to be getting so much information. i know i work best when i'm over-loaded with information. this forces me to learn the information as well as organize it so it's accessible when i need it. quite literally, i am a community organizer; i was the logical notekeeper at brewing grounds: i wrote the menus and recipes, proposals, budgets and everything. that is also the role i'm taking in the group now, documenting through journals and photography.

i'm thinking of compiling a cd of all the photos and some original music/artwork from the allies and making it a sort of yearbook for all of us as well as a section of my portfolio. i'd be likely to actually do this with ife.

though we started at the united community center with a tour and training, we went on a trolley ride

with reuben harpole

all over the city of milwaukee. he's a historian and community activist. he filled us in on a lot, and also told me what my african name might be (i was born on a thursday, so my name would be aba) and gave me his card.i'd like to interview him, he's a community asset (vocabulary: someone/something that is a prexisting positive resource within the community).

after each day, reflecting on these training sessions is making me better, more complete. i am going to strat setting goals for myself as well as mapping all these incredible resources. maybe i'll put it on my wall.

all of this is making me re-consider my major at school to non-profit management.

yesterday, i found out most of the P.A. philosophy is based on the alverno curriculum. i also believe alverno offers credits to students who experience extra-curricular activities that are applicable to the learning structure of the school. i am starting to see how this whole thing works and think it can help get me to a place i'd like to be.

united no way

2007-10-09T16:55:00.001-05:00

9/12/07

today we meet at the united way. my grandmother called this morning, crying and asking where samadhi was. she gets frantic sometimes, and so i ended up going over to check up on her. when i got there, the burners on the stove were still warm. she turns them on when she gets cold, but turned them off because she knows i don't approve. i comforted her for a little while and was a half hour late to the day's training.

our first session was "seven laws of managing up" the essential summary of the goals were: remain humble; use discretion in your words; uphold your integrity; be about actions, not about words; know your place in the heirarchy (in order to appropriately navigate where you want to be); plan ahead; and work smarter, not harder.

we read adebesi's article on power, which brought up a lot of interesting discussion. we talked about the use and abuse of power, proper application of power, and about reliquishing power at the appropriate times.

shana brought the word "empower" into the conversation; i created a slogan for the day in relation to the application: power to empower. tee also brought up a good acronym to evaluate if what you are going to say is important Why Am I Talking? (W.A.I.T.) wait is a really good way for me to apply the essential components of listening and thoughtful speech. communication requires much self-assessment; am i wasting breath, or are my words valuable to others?

2 applicable parables to the session: "better a wise man to remain silent and be perceived a fool than to speak and remove all doubt." micah said, in relation to preparation: "proper preparation prevents piss-poor performance."

that was the basis of our first session, after which megan, alicia, jenny, shannon, and i went for lunch at the public market. it was my first non-group encounter with more than one ally at a time. it was interesting to see them intimately, having a moment to come out of the program shell.

the second session was forming our first SMART goal. funny, because my first goal is to maintain patience with people and situations which otherwise test me. i had to list 3 ways to move toward that goal:
1. remain calm
2. hear someone without bias
3. analyze less, accept more

next, i had to find ways to make steps toward these attempts
1. in order to remain calm, i need not over-react; breathe; and level myself internally.
2. to really hear someone without bias, i shouldn't jump to conclusions; i need to practice active listening; and not to judge.
3. to analyze less and accept more, i need to aknowledge that mine isn't the only way; take things at face value rather than assuming; and keep an open mind.

over a 10-month timeline, i developed a way to get to my goal. in the first 2 months, i want to practice nonbiased listening. over the first 4 months, i want to work on my patience. over the first 6 months, i want to apply the training of communication i'm learning through school. in 8 months, i would like to have a better grasp on lovingkindness. over the course of the 10 months, i would like to develop a grasp on mindfulness.

a little later on, the national c.e.o. and president of public allies, paul schmitz,

came in and talked to us about the directional compass model of personal analysis.

visionaries

mobilizers nurturers

analysts

we broke into groups based on our intuitive decisions. i was in the visionary group where we primarily decided we were a group of dreamers and creators. our shortcomings became strikingly apparent.

as we were trying to discuss everything, no one was listening to one another. there was too much ego, too much disinterest. everyone was involved in sidebar conversations, and talking over each other. i eventually gave up, handed over my notebook, and walked out the door.

already, i have failed my first task, forgotten my first goal. i needed to calm down, so i created my own acronym (they seemed to be helping today):
Patience, Accept, Understand, Synthesize, Encourage. P.A.U.S.E.

i think this will be a simple way for me to maintain a forward drive and reach my goal.

what's your sign

2007-10-09T16:03:00.000-05:00

9/11/07

today's seminars were on finances (credit reports, analysis of budgets, and other systems), and personality types.

i'm having a hard time digesting this analysis procedure. it seems as if much of this is seriously conflicting with the stereotypical models we were talking about earlier. i think these theories are too narrow; there are too many possibilities out there, and so i don't feel the spectrum here is broad enough.

i'm listening, but i don't understand the function here. the order of these sessions is challenging me in terms of logic. ticara brought up astrological signs, and to me (and most people, it seemed)that made sense. astrological signs are related to the season in which they fall, and can affect the circumstances of one's life that way. summer babies, spring babies, fall babies, winter babies. we have experiences and are brought up under the auspicious events coinciding with the seasons of our birth, and therefore our signs.

i actually admit this is the first session i haven't enjoyed so far; tomorrow i may have a mental evolution and change my mind completely. i am seeing myself grow but at the same time, recess so quickly, swinging back and forth with little discretion or bias.

old friends

2007-10-04T14:51:00.000-05:00

9/10/07

i arrived an entire hour early for the training session. james was waiting in the rain, i invited him into the car and we chatted a bit about the program. everyone is pretty comfortable with each other now. it's interesting to see the intrinsic relationships, the way that people are leaning towards each other in these new friendships.

for the first session, we talked about the 4 basic requirements of graduation: 1.)presentation of learning, or POL 2.)Portfolios, professional and personal 3.)360 evaluation/IDP and 4.) personal inventory service document, or PISD. aren't acronyms the cutest?

we had a panel discussion from former allies dave and susan.

we took a break and re-convened at the friend's meeting house (ironically) to talk about diversity. these are going to be big fights, close to personal parts of our hearts. everyone is still walking on eggshells and trying not to offend each other; perhaps this is everyone's way of trying to use the appropriate language and thereby learn about diversity through sympathetic eyes. i can't say just yet.

i know one of my goals is to be a better listener, but these topics set me aflame. round two is a bit more truthful, people are beginning to reveal their "personal prejudices" as well as fears of being discriminated against. this is a learning experience for me; the conflict of interests makes for learning experiences.

the topic of self-hatred has been brought up. that is the root of so many of these problems. if we could see beyond our own issues and insecurities, problems would dissipate.

blurring the lines

2007-10-02T15:59:00.000-05:00

i've decided to incorporate my real life (non-p.a. stuff)in all of this chronicle. it is, after all, my own experience- why not season it with my own flavor? since returning from the retreat, i find myself trying to apply the skills learned subconsciously.

in spite of the fact that my ENTIRE body aches beyond belief, i've tried integrating the mapping and engaging skills into projects at school as well as establishing S.M.A.R.T. goals. i think my classmates hate me for making everything more complicated than it needs to be.

i've also noted the insane parallels in my life. alverno has 8 key principles that are required criteria for graduation: communication, analysis, problem-solving, valuing in decision-making, social interaction, developing a global perspective, effective citizenship, and aesthetic engagement.

sound familiar to anyone?

return to the city

2007-10-02T15:51:00.000-05:00

9/8/07

being back in the city is so strange now, it's so very loud. no more peaceful crickets, no more watery blackness, no more anything. i actually did the ropes course, and my body aches in places i never knew i could hurt. it was heart-in-throat, but everyone managed (go team!) and nobody died. part of the fear was liberating, part of it paralyzing. i don't think i feel any stronger or better having done it, but am now glad it's over.

the ride home was nice; silent and intimate, away from all the people. it's also given me the time to reflect on the actual lessons we've learned over the course of the weekend. in spite of my best effort to avoid engagement in the activities i didn't want to participate in, i learned a lot and had a great time.

life maps!

2007-10-01T16:06:00.000-05:00

9/06/07

so, we're doing/sharing our life maps with the p.a. group. everyone is really similar, very different. either we're fresh-start convicts, single parents, and crack babies; or over-indulged, world-travelled denizens from two parent families.

and so many of us are broken. how are we going to work together in these strange circumstances? a lof of the stories are heart-wrenching. this is now our "community." we are going to have to get beyond our differences, beyond skincolors and religions. we are going to have to be the difference.

life maps?

2007-10-01T15:56:00.000-05:00

8/06/07

today we're focusing on the metaphor "into the wilderness," which essentially entails telling our stories of trying times, the hopes and fears that came from the situation, as well as the outcome-- how we got "out of the wilderness."

we shared stories with one or two people and discussed the parallels of hope in the potential of each struggle. dave and micah brought up the fact that in traditional story archetypes, the journey is what makes the character an unmistakable hero. essentially, it's not the destination that validates the experience, but the means by which it is achieved.

we also watched a few sections from a film about the importance of story-telling. that led into the planning and creating of life maps. our life maps are intended to show who we are by means of personal backgrounds and life experiences. these things comprise our ethical, social, and familial perspectives.

this is a daunting task. i mainly deal in fiction, and getting into my own life is a bit too real. but, as we were talking about story-telling, shauna asked us to push beyond those comfort zones and just try to be real. so here i go, and i am terrified.

retreat from the retreat

2007-09-27T16:13:00.000-05:00

8/5/07

the beginning of the trip began early, but we ended up late (as usual). my car couldn't handle the weight of 4 people; the wheel well scraped precariously against the tires. amber, rob, arthur and i had to come up with a quick plan. we ditched my car in riverwest and rob* led us the rest of the way. onward we trekked, leaving behind not only excalibur (my poor car), but also the cassette player and wood-jointed snake i found only a day earlier.

we arrived a half-hour late to the retreat. i feel like a serial late-comer, though this time the excuse was actually valid. i'm trying my best, i can only hope it will be good enough. if not, due to circumstances, it may be the undoing of a future.

once we got into the main lodge, we did some general introductory work as well as an icebreaker or two. we paired up and got blindfolded, then threw crumpled-up newspapers at each other. it seems the p.a. are all about the newspaper; apparently, there's a newspaper fashion show tonight.

our second icebreaker involved getting into groups using non-verbal communication based on similar interests or the like (people with glasses, people who like to cook, musicians, etc.). this retreat, perhaps the whole program, seems to have a lot of the same principles as alverno. i'm starting to see why particular aspects are emphasized over others. i think the program and my studies are complimentary; the foundations and philosophies are already beginning to take root in my thought process.

after we discussed fundamental procedures, we talked about the 5 core principles of the program. each one ( diversity and inclusion, continuous learning, focus on assets, collaboration, and integrity) was listed and we stuck post-its with our understanding/goals of each principle on corresponding posters.

following that, there's been a lot of down time to really retreat from reality in the conventional sense. we swam and played frisbee and unwound a bit. after our campfire fashion show, we had more discussions and headed back to the dorms.

as soon as i got in, someone started blaring music as loud as could be; and so i snapped. jessica took me to the gas station so i could pick up some cigarettes; i ended up apologizing to everyone, and tried to reflect on things as they happened.

i'm trying to use this time to refresh myself spiritually and emotionally to take in all the lessons as well as the potential friendships created and the simple beauty of this place. we went up to a hill to play a few games (with team building strategies secretly embedded) when there was a gust of wind that blew down a shower of spade-shaped leaves. i don't know who else was watching, but it was beautiful.

i'm attempting to be more positive through all this, because i know i struggle with time-imposing. i don't like being told when to eat, when to go somewhere, how long to reflect; all of this is part of the team building challenge. we are learning to function as an efficient unit of organized adults preparing to make a difference; now is the time to put away our youthful know-all egos and begin to step into those roles of the community-oriented adult.

another goal i have for this retreat is to be a better listener**; i don't want to just hear what people are saying, but to absorb it and take it into consideration rather than waiting for my turn to speak. part of listening too, is giving others the chance to express themselves. otherwise, no listening is actually taking place.

*i think rob has a tee shirt collection to rival mine.
** this is a goal i am going to try and implement over the course of the program

story of my life

2007-09-27T16:05:00.000-05:00

8/30/07

typical me, waiting to the very last moment to do my autobiography, get a birth certificate, find child care for samadhi. at least the first two things really were a surprise; i never received that package. i'll write the biography tonight so i can turn it in tomorrow. hopefully, it's what they need.

i also have to call veronica and see what else needs to be done. after lake geneva, we get to work immediately, diving right in.

the orientation

2007-09-27T16:00:00.001-05:00

8/28/07

a lot of new faces: people dropped, it seems a lot of people have had the same problems i've had. missed connections, no callbacks, who knows what.

we filled out a million pieces of paperwork and talked about the potential of our placements. everyone seemed to have trouble with the order of things, we all experienced chaos in one form or another. one guy was so frustrated that he quit because the work as too much.

when i hear things like that, i just have to laugh. knowing my own situation, i am more than ready to admit this will be a challenge, but nothing worth quitting over. i'll make it work.

2007-09-26T15:26:00.001-05:00

8/27/07
after yet another week of hearing nothing from the p.a. office, I gave them a call to make sure i wasn't missing anything important any time soon. as it turns out, i am missing a ton of info.

as it happens, there is a meeting tomorrow of which i wasn't informed*. u have already had to be on my p's and q's about this whole thing, lucky for me. i'd be utterly lost. i've only been contacted once since being told i was accepted into the program, and that was to go on another interview even though i've already received a placement.

all of this, along with school, another job, and family life is incredibly stressful; i'm trying to stay positive and motivated on all fronts. my college has an affiliation with the order of franciscans and all of the sisters wear a cross with the letter tau inside. the cross is the same as the red cross' cross; st. francis is my saint of choice.

there is a meeting tomorrow at esperanza unida that will fill me in on the thing that all the other allies probably know. i don't understand how i got so far out of the loop. i try to stay in contact; it feels like i'm really struggling to stay informed, but to no avail.

next week is a field training retreat at lake geneva (9/4-9/7), then it's back to work/school/life/etc. i'm looking forward to the retreat, i need a change of scenery and vacation from my life.

after the retreat,we'll start our daily work,9-5 "core training in the city." i'm not exactly sure what this is about, but i imagine we'll hear more about our placements and their expectations as well as solidifying as a class. monday the 17th is our first day at placements.

*i understand the p.a. office is getting ready for a relocation to the uwm continuing ed office in the grand avenue mall

everything (everyone) has it's place.

2007-09-25T15:54:00.000-05:00

8/20/07
last friday, i got a telephone call from raphael at the public allies office wondering if i'd be interested in going on an interview in brookfield at the kidney association. this was a completely unsolicited placement offer from an organization i know nothing about. moderately hesitant, i said i would go.

initially, after the red cross interview with veronica, she said i would know about the position by thursday. well, i got the call from p.a. (from now on, p.a. is public allies) on friday, but without mention of the red cross postion was made.

i didn't want to assume i didn't get the position, so i asked. raphael said it was still an option. i was left hanging. i agreed to give the interview out of sheer concern of not being placed.

this morning, i decided to give a call follow-up call to the red cross. when i spoke with veronica again, she said i had the job*. it's pretty exciting. i get to set my own hours, and i get to talk to people about safety.

*i kept my acceptance letter, as well as the job description. note my sheer delight; the possibilities are endless.

la cruz roja

2007-09-25T15:38:00.000-05:00

8/13/07

today at 1, i met with veronica from the american red cross for disaster education outreach. after reading the full description of the job, it seemed pretty cool. it's basically going around to groups telling people about what to do in an emergency.

she had me do two interesting excercizes with a few slips of paper. first i had to oganize a list of adjectives in order of importance to me, which she compared to the values of the red cross. it was a really coll excercize; i'd like to implement it into some kind of activity i'm doing, maybe with samadhi, or even with people who have difficulty expressing themselves conventionally.

the second excercize she did was in relation to a what if situation. the question was, "if you were given an assignment that you didn't know what to do with, how would you handle the situation?" then there were a list of proceedures that should happen. it was a need thing. i liked the excercize; it was a great activity that made me reasses my personal values.

the interview lasted for almost 2 hours; veronica and i got on really well. i guess i'm coming to the conclusion that any placement will probably make me happy.. i like social work, i like being involved in the community*.

this whole experience is teaching me a lot about myself. it's teaching me patience and the importance of self-presentation. i'm starting to see the work and dedication that goes on behind these quiet little groups to help so many people. no credit is given, the jobs are thankless, and that's ok. someone needs to do the work behind the scenes.

i'm anxious to start the process. i want to begin.

*a positive development for myself.

may the panic begin

2007-09-24T09:28:00.000-05:00

8/02/07

i guess the ranking sheet was due a few days ago, but since i have nothing to go on, i have nothing to turn in. up and down, trying to ground myself in something strong enough to sturdy me. there is so much weight here but i have to push on, remain calm, and positive.

8/06/07

stopped into the public allies office today because i'd called a bunch of places and have gotten no response or been told they'd never heard of me. that was incredibly discouraging and alarming. all i can think about is what will happen if i don't get a placement, and what that will mean for samadhi and i.

it feels as if my whole life is resting in the palms of some unforseen hands.

8/09/07 restoration

today, hope was restored in my search for p.a. employment. i received a telephone call from veronica carter at the american red cross while at work. i also received a call-back from one of the workers at the guest house. i signed up for a placement there, and i've been improving my spanish for anything, just in case. i'm scheduling interviews for both organizations.

8/11/07 coup de grace

the wind is blowing hard. before my double shift, i called C.O.R.E./el centro about the position; they gave the position to another person*. i knew that was coming. i can still go to the classes, it's still $7.

that made this whole experience more real, the pressure is off. there is more certianty less riding on chance, less opportunity to be let down by anticipated ideas gone awry.

monday, i have the interview at the red cross.

*[ i understand why they gave luis the position; his first language is spanish and also is a dance instructor. luis, i am not mad at you, you are more qualified than me, and you deserve it. if it was anyone else, it had to be you.]

in the heights of mania

2007-09-24T08:44:00.000-05:00

7/26/07

at my interview at C.O.R.E./el centro; i'm nervous/excited. work on health of latinos. words. i love this building, this place makes me comfortable, at home. these are people i can relate to, whose struggles and mine are the very same.

i met with one of the directors of the program placement; ana paula is brazilian, i can hear the sway in her voice. the meeting went well, in fact it was great. there were so many good feelings from the whole session, i felt like i could really belong.

only my 2 top choices called me back; it's getting hard to decide which direction i'd like to go [look at me, as if the decision were all mine. this is in hindsight by the way...]; either way i know i'm in for hard work. the experience is exhilarating. i'm still going to call up my other choices and ask what's happening.

also, while at C.O.R.E. i ended up signing up for their fitness classes. i want to try yoga and capoeira. things are great, i'm excited to try everything.

7/27/07 a little boat of happiness overturned

well, i guess my choices are becoming fewer; the LGBT center pulled out of the program and gave everyone a call. i was dissapointed because these 2 organizations were my top two choices, and no one's called me back at all.

i feel i've been very pro-active in the whole of this process, speaking to the organizers and to ally coordinators about specific concerns. it's kind of sad; this program could change my whole life, now i don't even know if i'll have a placement at all. it's incredible how nerver-wracking this is. anxiety is huge. one minute, your hopes are soaring, the next, you're flatlining and haven't the foggiest idea of how to right things.

the reality of the situation is this:
-be placed with an organization (at this point, it doesn't even matter which) and have a fighting chance for samadhi (my beautiful son)and i,
or
-go back to selling drugs to supplement welfare and pray that ends meet.

humble pie

2007-09-19T14:55:00.000-05:00

7/24/07

i received a telephone call from anna paula at C.O.R.E yesterday. she told me that whoever takes the postion needs to be fully bilingual, and she wasn't sure if i was going to be able to fill the position.

i admit i was humbled; i am not fully bilingual, but i'd like to be. this job is my number one choice. surrounding myself with like-minded individuals and the latino community would lift my spirit right now. i also think it would compliment my lifestyle, not just benefit others.

what does that mean? i need an internship for me, not just something to write on a resume. i need things that are positive in my life to be a stronger person. quite frankly, i'm again terrified of what this future will bring.

7/25/07
time is on my side...

i woke up this morning a panicked sense that i had missed my interview; lucky for me it wasn't until noon. that gave me time to think about what i wanted to say. the placement was at project q, through the lgbt center. i met kurt, mo, jay, and was re-acquainted with warren. the interview went well and i enjoyed the atmosphere. i think i'd make a good addition to the team, but am still interested in the C.OR.E./el centro position; i feel it would actually change my life.

i was really dissapointed when ana paula called to say she was unsure if i was qualified for the position. it hurt my herat, honestly. to be doubted before i'd even set foot in the door was discouraging. granted, i will need to practice, but i'm actually quite good at spanish, and am confident in myself. (did i just say that?)

i stopped in to the public allies office and spoke to rafael. he encouraged me not ot get down on myself and to give some other organizations a chance ( or, trying not to put all of one's eggs in a single basket.)

ana paula called me back later in the evening to talk about my ability as a bilingual ally.i had a bit more confidence in myself, thanks to the chat with rafael. i'm actually a lot better at spanish than i give myself credit for; i need to trust myself and let the rest just come.

ain't no holla back girl (i'm sorry, i couldn't resist.)

2007-09-19T14:44:00.000-05:00

7/20/07
i received the first call-backs today from some of the partner organizations. first, the LGBT center called, scheduled and appointment for noon next week (the 25th of august). i was exhilarated. they already knew me because our family hosted project q events at the house, so there was an instant connection. later on, C.O.R.E./el centro called. these are my two top choices. Ana Paula made sure to mention that i need to be able to speak spanish; i told her i was up to the challenge. it would really improve my vocabulary and give me the opportunity to learn more about wholistic practices. i am thrilled and terrified all at once; i cannot wait to see what the new day will bring.

the beginning, part 2

2007-09-18T15:58:00.000-05:00

T.A.L.C. New Vision supports small local high schools in milwaukee that are similar to walden in philosophy. i feel that my school experience there made up a large part of who i am; essentially, i'd like to pass along that experience to a new generation of students.

Y.M.C.A. One-on-One Mentorship sounded like a good opportunity; i've never mentored anyone per se, but i feel i've impacted a lot of lives, both positively and negatively. i would like to channel that intentionally for a change rather than haphazardly tossing my "influence" around like scattering seed.

these are the organizations i chose and would be flattered to be chosen by any at all; there's so much to learn and somany experiences to be had and i can hardly wait.

i do need to work on my punctuality though; it's so easy to be distracted by everything that's been going on in my life that it can be difficult to concentrate. this is such an opportunity and i don't want to mess it up for myself because i can't handle the most basic of personal responsibilities.
i am also turning into my mother.

begin at the beginning

2007-09-17T15:10:00.000-05:00

i am always late.
always. in the tradition of those great women in my family, faithfully carrying the torch fifteen to twenty minutes behind schedule, but ever diligent and in earnest.

the second round of interviews was a test; team-building and analytical thinking determined whether or not we were a good fit for the program. i missed the first fifteen minutes of the scheduled interview, so i had to wait for the next group. i burned the next half hour under a tree in the esperanza unida parking lot, and, at the appropriate time, headed back in for first second chance.

there were five of us there, four of which would become allies (one who would promptly quit). amber, jess, and i were able to prove our salt and thereby became part of the proud class of 2008 public allies.

the words that follow are the play-by-play documentation of my experience as a public ally.

7/11/07

i am successfully late once again, goal accomplished. we are having a matching fair to choose our partner programs. each ally has the option to choose six; mine are C.O.R.E./el centro, the guest house of milwaukee, milwaukee lgbt community center, the social development commision, the Y.M.C.A. one-on-one mentorship program, and T.A.L.C.

i chose C.O.R.E./el centro beacuse i am an advocate of the natural community, as wellas wanting to give my time assisting in the hispanic community.

guest house of milwaukee provides support for recovering addicts by providing home, hospitality, and opportunity. i wanted to do this because it would give me the chance to help men like my father and former ex-boyfriend.

milwaukee lgbt community center was something i felt i could use to bond with my mom. they're doing fun things with project q; everyone's involved in it and i feel familiar with the culture.

social development commission was another choice; i am tired of living in poverty amidst the excesses of the world. i want to rise above it and bring others with me.