the denumount

6/24/08

"promise me you'll never forget me because if you thought i would i'd never leave."
-winnie the pooh, a.a. milne

this is the way it feels to nearly be finished. i am yet uncertain about my future, and wonder what kind of events will occur.

i'll call it "tying up loose ends." the act of removing my belongings from the cabinets and desk top. clearing my computer of personal information, documents, and portfolio items. taking one last good swivel in this chair. i'll look out the window for old time's sake.

veronica is quiet in a kind manner. i don't know that she is sad, or if she's just used to seeing people move along from this position. there won't be an ally at the red cross next year due to budget constraints, so she'll have to rely on volunteers.

it's strange to look into the eyes of my co-workers, some who have become friends, others that i've only begun to get to know. they seem a tinge jealous about my moving on, gazing listlessly out, and muttering words of encouragement. you'll figure it out. there's a bright future ahead. so many possibilities. i nodded, listening, hoping they were right.

as for the other allies, we've been spending so much time together with final retreat and presentations of learning, i think i'm looking forward to being part of something, but still being an individual. that's not to say i'm not pleased to have met some of the allies.

i know i'll be seeing some of them in the future as we move to shape the future of our city, and ultimately our lives. i know i'll appreciate all of this later, even if i'm still sorting it all out now.

we had a good time at final retreat. i think the reality of the end is setting in on us now. luis, jacki, meghan, jenni, fallicy and i dorve recklessly down to oconomowoc, talking about mysticism and music the whole way. luis became bored of the banter and started to drift off to sleep, pulling us off the road.

miraculously, we arrived on time, and in one piece. after being ushered into an unattractive conference room, we sat for a long time, and were punished with another public allies sponsored trip to pizza hut. i was rooming with jenni, and as we walked to the hut, everyone was going in every direction. she threw her hands up into the air and said, "this is what happens when everybody leads."

we danced the night away, some used the spa, others took advantage of cable television for one night. we were exhausted in the morning. our tsp teams had to give one final presentation on the projects, and awards were given.

the final retreat was ended by a closing circle that was incredibly moving. everyone stood with their eyes closed while selected individuals walked within the circle, essentially touching those who had touched them through the program.

touch someone who you will never forget.
touch someone who has inspired you.
touch someone who stands up for what they believe in.

these were only some of the questions, but it was hard. you almost wanted to touch everyone, but there really wasn't any time. and while you stood with your eyes closed and felt people touching you, it was hard to contain the emotions that came with it all. people cried, laughed, beamed. we went home happy, ending the final retreat with tears of happiness and relief in the parking lot.

beloved community

6/13/08

the past few days have been intense. public allies class of 2008 has been giving our presentations of learning in the middle of tornadoesque weather. might i also add that they have been amazing.

presentations of learning are a way of showcasing the skills and experiences amassed during the program. some are very heartfelt and personal, others are rigid and professional. the rest fall somewhere in between.

our pol's fell on the first and second thursday and friday of june. we've gathered together in the awkward gray-bathed conference room and watched silently (or very near silently) as one by one, our allies emptied the contents of the past ten months. some laughed, some cried, one even danced. another, one of the fellows, gave out roses to the class and staff in praise.

i have to say that hearing people's pol's was refreshing for me. if i didn't feel any connection to the class before, i am certain i am very much a part of it after. i watched my peers deliver the words conceived on the first day of core in the field, and now i feel like i really know them.

i'm glad to have experienced this outpouring of development. though it wasn't always in the same way, everyone definitely grew. the presentations also forced people to analyze the last ten months critically, in a room full of people who were there too.

an additional part of the pol is that you present to a panel of folks made up of community leaders, nonprofit workers, and p.a. alum and staff. after each presentation, the panel is given 10 minutes of questioning.

i was anxious about this part of the process. i wrote my pol in a manner that allowed me to say what met the requirements without going off on a tirade about some of the experiences i had. (i understand that we're supposed to be creating a culture of honesty, but at this point, i think my honesty would have only been damaging to the relationships i've only begun to build.) of course, panel i had was keen --stacked with a national office staff, an alum, a trainer, and a community leader. they wanted to know why i hadn't discussed more personal issues.

luckily, or ironically, there was a tornado warning right at the end of my presentation, so i was given a moment to "come up for air." i had to answer carefully, and found myself lost in my own words as i expressed truths i hadn't be aware of knowing up until that point. it was strangely liberating and terrifying all at the same time.

i'm glad i got the chance to be part of this tribe. ten months ago, we were perfect strangers. now, we stand up for our beliefs, and we stand up for each other. we're also willing to challenge each other, and demand integrity. the questions asked by my peers and panelists were thoughtful, and the comments and criticisms were honest and insightful. they helped me to find myself even as i lost myself, and remind me that i am lucky to have known it at all.



i believe in the brotherhood of all men, but i don't believe in wasting brotherhood on anyone who doesn't want to practice it with me. brotherhood is a two-way street.
-malcolm x

the other side of the table

06/09/08

after getting an email from ms shana lucas, i volunteered to do a little bit of p.a. service and help with interviews for next year's ally class. i rode on over to the uwm student union, thinking back to my first interview.

i came in, wearing the very polka-dot dress i still wear pretty frequently. in fact, the interview outfit i'm wearing now is almost identical to the one i wore sitting on the other side of the table from kate flynn and 2 allies from the class. i wasn't nervous, per say, just uncertian. i read about all the things public allies was supposed to be and what the commitments were, and it reminded me a lot of the high school i attended back in racine. community involvement, hard work, and leadership. i thought to myself i can do this.

sitting on the other side of the table today was just as strange for me. how was i going to know who would make a good fit? what if my first impression of the person wasn't a good one? what if i made a mistake? was i qualified to make this kind of decision? i sucked down some coffee, and looked across the table into the eyes of people who really seemed like they were ready to make a difference. i know that look, and so i knew what to look for.

i guess it's true that everything really does come fulll circle. i hate that phrase, but it really came into perspective for me there at those interviews. because i haven't quite "made it" yet, i've never had the opportunity to really contribute to the process of something that i felt was worthwhile. in doing this part of the program, i felt like i had a part in creating the sustaining legacy for next year's class, and quite possibly classes of the future.

into the wilderness

06/07/08
samadhi and i joined andrew, amber, kasia, and dave on a hike down the beerline trail saturday. we hiked down through gordon park and listened to tales from vince bushnell about the activities that used to happen along the trail (the railway that helped secure its name, ice skating on the river, rowing, and ski jumping)and descriptions and histories of plants, including native flower species and invasives.

the day was really great. we hiked along and watched the animals around us, felt the breeze and samadhi touched as many plants as he could. it was nice to get out and walk, to take advantage of a neighborhood resource that was quite literally, right in our back yard.

i've been trying to get more involved in the activities around the neighborhood since the beginning of our tsp project. i see the value of all these things around me, and also the opportunity to develop and maintain relationships with others. and the more i find myself interacting with the community, the easier i find it to be a part of the things that are going on.

i am especially becoming entrenched in the green aspects of my neighborhood. i have my whole yard dug up, and seeds are sprouting everywhere. all my neighbors, yound and old, of all races, stop and talk as i pull weeds or plant flowers. it's developing a life of its own while helping me to build a community.

the entire fruit is already present in the seed.
-tertullian

preview to my presentation of learning

6/3/08

as the time draws closer for our presentations of learning, i am getting a little antsy. i finished the report and powerpoint weeks ago, and now i can only wait. here is a poor quality preview of my presentation of learning slideshow. when i uploaded it, the formatting changed a bit. the real thing will be much better, and you won't have to push the buttons on your own.

i will be discussing the 3 actions for ally preparedness on thursday, june 12th from 2:15 to 2:45 at the uwm school of continuing education, located at 161 w wisconsin avenue, suite 6000.

feel free to come and show your support as i complete one of the graduation requirements for public allies. if you'd like more information, you can email me at rosyricks@gmail.com

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gift seat

6/2/08

here is a photo of me doing my disaster education thing at the bayview community center last month. the picture, taken by jim bovin, appeared in the journal sentinel this weekend.

we did the second round of gift seats on friday at the school of continuing education. i have to say it wasn't as painful as it could have been. michael sat in for us, and everyone made an effort to be kind to one another, offering insight on the way they felt the project went.

i felt some of my critiques were spot on, and some missed the mark by miles. i suppose i've learned that part of this feedback process is to determine what needs to be worked on, and what is a symptom of something else- perhaps a personal issue between the giver of the critique, and the recipient. i can take what i need and leave the rest. the feedback sessions have allowed me to see what i am truly good at, based on more than my opinion. i also have a better grasp on what i enjoy doing, and what might be left for someone else to tackle.

as the year is winding down, i find myself looking forward to the opportunities ahead. i am confident, competent, and strong. i don't know where i'm headed, but it has to be forward.

to be a good woman...

5/58/08

fame is a vapor, popularity an accident, riches take wing, and only character endures.
— horace greeley

it's been a while. i know.

i've taken a step back momentarily, in order to preserve the integrity of my intentions. rather than writing an entry and sugar-coating the facts, i decided to hold off and write after i've had a chance to reflect. since my last update, much has happened.

we had an incredible service day at devil's lake state park. we boarded the bus at 6:30 in the morning at uwm continuing ed. the drive was long, but pleasant for me. in between lines of the golden compass, i looked out the window, watching familiar landscape flash by. i am transported to the summer after high school graduation, driving wildly on the freeway to visit my boyfriend's family farm. i remember how i used to time the trip to a blues cd and the beatles' "abbey road." i always pulled into his driveway at the opening notes of her majesty... by mid-day, i found myself atop the worn-down quartzite of the baraboo range pulling garlic mustard up from the roots. the day's sun and hard work made me happy. i felt proud of my physical accomplishments... when will i be able to say "i climbed a mountain today" again?

i have come to see that i am not happy in the situation of team service project. there is no way to ensure accountability or personal integrity. there have been only a few of us working on the project the whole time, and at the last minute, a couple people decided that the work we were doing wasn't appropriate or efficient. rather than attending the meetings and providing constructive input, these folks just complained about everything at the last minute.

q :why didn't someone call them? a:because we are all adults, responsible for our own business. there is also a community email to check, and be accountable that way. there is nothing in my job description that says "call ally x and pester them about the things they said they would do"

q: why don't we do it like this? a: because we started this whole process months ago, and we had a plan and a vision. i understand you'd like to contribute, but you've been given ample opportunity and have decided to add your two cents now, after everything has been nearly finalized. be considerate of the efforts of those who were actually involved, rather than wanting to talk for the sake of hearing your own voice.

i had a blowout with one of my teammates a couple weeks ago. we had a tsp meeting supervised by one of our program managers, and it became really clear that we all detest each other. half of the team wanted to continue meetings without the people who never show up anyway, but i thought that was a bit shady. there was complaining, and some folks still had no idea what was happening in the project.

after criticizing the project they had no part in, i told one of the team mates that things were set the way they were with certain aspects of the project because one or two people were wholly responsible for the research and implementation due to lack of team support. at that moment, i resigned from further activities in the tsp process, and offered all the materials i had gathered over the process. i left the meeting fuming, and got the books out of my car.

when i brought them in to give them to the team, the girl told me to get the f*ck out of her face, and walked into the program manager's office, telling the team she was going to punch me in the face. i walked in, and told her she wouldn't do anything more than continue to complain, the way she had done since we started. then she pushed all the research out of my hands and pushed me into the hall. i was stunned, and the program manager stood there, silent. i don't know who all saw it, but no one moved. his is happening, 2 black girls in an office building, screaming at each other- one physically compromised- as quiet people stare from around cubicle corners. on top of that, no one does anything. everyone is quiet.

i felt like the majority of this program has been for nothing. we are supposed to be training for leadership, not for petty fights over responsibility. as this happened, my teammates stayed silent. i'm sure they gossipped about it over the course of time. i don't think i've built any lasting friendships within the group, primarily due to superficiality and the cliquishness of the whole thing. how can you "be real" with a room full of 30 people who have no respect for each other?

one thing has encouraged me as far as my development is concerned. i got to see was the results of our peer surveys. we took them in the beginning of the year, but for some reason, they were unavailable to us. now that we're at the second round of our assessments, we have a comparative score we can look at. looking over the scores and comments from my teammates, you'd think i was pretty awful. but looking at my pm and supervisory scores, i'd say their evaluations of me are pretty similar to mine, and a more realistic view. i work hard, and am good at what i do. i've been told that my expectations of others are too high, and that's where the problems start. but what are appropriate expectations? it's acceptable to have a standard of integrity.

all of this is only part of where my mind has been. through it, i do know some things about myself. i know that i am who i say i am. nothing more, nothing less. i have personal integrity, drive, and talent. i'm looking forward to the end of the program. while i've made a lot of great connections externally, i can't say i got so much out of my peers. i wish it could have been different for me, but the experience is what you make of it, i guess. i think that i've been more extreme than most, in terms of showing my beliefs, and that's made it hard to find common ground.

i want to be a good woman /and i want, for you to be a good man/ this is why i will be leaving/and this is why, i can’t see you no more/i will miss your heart so tender/and i will love/this love forever/ i don’t want be a bad woman/and i can’t stand to see you be a bad man/ i will miss your heart so tender/and i will love/ this love forever /and this is why i am leaving /and this is why i can’t see you no more /this is why i am lying when i say/ that i don’t love you no more/ 'cause i want (to) be a good woman/ and i want for you to be a good man