fame is a vapor, popularity an accident, riches take wing, and only character endures.
— horace greeley
it's been a while. i know.
i've taken a step back momentarily, in order to preserve the integrity of my intentions. rather than writing an entry and sugar-coating the facts, i decided to hold off and write after i've had a chance to reflect. since my last update, much has happened.
we had an incredible service day at devil's lake state park. we boarded the bus at 6:30 in the morning at uwm continuing ed. the drive was long, but pleasant for me. in between lines of the golden compass, i looked out the window, watching familiar landscape flash by. i am transported to the summer after high school graduation, driving wildly on the freeway to visit my boyfriend's family farm. i remember how i used to time the trip to a blues cd and the beatles' "abbey road." i always pulled into his driveway at the opening notes of her majesty... by mid-day, i found myself atop the worn-down quartzite of the baraboo range pulling garlic mustard up from the roots. the day's sun and hard work made me happy. i felt proud of my physical accomplishments... when will i be able to say "i climbed a mountain today" again?
i have come to see that i am not happy in the situation of team service project. there is no way to ensure accountability or personal integrity. there have been only a few of us working on the project the whole time, and at the last minute, a couple people decided that the work we were doing wasn't appropriate or efficient. rather than attending the meetings and providing constructive input, these folks just complained about everything at the last minute.
q :why didn't someone call them? a:because we are all adults, responsible for our own business. there is also a community email to check, and be accountable that way. there is nothing in my job description that says "call ally x and pester them about the things they said they would do"
q: why don't we do it like this? a: because we started this whole process months ago, and we had a plan and a vision. i understand you'd like to contribute, but you've been given ample opportunity and have decided to add your two cents now, after everything has been nearly finalized. be considerate of the efforts of those who were actually involved, rather than wanting to talk for the sake of hearing your own voice.
i had a blowout with one of my teammates a couple weeks ago. we had a tsp meeting supervised by one of our program managers, and it became really clear that we all detest each other. half of the team wanted to continue meetings without the people who never show up anyway, but i thought that was a bit shady. there was complaining, and some folks still had no idea what was happening in the project.
after criticizing the project they had no part in, i told one of the team mates that things were set the way they were with certain aspects of the project because one or two people were wholly responsible for the research and implementation due to lack of team support. at that moment, i resigned from further activities in the tsp process, and offered all the materials i had gathered over the process. i left the meeting fuming, and got the books out of my car.
when i brought them in to give them to the team, the girl told me to get the f*ck out of her face, and walked into the program manager's office, telling the team she was going to punch me in the face. i walked in, and told her she wouldn't do anything more than continue to complain, the way she had done since we started. then she pushed all the research out of my hands and pushed me into the hall. i was stunned, and the program manager stood there, silent. i don't know who all saw it, but no one moved. his is happening, 2 black girls in an office building, screaming at each other- one physically compromised- as quiet people stare from around cubicle corners. on top of that, no one does anything. everyone is quiet.
i felt like the majority of this program has been for nothing. we are supposed to be training for leadership, not for petty fights over responsibility. as this happened, my teammates stayed silent. i'm sure they gossipped about it over the course of time. i don't think i've built any lasting friendships within the group, primarily due to superficiality and the cliquishness of the whole thing. how can you "be real" with a room full of 30 people who have no respect for each other?
one thing has encouraged me as far as my development is concerned. i got to see was the results of our peer surveys. we took them in the beginning of the year, but for some reason, they were unavailable to us. now that we're at the second round of our assessments, we have a comparative score we can look at. looking over the scores and comments from my teammates, you'd think i was pretty awful. but looking at my pm and supervisory scores, i'd say their evaluations of me are pretty similar to mine, and a more realistic view. i work hard, and am good at what i do. i've been told that my expectations of others are too high, and that's where the problems start. but what are appropriate expectations? it's acceptable to have a standard of integrity.
all of this is only part of where my mind has been. through it, i do know some things about myself. i know that i am who i say i am. nothing more, nothing less. i have personal integrity, drive, and talent. i'm looking forward to the end of the program. while i've made a lot of great connections externally, i can't say i got so much out of my peers. i wish it could have been different for me, but the experience is what you make of it, i guess. i think that i've been more extreme than most, in terms of showing my beliefs, and that's made it hard to find common ground.
i want to be a good woman /and i want, for you to be a good man/ this is why i will be leaving/and this is why, i can’t see you no more/i will miss your heart so tender/and i will love/this love forever/ i don’t want be a bad woman/and i can’t stand to see you be a bad man/ i will miss your heart so tender/and i will love/ this love forever /and this is why i am leaving /and this is why i can’t see you no more /this is why i am lying when i say/ that i don’t love you no more/ 'cause i want (to) be a good woman/ and i want for you to be a good man
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