3/19/08

"when dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane."
-hermann hesse

another day beneath the wheel. yesterday i was called from work to pick up samadhi from daycare because he had diarrhea. i know, not very glamorous, but an unfortunate truth. i picked him up, and was promptly informed that he could not return to daycare the following day without a note from the doctor.

i've been feverishly ill (my temperature lingering between 100 and 102) for about 3 days, and have stayed at work for two reasons:

1. i'm too poor to go to the doctor
2. i can't miss much work as all of my personal days have essentially been used up for custody hearings.


having given it some thought, it's really pointless to have the americorps health insurance, because state insurance is infinitely better. in fact, if i worked an easy job, i'd still qualify for state health insurance, child care, and food stamps. i'd never have to work weekends, and probably not too many evenings, either.

i keep asking myself, why am i doing this? it seems like i work so hard to do good, only to be batted down by injustice. the struggle to survive in a healthy way (mentally emotionally, etc) in a world full of robots, naysayers, bastards and pharisees is taking a toll. i am ill, and it's from stress wearing down my immunity, from negativity bearing down on me. i work hard, despite the little reward. i sacrifice, i act. yet, it's as if it's never enough.

again, i find myself asking, why? but i already know the answer. sometimes, i forget things i already know. i know that good work usually goes unrewarded. honesty is expected, and dishonesty is often times overlooked. but these are not my truths. my truths are simple and natural. my truths are holistic and do no harm. my truths are unconventional in the sense that they go back beyond where we are now. my truths are ancient:

earth my body
water my blood
air my breath
and fire my spirit.
-elemental chant

i do know that in spite of the consequences, i have to do what is right. i have to give, even if nothing is coming back right now. i can only hope, not expect, that it will come eventually in some karmic retribution. i know real family and true friends are the best medicine you could ask for.a bit crunchy, yes. but it works for me a whole lot better than anti-depressants . i'm not quite sure how i'm going to make it through the rest of this term with my dignity intact, but i'll do my best regardless of the silly obstacles.

for quick and easy popping

1/10/08

yesterday was exhausting. i had 3 presentations over at lincoln street school, a meeting and pre-meeting with an ally. i got back to the office and was wiped, but found a particularly funny note:


rosy,
please clean the burnt popcorn smell out of the microwave.
look.


a couple days ago, just before it was quitting time, i ventured out of my office and into the red cross kitchen, bag of popcorn in hand. i cannot recall the last time i tried to make a microwave "meal" (popcorn with extra butter being a popular choice among the office-lady type...)

so, i read the instructions, which inform me:

1. REMOVE OVERWRAP. place bag, unfolded, in center of microwave oven. be sure THIS SIDE IS UP! (easy enough, right?)

2. POP! set microwave on HIGH and set overn timer for 4 minutes (the actual cooking time will be between 1-1/4 and 4 minutes). push START. listen carefully! when popping slows to 2-3 seconds between pops, turn oven off. DO NOT LEAVE MICROWAVE UNATTENDED... overcooking may result in scorching. (this is where the problems began.)


at first i was doing really well. i set the microwave to 3 minutes, figuring four minutes would be unreasonable. turns out, 3 minutes was also unreasonable. i got all the way to the part where it says "do not leave microwave unnattended." uh-oh.

what had happened was, i got an important telephone call, which lured me back to my desk, but only for a moment! ok, thirty seconds. anyhow. i suddenly saw thick smoke rolling out into the office. i ran into the kitchen to see the microwave coughing out a brown cloud of doom.

it smelled awful. the whole interior was coated with burnt artificial butter. the poor microwave was a wreck, and people began to stick their heads out of the cubicles and perimeter offices. luckily, people had begun to go home. i was so worried the smoke detector was going to go off.


but seriously... a note?


addressing more ally-related business, i had a really nice time yesterday at the lincoln avenue elementary school. there are several other americorps members there, and they were all really nice and willing to talk. apparently, it's a good program for them, but structured differently than ours.

i especially like visiting the bilingual classrooms. it seems like immigration issues in general function as a sort of microcosm of what public allies is supposed to be. the children are amazing, function actively in trying situations, often times shouldering the burden of translating for their parents; being ridiculed for their cultural differences yet preserving them while assimilating into american culture.

i feel like i'm starting to get the hang of this thing, the presentations and the red tape and the procedures. i'm learning the ins and outs, and at the same time, reflecting on my personal development. i am working hard to make the best of this experience.

a few days ago, i had a presentation at the veteran's hospital. i arrived a little early, so i sat down with a couple of the employees. we had a good time, talking about regular life things. this isn't something i'm usually interested in.

before p.a, i would have busied myself with some other activity, dismissing these women as the ordinary work-a-day sort. they couldn't possibly have anything in common with young, wonderful, artistic me.... but lately i'm realizing that everyone is the ordinary work-a-day sort. we are struggling for the same things, want to live our lives the best we can. everyone has something to offer, it's up to me to open myself up to receive it.

aww. i feel all warm inside.

opening ceremony

10/19/07

it's opening ceremony today. i got up at 5:30 to get to oshkosh at 9? we, of course, were late. it's beyond me that the standard expectations of the programs aren't extended to all members. i'm going to leave that as vague as it is, but i'd appreciate it if everyone respected the constitution.

we didn't leave esperanza unida until 7:30. i recall there being a specific mention that we were leaving at 6:45. we arrived at 9:00, the event began at 8:00 with a breakfast and interaction. we missed the opportunity to introduce ourselves. once again, we are dishevelled public allies. we are rude, loud and late. we spilled into the auditorium bleachers. a poor speaker delivered a read speech on behalf of senator kohl. utterly disengaging.

we said the americorps pledge as a group and each participatory organization was introduced. what can i say? public allies represents.

bob pedersen of goodwill spoke to us. easily he was the most charismatic fellow they'd got. he covered just about every situation and colored each one with stories of hope and inspiration.


on the bus on the way here, jessica, mike and i were having a conversation about this crackhead called "knowledge." mike said he had gotten his hair cut by someone named knowledge; i asked if he meant the crackhead. that led us into a discussion on what knowledge, knowledge had. mike said, "underneath all that crack is a person." it was a really interesting discussion, a change of perspective for those of us who have parents in the same situation as knowledge. are we seeing the person, or are we seeing the problem?

being here at this conference is making me wonder if we aren't the cocky ones of the whole organization. we are the program that is groomed for leadership, yet we can't accomplish the simple tasks of timeliness and responsibility?


the other workers seem very humble, a quietness about them sets us apart. it's not to say we won't do good things, but i wish we could start doing this good and spending less time with this distracting waste.

over all, i'd say this wasn't very efficient, that we'd have been fine at a local non-profit office workshopping. there was a lot of being talked at, as opposed to being talked to. most of our time was spent at lunch... which we should have together more often, during our meetings perhaps.



however, i will say, as rambunctious and rowdy as our class is, we certainly can have a good time. everyone is their own distinct person, each a facet in the gem of this experience. so, perhaps today wasn't wasted. perhaps we could have done something else, but perhaps we did.

as for the americorps members, we didn't really get to meet anyone. we missed the first wave of networking potential, and we stood out. we also left early. was this what that the experience was meant to be? of course not. i want to get more out of these experiences than a free meal.