i have experienced sliding into the depths of powerlessness

4/16/08

this morning i was on my way back from a great presentation at the clinton rose senior center on mlk drive and burleigh. i was in high spirits, as the directors informed me that they were especially pleased that i had been there, and that i would be missed at the end of my term.

naturally, i began re-evaluating whether i was having an impact on anyone in my work. driving down locust street on the way to 27th, back to the red cross office, i rolled down all of the windows to take in the air of goodness in the world. i continued to ponder my worth, leaning more toward extraordinarily significant and profoundly influential than under-appreciated martyr, when suddenly there was a disturbance in my thoughts.

stopped at a red light, i glanced around to see where i was. outside my window, on the corner of 23rd and locust, there were several men circled up outside a corner store. ordinarily, this wouldn't disconcert me. in this instance, 3 young men were advancing violently toward an older one. a punch was thrown, the older man stumbled back.

"get off 23rd street," one of the young men repeated. he looked angry and intimidating as he swung. "you heard me, nigga, get off 23rd street." he and the others continued to move forward, pushing the man down locust street. "i'm off 23rd street," was all he responded as they continued to advance and attack him.

most of the other drivers around me pretended not to see it, looking forward with hands clenched around steering wheels. i stared, mouth agape. what am i supposed to do? i thought to myself. what can i do? i thought to honk my horn, or maybe get out and say something. i thought it, but realized i would do no such thing. i immediately thought of samadhi, and what might happen if i ended up stinking my nose in. i wasn't sure of what the situation really was, but i felt like i needed to do something. yet i didn't; i was actually afraid of being hurt.

i saw these men committing violence in broad daylight, in front of a bus of school children, and felt there was nothing i could do. i saw the fear in the man's eyes. i wanted to tell him to get into the car, i don't know what stopped me. or perhaps i do know exactly the thing, but don't want to admit it to myself. i wanted to scream, express disapproval. i wanted the sky to open up and rain justice. i wanted peace, respect.

and i stared, doing nothing. when the light changed, i continued to stare, until the cars behind me began to honk.

i'm not sure where to put these feelings. i am really disappointed in myself, and am wondering what could have been done differently. what were the consequences of me not taking action? what might have happened had i done something? these are questions without answers, and something i'm going to have to think about for a while.

the art of preparedness

1/30/08

it's been a few days, but we're home from mid-year. i must say, it really was intense. at first, i wasn't sure how i felt about it, but after stewing in the idea of it for a while, it's safe for me to say i may very well have gotten much more out of it than i'd anticipated.

i also realized this morning how much i've gotten out of my placement, and public allies in general. it's bitter cold this morning, has been for the last couple days. the temperature is about 5 below, but with the windchill, the newsfolk said it felt like 20 below.

waiting at the bus stop (i have to take two buses to get to work) i thought about how cold it was. but i wasn't cold, because i was prepared. i looked at the guy next to me who, while dressed in the latest fashion, was certainly shivering. he must be cold, i thought to myself. why is he just wearing that little jacket? didn't anybody tell him how to get dressed for cold weather?

then it dawned on me. it's my job to tell people these kinds of things. as trivial as it may initially seem, disaster preparedness can save lives. i talked to a group of seniors at washington park senior center yesterday about fire safety. i'm always reluctant to begin when it comes to seniors, because i feel like i can't tell them anything that they don't already know. this time though, i had a really great time. rather than standing in front of them, i kind of went through the material, then had them talk about their experiences. it was a blast. we joked and had a good time, and the seniors reassured each other. we always tell seniors and people with special needs to have a network to check on them; in a lot of cases, people don't have families. as we were sitting there, they started to volunteer to call one another. it was really amazing.

in a similar vein, my supervisor veronica did a presentation and interview for fox 6 on cold weather preparedness, which we lovingly refer to as "baby, it's cold outside!" it's cut in with some footage of the clothing center (or closet) of repairers of the breach homeless resource center. the clip shows veronica giving a presentation to fellow red cross workers and also gives information about preparedness in general. it's exciting to see what we do really showcased for people, and if you are interested in what i do here at the red cross, i invite you to take a look.
if you'd like to check it out, here's the link.

now, i'd like to go back to the public allies and mid-year experience. i saw some things that really surprised me, heard some things that really made me see people differently. still, i wouldn't have considered myself truly moved until i basically got called out in front of everyone. one of my allies addressed the fact that i can be a bit bossy if not outright controlling. she told me (and, consequently, the group) that it was really interfering with her ability to interact with me even on a surface level.

a few months ago, i probably would have turned to her and said, you know, i really don't care how you feel about me, because that's just who i am. i would have gone on to criticize not only her, but every member of the class for not taking charge more often. now, i know that's not who i am, though sometimes in the shuffling madness of the everyday, i forget that. i do overstep sometimes, and sometimes that's ok; it's not always for me to be in control. controlling is not the same as leading.

i'm really glad she called me out. i'm glad she had the courage to say to me what i needed to hear, rather than whispering it to someone else. after all, aren't we supposed to be taking risks? i think that truly expressing yourself is a great risk many of us are unwilling to take.

it's wild to sit back and really reflect on things and have the eureka moment. i spend so much time anticipating the great change and bringing expectations everywhere that i hardly notice the subtle moment that everything shifts. the transition is seamless. i like knowing that there is room for improvement. it gives me great hope for myself.


you do not lead by hitting people over the head; that's assault, not leadership.
-dwight d. eisenhower