i have experienced sliding into the depths of powerlessness

4/16/08

this morning i was on my way back from a great presentation at the clinton rose senior center on mlk drive and burleigh. i was in high spirits, as the directors informed me that they were especially pleased that i had been there, and that i would be missed at the end of my term.

naturally, i began re-evaluating whether i was having an impact on anyone in my work. driving down locust street on the way to 27th, back to the red cross office, i rolled down all of the windows to take in the air of goodness in the world. i continued to ponder my worth, leaning more toward extraordinarily significant and profoundly influential than under-appreciated martyr, when suddenly there was a disturbance in my thoughts.

stopped at a red light, i glanced around to see where i was. outside my window, on the corner of 23rd and locust, there were several men circled up outside a corner store. ordinarily, this wouldn't disconcert me. in this instance, 3 young men were advancing violently toward an older one. a punch was thrown, the older man stumbled back.

"get off 23rd street," one of the young men repeated. he looked angry and intimidating as he swung. "you heard me, nigga, get off 23rd street." he and the others continued to move forward, pushing the man down locust street. "i'm off 23rd street," was all he responded as they continued to advance and attack him.

most of the other drivers around me pretended not to see it, looking forward with hands clenched around steering wheels. i stared, mouth agape. what am i supposed to do? i thought to myself. what can i do? i thought to honk my horn, or maybe get out and say something. i thought it, but realized i would do no such thing. i immediately thought of samadhi, and what might happen if i ended up stinking my nose in. i wasn't sure of what the situation really was, but i felt like i needed to do something. yet i didn't; i was actually afraid of being hurt.

i saw these men committing violence in broad daylight, in front of a bus of school children, and felt there was nothing i could do. i saw the fear in the man's eyes. i wanted to tell him to get into the car, i don't know what stopped me. or perhaps i do know exactly the thing, but don't want to admit it to myself. i wanted to scream, express disapproval. i wanted the sky to open up and rain justice. i wanted peace, respect.

and i stared, doing nothing. when the light changed, i continued to stare, until the cars behind me began to honk.

i'm not sure where to put these feelings. i am really disappointed in myself, and am wondering what could have been done differently. what were the consequences of me not taking action? what might have happened had i done something? these are questions without answers, and something i'm going to have to think about for a while.

what am i doing here?

8/21/07

ally check-in. everyone seems to be happy with their placement; those without one seem a bit down-trodden. it's good to see everyone, the morning is lovely. i feel like i did an awful job with check ins; everyone else has these optimistic and informative statements about their post.

we all have so much do to! it seems like people are already trasforming into working types, though some are more professional/attentive than others. work, work, work. these fridays are intended to be the weekly highlight.

hearing everyone, i know we can all offer one another a ton of help if need be. that's reassuring, because as the experience unfolds, i realize i have absolutely no idea of what i'm doing. ever in life.

we as a society take everything for granted. all this talk about what we have in the city makes me see that milwaukee might not be so bad.

bonnie andrews of the volunteer center is giving us info on volunteering and time managment*. she averages (national v.s. city) why people volunteer, how to relate as professionals to your volunteers, and putting recruitment plans into action with a plug-in excercize.

it's hard to get things done in large groups. everyone is talking along the sides; i can only imagine how the speaker must feel. i also see james getting upset. i understand his frustration, as he has to deal with all of our information (beaurocratic and otherwise) and then attempt to facilitate here. noone is being attentive.

i thought i would look forward to these sessions. by the end of the first half, i can already see this is going to be difficult for me. it tries my patience when people don't understand that we are all adults in a situation which requires self-control and respect. why can't everyone behave as such?

there has been a huge lack of respect for speakers and each other in general. i'm not sure where i can fit into all of this. what are others thinging in relation to the program?

i understand people want to have fun with their new friends and all, but there is a time and place for all that. friday training sessions are not that place. i want to absorb this information; it is relevant to our positions as well as applicable to our lives. it's as if i'm one of few foolishly taking things seriously.

i'll need to figure something out, right now i feel like the official group bitch. this is pushing me, i understand i'm not perfect. maybe i'm taking it to personally? i am seriously questioning whether this is the place for me.

attempting to establish a constitution of sorts. it isn't going well. just venting. granted, this establishes som solid ground, but we're only covering means of basic communication. see: RESPECT.

i am noticing people who are usually reserved speaking out, only to be met with attacks and being spoken over.i'm not angry anymore. sheila pulled me aside and offered some words of wisdom, got into my head. she, and people like her, are uplifting. they are the ones who feel like allies in the true sense.

*with a quote from a reputable KKK member, as later pointed out by kate.