we're here at mid-year retreat, at bjorklunden in sister bay. the middle of nowhere, the snow reflects the blinding light of the sun into the rows of trees and eventually out into the bay.
we have been sitting in circles.
we talk about things that are bothering us.
we talk about things that make us happy.
we are building a community as per the prescribed method.
pseudo-community.
chaos.
emptying.
community.
this is where our journey is "taking" us.
there is a concept here we are to practice, where the group sits in silence with no direction, only speaking "when moved to do so." at first everyone, was speaking as usual. back and forth, almost in a stabbing motion. there was anger. then people started to cry. more people decided that was what felt good, and so they spoke and cried too.
i wasn't really sure how to feel at that. perhaps, i was in fact moved to speak, but not to everyone in the group. simply, i am not there yet. i am in this spot where all i want is to develop the established relationships, to understand what is going on around me before i introduce more complications into this.
many of the allies admitted that their lives aren't as sunny as they paint them to be. the facades they wear to trainings are their "masks," it's easy to hide things so people think things are fine.
personally, i am not sure if it such a problem to keep things to oneself. often times, it's overwhelming to share with people, because all they want to do is offer advice (i too am guilty of this). right now, i cannot take any more advice. i want to be able to sort through my problems in an effective manner and make conscious decisions that allow for me to grow. (ironically, i keep a public blog, making this entire post reek of hipocracy.)
all too often lately, i find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place, one where i am finally able to ask for help, only to have the person(s) helping me lord it over me until i wish i'd simply struggled my own way through it. it takes so much to overcome the pride to ask, and once i finally do, i only wish i hadn't.
i cannot take much more of anything.
am i meeting my own expectation? i hardly have time to ask myself that, i'm too busy filling the role of who i need to be for everyone else. i am building the portfolio for success, only, the more i come to fill it, the emptier i feel personally.
i am tired of constantly being asked to talk. important things are beyond words to me right now, or at least any that wouldn't drive people away altogether. i am not sure where to take the terrible things, and so it seems i have filled up on them, and have no room for the good, leaving me ultimately empty again.what's really fucked up, pardon my french, is that all of this is circumstantial. i am not an unhappy person. i am not bitter. i feel like everyone has caught me in a bad moment.
one of the allies mentioned something about becoming a person they didn't want to become. that happens sometimes. who is at fault? is it circumstance? is it the individual? are we a bi-product, or do we have real control over our destinies?
this is not who i am.
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