6/24/08
"promise me you'll never forget me because if you thought i would i'd never leave."
-winnie the pooh, a.a. milne
this is the way it feels to nearly be finished. i am yet uncertain about my future, and wonder what kind of events will occur.
i'll call it "tying up loose ends." the act of removing my belongings from the cabinets and desk top. clearing my computer of personal information, documents, and portfolio items. taking one last good swivel in this chair. i'll look out the window for old time's sake.
veronica is quiet in a kind manner. i don't know that she is sad, or if she's just used to seeing people move along from this position. there won't be an ally at the red cross next year due to budget constraints, so she'll have to rely on volunteers.
it's strange to look into the eyes of my co-workers, some who have become friends, others that i've only begun to get to know. they seem a tinge jealous about my moving on, gazing listlessly out, and muttering words of encouragement. you'll figure it out. there's a bright future ahead. so many possibilities. i nodded, listening, hoping they were right.
as for the other allies, we've been spending so much time together with final retreat and presentations of learning, i think i'm looking forward to being part of something, but still being an individual. that's not to say i'm not pleased to have met some of the allies.
i know i'll be seeing some of them in the future as we move to shape the future of our city, and ultimately our lives. i know i'll appreciate all of this later, even if i'm still sorting it all out now.
we had a good time at final retreat. i think the reality of the end is setting in on us now. luis, jacki, meghan, jenni, fallicy and i dorve recklessly down to oconomowoc, talking about mysticism and music the whole way. luis became bored of the banter and started to drift off to sleep, pulling us off the road.
miraculously, we arrived on time, and in one piece. after being ushered into an unattractive conference room, we sat for a long time, and were punished with another public allies sponsored trip to pizza hut. i was rooming with jenni, and as we walked to the hut, everyone was going in every direction. she threw her hands up into the air and said, "this is what happens when everybody leads."
we danced the night away, some used the spa, others took advantage of cable television for one night. we were exhausted in the morning. our tsp teams had to give one final presentation on the projects, and awards were given.
the final retreat was ended by a closing circle that was incredibly moving. everyone stood with their eyes closed while selected individuals walked within the circle, essentially touching those who had touched them through the program.
touch someone who you will never forget.
touch someone who has inspired you.
touch someone who stands up for what they believe in.
these were only some of the questions, but it was hard. you almost wanted to touch everyone, but there really wasn't any time. and while you stood with your eyes closed and felt people touching you, it was hard to contain the emotions that came with it all. people cried, laughed, beamed. we went home happy, ending the final retreat with tears of happiness and relief in the parking lot.
Tuesday
Monday
beloved community
6/13/08
the past few days have been intense. public allies class of 2008 has been giving our presentations of learning in the middle of tornadoesque weather. might i also add that they have been amazing.
presentations of learning are a way of showcasing the skills and experiences amassed during the program. some are very heartfelt and personal, others are rigid and professional. the rest fall somewhere in between.
our pol's fell on the first and second thursday and friday of june. we've gathered together in the awkward gray-bathed conference room and watched silently (or very near silently) as one by one, our allies emptied the contents of the past ten months. some laughed, some cried, one even danced. another, one of the fellows, gave out roses to the class and staff in praise.
i have to say that hearing people's pol's was refreshing for me. if i didn't feel any connection to the class before, i am certain i am very much a part of it after. i watched my peers deliver the words conceived on the first day of core in the field, and now i feel like i really know them.
i'm glad to have experienced this outpouring of development. though it wasn't always in the same way, everyone definitely grew. the presentations also forced people to analyze the last ten months critically, in a room full of people who were there too.
an additional part of the pol is that you present to a panel of folks made up of community leaders, nonprofit workers, and p.a. alum and staff. after each presentation, the panel is given 10 minutes of questioning.
i was anxious about this part of the process. i wrote my pol in a manner that allowed me to say what met the requirements without going off on a tirade about some of the experiences i had. (i understand that we're supposed to be creating a culture of honesty, but at this point, i think my honesty would have only been damaging to the relationships i've only begun to build.) of course, panel i had was keen --stacked with a national office staff, an alum, a trainer, and a community leader. they wanted to know why i hadn't discussed more personal issues.
luckily, or ironically, there was a tornado warning right at the end of my presentation, so i was given a moment to "come up for air." i had to answer carefully, and found myself lost in my own words as i expressed truths i hadn't be aware of knowing up until that point. it was strangely liberating and terrifying all at the same time.
i'm glad i got the chance to be part of this tribe. ten months ago, we were perfect strangers. now, we stand up for our beliefs, and we stand up for each other. we're also willing to challenge each other, and demand integrity. the questions asked by my peers and panelists were thoughtful, and the comments and criticisms were honest and insightful. they helped me to find myself even as i lost myself, and remind me that i am lucky to have known it at all.
i believe in the brotherhood of all men, but i don't believe in wasting brotherhood on anyone who doesn't want to practice it with me. brotherhood is a two-way street.
-malcolm x
the past few days have been intense. public allies class of 2008 has been giving our presentations of learning in the middle of tornadoesque weather. might i also add that they have been amazing.
presentations of learning are a way of showcasing the skills and experiences amassed during the program. some are very heartfelt and personal, others are rigid and professional. the rest fall somewhere in between.
our pol's fell on the first and second thursday and friday of june. we've gathered together in the awkward gray-bathed conference room and watched silently (or very near silently) as one by one, our allies emptied the contents of the past ten months. some laughed, some cried, one even danced. another, one of the fellows, gave out roses to the class and staff in praise.
i have to say that hearing people's pol's was refreshing for me. if i didn't feel any connection to the class before, i am certain i am very much a part of it after. i watched my peers deliver the words conceived on the first day of core in the field, and now i feel like i really know them.
i'm glad to have experienced this outpouring of development. though it wasn't always in the same way, everyone definitely grew. the presentations also forced people to analyze the last ten months critically, in a room full of people who were there too.
an additional part of the pol is that you present to a panel of folks made up of community leaders, nonprofit workers, and p.a. alum and staff. after each presentation, the panel is given 10 minutes of questioning.
i was anxious about this part of the process. i wrote my pol in a manner that allowed me to say what met the requirements without going off on a tirade about some of the experiences i had. (i understand that we're supposed to be creating a culture of honesty, but at this point, i think my honesty would have only been damaging to the relationships i've only begun to build.) of course, panel i had was keen --stacked with a national office staff, an alum, a trainer, and a community leader. they wanted to know why i hadn't discussed more personal issues.
luckily, or ironically, there was a tornado warning right at the end of my presentation, so i was given a moment to "come up for air." i had to answer carefully, and found myself lost in my own words as i expressed truths i hadn't be aware of knowing up until that point. it was strangely liberating and terrifying all at the same time.
i'm glad i got the chance to be part of this tribe. ten months ago, we were perfect strangers. now, we stand up for our beliefs, and we stand up for each other. we're also willing to challenge each other, and demand integrity. the questions asked by my peers and panelists were thoughtful, and the comments and criticisms were honest and insightful. they helped me to find myself even as i lost myself, and remind me that i am lucky to have known it at all.
i believe in the brotherhood of all men, but i don't believe in wasting brotherhood on anyone who doesn't want to practice it with me. brotherhood is a two-way street.
-malcolm x
the other side of the table
06/09/08
after getting an email from ms shana lucas, i volunteered to do a little bit of p.a. service and help with interviews for next year's ally class. i rode on over to the uwm student union, thinking back to my first interview.
i came in, wearing the very polka-dot dress i still wear pretty frequently. in fact, the interview outfit i'm wearing now is almost identical to the one i wore sitting on the other side of the table from kate flynn and 2 allies from the class. i wasn't nervous, per say, just uncertian. i read about all the things public allies was supposed to be and what the commitments were, and it reminded me a lot of the high school i attended back in racine. community involvement, hard work, and leadership. i thought to myself i can do this.
sitting on the other side of the table today was just as strange for me. how was i going to know who would make a good fit? what if my first impression of the person wasn't a good one? what if i made a mistake? was i qualified to make this kind of decision? i sucked down some coffee, and looked across the table into the eyes of people who really seemed like they were ready to make a difference. i know that look, and so i knew what to look for.
i guess it's true that everything really does come fulll circle. i hate that phrase, but it really came into perspective for me there at those interviews. because i haven't quite "made it" yet, i've never had the opportunity to really contribute to the process of something that i felt was worthwhile. in doing this part of the program, i felt like i had a part in creating the sustaining legacy for next year's class, and quite possibly classes of the future.
after getting an email from ms shana lucas, i volunteered to do a little bit of p.a. service and help with interviews for next year's ally class. i rode on over to the uwm student union, thinking back to my first interview.
i came in, wearing the very polka-dot dress i still wear pretty frequently. in fact, the interview outfit i'm wearing now is almost identical to the one i wore sitting on the other side of the table from kate flynn and 2 allies from the class. i wasn't nervous, per say, just uncertian. i read about all the things public allies was supposed to be and what the commitments were, and it reminded me a lot of the high school i attended back in racine. community involvement, hard work, and leadership. i thought to myself i can do this.
sitting on the other side of the table today was just as strange for me. how was i going to know who would make a good fit? what if my first impression of the person wasn't a good one? what if i made a mistake? was i qualified to make this kind of decision? i sucked down some coffee, and looked across the table into the eyes of people who really seemed like they were ready to make a difference. i know that look, and so i knew what to look for.
i guess it's true that everything really does come fulll circle. i hate that phrase, but it really came into perspective for me there at those interviews. because i haven't quite "made it" yet, i've never had the opportunity to really contribute to the process of something that i felt was worthwhile. in doing this part of the program, i felt like i had a part in creating the sustaining legacy for next year's class, and quite possibly classes of the future.
into the wilderness
06/07/08
samadhi and i joined andrew, amber, kasia, and dave on a hike down the beerline trail saturday. we hiked down through gordon park and listened to tales from vince bushnell about the activities that used to happen along the trail (the railway that helped secure its name, ice skating on the river, rowing, and ski jumping)and descriptions and histories of plants, including native flower species and invasives.
the day was really great. we hiked along and watched the animals around us, felt the breeze and samadhi touched as many plants as he could. it was nice to get out and walk, to take advantage of a neighborhood resource that was quite literally, right in our back yard.
i've been trying to get more involved in the activities around the neighborhood since the beginning of our tsp project. i see the value of all these things around me, and also the opportunity to develop and maintain relationships with others. and the more i find myself interacting with the community, the easier i find it to be a part of the things that are going on.
i am especially becoming entrenched in the green aspects of my neighborhood. i have my whole yard dug up, and seeds are sprouting everywhere. all my neighbors, yound and old, of all races, stop and talk as i pull weeds or plant flowers. it's developing a life of its own while helping me to build a community.
the entire fruit is already present in the seed.
-tertullian
samadhi and i joined andrew, amber, kasia, and dave on a hike down the beerline trail saturday. we hiked down through gordon park and listened to tales from vince bushnell about the activities that used to happen along the trail (the railway that helped secure its name, ice skating on the river, rowing, and ski jumping)and descriptions and histories of plants, including native flower species and invasives.the day was really great. we hiked along and watched the animals around us, felt the breeze and samadhi touched as many plants as he could. it was nice to get out and walk, to take advantage of a neighborhood resource that was quite literally, right in our back yard.
i've been trying to get more involved in the activities around the neighborhood since the beginning of our tsp project. i see the value of all these things around me, and also the opportunity to develop and maintain relationships with others. and the more i find myself interacting with the community, the easier i find it to be a part of the things that are going on.
i am especially becoming entrenched in the green aspects of my neighborhood. i have my whole yard dug up, and seeds are sprouting everywhere. all my neighbors, yound and old, of all races, stop and talk as i pull weeds or plant flowers. it's developing a life of its own while helping me to build a community.
the entire fruit is already present in the seed.
-tertullian
Tuesday
preview to my presentation of learning
6/3/08
as the time draws closer for our presentations of learning, i am getting a little antsy. i finished the report and powerpoint weeks ago, and now i can only wait. here is a poor quality preview of my presentation of learning slideshow. when i uploaded it, the formatting changed a bit. the real thing will be much better, and you won't have to push the buttons on your own.
i will be discussing the 3 actions for ally preparedness on thursday, june 12th from 2:15 to 2:45 at the uwm school of continuing education, located at 161 w wisconsin avenue, suite 6000.
feel free to come and show your support as i complete one of the graduation requirements for public allies. if you'd like more information, you can email me at rosyricks@gmail.com
as the time draws closer for our presentations of learning, i am getting a little antsy. i finished the report and powerpoint weeks ago, and now i can only wait. here is a poor quality preview of my presentation of learning slideshow. when i uploaded it, the formatting changed a bit. the real thing will be much better, and you won't have to push the buttons on your own.
i will be discussing the 3 actions for ally preparedness on thursday, june 12th from 2:15 to 2:45 at the uwm school of continuing education, located at 161 w wisconsin avenue, suite 6000.
feel free to come and show your support as i complete one of the graduation requirements for public allies. if you'd like more information, you can email me at rosyricks@gmail.com
Monday
gift seat
6/2/08here is a photo of me doing my disaster education thing at the bayview community center last month. the picture, taken by jim bovin, appeared in the journal sentinel this weekend.
we did the second round of gift seats on friday at the school of continuing education. i have to say it wasn't as painful as it could have been. michael sat in for us, and everyone made an effort to be kind to one another, offering insight on the way they felt the project went.
i felt some of my critiques were spot on, and some missed the mark by miles. i suppose i've learned that part of this feedback process is to determine what needs to be worked on, and what is a symptom of something else- perhaps a personal issue between the giver of the critique, and the recipient. i can take what i need and leave the rest. the feedback sessions have allowed me to see what i am truly good at, based on more than my opinion. i also have a better grasp on what i enjoy doing, and what might be left for someone else to tackle.
as the year is winding down, i find myself looking forward to the opportunities ahead. i am confident, competent, and strong. i don't know where i'm headed, but it has to be forward.
Wednesday
to be a good woman...
5/58/08
fame is a vapor, popularity an accident, riches take wing, and only character endures.
— horace greeley
it's been a while. i know.
i've taken a step back momentarily, in order to preserve the integrity of my intentions. rather than writing an entry and sugar-coating the facts, i decided to hold off and write after i've had a chance to reflect. since my last update, much has happened.
we had an incredible service day at devil's lake state park. we boarded the bus at 6:30 in the morning at uwm continuing ed. the drive was long, but pleasant for me. in between lines of the golden compass, i looked out the window, watching familiar landscape flash by. i am transported to the summer after high school graduation, driving wildly on the freeway to visit my boyfriend's family farm. i remember how i used to time the trip to a blues cd and the beatles' "abbey road." i always pulled into his driveway at the opening notes of her majesty... by mid-day, i found myself atop the worn-down quartzite of the baraboo range pulling garlic mustard up from the roots. the day's sun and hard work made me happy. i felt proud of my physical accomplishments... when will i be able to say "i climbed a mountain today" again?
fame is a vapor, popularity an accident, riches take wing, and only character endures.
— horace greeley
it's been a while. i know.
i've taken a step back momentarily, in order to preserve the integrity of my intentions. rather than writing an entry and sugar-coating the facts, i decided to hold off and write after i've had a chance to reflect. since my last update, much has happened.
we had an incredible service day at devil's lake state park. we boarded the bus at 6:30 in the morning at uwm continuing ed. the drive was long, but pleasant for me. in between lines of the golden compass, i looked out the window, watching familiar landscape flash by. i am transported to the summer after high school graduation, driving wildly on the freeway to visit my boyfriend's family farm. i remember how i used to time the trip to a blues cd and the beatles' "abbey road." i always pulled into his driveway at the opening notes of her majesty... by mid-day, i found myself atop the worn-down quartzite of the baraboo range pulling garlic mustard up from the roots. the day's sun and hard work made me happy. i felt proud of my physical accomplishments... when will i be able to say "i climbed a mountain today" again?
i have come to see that i am not happy in the situation of team service project. there is no way to ensure accountability or personal integrity. there have been only a few of us working on the project the whole time, and at the last minute, a couple people decided that the work we were doing wasn't appropriate or efficient. rather than attending the meetings and providing constructive input, these folks just complained about everything at the last minute.
q :why didn't someone call them? a:because we are all adults, responsible for our own business. there is also a community email to check, and be accountable that way. there is nothing in my job description that says "call ally x and pester them about the things they said they would do"
q: why don't we do it like this? a: because we started this whole process months ago, and we had a plan and a vision. i understand you'd like to contribute, but you've been given ample opportunity and have decided to add your two cents now, after everything has been nearly finalized. be considerate of the efforts of those who were actually involved, rather than wanting to talk for the sake of hearing your own voice.
i had a blowout with one of my teammates a couple weeks ago. we had a tsp meeting supervised by one of our program managers, and it became really clear that we all detest each other. half of the team wanted to continue meetings without the people who never show up anyway, but i thought that was a bit shady. there was complaining, and some folks still had no idea what was happening in the project.
after criticizing the project they had no part in, i told one of the team mates that things were set the way they were with certain aspects of the project because one or two people were wholly responsible for the research and implementation due to lack of team support. at that moment, i resigned from further activities in the tsp process, and offered all the materials i had gathered over the process. i left the meeting fuming, and got the books out of my car.
when i brought them in to give them to the team, the girl told me to get the f*ck out of her face, and walked into the program manager's office, telling the team she was going to punch me in the face. i walked in, and told her she wouldn't do anything more than continue to complain, the way she had done since we started. then she pushed all the research out of my hands and pushed me into the hall. i was stunned, and the program manager stood there, silent. i don't know who all saw it, but no one moved. his is happening, 2 black girls in an office building, screaming at each other- one physically compromised- as quiet people stare from around cubicle corners. on top of that, no one does anything. everyone is quiet.
i felt like the majority of this program has been for nothing. we are supposed to be training for leadership, not for petty fights over responsibility. as this happened, my teammates stayed silent. i'm sure they gossipped about it over the course of time. i don't think i've built any lasting friendships within the group, primarily due to superficiality and the cliquishness of the whole thing. how can you "be real" with a room full of 30 people who have no respect for each other?
one thing has encouraged me as far as my development is concerned. i got to see was the results of our peer surveys. we took them in the beginning of the year, but for some reason, they were unavailable to us. now that we're at the second round of our assessments, we have a comparative score we can look at. looking over the scores and comments from my teammates, you'd think i was pretty awful. but looking at my pm and supervisory scores, i'd say their evaluations of me are pretty similar to mine, and a more realistic view. i work hard, and am good at what i do. i've been told that my expectations of others are too high, and that's where the problems start. but what are appropriate expectations? it's acceptable to have a standard of integrity.
all of this is only part of where my mind has been. through it, i do know some things about myself. i know that i am who i say i am. nothing more, nothing less. i have personal integrity, drive, and talent. i'm looking forward to the end of the program. while i've made a lot of great connections externally, i can't say i got so much out of my peers. i wish it could have been different for me, but the experience is what you make of it, i guess. i think that i've been more extreme than most, in terms of showing my beliefs, and that's made it hard to find common ground.
i want to be a good woman /and i want, for you to be a good man/ this is why i will be leaving/and this is why, i can’t see you no more/i will miss your heart so tender/and i will love/this love forever/ i don’t want be a bad woman/and i can’t stand to see you be a bad man/ i will miss your heart so tender/and i will love/ this love forever /and this is why i am leaving /and this is why i can’t see you no more /this is why i am lying when i say/ that i don’t love you no more/ 'cause i want (to) be a good woman/ and i want for you to be a good man
Thursday
5/08/08
it's almost finished. i am so close to being finished.
this last stretch of public allies feels so much like the very end of my senior year of high school. the end is so close, i can almost taste it. the air is warming against my skin. the world is moving around me, and i am beginning to feel that i am contributing to that movement.
each day passes, i wax and wane. there are times i feel i've made a difference, and other times i wish i had done more. looking back on it now, i'm sure there are things i have yet to grasp. but i'm certain i have not missed everything. this seems so cryptic, but the whole of the past 8 months is hard to explain. i've been disgusted, down, elated, ecstatic, confused, empowered, pissed... all this, more even. the way the year has gone is exhausting.
our tsp is starting to pull itself from the mud, taking shape after hours of hard work and frustration. i'm looking forward to see what it will look like. i'm trying to take a more positive approach, more realistic i suppose. after all, i can only change what i am, and what i produce.
this is also the first time that i will not have a job lined up. scary prospect, considering it's not just me i have to worry about-- and everything is so expensive now. food, energy, rent, life. who can afford to stay alive these days.
i suppose it's post-ally jitters. i've made it this far. i'll make it further.
it's almost finished. i am so close to being finished.
this last stretch of public allies feels so much like the very end of my senior year of high school. the end is so close, i can almost taste it. the air is warming against my skin. the world is moving around me, and i am beginning to feel that i am contributing to that movement.
each day passes, i wax and wane. there are times i feel i've made a difference, and other times i wish i had done more. looking back on it now, i'm sure there are things i have yet to grasp. but i'm certain i have not missed everything. this seems so cryptic, but the whole of the past 8 months is hard to explain. i've been disgusted, down, elated, ecstatic, confused, empowered, pissed... all this, more even. the way the year has gone is exhausting.
our tsp is starting to pull itself from the mud, taking shape after hours of hard work and frustration. i'm looking forward to see what it will look like. i'm trying to take a more positive approach, more realistic i suppose. after all, i can only change what i am, and what i produce.
this is also the first time that i will not have a job lined up. scary prospect, considering it's not just me i have to worry about-- and everything is so expensive now. food, energy, rent, life. who can afford to stay alive these days.
i suppose it's post-ally jitters. i've made it this far. i'll make it further.
Monday
last day at lincoln
4/5/08
this week is my last round of presentations at lincoln avenue elementary school. i must say, i have mixed feelings. i've been going there up to 2 times a month over a period of three days since the beginning of my term.
initially, i hated going to this school; the contact there was difficult for me to deal with due to conflicting personalities. i did enjoy the kids though, and most of the teachers were genuinely interested in seeing their kids learn and grow.
today, as a wrap-up of everything, I pitted the fifth graders against each other in a game of disaster education baseball. the guy's team, the bulls, against the girls team, the milwaukee chicks in an old-fashioned game of wits. it was really fun for a while, the girls playing cautiously against the guys, whose bravado led to more strikes, but inevitably more points.
the competition grew fierce, and i had to use both of the call and responses (if, you can hear my voice, clap once.... and 'ago,' are you listening? and 'ame,' you have my attention.) i warned the class if i had to use the call and response more than three times, the game would have to end. inevitably, at the top of the third inning, it got to be too much. i called the game off on account of the bad weather and retreated to the rear of the room. the guidance counselor took over and continued her lessons.
while waiting to be excused, there was a disturbance. a little black boy was brought, kicking and screaming into the room. the school security guard had his hands behind his back in what looked like an uncomfortable manner. mind you, this is an elementary school. the more the boy struggled, the more the guard held him. a woman followed in, asking the teacher of the classroom if the little boy could stay there, as detention was all full. (apparently, this teacher's class was where they deposited the "problem children.")
as the class continued on, the little boy struggled with the three authority figures who insisted that he settle down. their tones were less than friendly; the more aggressive they became, the more the little boy fought. i was at a loss watching.
eventually, the little boy agreed to sit, so long as no one touched him. the security guard and the woman left, and afterward, the teacher in the classroom apologized for the treatment. he explained that the adults had "no choice" when the child behaved that way. he offered the boy the opportunity to choose a book to read until lunch time. the little boy didn't want to read, but instead asked if he would still be able to go outside for recess. that was all that mattered to him.
before this happened, i had been speaking to the teacher about the state of milwaukee public schools. the teacher went on about the corruption of the higher-ups, the rules, etc. i agreed about most of it. but i have seen so much as an unsuspecting outsider visiting these schools. i have heard teachers screaming at children inappropriately, students running amok in the classrooms. this is what happens when public schools are under-funded, overfilled, and under-staffed by inexperienced teachers.
as the little boy stared stone faced at the wall, i approached him and asked his name. "billy, " he said, staring down at his desk. billy and i talked for a moment, and he let me know slowly what all the fuss was about. he was what the teachers reffered to as a 'problem student,' or 'at-risk.' it turned out that billy was being bothered by another student, but didn't tell his teacher because he thought she would blame him anyway. he resorted to violence, and got into trouble.
i told him i knew how it felt to get labeled as the bad kid- the one who was to blame even if they had nothing to do with the situation. we talked about ways he could have handled the situation, or avoided it altogether. billy was a really nice kid, it seemed, but he was just having a bad time.
i don't know if i'm reading into it too much, but there aren't a lot of black teachers at lincoln. there are caucasian, and hispanic teachers, but very few african americans. i remember what it was like to constantly be yelled at and berated by teachers without an awareness of the cultural differences. they couldn't see beyond the "disruption" to what the real problem was.
in this instance, i found out that this nine-year old second grader couldn't read. i was astonished. he sat at that desk and stared in silence because getting a book would have only frustrated him more. this was why he hadn't been able to pay attention in class, and probably why he was labeled at-risk. but he was in a public school, surrounded by educated people, and this little boy couldn't read!
i grabbed a book, and offered to read it to him. we had a great time talking about the story and discussing the pictures. i showed billy a picture of the milwaukee boat house that matt exposed me to. he loved it. we found a simple picture book, and billy surprised himself by reading a few pages to me. we kept reading until it was time for me to go.
as i was leaving i remembered that lincoln has a boys and girls club , and the CLC program has tutors. i suggested to the teacher that billy get enrolled in that program. it's there for kids like him. as i was leaving, the teacher handed billy not only an application, but an entire page of strange-looking houses freshly printed.
i left smiling. i'm actually sad to say goodbye, but really glad i got to open up a connection between the teacher and student. given the right situation, anyone can be at-risk. on the same note, we can all be better than we ever knew.
"we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."
-oscar wilde
this week is my last round of presentations at lincoln avenue elementary school. i must say, i have mixed feelings. i've been going there up to 2 times a month over a period of three days since the beginning of my term.
initially, i hated going to this school; the contact there was difficult for me to deal with due to conflicting personalities. i did enjoy the kids though, and most of the teachers were genuinely interested in seeing their kids learn and grow.
today, as a wrap-up of everything, I pitted the fifth graders against each other in a game of disaster education baseball. the guy's team, the bulls, against the girls team, the milwaukee chicks in an old-fashioned game of wits. it was really fun for a while, the girls playing cautiously against the guys, whose bravado led to more strikes, but inevitably more points.
the competition grew fierce, and i had to use both of the call and responses (if, you can hear my voice, clap once.... and 'ago,' are you listening? and 'ame,' you have my attention.) i warned the class if i had to use the call and response more than three times, the game would have to end. inevitably, at the top of the third inning, it got to be too much. i called the game off on account of the bad weather and retreated to the rear of the room. the guidance counselor took over and continued her lessons.
while waiting to be excused, there was a disturbance. a little black boy was brought, kicking and screaming into the room. the school security guard had his hands behind his back in what looked like an uncomfortable manner. mind you, this is an elementary school. the more the boy struggled, the more the guard held him. a woman followed in, asking the teacher of the classroom if the little boy could stay there, as detention was all full. (apparently, this teacher's class was where they deposited the "problem children.")
as the class continued on, the little boy struggled with the three authority figures who insisted that he settle down. their tones were less than friendly; the more aggressive they became, the more the little boy fought. i was at a loss watching.
eventually, the little boy agreed to sit, so long as no one touched him. the security guard and the woman left, and afterward, the teacher in the classroom apologized for the treatment. he explained that the adults had "no choice" when the child behaved that way. he offered the boy the opportunity to choose a book to read until lunch time. the little boy didn't want to read, but instead asked if he would still be able to go outside for recess. that was all that mattered to him.
before this happened, i had been speaking to the teacher about the state of milwaukee public schools. the teacher went on about the corruption of the higher-ups, the rules, etc. i agreed about most of it. but i have seen so much as an unsuspecting outsider visiting these schools. i have heard teachers screaming at children inappropriately, students running amok in the classrooms. this is what happens when public schools are under-funded, overfilled, and under-staffed by inexperienced teachers.
as the little boy stared stone faced at the wall, i approached him and asked his name. "billy, " he said, staring down at his desk. billy and i talked for a moment, and he let me know slowly what all the fuss was about. he was what the teachers reffered to as a 'problem student,' or 'at-risk.' it turned out that billy was being bothered by another student, but didn't tell his teacher because he thought she would blame him anyway. he resorted to violence, and got into trouble.
i told him i knew how it felt to get labeled as the bad kid- the one who was to blame even if they had nothing to do with the situation. we talked about ways he could have handled the situation, or avoided it altogether. billy was a really nice kid, it seemed, but he was just having a bad time.
i don't know if i'm reading into it too much, but there aren't a lot of black teachers at lincoln. there are caucasian, and hispanic teachers, but very few african americans. i remember what it was like to constantly be yelled at and berated by teachers without an awareness of the cultural differences. they couldn't see beyond the "disruption" to what the real problem was.
in this instance, i found out that this nine-year old second grader couldn't read. i was astonished. he sat at that desk and stared in silence because getting a book would have only frustrated him more. this was why he hadn't been able to pay attention in class, and probably why he was labeled at-risk. but he was in a public school, surrounded by educated people, and this little boy couldn't read!
i grabbed a book, and offered to read it to him. we had a great time talking about the story and discussing the pictures. i showed billy a picture of the milwaukee boat house that matt exposed me to. he loved it. we found a simple picture book, and billy surprised himself by reading a few pages to me. we kept reading until it was time for me to go.as i was leaving i remembered that lincoln has a boys and girls club , and the CLC program has tutors. i suggested to the teacher that billy get enrolled in that program. it's there for kids like him. as i was leaving, the teacher handed billy not only an application, but an entire page of strange-looking houses freshly printed.
i left smiling. i'm actually sad to say goodbye, but really glad i got to open up a connection between the teacher and student. given the right situation, anyone can be at-risk. on the same note, we can all be better than we ever knew.
"we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."
-oscar wilde
Wednesday
flashpoint
4/30/08
"i wish that i knew what i know now, when i was younger. i wish that i knew what i know now, when i was stronger." -the faces
yesterday, i had a letter to the editor published in the racine journal times. it was in response to acts of discrimination against students at local high schools participating in the national day of silence to raise awareness of the struggles many LGBT students face daily.
my little brother is the picture of courage when it comes to speaking out, or in this instance, not speaking out. since his decision to come out, he has been an advocate for LGBT students. he was a founding member of the gay-straight alliance, leader of the poms squad, and a star in choral and theatre performances. he's also participated in sports, sex-ed awareness, and religious activities.
i think about this awesome kid, and how much he does for everyone around him. he's fortunate to feel confident enough to share himself regardless of consequence. then, i imagine all the students who are afraid to tell their friends and families who they are because they think they'll be ostracized, mistreated, or worse. when people have to hide their love for someone of the same gender, or feel that they must conform to the "norm" to avoid persecution, i am frustrated beyond words. it seems to me that the fight for civil rights is far from over.
i remember an incident i was involved in my 8th grade year -- young and stupid, but still old enough to know better. after months of struggle with a particular teacher (i was constantly removed from the class, in spite of my attention and engagement in lectures) i'd had enough.
a couple of us got together after school at a neighbor's house and thought of ways we could get back at this teacher who had it out for me. someone suggested we put something on his door, maybe some kind of banner or something to perpetuate the rumor of his sexual identity. one of the girls' mothers was a quilter, so there was plenty of fabric. we gathered some supplies, and set to work.
i'll never forget that banner. it was a white pillowcase with a purple ruffle, sequins and beads. we attached a picture of dorothy from the wizard of oz and a queen of hearts. the idiot innocence in us compelled us to use puffy paint and spell out his name: tom.
we hung the banner early monday morning, before school started. everyone dashed off to class on an adrenaline rush, we didn't speak. i remained relatively calm for the remainder of the day, until the school police officer pulled me out of class and directed me to his office. i was given a lecture, which i didn't quite understand until recently. we had, in fact, committed a hate crime. our angst and anger piled up in helplessness, we retaliated in a way that would hurt him.
i was the only one who was caught, and the only one who confessed. i was suspended for two weeks. the other folks involved are memories to me now, but i still see tom around town. he lives near me, i think, and we frequent the same spaces. part of the irony: until he started throwing me out of classes, he had been my favorite teacher because he showed us movies on rock and roll, anthropology and politics.
i owe that man an apology, and it's taken me a good eight years to realize it. he's not gay, but if he were, why should it have mattered to me, to any of us? it's taken an outlash of hatred and intolerance for me to see the mistake. i'm ashamed, and i hope some day when i see him out, he won't dash off in the other direction so i can tell him i'm sorry.
i'd like to think that i'm a better person now, and i won't tolerate discrimination of any kind. i'm more careful in my thoughts, words, and actions. i hope this revelation can change some things for the better.
To the City of Racine:
I am ashamed of the backwoods-style condemnation of students participating in the National Day of Silence campaign. I commend those students who had courage enough to invoke their constitutional right to stand in peaceful protest against hatred and bigotry. These young people are the new civil rights activists in the fight for social equality. In battles such as this, there are countless others paralyzed by fear. They see these students as champions of human rights.
I am proud to be a member of a socially-active, blended LGBT family. I challenge any of those gay-bashing in this city to rise to the occasion of accepting the words of our forefathers — that all men are created equal. We must celebrate life, regardless of race, gender, creed, ethnicity, sexual preference, or ability. This is a nation for all people, not just those who live as you do.
Rosy Ricks
"i wish that i knew what i know now, when i was younger. i wish that i knew what i know now, when i was stronger." -the faces
yesterday, i had a letter to the editor published in the racine journal times. it was in response to acts of discrimination against students at local high schools participating in the national day of silence to raise awareness of the struggles many LGBT students face daily.
my little brother is the picture of courage when it comes to speaking out, or in this instance, not speaking out. since his decision to come out, he has been an advocate for LGBT students. he was a founding member of the gay-straight alliance, leader of the poms squad, and a star in choral and theatre performances. he's also participated in sports, sex-ed awareness, and religious activities.
i think about this awesome kid, and how much he does for everyone around him. he's fortunate to feel confident enough to share himself regardless of consequence. then, i imagine all the students who are afraid to tell their friends and families who they are because they think they'll be ostracized, mistreated, or worse. when people have to hide their love for someone of the same gender, or feel that they must conform to the "norm" to avoid persecution, i am frustrated beyond words. it seems to me that the fight for civil rights is far from over.
i remember an incident i was involved in my 8th grade year -- young and stupid, but still old enough to know better. after months of struggle with a particular teacher (i was constantly removed from the class, in spite of my attention and engagement in lectures) i'd had enough.
a couple of us got together after school at a neighbor's house and thought of ways we could get back at this teacher who had it out for me. someone suggested we put something on his door, maybe some kind of banner or something to perpetuate the rumor of his sexual identity. one of the girls' mothers was a quilter, so there was plenty of fabric. we gathered some supplies, and set to work.
i'll never forget that banner. it was a white pillowcase with a purple ruffle, sequins and beads. we attached a picture of dorothy from the wizard of oz and a queen of hearts. the idiot innocence in us compelled us to use puffy paint and spell out his name: tom.
we hung the banner early monday morning, before school started. everyone dashed off to class on an adrenaline rush, we didn't speak. i remained relatively calm for the remainder of the day, until the school police officer pulled me out of class and directed me to his office. i was given a lecture, which i didn't quite understand until recently. we had, in fact, committed a hate crime. our angst and anger piled up in helplessness, we retaliated in a way that would hurt him.
i was the only one who was caught, and the only one who confessed. i was suspended for two weeks. the other folks involved are memories to me now, but i still see tom around town. he lives near me, i think, and we frequent the same spaces. part of the irony: until he started throwing me out of classes, he had been my favorite teacher because he showed us movies on rock and roll, anthropology and politics.
i owe that man an apology, and it's taken me a good eight years to realize it. he's not gay, but if he were, why should it have mattered to me, to any of us? it's taken an outlash of hatred and intolerance for me to see the mistake. i'm ashamed, and i hope some day when i see him out, he won't dash off in the other direction so i can tell him i'm sorry.
i'd like to think that i'm a better person now, and i won't tolerate discrimination of any kind. i'm more careful in my thoughts, words, and actions. i hope this revelation can change some things for the better.
To the City of Racine:
I am ashamed of the backwoods-style condemnation of students participating in the National Day of Silence campaign. I commend those students who had courage enough to invoke their constitutional right to stand in peaceful protest against hatred and bigotry. These young people are the new civil rights activists in the fight for social equality. In battles such as this, there are countless others paralyzed by fear. They see these students as champions of human rights.
I am proud to be a member of a socially-active, blended LGBT family. I challenge any of those gay-bashing in this city to rise to the occasion of accepting the words of our forefathers — that all men are created equal. We must celebrate life, regardless of race, gender, creed, ethnicity, sexual preference, or ability. This is a nation for all people, not just those who live as you do.
Rosy Ricks
Monday
free rice because everybody's hungry.
4/23/08
it seems like there are problems everywhere i go. most days, i like to listen to npr and take in the happenings, but lately, i've been on sabbatical from the news. there's a problem with prioritizing in our world, and it seems like international powers cannot decide between people and profit.
by now, everyone must know about my passion for food security. one of the big issues in the world is-- has, and always will be-- hunger. since the development and implementation of corn-and-soy-based ethanol, people around the world are feeling an economic pinch. these grains are being converted to fuels for cars rather than for our bodies. feed for livestock is more expensive, and so that is driving up the price of dairy, meat, and eggs. that, in turn, is increasing the cost of other foods in which these animal-derived items are main ingredients.
it's a good time to be a farmer, but a bad time to be any other kind of impoverished person. if you have been to the grocery store lately, you've been feeling the pinch. after all the bills are paid, how much of your income can you use for food? many of us are lucky; we may not be eating everything we want , but more often than not, we aren't going to bed hungry.
i heard this story about local food banks and the food stamps system on npr and it made me cry. i can't imagine what it would be like to know that you can't afford to feed your children, they must fend for themselves while you are away. many children are heading to soup kitchens. fortunately, there has been a great program created with funding from the united way to open schools and feed children who might otherwise go without.
for anyone who can, please volunteer or donate to one of the local food pantries. as the economy is in decline, more people are in need. in times of high demand, people stop giving. but, if we needed the help, where would we turn if those food banks weren't there? would we be too proud to stand in lines at a soup kitchen, rather than dishing it out?
i remember our diversity and anti-oppression training on classism, everyone was really upset. they were'nt upset about the condition of things as a whole, but specifically that they were promised breakfast, and were only given rice and oranges. in the real world, when someone is hungry, those things can be a godsend. we're lucky that p.a. helps us out with foodstamps. there are people in our communities who still needd help. and the problems we have here are always exponentially worse in the international community. with the dangers of violence, hijackings, and the price of gas, food aide organizations are sending less because they can't afford it. a co-worker of mine sent a link to me, and it's a fun and easy way to expand your vocabulary as well as helping provide food to the hungry. all you have to do is click on the definition of a word, and for each correct answer, 20 grains of rice are donated to the united nations world food program.
what are you waiting for, go out and feed the people!
it seems like there are problems everywhere i go. most days, i like to listen to npr and take in the happenings, but lately, i've been on sabbatical from the news. there's a problem with prioritizing in our world, and it seems like international powers cannot decide between people and profit.
by now, everyone must know about my passion for food security. one of the big issues in the world is-- has, and always will be-- hunger. since the development and implementation of corn-and-soy-based ethanol, people around the world are feeling an economic pinch. these grains are being converted to fuels for cars rather than for our bodies. feed for livestock is more expensive, and so that is driving up the price of dairy, meat, and eggs. that, in turn, is increasing the cost of other foods in which these animal-derived items are main ingredients.
it's a good time to be a farmer, but a bad time to be any other kind of impoverished person. if you have been to the grocery store lately, you've been feeling the pinch. after all the bills are paid, how much of your income can you use for food? many of us are lucky; we may not be eating everything we want , but more often than not, we aren't going to bed hungry.
i heard this story about local food banks and the food stamps system on npr and it made me cry. i can't imagine what it would be like to know that you can't afford to feed your children, they must fend for themselves while you are away. many children are heading to soup kitchens. fortunately, there has been a great program created with funding from the united way to open schools and feed children who might otherwise go without.
for anyone who can, please volunteer or donate to one of the local food pantries. as the economy is in decline, more people are in need. in times of high demand, people stop giving. but, if we needed the help, where would we turn if those food banks weren't there? would we be too proud to stand in lines at a soup kitchen, rather than dishing it out?
i remember our diversity and anti-oppression training on classism, everyone was really upset. they were'nt upset about the condition of things as a whole, but specifically that they were promised breakfast, and were only given rice and oranges. in the real world, when someone is hungry, those things can be a godsend. we're lucky that p.a. helps us out with foodstamps. there are people in our communities who still needd help. and the problems we have here are always exponentially worse in the international community. with the dangers of violence, hijackings, and the price of gas, food aide organizations are sending less because they can't afford it. a co-worker of mine sent a link to me, and it's a fun and easy way to expand your vocabulary as well as helping provide food to the hungry. all you have to do is click on the definition of a word, and for each correct answer, 20 grains of rice are donated to the united nations world food program.
what are you waiting for, go out and feed the people!
NAMI walks
4/21/08
last week, we had a diversity and anti-oppression training on ableism with 2 guests from disability wisconsin and the national alliance on mental illness (NAMI). they were both really engaging and informative, fielding difficult questions with genuine interest and expertise.
unfortunately, i missed out on a lot of the speaking, because there's this asinine policy of locking people out if they aren't on time. i have been on time for everything lately, with the exception of this day. but on this day, there was a topic i actually needed to hear about. nice.
anywho, after brenda wesley discussed her experiences taking care of family members with mental illnesses, i was taken aback. everything she talked about, i have gone through-- either myself or in dealing with a family member. she also brought up the fact that the stigma attached with mental illnesses aren't attached to things like diabetes and heart attacks. (if someone goes off medication for mental illness, they are judged and ostracized; on the other side of the coin, people with chronic illnesses who neglect themselves are catered to and comforted in times of need.)
the presentation was so informative. i know the wrong she has felt. it's hard to talk about those kinds of things, because i know that people flag that socially. stay away from her, she's crazy... it's not right. something else brenda talked about was the fact that african americans are often misdiagnosed or given improper treatment. the clues of mental illness within the context of black culture are different; if there are no psychiatrists who are familiar with the culture, how can the signs be appropriately identified? apparently, african americans metabolize drugs differently, and that can have an adverse affect.
at the end, brenda invited public allies to join the awareness campaign by participating in NAMI Walks, the annual fundraising campaign to raise awareness about mental illness and resources. i've decided to form a team with a few public allies, friends and family. we'll be walking may 17th at veteran's park. you can donate to our team "public allies, friends, and families" by getting in touch with me, or any participating ally.
if you'd like to walk with us, or to donate, please contact me. i'd like our team to raise at least $500. there's more information on the walk at the website or by calling brad montgomery at 414-344-0447.
Wednesday
i have experienced sliding into the depths of powerlessness
4/16/08
this morning i was on my way back from a great presentation at the clinton rose senior center on mlk drive and burleigh. i was in high spirits, as the directors informed me that they were especially pleased that i had been there, and that i would be missed at the end of my term.
naturally, i began re-evaluating whether i was having an impact on anyone in my work. driving down locust street on the way to 27th, back to the red cross office, i rolled down all of the windows to take in the air of goodness in the world. i continued to ponder my worth, leaning more toward extraordinarily significant and profoundly influential than under-appreciated martyr, when suddenly there was a disturbance in my thoughts.
stopped at a red light, i glanced around to see where i was. outside my window, on the corner of 23rd and locust, there were several men circled up outside a corner store. ordinarily, this wouldn't disconcert me. in this instance, 3 young men were advancing violently toward an older one. a punch was thrown, the older man stumbled back.
"get off 23rd street," one of the young men repeated. he looked angry and intimidating as he swung. "you heard me, nigga, get off 23rd street." he and the others continued to move forward, pushing the man down locust street. "i'm off 23rd street," was all he responded as they continued to advance and attack him.
most of the other drivers around me pretended not to see it, looking forward with hands clenched around steering wheels. i stared, mouth agape. what am i supposed to do? i thought to myself. what can i do? i thought to honk my horn, or maybe get out and say something. i thought it, but realized i would do no such thing. i immediately thought of samadhi, and what might happen if i ended up stinking my nose in. i wasn't sure of what the situation really was, but i felt like i needed to do something. yet i didn't; i was actually afraid of being hurt.
i saw these men committing violence in broad daylight, in front of a bus of school children, and felt there was nothing i could do. i saw the fear in the man's eyes. i wanted to tell him to get into the car, i don't know what stopped me. or perhaps i do know exactly the thing, but don't want to admit it to myself. i wanted to scream, express disapproval. i wanted the sky to open up and rain justice. i wanted peace, respect.
and i stared, doing nothing. when the light changed, i continued to stare, until the cars behind me began to honk.
i'm not sure where to put these feelings. i am really disappointed in myself, and am wondering what could have been done differently. what were the consequences of me not taking action? what might have happened had i done something? these are questions without answers, and something i'm going to have to think about for a while.
this morning i was on my way back from a great presentation at the clinton rose senior center on mlk drive and burleigh. i was in high spirits, as the directors informed me that they were especially pleased that i had been there, and that i would be missed at the end of my term.
naturally, i began re-evaluating whether i was having an impact on anyone in my work. driving down locust street on the way to 27th, back to the red cross office, i rolled down all of the windows to take in the air of goodness in the world. i continued to ponder my worth, leaning more toward extraordinarily significant and profoundly influential than under-appreciated martyr, when suddenly there was a disturbance in my thoughts.
stopped at a red light, i glanced around to see where i was. outside my window, on the corner of 23rd and locust, there were several men circled up outside a corner store. ordinarily, this wouldn't disconcert me. in this instance, 3 young men were advancing violently toward an older one. a punch was thrown, the older man stumbled back.
"get off 23rd street," one of the young men repeated. he looked angry and intimidating as he swung. "you heard me, nigga, get off 23rd street." he and the others continued to move forward, pushing the man down locust street. "i'm off 23rd street," was all he responded as they continued to advance and attack him.
most of the other drivers around me pretended not to see it, looking forward with hands clenched around steering wheels. i stared, mouth agape. what am i supposed to do? i thought to myself. what can i do? i thought to honk my horn, or maybe get out and say something. i thought it, but realized i would do no such thing. i immediately thought of samadhi, and what might happen if i ended up stinking my nose in. i wasn't sure of what the situation really was, but i felt like i needed to do something. yet i didn't; i was actually afraid of being hurt.
i saw these men committing violence in broad daylight, in front of a bus of school children, and felt there was nothing i could do. i saw the fear in the man's eyes. i wanted to tell him to get into the car, i don't know what stopped me. or perhaps i do know exactly the thing, but don't want to admit it to myself. i wanted to scream, express disapproval. i wanted the sky to open up and rain justice. i wanted peace, respect.
and i stared, doing nothing. when the light changed, i continued to stare, until the cars behind me began to honk.
i'm not sure where to put these feelings. i am really disappointed in myself, and am wondering what could have been done differently. what were the consequences of me not taking action? what might have happened had i done something? these are questions without answers, and something i'm going to have to think about for a while.
Monday
to the windy city
4/14/08
it's been a while since i've updated, or at least that's the way it seems. looking over some of my old posts, i felt like everything was negative, making the sum of my "experience" seem negative as well. i don't think that's a fair assessment of the public allies experience so far.
there have been ups and downs. many more, in fact, than i had anticipated. we've gone through bureaucratic changes with the partnership with uwm, as well as changes in training. we've had all-out fights, laughs, shared secrets and sorrows. looking back at particular moments, we've had the team-building exercises like opening retreat and mid-year. of all the things we've done so far, i'd say our service days have been my favorite. those are the times we're walking the walk.
of course, there have been bad times. i am not one to gloss over troubles, as i'm sure my program manager, james, can attest to. i feel like i have been in a perpetual state of complaining to him about one issue or another since our first 360. pay problems, court, daycare, working too hard. everything. in fact, of everyone i've come in contact with at public allies, i think james may actually know me and what i'm all about.
at friday training, james dropped a bomb on us. as of april 25th, he will no longer be our program manager. james is moving on to bigger and better things in the windy city; he says he's found his calling in a philanthropic position.
i must say, i missed out on most of the other things he said. i was really disappointed. as i listened, i had this realization that i really do enjoy working with james. his incredible ability to listen to complaints and successes without interjection or silly advice-giving, and remaining utterly professional has really been an anchor for me. i have never done well being "bossed," but somehow, james has done this amazing job of directing without being overbearing. he knows there are things i don't want to do, but he gets me to do them by acknowledging the fact that they're silly, but reminding me gently that they still need to be done.
of course, i can't forget to credit james for all his encouraging and support of our TSP. the team service project has been a sort of mess for our group. we're split into many small camps, and have had a really hard time since the beginning of the project. james has done a fantastic job of keeping us one step ahead of the chopping block. when we had the TSP review panel, we dominated. every question the panel asked, james had already demanded answers for. without overpowering our need to lead, james has been the consciousness and grounding element of ASSET.
something else james has been on top of is our PISD's. i know that some other allies say they are never sure if their program managers ever get around to them, but every week, i know james looks through our PISD's and makes mental notes about the thinly veiled impact our service time is having on our lives. there have been times when james offhandedly mentions the impact of something he saw in a document, and he does it in front of the whole team. i've seen those comments make someone beam.
until he announced his leaving, i had no idea the impact james has had on me. of course, you don't know what you've got... james has been one hell of an asset. i'm going to stop gushing about it, but i'm really sad to see james go. he jas done more for us and the program than i think he knows. in spite of my sadness, i do wish him well in all he does.
thank you for everything james.
"a boss creates fear, a leader confidence. a boss fixes blame, a leader corrects mistakes. a boss knows it all, a leader asks questions. a boss makes work drudgery, a leader makes it interesting."
-russell h. ewing
it's been a while since i've updated, or at least that's the way it seems. looking over some of my old posts, i felt like everything was negative, making the sum of my "experience" seem negative as well. i don't think that's a fair assessment of the public allies experience so far.
there have been ups and downs. many more, in fact, than i had anticipated. we've gone through bureaucratic changes with the partnership with uwm, as well as changes in training. we've had all-out fights, laughs, shared secrets and sorrows. looking back at particular moments, we've had the team-building exercises like opening retreat and mid-year. of all the things we've done so far, i'd say our service days have been my favorite. those are the times we're walking the walk.
of course, there have been bad times. i am not one to gloss over troubles, as i'm sure my program manager, james, can attest to. i feel like i have been in a perpetual state of complaining to him about one issue or another since our first 360. pay problems, court, daycare, working too hard. everything. in fact, of everyone i've come in contact with at public allies, i think james may actually know me and what i'm all about.
at friday training, james dropped a bomb on us. as of april 25th, he will no longer be our program manager. james is moving on to bigger and better things in the windy city; he says he's found his calling in a philanthropic position.
i must say, i missed out on most of the other things he said. i was really disappointed. as i listened, i had this realization that i really do enjoy working with james. his incredible ability to listen to complaints and successes without interjection or silly advice-giving, and remaining utterly professional has really been an anchor for me. i have never done well being "bossed," but somehow, james has done this amazing job of directing without being overbearing. he knows there are things i don't want to do, but he gets me to do them by acknowledging the fact that they're silly, but reminding me gently that they still need to be done.
of course, i can't forget to credit james for all his encouraging and support of our TSP. the team service project has been a sort of mess for our group. we're split into many small camps, and have had a really hard time since the beginning of the project. james has done a fantastic job of keeping us one step ahead of the chopping block. when we had the TSP review panel, we dominated. every question the panel asked, james had already demanded answers for. without overpowering our need to lead, james has been the consciousness and grounding element of ASSET.
something else james has been on top of is our PISD's. i know that some other allies say they are never sure if their program managers ever get around to them, but every week, i know james looks through our PISD's and makes mental notes about the thinly veiled impact our service time is having on our lives. there have been times when james offhandedly mentions the impact of something he saw in a document, and he does it in front of the whole team. i've seen those comments make someone beam.
until he announced his leaving, i had no idea the impact james has had on me. of course, you don't know what you've got... james has been one hell of an asset. i'm going to stop gushing about it, but i'm really sad to see james go. he jas done more for us and the program than i think he knows. in spite of my sadness, i do wish him well in all he does.
thank you for everything james.
"a boss creates fear, a leader confidence. a boss fixes blame, a leader corrects mistakes. a boss knows it all, a leader asks questions. a boss makes work drudgery, a leader makes it interesting."
-russell h. ewing
Thursday
drumming up business
4/3/08
the week of "drumming up business." i've been roaming all over milwaukee peddling the gospel of disaster preparedness. i've had some tentative takers, i believe, and have also seen places i've never been.
there are all sorts of architectural wonders in this city. how exciting to stumble into old buildings and find some feast for the eyes, marble floors and intricately carved wood. footholds worn into stairs from decades of use...
the week has been interesting to say the least. i can feel the term winding down, and am starting to wonder what will happen next. i am thinking of applying for a job at a shelter, i think. i'd like to do more service-oriented things.
i'm going to be the reporter for our tsp group. i think my portfolio is going to be awesome when i finish this whole mess. so much has been going on... i think i'm just ready for a new part of my life. that part where i am mostly content to be where i am and comfortable being who i am.
matt's coming home for a moment. i am excited, and nervous.
the week of "drumming up business." i've been roaming all over milwaukee peddling the gospel of disaster preparedness. i've had some tentative takers, i believe, and have also seen places i've never been.
there are all sorts of architectural wonders in this city. how exciting to stumble into old buildings and find some feast for the eyes, marble floors and intricately carved wood. footholds worn into stairs from decades of use...
the week has been interesting to say the least. i can feel the term winding down, and am starting to wonder what will happen next. i am thinking of applying for a job at a shelter, i think. i'd like to do more service-oriented things.
i'm going to be the reporter for our tsp group. i think my portfolio is going to be awesome when i finish this whole mess. so much has been going on... i think i'm just ready for a new part of my life. that part where i am mostly content to be where i am and comfortable being who i am.
matt's coming home for a moment. i am excited, and nervous.
how i'm doing, so far.
3/27/08
i'm having a slow week. overcoming sickness, combating weather blues, and trying to stay afloat are wearing me thin. i told veronica i feel like a vacuum salesman. it's a sales job, she said. i didn't plan on having to sell anything. i planned on doing some good. word got round that i'm bored here. you shouldn't be bored. there's plenty for you to do here. did anyone spread the word that this just might not be the fit for me?
while i can be very persuasive when it comes to my personal beliefs, i was never a very good salesperson. i failed miserably at telemarketing because i couldn't push people if they weren't obviously interested. i have a hard time calling people and insisting they let me come and speak. it's not to say i'm not making the effort to connect. i've exhausted many methods. i've called, emailed, sent out letters, asked people to spread the word. now, i feel all i can do is wait.
i'm feeling stuck. i have a lot of conflicting feelings about all of this, the program, my placement, and my life in general. there are plenty of unresolved issues, from general dissatisfaction to wrestling with perpetual feelings of inadequacy. i'm not sure where to be with all of this. i know the program has given me opportunities, but it's also presented me with many struggles.
naturally, i have been dissatisfied with some things. there are, however, a few things i've learned. of these, i think the most important is the sense of self-satisfaction. i have met adversity, and have overcome it, and have even gotten the better of it. i've been recognized for my hard work and integrity. i've not only met goals, but have grossly over-succeeded.
i guess this is my way of saying that i'm proud of myself. i'm proud of all the work i've done, and of how far i have come in this short time. it's been a stepping stone (in some cases, a sinking pillar) toward my eventual happiness. there are things i've done during this term that would likely have gone by the wayside at any other time.
success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.
- winston churchill
i'm having a slow week. overcoming sickness, combating weather blues, and trying to stay afloat are wearing me thin. i told veronica i feel like a vacuum salesman. it's a sales job, she said. i didn't plan on having to sell anything. i planned on doing some good. word got round that i'm bored here. you shouldn't be bored. there's plenty for you to do here. did anyone spread the word that this just might not be the fit for me?
while i can be very persuasive when it comes to my personal beliefs, i was never a very good salesperson. i failed miserably at telemarketing because i couldn't push people if they weren't obviously interested. i have a hard time calling people and insisting they let me come and speak. it's not to say i'm not making the effort to connect. i've exhausted many methods. i've called, emailed, sent out letters, asked people to spread the word. now, i feel all i can do is wait.
i'm feeling stuck. i have a lot of conflicting feelings about all of this, the program, my placement, and my life in general. there are plenty of unresolved issues, from general dissatisfaction to wrestling with perpetual feelings of inadequacy. i'm not sure where to be with all of this. i know the program has given me opportunities, but it's also presented me with many struggles.
naturally, i have been dissatisfied with some things. there are, however, a few things i've learned. of these, i think the most important is the sense of self-satisfaction. i have met adversity, and have overcome it, and have even gotten the better of it. i've been recognized for my hard work and integrity. i've not only met goals, but have grossly over-succeeded.
i guess this is my way of saying that i'm proud of myself. i'm proud of all the work i've done, and of how far i have come in this short time. it's been a stepping stone (in some cases, a sinking pillar) toward my eventual happiness. there are things i've done during this term that would likely have gone by the wayside at any other time.
success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.
- winston churchill
Wednesday
3/19/08
i've been feverishly ill (my temperature lingering between 100 and 102) for about 3 days, and have stayed at work for two reasons:
1. i'm too poor to go to the doctor
2. i can't miss much work as all of my personal days have essentially been used up for custody hearings.
having given it some thought, it's really pointless to have the americorps health insurance, because state insurance is infinitely better. in fact, if i worked an easy job, i'd still qualify for state health insurance, child care, and food stamps. i'd never have to work weekends, and probably not too many evenings, either.
i keep asking myself, why am i doing this? it seems like i work so hard to do good, only to be batted down by injustice. the struggle to survive in a healthy way (mentally emotionally, etc) in a world full of robots, naysayers, bastards and pharisees is taking a toll. i am ill, and it's from stress wearing down my immunity, from negativity bearing down on me. i work hard, despite the little reward. i sacrifice, i act. yet, it's as if it's never enough.
again, i find myself asking, why? but i already know the answer. sometimes, i forget things i already know. i know that good work usually goes unrewarded. honesty is expected, and dishonesty is often times overlooked. but these are not my truths. my truths are simple and natural. my truths are holistic and do no harm. my truths are unconventional in the sense that they go back beyond where we are now. my truths are ancient:
earth my body
water my blood
air my breath
and fire my spirit.
-elemental chant
i do know that in spite of the consequences, i have to do what is right. i have to give, even if nothing is coming back right now. i can only hope, not expect, that it will come eventually in some karmic retribution. i know real family and true friends are the best medicine you could ask for.a bit crunchy, yes. but it works for me a whole lot better than anti-depressants . i'm not quite sure how i'm going to make it through the rest of this term with my dignity intact, but i'll do my best regardless of the silly obstacles.
"when dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane."
-hermann hesse
i've been feverishly ill (my temperature lingering between 100 and 102) for about 3 days, and have stayed at work for two reasons:
1. i'm too poor to go to the doctor
2. i can't miss much work as all of my personal days have essentially been used up for custody hearings.
having given it some thought, it's really pointless to have the americorps health insurance, because state insurance is infinitely better. in fact, if i worked an easy job, i'd still qualify for state health insurance, child care, and food stamps. i'd never have to work weekends, and probably not too many evenings, either.
i keep asking myself, why am i doing this? it seems like i work so hard to do good, only to be batted down by injustice. the struggle to survive in a healthy way (mentally emotionally, etc) in a world full of robots, naysayers, bastards and pharisees is taking a toll. i am ill, and it's from stress wearing down my immunity, from negativity bearing down on me. i work hard, despite the little reward. i sacrifice, i act. yet, it's as if it's never enough.
again, i find myself asking, why? but i already know the answer. sometimes, i forget things i already know. i know that good work usually goes unrewarded. honesty is expected, and dishonesty is often times overlooked. but these are not my truths. my truths are simple and natural. my truths are holistic and do no harm. my truths are unconventional in the sense that they go back beyond where we are now. my truths are ancient:
earth my body
water my blood
air my breath
and fire my spirit.
-elemental chant
i do know that in spite of the consequences, i have to do what is right. i have to give, even if nothing is coming back right now. i can only hope, not expect, that it will come eventually in some karmic retribution. i know real family and true friends are the best medicine you could ask for.a bit crunchy, yes. but it works for me a whole lot better than anti-depressants . i'm not quite sure how i'm going to make it through the rest of this term with my dignity intact, but i'll do my best regardless of the silly obstacles.
Tuesday
luck to you, michael.
3/17/08
something else i wanted to mention was what happened on our friday training. i brought the baby, and we had a great time at urban underground and at the justice talking session (we read the letter from the birmingham jail).
we were blindsided during announcements when james informed us we'd lost our first ally. he didn't say what the circumstances were, but it was pretty surprising. michael was on our tsp team, and it's strange to think that he'd made it this far only to stop now....
our class is huge, 35 allies, the biggest class yet. we've gone through a lot together so far, good and bad. but everyone's stayed in it, even when some didn't have placements. even when some got fired, or had to find new placements. even when we didn't have an executive director. even now, when we've only got two program managers. even tangled up in personal bristles, car crashes, rude comments, whatever. but until now, we'd all made it.
now, someone's gone. not just someone, but one of the team members i've become so comfortable arguing with. it's strange to think about our project without michael. he was really excited about doing his part of the project, about working with youth.
we'll miss you michael. stop in sometime.
something else i wanted to mention was what happened on our friday training. i brought the baby, and we had a great time at urban underground and at the justice talking session (we read the letter from the birmingham jail).
we were blindsided during announcements when james informed us we'd lost our first ally. he didn't say what the circumstances were, but it was pretty surprising. michael was on our tsp team, and it's strange to think that he'd made it this far only to stop now....
our class is huge, 35 allies, the biggest class yet. we've gone through a lot together so far, good and bad. but everyone's stayed in it, even when some didn't have placements. even when some got fired, or had to find new placements. even when we didn't have an executive director. even now, when we've only got two program managers. even tangled up in personal bristles, car crashes, rude comments, whatever. but until now, we'd all made it.
now, someone's gone. not just someone, but one of the team members i've become so comfortable arguing with. it's strange to think about our project without michael. he was really excited about doing his part of the project, about working with youth.
we'll miss you michael. stop in sometime.
Monday
death warmed over
3/17/08
st. patrick's day. there are about a million drunken white people (and a few assorted minorities) who woke up really early this morning to celebrate the myth of a man chasing snakes out of ireland by drinking green beer and eating various sections of over-cooked cows. de-lightful.
maybe i'm just bitter because i'm sick today. maybe it's the fever talking, the chills getting the better of me. or perhaps i'm just being unfair. but i doubt it. i've always hated st. patrick's day. in fact, i was pregnant during the festivities last year and swore to my yet-unborn son that should i have to celebrate his birth on this wretched day, it would have to be skipped altogether and he would never know the joy of a bumper-bowling birthday party.
enough about st. patty. let's get down to business. last week, i did a lot of table events and a couple presentations. one of the presentations was an utter disaster, as i didn't get home until 9:00 it night with a screaming child. on top of my delayed return to the roost, another red cross employee was present, and she pretty much covered all the material as it was an entirely spanish-speaking audience. sigh. it would have been nice to know that i would be utterly useless in this instance.
thursday was the public allies open house at the uwm school of continuing education. i think one of the other allies hit the nail on the head in terms of the success of the event: "it seemed like everyone was just standing around kissing each other's [you-know-whats]." i don't know that it was informative for anyone, but it probably "looked" really nice.
the most interesting thing i did last week was attending the restaurant expo with FAST (first aid service team) as the mouth for the chapter. it was neat, i spent most of the day watching people try and save choking chester, our dummy friend, by giving abdominal thrusts (also known as the heimlich maneuver) until he spit out a marble. it was harder than it looked. luckily, i was there to take care of things...
in addition to my incredible display of heroics, i sampled a gourmet meal i would have otherwise run shamelessly away from. jerry warned me it would be offered, and not wanting to miss an opportunity, i allowed myself to be led away to the table. here is a play-by-play account of the experience:
i was terrified. the other volunteer and i were sat at a table of high school culinary students who were also deathly afraid of anything that did not directly resemble a pot roast. as we waited for the meal to begin, i fielded the questions that have become standard by now: how long has your hair been like that? is it real, can i touch it? do you wash it? what's your tattoo? how did you get a job?
finally, the first course arrived. junior chefs threw the food at us as if they sensed our utter inability to really appreciate their artistic endeavors. this was the thing that drove me to palatial magnificence: putting my vegetarian armour aside, i took at least a mouthful of every meaty dare they brought.
our appetizers were all seafood. salmon roulade, clam gratin on the half shell, and crab and artichoke cakes were plated in a rich white sauce. i took frightened bites and was pleased to find the salmon did not in any way resemble the fishy fish taste of lenten french fries. the gratin was crunchy and interesting, and the crab cakes were unspectacular.
the salad was exciting, but again decadently carnivorous. it was mixed greens with rabbit two ways and blood-orange sauce. the two ways happened to be a rabbit-sage sausage and a rabbit loin. again, i braved the challenge, but couldn't bring myself to enjoy any of it. the sauce was bitter, and the salad was destroyed entirely by weird over-cooked egg croutons. the high-schoolers hated it even more than i did, as many were from a small town and had their own pet bunnies.
we were served something more traditional for the main course. the chef dropped pork loin (2 loins in one day, who'd have guessed...) and braised root vegetables off. this was more to the liking of the table, myself included. though i abhor pork, i was very excited to eat the blue potatoes and yams. it was really great, and drowning in a butter sauce quite like one might expect from a hard-working grandmother.
the crown jewel of the whole experience though, was the desert. how long i waited! how deserving we all were! having experimenting long enough with fleshy iron-chef-style concoctions, we were elated when cheesecakes laced with berries and fresh sauce accompanied by freshly caramelized almond cookies dipped in heavenly dark chocolate (food of the gods!) arrived before our bulging eyes. this was the only thing that disappeared entirely from all plates.
after my incredible gastrointestinal feat, i sat on my laurels, terribly excited to say i'd done a fine job in spite of my primitive fear of all things once conscious.
st. patrick's day. there are about a million drunken white people (and a few assorted minorities) who woke up really early this morning to celebrate the myth of a man chasing snakes out of ireland by drinking green beer and eating various sections of over-cooked cows. de-lightful.
maybe i'm just bitter because i'm sick today. maybe it's the fever talking, the chills getting the better of me. or perhaps i'm just being unfair. but i doubt it. i've always hated st. patrick's day. in fact, i was pregnant during the festivities last year and swore to my yet-unborn son that should i have to celebrate his birth on this wretched day, it would have to be skipped altogether and he would never know the joy of a bumper-bowling birthday party.
enough about st. patty. let's get down to business. last week, i did a lot of table events and a couple presentations. one of the presentations was an utter disaster, as i didn't get home until 9:00 it night with a screaming child. on top of my delayed return to the roost, another red cross employee was present, and she pretty much covered all the material as it was an entirely spanish-speaking audience. sigh. it would have been nice to know that i would be utterly useless in this instance.
thursday was the public allies open house at the uwm school of continuing education. i think one of the other allies hit the nail on the head in terms of the success of the event: "it seemed like everyone was just standing around kissing each other's [you-know-whats]." i don't know that it was informative for anyone, but it probably "looked" really nice.
the most interesting thing i did last week was attending the restaurant expo with FAST (first aid service team) as the mouth for the chapter. it was neat, i spent most of the day watching people try and save choking chester, our dummy friend, by giving abdominal thrusts (also known as the heimlich maneuver) until he spit out a marble. it was harder than it looked. luckily, i was there to take care of things...
in addition to my incredible display of heroics, i sampled a gourmet meal i would have otherwise run shamelessly away from. jerry warned me it would be offered, and not wanting to miss an opportunity, i allowed myself to be led away to the table. here is a play-by-play account of the experience:
i was terrified. the other volunteer and i were sat at a table of high school culinary students who were also deathly afraid of anything that did not directly resemble a pot roast. as we waited for the meal to begin, i fielded the questions that have become standard by now: how long has your hair been like that? is it real, can i touch it? do you wash it? what's your tattoo? how did you get a job?
finally, the first course arrived. junior chefs threw the food at us as if they sensed our utter inability to really appreciate their artistic endeavors. this was the thing that drove me to palatial magnificence: putting my vegetarian armour aside, i took at least a mouthful of every meaty dare they brought.
our appetizers were all seafood. salmon roulade, clam gratin on the half shell, and crab and artichoke cakes were plated in a rich white sauce. i took frightened bites and was pleased to find the salmon did not in any way resemble the fishy fish taste of lenten french fries. the gratin was crunchy and interesting, and the crab cakes were unspectacular.
the salad was exciting, but again decadently carnivorous. it was mixed greens with rabbit two ways and blood-orange sauce. the two ways happened to be a rabbit-sage sausage and a rabbit loin. again, i braved the challenge, but couldn't bring myself to enjoy any of it. the sauce was bitter, and the salad was destroyed entirely by weird over-cooked egg croutons. the high-schoolers hated it even more than i did, as many were from a small town and had their own pet bunnies.
we were served something more traditional for the main course. the chef dropped pork loin (2 loins in one day, who'd have guessed...) and braised root vegetables off. this was more to the liking of the table, myself included. though i abhor pork, i was very excited to eat the blue potatoes and yams. it was really great, and drowning in a butter sauce quite like one might expect from a hard-working grandmother.
the crown jewel of the whole experience though, was the desert. how long i waited! how deserving we all were! having experimenting long enough with fleshy iron-chef-style concoctions, we were elated when cheesecakes laced with berries and fresh sauce accompanied by freshly caramelized almond cookies dipped in heavenly dark chocolate (food of the gods!) arrived before our bulging eyes. this was the only thing that disappeared entirely from all plates.
after my incredible gastrointestinal feat, i sat on my laurels, terribly excited to say i'd done a fine job in spite of my primitive fear of all things once conscious.
diversity and anti-oppression: classism
3/07/08
friday training this week started everyone of with a surprise.
well, almost everyone. reading over the scoop (the ally newsletter that keeps us up to date on training locations and topics, as well as assorted ally news) i noticed that we would be having a training on classism. rather than a particular ally be responsible for bringing snacks, public allies would be feeding us.
this immediately sent up a red flag. after being in public allies for this long, i know every promise comes with some tricky lesson. rather than leaving it to chance, i prepared myself a delicious breakfast and arrived promptly at 9:00, coffee cup in hand.
as we were ushered into the training space by dave (who, by the way, was dressed in a fashion that as quite reminiscent of the monopoly man), we were to pull a piece of paper out of his top hat. 5 groups were indicated on the papers and so we were arranged.
it was immediately apparent what would be happening. the first table was set with an assortment of breakfast condiments and beverages. the second table had cereal boxes on them, andthe 3 tables further in succession were set with slips of paper. as we filed into place, or alternately, were curtly escorted to them by a pushy monopoly man, the ruckus began.
the program managers brought out 3 glasses of milk, an orange, and a big bowl of brown rice for the 3 tables in the back portion of the room, most of which had at least 5 people. the table of 4 in front of ours was given coffee and an orange to complement the ceareal. what started the trouble was what was given to the people at the first table.
the fellows brought out pancakes, bacon, and eggs, setting them down courteously in front of the four people in front. something that was strange about the set-up of their table: while the rest of us were sitting in circles or squares, facing our "families," that first table was positioned so each person was looking back at the other tables.
there were six people at my table with me. on the table were sheets of paper informing us about the status of our "family," the dwyers. our fictional family consisted of five: the father, a newly-hired police officer; the mother, who stays at home with the kids; a daughter, high-achieving student and talented musician; a foster daughter, with multiple sclerosis; and a son, envious of the attention his sisters get.
there was another sheet of paper listing our income, expenses, and personal assets(a television, camera, and vcr). a third sheet of paper informed us that our family was living in a rented 3 bedroom on the west side, and that we were in substantial credit card debt. the foster daughter was awarded $500 monthly for care expenses, but later on, would be removed from the home due to charges of neglect resulting in a loss of income and a trip to the welfare office for legal aid.
eventually, everyone who wasn't at that first table started asking when the food was coming. were we going to get bacon too? the first table ate, guiltily at first, but eventually forgot about the rest of us. soon, everything was gone from their table, while the brown rice and cups of milk remained on ours, room-temperature and untouched.
when the program managers started asking questions about how everyone felt, the responses were really interesting. some folks decided that the 1st table was the upper class, the central table was the middle class, and the last tables were the lower class. some noticed that we only spoke to the people in our "families," primarily mumbling about how upset we were.
at the end of the simulation, when people found out they weren't going to be getting breakfast, they were really angry. i suppose that makes the point even stronger, not only about the differences in class (where for some, having breakfast really is a priveledge) but also the obvious differences in quality of nutrition available.
durring the break, many allies went straight to mcdonald's, even though some of them were complaining loudly about the quality of food available in the community only last week. i got frustrated again, because i'm tired of hearing people complain, only to go right back and perpetuate the cycle they are bitching about.
people really do go hungry right here, people can't afford to live a fair life. i think we forget sometimes that as allies, we are fortunate to have decent paying jobs, and for that matter, the opportunity to have this chance. most of us aren't responsible for an entire family, and even if we are, we get foodshare benefits. we all make enough to make ends meet, if we live within our means.
we may not be rich, but we've got something.
friday training this week started everyone of with a surprise.
well, almost everyone. reading over the scoop (the ally newsletter that keeps us up to date on training locations and topics, as well as assorted ally news) i noticed that we would be having a training on classism. rather than a particular ally be responsible for bringing snacks, public allies would be feeding us.
this immediately sent up a red flag. after being in public allies for this long, i know every promise comes with some tricky lesson. rather than leaving it to chance, i prepared myself a delicious breakfast and arrived promptly at 9:00, coffee cup in hand.
as we were ushered into the training space by dave (who, by the way, was dressed in a fashion that as quite reminiscent of the monopoly man), we were to pull a piece of paper out of his top hat. 5 groups were indicated on the papers and so we were arranged.
it was immediately apparent what would be happening. the first table was set with an assortment of breakfast condiments and beverages. the second table had cereal boxes on them, andthe 3 tables further in succession were set with slips of paper. as we filed into place, or alternately, were curtly escorted to them by a pushy monopoly man, the ruckus began.
the program managers brought out 3 glasses of milk, an orange, and a big bowl of brown rice for the 3 tables in the back portion of the room, most of which had at least 5 people. the table of 4 in front of ours was given coffee and an orange to complement the ceareal. what started the trouble was what was given to the people at the first table.
the fellows brought out pancakes, bacon, and eggs, setting them down courteously in front of the four people in front. something that was strange about the set-up of their table: while the rest of us were sitting in circles or squares, facing our "families," that first table was positioned so each person was looking back at the other tables.
there were six people at my table with me. on the table were sheets of paper informing us about the status of our "family," the dwyers. our fictional family consisted of five: the father, a newly-hired police officer; the mother, who stays at home with the kids; a daughter, high-achieving student and talented musician; a foster daughter, with multiple sclerosis; and a son, envious of the attention his sisters get.
there was another sheet of paper listing our income, expenses, and personal assets(a television, camera, and vcr). a third sheet of paper informed us that our family was living in a rented 3 bedroom on the west side, and that we were in substantial credit card debt. the foster daughter was awarded $500 monthly for care expenses, but later on, would be removed from the home due to charges of neglect resulting in a loss of income and a trip to the welfare office for legal aid.
eventually, everyone who wasn't at that first table started asking when the food was coming. were we going to get bacon too? the first table ate, guiltily at first, but eventually forgot about the rest of us. soon, everything was gone from their table, while the brown rice and cups of milk remained on ours, room-temperature and untouched.
when the program managers started asking questions about how everyone felt, the responses were really interesting. some folks decided that the 1st table was the upper class, the central table was the middle class, and the last tables were the lower class. some noticed that we only spoke to the people in our "families," primarily mumbling about how upset we were.
at the end of the simulation, when people found out they weren't going to be getting breakfast, they were really angry. i suppose that makes the point even stronger, not only about the differences in class (where for some, having breakfast really is a priveledge) but also the obvious differences in quality of nutrition available.
durring the break, many allies went straight to mcdonald's, even though some of them were complaining loudly about the quality of food available in the community only last week. i got frustrated again, because i'm tired of hearing people complain, only to go right back and perpetuate the cycle they are bitching about.
people really do go hungry right here, people can't afford to live a fair life. i think we forget sometimes that as allies, we are fortunate to have decent paying jobs, and for that matter, the opportunity to have this chance. most of us aren't responsible for an entire family, and even if we are, we get foodshare benefits. we all make enough to make ends meet, if we live within our means.
we may not be rich, but we've got something.
rockabilly chili
3/2/08
this weekend was 91.7 wmse's 6th annual rockabilly chili cookoff. some allies took it as a service day and worked the event selling tickets and hawking tee shirts.
i decided to take the early shift to catch up on some of the hours i've been missing from all the court dates. in order to get to the event, i had to ride the bus from my house. on sundays the city bus runs a staggered schedule, so in order for me to get there on time, i left the house at about 6:30. if i'd have made the coffee, i'd never have gotten there.
the event was really great. there was an awesome turnout and the wmse wranglers were once again awesome. there was chili and adult beverages a-plenty, as well as fantastic american music. i will admit, i did shake it a little bit while selling tickets.
it was nice to do some real service work . rather than just sitting around, i sold tickets and helped out the entire day. there were so many people to meet, so much chili to taste. i saw a few other allies, and they looked like they were having a blast too.
according to dictionary dot com, one of the definitions of chili is as follows:
chili (n)
chili (n)
1. ground beef and chili peppers or chili powder often with tomatoes and kidney beans
2. very hot and finely tapering pepper of special pungency
2. very hot and finely tapering pepper of special pungency
well, given that i wasn't partaking any ground beef, i don't know what you'd call what i was eating, but it was great! i had all sorts of vegetarian chili, including pumpkin, eggplant, and avocado varieties! kate was there, laughing every time she heard me insist "i love chili. seriously."
this probably happened every 5 minutes.
the thing was rockin, the food was awesome, the experience was a good one.
here's a picture of the event, can you find me? hint: i'm in a red shirt. it's kind of like where's waldo...
resistance is fertile
2/29/08
"the old lakota was wise. he knew that man's heart away from nature becomes hard; he knew that lack of respect for growing, living things soon led to lack of respect for humans too. "
-chief luther standing bear
today we had an ally-led training about the impact of food on our health and well-being. i think a lot of people take it for granted how something so fundamental can have such a profound effect on all aspects of life.
the team presented on a variety of issues like diabetes, high fructose corn syrup, reading nutrition labels, and the importance of urban gardens. naturally, there is always more to talk about, but i feel that the information presented was comprehensive and informative.
the evil of the day was basically summarized by flamin' hot cheetos. as we struggled with some identifier, i am struggling with my feelings on the topic. i am a believer in conscious nutrition, in movement, and in all forms of self-sufficient existence. we should take care of ourselves and our children by respecting the functions of our bodies. these are our temples, right? why would you fill your temple with garbage only to be surprised by its inevitable decline?
rather than just talk about all the problems, this group took the approach of saying, "these are the problems, and here is the information you need to educate yourselves to make change." for some reason, even this was met with conflict, as most things in our group often are
jackie talked about urban gardens, and also brought seeds to plant. i thought that was an awesome way of saying, "here. now you can do something." but rather than going the route of action, some of the allies poked at her, insisting perfect answers for everything: what if there's lead in your soil? what about war affecting food? why should people bother to eat local or organic? even after she answered the questions to the best of her ability, or suggested the name of an organization of someone who could, one of the allies mouthed, "she doesn't know what she's talking about."
to me, it seems that jackie is one of those allies who lives what she believes in. though she may be quiet, she's always willing to take action when she encounters an injustice. she's also one of the first to offer a helping hand or good suggestion.
to me, it seems that jackie is one of those allies who lives what she believes in. though she may be quiet, she's always willing to take action when she encounters an injustice. she's also one of the first to offer a helping hand or good suggestion.
i find that there are times i am so busy pointing out the flaws of others that i hardly have time to correct my actions. we cannot force change on others, only in ourselves. i think that if we take those small steps, greater things can happen and things can right. having this training reminded me of my grassroots, literally. my first acts of defiance involved plants and nutrition when i became a vegetarian and grew herbs in my bedroom windowsill. it was such a simple act, but looking back on it now sheds a light on how i came to be who i am.
if our bodies are not nourished, how will we find the strength to nourish our minds? if we are irresponsible with the resources the earth has to offer, they will be gone. the key to progress in the truest sense is sustainability, not more progress. there is more than enough here if we can learn to be more self-sufficient.
the very act of gardening is synonymous with freedom. what is more revolutionary than having control of your own life, starting with the food you put onto your table? if it is grown in windowsills or backyard plots, there is no need to worry about what mystery substance is being introduced. there is no high fructose corn syrup, no strange hormone, no trans fat hiding in a bunch of fresh-picked spinach.
what are we waiting for? resistance is indeed fertile.
Tuesday
2/26/08
we had a very successful meeting yesterday at walnut way with sharon and ASSET. though we did end up starting a little late, almost everyone made it out to the meeting. sharon was very kind, supportive of our ideas and excited to work with us. i think we are all pretty excited too. fallicy and michael seemed to be the most excited out of all of us, and were wearing that excitement on their faces.
we reviewed the components of our project, which are as follows:
1. create a history center for walnut way
a. gather and assemble materials for center: photos, music, literature, newspapers, geographical information systems (maps).
b. create interactive, mobile displays. possible additions to displays.
2. plan and execute a reception for history center
a. assemble database of potential tour organizations.
b. invite them to a premier of the center.
3. design tour curriculum
a. create narrative script for volunteer tour guides to use on neighborhood tours.
b. create complimentary brochure for visitors.
another prospective idea was introduced yesterday that would entail creating a special tribute to the houses in walnut way that are all least 100 years old. this would be incorporated in the gis mapping systems part of the project, as well as the virtual and real walking tours.
when we were introducing ourselves to sharon, she wanted to know what our interests in the program were specifically, what we were looking to do or to get out of this project. as we were around, everyone expressed an interest in a particular facet of the project, so it looks like every area of it will have a point person to do things with: art, publicity, organizing, volunteer management, research. we'll also have some student volunteers to assist with the legwork, and ivory black will be helping as a consultant.
something else that really stuck with me about the meeting was the way that sharon wanted to reach out to other members of the community. she's interested in involving the youth and the elders, as well as the area community centers. she's carrying out that asset-based community development.
on the way home, fallicy was so excited, she was practically bouncing around in the back seat. she talked about all the energy and all the potential. i stayed quiet, remembering the looks on each teammate's face, and the power of our project.
we had a very successful meeting yesterday at walnut way with sharon and ASSET. though we did end up starting a little late, almost everyone made it out to the meeting. sharon was very kind, supportive of our ideas and excited to work with us. i think we are all pretty excited too. fallicy and michael seemed to be the most excited out of all of us, and were wearing that excitement on their faces.
we reviewed the components of our project, which are as follows:
1. create a history center for walnut way
a. gather and assemble materials for center: photos, music, literature, newspapers, geographical information systems (maps).
b. create interactive, mobile displays. possible additions to displays.
2. plan and execute a reception for history center
a. assemble database of potential tour organizations.
b. invite them to a premier of the center.
3. design tour curriculum
a. create narrative script for volunteer tour guides to use on neighborhood tours.
b. create complimentary brochure for visitors.
another prospective idea was introduced yesterday that would entail creating a special tribute to the houses in walnut way that are all least 100 years old. this would be incorporated in the gis mapping systems part of the project, as well as the virtual and real walking tours.
when we were introducing ourselves to sharon, she wanted to know what our interests in the program were specifically, what we were looking to do or to get out of this project. as we were around, everyone expressed an interest in a particular facet of the project, so it looks like every area of it will have a point person to do things with: art, publicity, organizing, volunteer management, research. we'll also have some student volunteers to assist with the legwork, and ivory black will be helping as a consultant.
something else that really stuck with me about the meeting was the way that sharon wanted to reach out to other members of the community. she's interested in involving the youth and the elders, as well as the area community centers. she's carrying out that asset-based community development.
on the way home, fallicy was so excited, she was practically bouncing around in the back seat. she talked about all the energy and all the potential. i stayed quiet, remembering the looks on each teammate's face, and the power of our project.
Monday
gift seats
2/25/08
last friday, after the ally-led training on the history and current state of milwaukee public schools, ASSET met at the uwm continuing ed. building for yet another evaluation process known as gift seats.
during this process, everyone in a tsp group is able to give one-on-one feedback to fellow allies. this can be informative and helpful, or plain nasty. i assumed that it would be quite terrible, given the way i've been feeling about the group's response to my presence. that, and whenever we come to a milestone moment in the program, i am wont to think the worst (like mid-year, IDPs, and things like that.)
our gift seat session was actually rather tame, even encouraging. i decided to go first in order to get it over with, and to have a more fair ability to give feedback. i sat at the head of the table, bracing myself.
i imagined this moment to begin with the team tearing into me, offering only negative criticism and disdain, but james spared us by offering up a list of questions. we were allowed to ask each team member 1 question from the list. some of them were:
-what makes me a good public ally?
-what are my assets?
-what are some of the challenges of working with me?
i think the most interesting question was framed very well: would you help me with ____________. this question allowed for you to decide what you needed help with, and to specifically charge a team member to assist you and keep you accountable. more than any of the others, i think this question really opened us up to the reality of the team.
after we all got finished and had a turn at the head of the table, i felt lighter. it's possible that this simple (yet incredibly challenging) exercise allowed us to express ourselves honestly. i noticed that everyone gave feedback to the best of their ability, and did so in a positive manner. even some of the questions that were meant to expose problems were responded to in an encouraging way. this gives me hope for the tsp project.
we're at the halfway point in the program, and i find myself thinking about all the things we've done, some of the feelings i've had. i remember receiving a letter from one of last year's allies. s/he warned me that the process was not going to be easy, but it would be worth it, and it would probably change my life. i don't think i put too much stock into that at first. as this whole thing continues and i interact with more people on an individual level, i'm coming to see that couldn't be more true. laying my expectations aside, i am finding it easier to embrace what is actually happening. things are less negative for me; it's easier to deal with the bad things and easier to be grateful for the good ones. every person is an asset, every moment is a lesson.
just because the solutions of problems are not visible at any particular time does not mean that those problems will never be alleviated -- or confined to tolerable dimensions. history has a way of changing the very terms in which problems operate and of leaving them, in the end, unsolved, to be sure, yet strangely deflated of their original meaning and importance.
-m. i. abramowitz
last friday, after the ally-led training on the history and current state of milwaukee public schools, ASSET met at the uwm continuing ed. building for yet another evaluation process known as gift seats.
during this process, everyone in a tsp group is able to give one-on-one feedback to fellow allies. this can be informative and helpful, or plain nasty. i assumed that it would be quite terrible, given the way i've been feeling about the group's response to my presence. that, and whenever we come to a milestone moment in the program, i am wont to think the worst (like mid-year, IDPs, and things like that.)
our gift seat session was actually rather tame, even encouraging. i decided to go first in order to get it over with, and to have a more fair ability to give feedback. i sat at the head of the table, bracing myself.
i imagined this moment to begin with the team tearing into me, offering only negative criticism and disdain, but james spared us by offering up a list of questions. we were allowed to ask each team member 1 question from the list. some of them were:
-what makes me a good public ally?
-what are my assets?
-what are some of the challenges of working with me?
i think the most interesting question was framed very well: would you help me with ____________. this question allowed for you to decide what you needed help with, and to specifically charge a team member to assist you and keep you accountable. more than any of the others, i think this question really opened us up to the reality of the team.
after we all got finished and had a turn at the head of the table, i felt lighter. it's possible that this simple (yet incredibly challenging) exercise allowed us to express ourselves honestly. i noticed that everyone gave feedback to the best of their ability, and did so in a positive manner. even some of the questions that were meant to expose problems were responded to in an encouraging way. this gives me hope for the tsp project.
we're at the halfway point in the program, and i find myself thinking about all the things we've done, some of the feelings i've had. i remember receiving a letter from one of last year's allies. s/he warned me that the process was not going to be easy, but it would be worth it, and it would probably change my life. i don't think i put too much stock into that at first. as this whole thing continues and i interact with more people on an individual level, i'm coming to see that couldn't be more true. laying my expectations aside, i am finding it easier to embrace what is actually happening. things are less negative for me; it's easier to deal with the bad things and easier to be grateful for the good ones. every person is an asset, every moment is a lesson.
just because the solutions of problems are not visible at any particular time does not mean that those problems will never be alleviated -- or confined to tolerable dimensions. history has a way of changing the very terms in which problems operate and of leaving them, in the end, unsolved, to be sure, yet strangely deflated of their original meaning and importance.
-m. i. abramowitz
Wednesday
action and passive aggression
2/20/08
"one man may hit the mark, another blunder; but heed not these distinctions. only from the alliance of the one, working with and through the other, are great things born.'
-antoine de saint-exupery
my head is spinning. the past week or so has been terribly busy. there have been meetings and trainings and phone calls. everything is rolling right along, and i'm tired, but it's alright. i'm getting prospective job opportunities as well as doing a ton of networking events.
so far, it seems like i've been doing a lot of complaining. there have been a lot of external factors in this, in addition to my dissatisfaction with what i thought the program was going to be. i've recently had another eureka moment: it really is what you make of it. for example, i came into public allies expecting this whirlwind of life-changing opportunity, ferocious activism, and lifelong camaraderie. as a result of my expectations, i was comparing what was actually going on to what i thought should be going on and felt disappointed that i wasn't able to do more.
but who's been stopping me from doing more? certainly not public allies. in fact, it's been a key to the city. when i say, "i'm an ally," people give me the opportunity to do whatever it is i'm trying to do. public allies has put me in a position to move, and it seems like people take me seriously now. it was my mistake to think i knew what was supposed to happen, and as a result, my fault for not getting where i wanted to be.
obviously, i've been giving all of this a lot of thought.
something else i have been giving a lot of thought to is the general process of the tsp project. i've been to every meeting, taken notes, and done incredible work in preparing documents, but my team has a palpable disdain for me. when i make a suggestion, i'm immediately attacked, only to hear the same suggestion made by someone else ten minutes later.
at first, i thought everyone was just out to get me, but after i while, i came to the conclusion that i was the cause of some of the aggression. i've been working on a lot of personal stuff since mid-year (particularly, being over-bearing) and made an effort to tone it down a bit. now, i feel i'm functioning at a stellar level, but more than ever i can sense the anger from my teammates.
sunday was a bad day weather-wise, and i had to drive back from racine after spending the weekend with samadhi. about ten, i called one of my teammates and told him i might not be able to make it to the meeting because my mom didn't want me to drive in the fog and freeze. i stayed until about 2 pm.
when i arrived home, it was already 2:30 (the time the meeting was scheduled to begin) so i decided to stay home and spare myself the disaster of driving again. i got a phone call from a team member asking about another member's number. i gave her the number and explained what was happening with me. she said that was fine, and we hung up.
as soon as i hung up the phone, something shifted inside, and i felt like i had to get to that meeting. i got into my aunt's car and headed downtown, keeping an eye out for other allies waiting for busses along the way.
the group was in convening in an apartment in some downtown lofts, so i caught the elevator up to the 14th floor and headed in. as i opened the door, i felt so much anger that i actually got sick to my stomach. it was as if no one wanted me there at all, and i actually felt that i shouldn't have come at all.
i apologized for being late, and sat down uncomfortably. fallicy, one of the team members smiled at me and told me she was happy i could make it. that was reassuring, considering the tone of the room.
we had the meeting, and after everyone left, i asked what was going on. turns out, my instincts were right on. people were upset that i was going to miss the meeting simply because they'd come. they didn't want my contribution, they didn't care about any of the work. it was about having to be accountable in spite of the fact that i've been more than dedicated.
the whole thing made me upset. i know people were saying things about my character before i waled into the door, but fell silent as soon as i was there to stand for myself. i wish someone would have said something to me, rather than being so passive aggresive about the whole situation. since we've had all this training on expressing thoughts and ideas, why can't we use it in our groups? what about when we aren't in public allies anymore? isn't this the best place to practice using these tools, and to incorporate authentic communication into our everyday lives?
water rolls off the backs of ducks; they float along in spite of the rain.
"one man may hit the mark, another blunder; but heed not these distinctions. only from the alliance of the one, working with and through the other, are great things born.'
-antoine de saint-exupery
my head is spinning. the past week or so has been terribly busy. there have been meetings and trainings and phone calls. everything is rolling right along, and i'm tired, but it's alright. i'm getting prospective job opportunities as well as doing a ton of networking events.
so far, it seems like i've been doing a lot of complaining. there have been a lot of external factors in this, in addition to my dissatisfaction with what i thought the program was going to be. i've recently had another eureka moment: it really is what you make of it. for example, i came into public allies expecting this whirlwind of life-changing opportunity, ferocious activism, and lifelong camaraderie. as a result of my expectations, i was comparing what was actually going on to what i thought should be going on and felt disappointed that i wasn't able to do more.
but who's been stopping me from doing more? certainly not public allies. in fact, it's been a key to the city. when i say, "i'm an ally," people give me the opportunity to do whatever it is i'm trying to do. public allies has put me in a position to move, and it seems like people take me seriously now. it was my mistake to think i knew what was supposed to happen, and as a result, my fault for not getting where i wanted to be.
obviously, i've been giving all of this a lot of thought.
something else i have been giving a lot of thought to is the general process of the tsp project. i've been to every meeting, taken notes, and done incredible work in preparing documents, but my team has a palpable disdain for me. when i make a suggestion, i'm immediately attacked, only to hear the same suggestion made by someone else ten minutes later.
at first, i thought everyone was just out to get me, but after i while, i came to the conclusion that i was the cause of some of the aggression. i've been working on a lot of personal stuff since mid-year (particularly, being over-bearing) and made an effort to tone it down a bit. now, i feel i'm functioning at a stellar level, but more than ever i can sense the anger from my teammates.
sunday was a bad day weather-wise, and i had to drive back from racine after spending the weekend with samadhi. about ten, i called one of my teammates and told him i might not be able to make it to the meeting because my mom didn't want me to drive in the fog and freeze. i stayed until about 2 pm.
when i arrived home, it was already 2:30 (the time the meeting was scheduled to begin) so i decided to stay home and spare myself the disaster of driving again. i got a phone call from a team member asking about another member's number. i gave her the number and explained what was happening with me. she said that was fine, and we hung up.
as soon as i hung up the phone, something shifted inside, and i felt like i had to get to that meeting. i got into my aunt's car and headed downtown, keeping an eye out for other allies waiting for busses along the way.
the group was in convening in an apartment in some downtown lofts, so i caught the elevator up to the 14th floor and headed in. as i opened the door, i felt so much anger that i actually got sick to my stomach. it was as if no one wanted me there at all, and i actually felt that i shouldn't have come at all.
i apologized for being late, and sat down uncomfortably. fallicy, one of the team members smiled at me and told me she was happy i could make it. that was reassuring, considering the tone of the room.
we had the meeting, and after everyone left, i asked what was going on. turns out, my instincts were right on. people were upset that i was going to miss the meeting simply because they'd come. they didn't want my contribution, they didn't care about any of the work. it was about having to be accountable in spite of the fact that i've been more than dedicated.
the whole thing made me upset. i know people were saying things about my character before i waled into the door, but fell silent as soon as i was there to stand for myself. i wish someone would have said something to me, rather than being so passive aggresive about the whole situation. since we've had all this training on expressing thoughts and ideas, why can't we use it in our groups? what about when we aren't in public allies anymore? isn't this the best place to practice using these tools, and to incorporate authentic communication into our everyday lives?
water rolls off the backs of ducks; they float along in spite of the rain.
Monday
ivory black, remembering bronzeville
2/18/08
president's day, red cross is closed for business (on the business end anywho). i went to big step with fallicy, and also attended a chat and chew session (lunch and discussion) at marquette university titled "my black history: remembering bronzeville."
the event was only an hour long, so there are still so many things to ask. the session was facilitated by miss ivory abena black, author of bronzeville, a milwaukee lifestyle. it was a great session, touching on a lot of the issues we've already covered in friday trainings, as well as linking them together for a more comprehensive picture of how any form of oppression leads to more oppression.
not only does it relate to our trainings directly, but to the ASSET tsp project over at walnut way. miss black is the only african american anthropologist in wisconsin who focuses specifically on the bronzeville area, which overlaps into the walnut way neighborhood. in fact, some of her research was done in conjuction with an oral narratives project out of walnut way.
i will be meeting tomorrow with miss black as well as patricia diggs to see if we can't collaborate on some things, including the cumination of research for the center for neighborhood history. it's great that we have such incredible assets within the community to turn to. without them, i doubt we'd be able to make this thing happen.
president's day, red cross is closed for business (on the business end anywho). i went to big step with fallicy, and also attended a chat and chew session (lunch and discussion) at marquette university titled "my black history: remembering bronzeville."
the event was only an hour long, so there are still so many things to ask. the session was facilitated by miss ivory abena black, author of bronzeville, a milwaukee lifestyle. it was a great session, touching on a lot of the issues we've already covered in friday trainings, as well as linking them together for a more comprehensive picture of how any form of oppression leads to more oppression.
not only does it relate to our trainings directly, but to the ASSET tsp project over at walnut way. miss black is the only african american anthropologist in wisconsin who focuses specifically on the bronzeville area, which overlaps into the walnut way neighborhood. in fact, some of her research was done in conjuction with an oral narratives project out of walnut way.
i will be meeting tomorrow with miss black as well as patricia diggs to see if we can't collaborate on some things, including the cumination of research for the center for neighborhood history. it's great that we have such incredible assets within the community to turn to. without them, i doubt we'd be able to make this thing happen.
Saturday
conflict resolution and ASSET
2/16/08
the week has been interesting and strange. my boss, veronica, has been out all week with a tooth surgery, and i've been in the office working really hard on my team service project with walnut way in preparation for the TSP review panel.
the first part of our training was in this beautiful house owned by a former teacher/police officer/current musician, and overall really interesting guy. i got there really early and ran into an old poetry acquaintance named eric, coincidentally a former ally, who also lived there. he invited me into the space and told me to make myself at home. i found myself a chair, and took in a deep breath. sitting there in the quiet, not having to rush, was fantastic. i sat in the sunlight in a corner of the room and took everything in. i felt like i could actually relax. i was so content, i wishing we didn't have to have training there to wreck the vibe.
announcements brought some news. first, we have an intern (?) at public allies. i believe his name is either john or dan (i'm terriblewith names) and he is a sociology major at uwm. it was kind of alarming to me to have a new person permanently inducted into the "process" we all started back in september. i am curious to see how active he'll be in the trainings and service days, and also to see what it means to have him around in general.
the second announcement was a little suprising. kim from uwm school of continuing education came in and started talking about the program. i feel very much like "those people" to him when he comes around. he's sort of in charge of the show since we partnered up with uwm continuing ed, but i don't think he gets it. in fact, he always mentions that he feels very awkward after speaking to us. for me, it's as if we are under glass performing.
well, he got up and started talking at great length, alluding to some new direction in our executive director crisis. suddenly, kate is standing up next to me, quietly. here it comes, she's gonna do it, i think to myself. she's wearing a blazer and has her hands behind her back, clasping an envelope.
it took a long time for him to get around to it, but he announced that kate would, in fact become the new executive director starting immediately. something else i felt was a subtle shift in the way the group was receiving her, as well as the way she held herself. i can't explain to much more of that, so i'll have to think about it a little more. i think the group was very surprised, particularly her tsp team. (she will no longer be responsible for their progress, or whatever it would be called.
i have mixed feelings about the whole bit. it isn't to say that she can't do it. i think kate's neat, but i was worried about one thing in particular: when someone would ask her a question, she'd get into the answering section. then, kim would cut her off and say exactly what kate said, as if though his saying it really made it valid. i thought immediately back to our sexism trainging, and to a number of discussions we've had personally. yes, i understand it must be a great honor to recieve some recognition, but why the hell was she letting him do that to her, especially in front of all of us?
sigh.
onto the training. we saw a video on a public allies fellowship opportunity at eagle rock school. it seemed very much like walden, the school i went to from middle to high school. it's a year-long commitment, and i wish i could do it, but i am not able to commit to something like that right now. the actual training on conflict resolution was hosted by olu. the training was nice. there's a certian way he spoke that was very soothing, the way his breath was encapsulated in each word. elaina mentioned that she hadn't been in a house in so long, and that it felt very good to be in someone's home. i think she was right, because it seemed like this was the first time our training space was really conducive to us getting into the session.
olu did a few activities with us, but the one i liked best was a dice game. he made up situations where someone would typically get really upset. what he had individuals do was roll 2 dice to determine how they would handle the situation. if they would handle the situation with agression, they had to roll between a one and a four; if they were going to avoid the situation, they needed to roll between a one and and eight. lastly, if they were going to try the conflict resolution, they needed to roll between a one and twelve.
strangely enough, the two folks in our group both chose to handle the situations with agression. both failed.
the next part of the day was our TSP review panel. it was comprised of the male fellows, a program manager (a different one for each session), and a former ally. shana mccombs was there, but shana lucas was nowhere to be seen. it wasn't discussed, no one offered any explanation.
the first group went, they seemed to have everything figured out, but were kind of indifferent to the project. they are doing a gardening development project that seems pretty neat.
our group was second. i was nervous about the whole ordeal, since many of our team members are indifferent to the project and have no idea where we are. (we've never had a tsp meeting where everyone was present. it's been frustrating.) initially, i was just going to keep the project really under wraps from anyone who hadn't bothered to invest anything into it. i couldn't do it. before we went up, i grabbed the tsp binder from my office and passed the proposal around for folks to get a good look at.
in spite of the minimal preparedness, i'd say our group kicked ass. seriously. i was surprised/relieved. everyone was really passionate about the project, especially when we were questioned about the relevance of the service aspect of the project. it was the first time i think i felt like we were actually a team. part of that was awesome, but another part of it was dissapointing.
i was really happy with my work. the porfolio was really helpful and gave the whole project a very professional approach. i will have an awesome portfolio. i also think that james did a really great job of preparing us, and so i had a better idea of what to expect. as a result, we came of polished and confident, not as if each inquisition were an attack.
i'm looking forward to doing this project, and have poured a lot of hard work into it. i feel that there are a lot of resources we haven't even gotten around to exploring. another really great thing about this is that it's really serving a need to preserve the local heritage of black america. i can't wait to see the finished result.
the week has been interesting and strange. my boss, veronica, has been out all week with a tooth surgery, and i've been in the office working really hard on my team service project with walnut way in preparation for the TSP review panel.
the first part of our training was in this beautiful house owned by a former teacher/police officer/current musician, and overall really interesting guy. i got there really early and ran into an old poetry acquaintance named eric, coincidentally a former ally, who also lived there. he invited me into the space and told me to make myself at home. i found myself a chair, and took in a deep breath. sitting there in the quiet, not having to rush, was fantastic. i sat in the sunlight in a corner of the room and took everything in. i felt like i could actually relax. i was so content, i wishing we didn't have to have training there to wreck the vibe.
announcements brought some news. first, we have an intern (?) at public allies. i believe his name is either john or dan (i'm terriblewith names) and he is a sociology major at uwm. it was kind of alarming to me to have a new person permanently inducted into the "process" we all started back in september. i am curious to see how active he'll be in the trainings and service days, and also to see what it means to have him around in general.
the second announcement was a little suprising. kim from uwm school of continuing education came in and started talking about the program. i feel very much like "those people" to him when he comes around. he's sort of in charge of the show since we partnered up with uwm continuing ed, but i don't think he gets it. in fact, he always mentions that he feels very awkward after speaking to us. for me, it's as if we are under glass performing.
well, he got up and started talking at great length, alluding to some new direction in our executive director crisis. suddenly, kate is standing up next to me, quietly. here it comes, she's gonna do it, i think to myself. she's wearing a blazer and has her hands behind her back, clasping an envelope.
it took a long time for him to get around to it, but he announced that kate would, in fact become the new executive director starting immediately. something else i felt was a subtle shift in the way the group was receiving her, as well as the way she held herself. i can't explain to much more of that, so i'll have to think about it a little more. i think the group was very surprised, particularly her tsp team. (she will no longer be responsible for their progress, or whatever it would be called.
i have mixed feelings about the whole bit. it isn't to say that she can't do it. i think kate's neat, but i was worried about one thing in particular: when someone would ask her a question, she'd get into the answering section. then, kim would cut her off and say exactly what kate said, as if though his saying it really made it valid. i thought immediately back to our sexism trainging, and to a number of discussions we've had personally. yes, i understand it must be a great honor to recieve some recognition, but why the hell was she letting him do that to her, especially in front of all of us?
sigh.
onto the training. we saw a video on a public allies fellowship opportunity at eagle rock school. it seemed very much like walden, the school i went to from middle to high school. it's a year-long commitment, and i wish i could do it, but i am not able to commit to something like that right now. the actual training on conflict resolution was hosted by olu. the training was nice. there's a certian way he spoke that was very soothing, the way his breath was encapsulated in each word. elaina mentioned that she hadn't been in a house in so long, and that it felt very good to be in someone's home. i think she was right, because it seemed like this was the first time our training space was really conducive to us getting into the session.
olu did a few activities with us, but the one i liked best was a dice game. he made up situations where someone would typically get really upset. what he had individuals do was roll 2 dice to determine how they would handle the situation. if they would handle the situation with agression, they had to roll between a one and a four; if they were going to avoid the situation, they needed to roll between a one and and eight. lastly, if they were going to try the conflict resolution, they needed to roll between a one and twelve.
strangely enough, the two folks in our group both chose to handle the situations with agression. both failed.
the next part of the day was our TSP review panel. it was comprised of the male fellows, a program manager (a different one for each session), and a former ally. shana mccombs was there, but shana lucas was nowhere to be seen. it wasn't discussed, no one offered any explanation.
the first group went, they seemed to have everything figured out, but were kind of indifferent to the project. they are doing a gardening development project that seems pretty neat.
our group was second. i was nervous about the whole ordeal, since many of our team members are indifferent to the project and have no idea where we are. (we've never had a tsp meeting where everyone was present. it's been frustrating.) initially, i was just going to keep the project really under wraps from anyone who hadn't bothered to invest anything into it. i couldn't do it. before we went up, i grabbed the tsp binder from my office and passed the proposal around for folks to get a good look at.
in spite of the minimal preparedness, i'd say our group kicked ass. seriously. i was surprised/relieved. everyone was really passionate about the project, especially when we were questioned about the relevance of the service aspect of the project. it was the first time i think i felt like we were actually a team. part of that was awesome, but another part of it was dissapointing.
i was really happy with my work. the porfolio was really helpful and gave the whole project a very professional approach. i will have an awesome portfolio. i also think that james did a really great job of preparing us, and so i had a better idea of what to expect. as a result, we came of polished and confident, not as if each inquisition were an attack.
i'm looking forward to doing this project, and have poured a lot of hard work into it. i feel that there are a lot of resources we haven't even gotten around to exploring. another really great thing about this is that it's really serving a need to preserve the local heritage of black america. i can't wait to see the finished result.
Tuesday
charmed, i'm sure.
2/12/08
i got the internship. seriuosly, i really got it. what internship, you ask? if you aren't dedicated to each and every post i've made in this blog, as well as my other, i will refresh your memory. i applied for citigal's charm school internship (you can read my essay here) a few days ago. when i opened my email this morning, i found a simple acceptance letter stating that not only would i be participating in the charm school, but that my essay is going to be published in the march issue of citigal magazine!
i've been panicking all morning. not only am i doing this, but i'm getting my first technical byline! i've been writing more, having been inspired by michelle dobbs' entry in the amazon competition. for me, it's always hard to write with the intention of sending something out. the fear of success is sometimes more paralyzing than the fear of failure, and so many of my pieces sit quietly in boxes.
i am feeling a million things at once right now. i suppose the overwhelming feeling has to do with the fact that things really are starting to work out. since the beginning of this program, and even before, i've been working to show that i'm worth the trouble. the proof is starting to surface in a visible way.
tonight, i'm headed to a networking event at the italian community center put on by the association for women in communications. there will be women all around to talk to about my portfolio and resume, as well as seemingly obvious things that i have no idea about (read: how to dress for work and interviewing. veronica tells me jeans with holes in them are unacceptable.) i think there will also be ladies talking about personal finances (something i've always been very interested in) and finding a mentor.
this is amazing. amazing. i was telling james yesterday in my IDP that i feel i haven't had a real opportunity to do what i'm good at yet. i talked to him about my disillusionment with the nonprofit sector, because even when you work hard, there really isn't any recognition. i am eating my words, and that's quite alright with me.
"if at first you don't succeed, try, try again. then quit. there's no use being a damn fool about it."
-w.c. fields
i got the internship. seriuosly, i really got it. what internship, you ask? if you aren't dedicated to each and every post i've made in this blog, as well as my other, i will refresh your memory. i applied for citigal's charm school internship (you can read my essay here) a few days ago. when i opened my email this morning, i found a simple acceptance letter stating that not only would i be participating in the charm school, but that my essay is going to be published in the march issue of citigal magazine!
i've been panicking all morning. not only am i doing this, but i'm getting my first technical byline! i've been writing more, having been inspired by michelle dobbs' entry in the amazon competition. for me, it's always hard to write with the intention of sending something out. the fear of success is sometimes more paralyzing than the fear of failure, and so many of my pieces sit quietly in boxes.
i am feeling a million things at once right now. i suppose the overwhelming feeling has to do with the fact that things really are starting to work out. since the beginning of this program, and even before, i've been working to show that i'm worth the trouble. the proof is starting to surface in a visible way.
tonight, i'm headed to a networking event at the italian community center put on by the association for women in communications. there will be women all around to talk to about my portfolio and resume, as well as seemingly obvious things that i have no idea about (read: how to dress for work and interviewing. veronica tells me jeans with holes in them are unacceptable.) i think there will also be ladies talking about personal finances (something i've always been very interested in) and finding a mentor.
this is amazing. amazing. i was telling james yesterday in my IDP that i feel i haven't had a real opportunity to do what i'm good at yet. i talked to him about my disillusionment with the nonprofit sector, because even when you work hard, there really isn't any recognition. i am eating my words, and that's quite alright with me.
"if at first you don't succeed, try, try again. then quit. there's no use being a damn fool about it."
-w.c. fields
Thursday
snow in the year of the rat
2/7/08
“adversity draws men together and produces beauty and harmony in life's relationships, just as the cold of winter produces ice-flowers on the window-panes, which vanish with the warmth.”
-kierkegaard
beneath the blanket of snow, the city is bustling, bustling. all is pristine and glistening. cars are jammed face-first into snow drifts, tires spin in vain against too-slick city streets. this is the winter that i like to see.
the busses were packed this morning, most people probably abandoned the idea of driving to work on half-plowed streets. as a result, the busses were over-full. the brave few who decided to drive inevitably ended up stuck in one fashion or another. some were doomed from the beginning, trapped behind glorious banks of freshly plowed snow. others managed to dig themselves out, only to find their vehicles pulled as if by some magnet into an embankment lining the roads.
the best part of all this for me was watching people's reactions. as i handled my own struggles, trudging through a foot of untamed snow in some areas, i watched drivers signalling to each other, neighbors with shovel and scraper liberating their comrades from the grips of the wintery terror. people were actually helping one another!
on my way to the bus stop, i saw a tiny street where 2 cars were stuck in the snow. one woman was stuck perpendicular as she was trying to go through the alleyway; another fellow's minivan seemed to be perfectly content to spend the remainder of it's days communing with nature. a little ways up the street, a city snowplower abandoned his post and had come to the aid of these two. an additional woman appeared from thin air, and as a team, the four were able to free the vehicles and share in a small victory.
personally, i hate snow. it is everything i disdain wrapped together: cold, wet, and oppressive to my happiness. i will say though, after yesterday's blizzard, i can appreciate my nemesis. it made people work together, even if the goal was something so small as to dig out a car or shovel a neighbor's walkway. after heavy snow, everything is beautiful and it seems that the people smile just a little wider, even if only for a little while.
here's a link for you. have fun.
“adversity draws men together and produces beauty and harmony in life's relationships, just as the cold of winter produces ice-flowers on the window-panes, which vanish with the warmth.”
-kierkegaard
beneath the blanket of snow, the city is bustling, bustling. all is pristine and glistening. cars are jammed face-first into snow drifts, tires spin in vain against too-slick city streets. this is the winter that i like to see.
the busses were packed this morning, most people probably abandoned the idea of driving to work on half-plowed streets. as a result, the busses were over-full. the brave few who decided to drive inevitably ended up stuck in one fashion or another. some were doomed from the beginning, trapped behind glorious banks of freshly plowed snow. others managed to dig themselves out, only to find their vehicles pulled as if by some magnet into an embankment lining the roads.
the best part of all this for me was watching people's reactions. as i handled my own struggles, trudging through a foot of untamed snow in some areas, i watched drivers signalling to each other, neighbors with shovel and scraper liberating their comrades from the grips of the wintery terror. people were actually helping one another!
on my way to the bus stop, i saw a tiny street where 2 cars were stuck in the snow. one woman was stuck perpendicular as she was trying to go through the alleyway; another fellow's minivan seemed to be perfectly content to spend the remainder of it's days communing with nature. a little ways up the street, a city snowplower abandoned his post and had come to the aid of these two. an additional woman appeared from thin air, and as a team, the four were able to free the vehicles and share in a small victory.
personally, i hate snow. it is everything i disdain wrapped together: cold, wet, and oppressive to my happiness. i will say though, after yesterday's blizzard, i can appreciate my nemesis. it made people work together, even if the goal was something so small as to dig out a car or shovel a neighbor's walkway. after heavy snow, everything is beautiful and it seems that the people smile just a little wider, even if only for a little while.
here's a link for you. have fun.
Wednesday
walnut way
2/6/08
it's snowing insanely. we're expected to get anywhere from 10 to 20 inches of snow. i think that's maddness! still, coming in to work today was kind of an adventure. the busses ran on time, i got here at 8 and found out we're shutting her down at noon. nice!
many of the other placements sites are also closed, so i'm not too worried. besides, there are a few things i've got to work on. yesterday, i went over to walnut way to hammer down the details of our teaspoon project.
first, i met with nicole. she showed me around the building, which is a classic home that was rehabilitated by the neighborhood residents (but primarily sharon's husband) to serve as a community center. the places is gorgeous, most of the woodwork is period, salvaged from other homes that have long since been torn down. the house is the office of the walnut way conservation corporation, as well as the headquarters for the fondy farmer's market.
as nicole and i talked out some of the finer issues with the porject, sharon came in. we all sat down and talked about what they want and need, as well as what the ASSET team would be able to provide. i really enjoyed talking to sharon. she was a kind woman with an obvious passion for what she does.
the center has all kinds of programs going to serve the residents, but the most visible one is the gardening stuff, which emphasizes sustainability. walnut way has several production gardens which are used as classrooms for those interested in learning the skills. particularly, the gardens are geared towards educating young people on economics and future: the kids grow and work the garden, sell the produce at market, and ultimately open up banking accounts to manage their own money.
i used to live over in that neighborhood (part time) when i was young. it was rough. now, it seems like things are starting to look up. i had a discussion with sharon about origins of neighborhood folk in particular, a topic of interest to me because my family is from mississippi. she told me that the black folks are a mixture of northerners and southerners, and that even in those splits, there are smaller groups. she said that peoples' gardens reflected their homes, and if the home was good, that was a wonderful thing. she briefly went into a discussion on the views of a sharecropper's outlook on gardening versus someone who grew up remembering their grandparent's fruit orchards.
i encourage anyone interested in seeing asset-based community development in action to check out walnut way. also, one of the things i really liked about their site was a link to a uwm project on multiculturalism. check it out here, and when you're done, head over to walnut way!
it's snowing insanely. we're expected to get anywhere from 10 to 20 inches of snow. i think that's maddness! still, coming in to work today was kind of an adventure. the busses ran on time, i got here at 8 and found out we're shutting her down at noon. nice!
many of the other placements sites are also closed, so i'm not too worried. besides, there are a few things i've got to work on. yesterday, i went over to walnut way to hammer down the details of our teaspoon project.
first, i met with nicole. she showed me around the building, which is a classic home that was rehabilitated by the neighborhood residents (but primarily sharon's husband) to serve as a community center. the places is gorgeous, most of the woodwork is period, salvaged from other homes that have long since been torn down. the house is the office of the walnut way conservation corporation, as well as the headquarters for the fondy farmer's market.
as nicole and i talked out some of the finer issues with the porject, sharon came in. we all sat down and talked about what they want and need, as well as what the ASSET team would be able to provide. i really enjoyed talking to sharon. she was a kind woman with an obvious passion for what she does.
the center has all kinds of programs going to serve the residents, but the most visible one is the gardening stuff, which emphasizes sustainability. walnut way has several production gardens which are used as classrooms for those interested in learning the skills. particularly, the gardens are geared towards educating young people on economics and future: the kids grow and work the garden, sell the produce at market, and ultimately open up banking accounts to manage their own money.i used to live over in that neighborhood (part time) when i was young. it was rough. now, it seems like things are starting to look up. i had a discussion with sharon about origins of neighborhood folk in particular, a topic of interest to me because my family is from mississippi. she told me that the black folks are a mixture of northerners and southerners, and that even in those splits, there are smaller groups. she said that peoples' gardens reflected their homes, and if the home was good, that was a wonderful thing. she briefly went into a discussion on the views of a sharecropper's outlook on gardening versus someone who grew up remembering their grandparent's fruit orchards.
i encourage anyone interested in seeing asset-based community development in action to check out walnut way. also, one of the things i really liked about their site was a link to a uwm project on multiculturalism. check it out here, and when you're done, head over to walnut way!
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