to be a good woman...

5/58/08

fame is a vapor, popularity an accident, riches take wing, and only character endures.
— horace greeley

it's been a while. i know.

i've taken a step back momentarily, in order to preserve the integrity of my intentions. rather than writing an entry and sugar-coating the facts, i decided to hold off and write after i've had a chance to reflect. since my last update, much has happened.

we had an incredible service day at devil's lake state park. we boarded the bus at 6:30 in the morning at uwm continuing ed. the drive was long, but pleasant for me. in between lines of the golden compass, i looked out the window, watching familiar landscape flash by. i am transported to the summer after high school graduation, driving wildly on the freeway to visit my boyfriend's family farm. i remember how i used to time the trip to a blues cd and the beatles' "abbey road." i always pulled into his driveway at the opening notes of her majesty... by mid-day, i found myself atop the worn-down quartzite of the baraboo range pulling garlic mustard up from the roots. the day's sun and hard work made me happy. i felt proud of my physical accomplishments... when will i be able to say "i climbed a mountain today" again?

i have come to see that i am not happy in the situation of team service project. there is no way to ensure accountability or personal integrity. there have been only a few of us working on the project the whole time, and at the last minute, a couple people decided that the work we were doing wasn't appropriate or efficient. rather than attending the meetings and providing constructive input, these folks just complained about everything at the last minute.

q :why didn't someone call them? a:because we are all adults, responsible for our own business. there is also a community email to check, and be accountable that way. there is nothing in my job description that says "call ally x and pester them about the things they said they would do"

q: why don't we do it like this? a: because we started this whole process months ago, and we had a plan and a vision. i understand you'd like to contribute, but you've been given ample opportunity and have decided to add your two cents now, after everything has been nearly finalized. be considerate of the efforts of those who were actually involved, rather than wanting to talk for the sake of hearing your own voice.

i had a blowout with one of my teammates a couple weeks ago. we had a tsp meeting supervised by one of our program managers, and it became really clear that we all detest each other. half of the team wanted to continue meetings without the people who never show up anyway, but i thought that was a bit shady. there was complaining, and some folks still had no idea what was happening in the project.

after criticizing the project they had no part in, i told one of the team mates that things were set the way they were with certain aspects of the project because one or two people were wholly responsible for the research and implementation due to lack of team support. at that moment, i resigned from further activities in the tsp process, and offered all the materials i had gathered over the process. i left the meeting fuming, and got the books out of my car.

when i brought them in to give them to the team, the girl told me to get the f*ck out of her face, and walked into the program manager's office, telling the team she was going to punch me in the face. i walked in, and told her she wouldn't do anything more than continue to complain, the way she had done since we started. then she pushed all the research out of my hands and pushed me into the hall. i was stunned, and the program manager stood there, silent. i don't know who all saw it, but no one moved. his is happening, 2 black girls in an office building, screaming at each other- one physically compromised- as quiet people stare from around cubicle corners. on top of that, no one does anything. everyone is quiet.

i felt like the majority of this program has been for nothing. we are supposed to be training for leadership, not for petty fights over responsibility. as this happened, my teammates stayed silent. i'm sure they gossipped about it over the course of time. i don't think i've built any lasting friendships within the group, primarily due to superficiality and the cliquishness of the whole thing. how can you "be real" with a room full of 30 people who have no respect for each other?

one thing has encouraged me as far as my development is concerned. i got to see was the results of our peer surveys. we took them in the beginning of the year, but for some reason, they were unavailable to us. now that we're at the second round of our assessments, we have a comparative score we can look at. looking over the scores and comments from my teammates, you'd think i was pretty awful. but looking at my pm and supervisory scores, i'd say their evaluations of me are pretty similar to mine, and a more realistic view. i work hard, and am good at what i do. i've been told that my expectations of others are too high, and that's where the problems start. but what are appropriate expectations? it's acceptable to have a standard of integrity.

all of this is only part of where my mind has been. through it, i do know some things about myself. i know that i am who i say i am. nothing more, nothing less. i have personal integrity, drive, and talent. i'm looking forward to the end of the program. while i've made a lot of great connections externally, i can't say i got so much out of my peers. i wish it could have been different for me, but the experience is what you make of it, i guess. i think that i've been more extreme than most, in terms of showing my beliefs, and that's made it hard to find common ground.

i want to be a good woman /and i want, for you to be a good man/ this is why i will be leaving/and this is why, i can’t see you no more/i will miss your heart so tender/and i will love/this love forever/ i don’t want be a bad woman/and i can’t stand to see you be a bad man/ i will miss your heart so tender/and i will love/ this love forever /and this is why i am leaving /and this is why i can’t see you no more /this is why i am lying when i say/ that i don’t love you no more/ 'cause i want (to) be a good woman/ and i want for you to be a good man

5/08/08

it's almost finished. i am so close to being finished.

this last stretch of public allies feels so much like the very end of my senior year of high school. the end is so close, i can almost taste it. the air is warming against my skin. the world is moving around me, and i am beginning to feel that i am contributing to that movement.

each day passes, i wax and wane. there are times i feel i've made a difference, and other times i wish i had done more. looking back on it now, i'm sure there are things i have yet to grasp. but i'm certain i have not missed everything. this seems so cryptic, but the whole of the past 8 months is hard to explain. i've been disgusted, down, elated, ecstatic, confused, empowered, pissed... all this, more even. the way the year has gone is exhausting.

our tsp is starting to pull itself from the mud, taking shape after hours of hard work and frustration. i'm looking forward to see what it will look like. i'm trying to take a more positive approach, more realistic i suppose. after all, i can only change what i am, and what i produce.

this is also the first time that i will not have a job lined up. scary prospect, considering it's not just me i have to worry about-- and everything is so expensive now. food, energy, rent, life. who can afford to stay alive these days.

i suppose it's post-ally jitters. i've made it this far. i'll make it further.

last day at lincoln

4/5/08


this week is my last round of presentations at lincoln avenue elementary school. i must say, i have mixed feelings. i've been going there up to 2 times a month over a period of three days since the beginning of my term.

initially, i hated going to this school; the contact there was difficult for me to deal with due to conflicting personalities. i did enjoy the kids though, and most of the teachers were genuinely interested in seeing their kids learn and grow.

today, as a wrap-up of everything, I pitted the fifth graders against each other in a game of disaster education baseball. the guy's team, the bulls, against the girls team, the milwaukee chicks in an old-fashioned game of wits. it was really fun for a while, the girls playing cautiously against the guys, whose bravado led to more strikes, but inevitably more points.

the competition grew fierce, and i had to use both of the call and responses (if, you can hear my voice, clap once.... and 'ago,' are you listening? and 'ame,' you have my attention.) i warned the class if i had to use the call and response more than three times, the game would have to end. inevitably, at the top of the third inning, it got to be too much. i called the game off on account of the bad weather and retreated to the rear of the room. the guidance counselor took over and continued her lessons.

while waiting to be excused, there was a disturbance. a little black boy was brought, kicking and screaming into the room. the school security guard had his hands behind his back in what looked like an uncomfortable manner. mind you, this is an elementary school. the more the boy struggled, the more the guard held him. a woman followed in, asking the teacher of the classroom if the little boy could stay there, as detention was all full. (apparently, this teacher's class was where they deposited the "problem children.")

as the class continued on, the little boy struggled with the three authority figures who insisted that he settle down. their tones were less than friendly; the more aggressive they became, the more the little boy fought. i was at a loss watching.

eventually, the little boy agreed to sit, so long as no one touched him. the security guard and the woman left, and afterward, the teacher in the classroom apologized for the treatment. he explained that the adults had "no choice" when the child behaved that way. he offered the boy the opportunity to choose a book to read until lunch time. the little boy didn't want to read, but instead asked if he would still be able to go outside for recess. that was all that mattered to him.

before this happened, i had been speaking to the teacher about the state of milwaukee public schools. the teacher went on about the corruption of the higher-ups, the rules, etc. i agreed about most of it. but i have seen so much as an unsuspecting outsider visiting these schools. i have heard teachers screaming at children inappropriately, students running amok in the classrooms. this is what happens when public schools are under-funded, overfilled, and under-staffed by inexperienced teachers.

as the little boy stared stone faced at the wall, i approached him and asked his name. "billy, " he said, staring down at his desk. billy and i talked for a moment, and he let me know slowly what all the fuss was about. he was what the teachers reffered to as a 'problem student,' or 'at-risk.' it turned out that billy was being bothered by another student, but didn't tell his teacher because he thought she would blame him anyway. he resorted to violence, and got into trouble.

i told him i knew how it felt to get labeled as the bad kid- the one who was to blame even if they had nothing to do with the situation. we talked about ways he could have handled the situation, or avoided it altogether. billy was a really nice kid, it seemed, but he was just having a bad time.

i don't know if i'm reading into it too much, but there aren't a lot of black teachers at lincoln. there are caucasian, and hispanic teachers, but very few african americans. i remember what it was like to constantly be yelled at and berated by teachers without an awareness of the cultural differences. they couldn't see beyond the "disruption" to what the real problem was.

in this instance, i found out that this nine-year old second grader couldn't read. i was astonished. he sat at that desk and stared in silence because getting a book would have only frustrated him more. this was why he hadn't been able to pay attention in class, and probably why he was labeled at-risk. but he was in a public school, surrounded by educated people, and this little boy couldn't read!

i grabbed a book, and offered to read it to him. we had a great time talking about the story and discussing the pictures. i showed billy a picture of the milwaukee boat house that matt exposed me to. he loved it. we found a simple picture book, and billy surprised himself by reading a few pages to me. we kept reading until it was time for me to go.

as i was leaving i remembered that lincoln has a boys and girls club , and the CLC program has tutors. i suggested to the teacher that billy get enrolled in that program. it's there for kids like him. as i was leaving, the teacher handed billy not only an application, but an entire page of strange-looking houses freshly printed.

i left smiling. i'm actually sad to say goodbye, but really glad i got to open up a connection between the teacher and student. given the right situation, anyone can be at-risk. on the same note, we can all be better than we ever knew.

"we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."
-oscar wilde