2/26/08
we had a very successful meeting yesterday at walnut way with sharon and ASSET. though we did end up starting a little late, almost everyone made it out to the meeting. sharon was very kind, supportive of our ideas and excited to work with us. i think we are all pretty excited too. fallicy and michael seemed to be the most excited out of all of us, and were wearing that excitement on their faces.
we reviewed the components of our project, which are as follows:
1. create a history center for walnut way
a. gather and assemble materials for center: photos, music, literature, newspapers, geographical information systems (maps).
b. create interactive, mobile displays. possible additions to displays.
2. plan and execute a reception for history center
a. assemble database of potential tour organizations.
b. invite them to a premier of the center.
3. design tour curriculum
a. create narrative script for volunteer tour guides to use on neighborhood tours.
b. create complimentary brochure for visitors.
another prospective idea was introduced yesterday that would entail creating a special tribute to the houses in walnut way that are all least 100 years old. this would be incorporated in the gis mapping systems part of the project, as well as the virtual and real walking tours.
when we were introducing ourselves to sharon, she wanted to know what our interests in the program were specifically, what we were looking to do or to get out of this project. as we were around, everyone expressed an interest in a particular facet of the project, so it looks like every area of it will have a point person to do things with: art, publicity, organizing, volunteer management, research. we'll also have some student volunteers to assist with the legwork, and ivory black will be helping as a consultant.
something else that really stuck with me about the meeting was the way that sharon wanted to reach out to other members of the community. she's interested in involving the youth and the elders, as well as the area community centers. she's carrying out that asset-based community development.
on the way home, fallicy was so excited, she was practically bouncing around in the back seat. she talked about all the energy and all the potential. i stayed quiet, remembering the looks on each teammate's face, and the power of our project.
Tuesday
Monday
gift seats
2/25/08
last friday, after the ally-led training on the history and current state of milwaukee public schools, ASSET met at the uwm continuing ed. building for yet another evaluation process known as gift seats.
during this process, everyone in a tsp group is able to give one-on-one feedback to fellow allies. this can be informative and helpful, or plain nasty. i assumed that it would be quite terrible, given the way i've been feeling about the group's response to my presence. that, and whenever we come to a milestone moment in the program, i am wont to think the worst (like mid-year, IDPs, and things like that.)
our gift seat session was actually rather tame, even encouraging. i decided to go first in order to get it over with, and to have a more fair ability to give feedback. i sat at the head of the table, bracing myself.
i imagined this moment to begin with the team tearing into me, offering only negative criticism and disdain, but james spared us by offering up a list of questions. we were allowed to ask each team member 1 question from the list. some of them were:
-what makes me a good public ally?
-what are my assets?
-what are some of the challenges of working with me?
i think the most interesting question was framed very well: would you help me with ____________. this question allowed for you to decide what you needed help with, and to specifically charge a team member to assist you and keep you accountable. more than any of the others, i think this question really opened us up to the reality of the team.
after we all got finished and had a turn at the head of the table, i felt lighter. it's possible that this simple (yet incredibly challenging) exercise allowed us to express ourselves honestly. i noticed that everyone gave feedback to the best of their ability, and did so in a positive manner. even some of the questions that were meant to expose problems were responded to in an encouraging way. this gives me hope for the tsp project.
we're at the halfway point in the program, and i find myself thinking about all the things we've done, some of the feelings i've had. i remember receiving a letter from one of last year's allies. s/he warned me that the process was not going to be easy, but it would be worth it, and it would probably change my life. i don't think i put too much stock into that at first. as this whole thing continues and i interact with more people on an individual level, i'm coming to see that couldn't be more true. laying my expectations aside, i am finding it easier to embrace what is actually happening. things are less negative for me; it's easier to deal with the bad things and easier to be grateful for the good ones. every person is an asset, every moment is a lesson.
just because the solutions of problems are not visible at any particular time does not mean that those problems will never be alleviated -- or confined to tolerable dimensions. history has a way of changing the very terms in which problems operate and of leaving them, in the end, unsolved, to be sure, yet strangely deflated of their original meaning and importance.
-m. i. abramowitz
last friday, after the ally-led training on the history and current state of milwaukee public schools, ASSET met at the uwm continuing ed. building for yet another evaluation process known as gift seats.
during this process, everyone in a tsp group is able to give one-on-one feedback to fellow allies. this can be informative and helpful, or plain nasty. i assumed that it would be quite terrible, given the way i've been feeling about the group's response to my presence. that, and whenever we come to a milestone moment in the program, i am wont to think the worst (like mid-year, IDPs, and things like that.)
our gift seat session was actually rather tame, even encouraging. i decided to go first in order to get it over with, and to have a more fair ability to give feedback. i sat at the head of the table, bracing myself.
i imagined this moment to begin with the team tearing into me, offering only negative criticism and disdain, but james spared us by offering up a list of questions. we were allowed to ask each team member 1 question from the list. some of them were:
-what makes me a good public ally?
-what are my assets?
-what are some of the challenges of working with me?
i think the most interesting question was framed very well: would you help me with ____________. this question allowed for you to decide what you needed help with, and to specifically charge a team member to assist you and keep you accountable. more than any of the others, i think this question really opened us up to the reality of the team.
after we all got finished and had a turn at the head of the table, i felt lighter. it's possible that this simple (yet incredibly challenging) exercise allowed us to express ourselves honestly. i noticed that everyone gave feedback to the best of their ability, and did so in a positive manner. even some of the questions that were meant to expose problems were responded to in an encouraging way. this gives me hope for the tsp project.
we're at the halfway point in the program, and i find myself thinking about all the things we've done, some of the feelings i've had. i remember receiving a letter from one of last year's allies. s/he warned me that the process was not going to be easy, but it would be worth it, and it would probably change my life. i don't think i put too much stock into that at first. as this whole thing continues and i interact with more people on an individual level, i'm coming to see that couldn't be more true. laying my expectations aside, i am finding it easier to embrace what is actually happening. things are less negative for me; it's easier to deal with the bad things and easier to be grateful for the good ones. every person is an asset, every moment is a lesson.
just because the solutions of problems are not visible at any particular time does not mean that those problems will never be alleviated -- or confined to tolerable dimensions. history has a way of changing the very terms in which problems operate and of leaving them, in the end, unsolved, to be sure, yet strangely deflated of their original meaning and importance.
-m. i. abramowitz
Wednesday
action and passive aggression
2/20/08
"one man may hit the mark, another blunder; but heed not these distinctions. only from the alliance of the one, working with and through the other, are great things born.'
-antoine de saint-exupery
my head is spinning. the past week or so has been terribly busy. there have been meetings and trainings and phone calls. everything is rolling right along, and i'm tired, but it's alright. i'm getting prospective job opportunities as well as doing a ton of networking events.
so far, it seems like i've been doing a lot of complaining. there have been a lot of external factors in this, in addition to my dissatisfaction with what i thought the program was going to be. i've recently had another eureka moment: it really is what you make of it. for example, i came into public allies expecting this whirlwind of life-changing opportunity, ferocious activism, and lifelong camaraderie. as a result of my expectations, i was comparing what was actually going on to what i thought should be going on and felt disappointed that i wasn't able to do more.
but who's been stopping me from doing more? certainly not public allies. in fact, it's been a key to the city. when i say, "i'm an ally," people give me the opportunity to do whatever it is i'm trying to do. public allies has put me in a position to move, and it seems like people take me seriously now. it was my mistake to think i knew what was supposed to happen, and as a result, my fault for not getting where i wanted to be.
obviously, i've been giving all of this a lot of thought.
something else i have been giving a lot of thought to is the general process of the tsp project. i've been to every meeting, taken notes, and done incredible work in preparing documents, but my team has a palpable disdain for me. when i make a suggestion, i'm immediately attacked, only to hear the same suggestion made by someone else ten minutes later.
at first, i thought everyone was just out to get me, but after i while, i came to the conclusion that i was the cause of some of the aggression. i've been working on a lot of personal stuff since mid-year (particularly, being over-bearing) and made an effort to tone it down a bit. now, i feel i'm functioning at a stellar level, but more than ever i can sense the anger from my teammates.
sunday was a bad day weather-wise, and i had to drive back from racine after spending the weekend with samadhi. about ten, i called one of my teammates and told him i might not be able to make it to the meeting because my mom didn't want me to drive in the fog and freeze. i stayed until about 2 pm.
when i arrived home, it was already 2:30 (the time the meeting was scheduled to begin) so i decided to stay home and spare myself the disaster of driving again. i got a phone call from a team member asking about another member's number. i gave her the number and explained what was happening with me. she said that was fine, and we hung up.
as soon as i hung up the phone, something shifted inside, and i felt like i had to get to that meeting. i got into my aunt's car and headed downtown, keeping an eye out for other allies waiting for busses along the way.
the group was in convening in an apartment in some downtown lofts, so i caught the elevator up to the 14th floor and headed in. as i opened the door, i felt so much anger that i actually got sick to my stomach. it was as if no one wanted me there at all, and i actually felt that i shouldn't have come at all.
i apologized for being late, and sat down uncomfortably. fallicy, one of the team members smiled at me and told me she was happy i could make it. that was reassuring, considering the tone of the room.
we had the meeting, and after everyone left, i asked what was going on. turns out, my instincts were right on. people were upset that i was going to miss the meeting simply because they'd come. they didn't want my contribution, they didn't care about any of the work. it was about having to be accountable in spite of the fact that i've been more than dedicated.
the whole thing made me upset. i know people were saying things about my character before i waled into the door, but fell silent as soon as i was there to stand for myself. i wish someone would have said something to me, rather than being so passive aggresive about the whole situation. since we've had all this training on expressing thoughts and ideas, why can't we use it in our groups? what about when we aren't in public allies anymore? isn't this the best place to practice using these tools, and to incorporate authentic communication into our everyday lives?
water rolls off the backs of ducks; they float along in spite of the rain.
"one man may hit the mark, another blunder; but heed not these distinctions. only from the alliance of the one, working with and through the other, are great things born.'
-antoine de saint-exupery
my head is spinning. the past week or so has been terribly busy. there have been meetings and trainings and phone calls. everything is rolling right along, and i'm tired, but it's alright. i'm getting prospective job opportunities as well as doing a ton of networking events.
so far, it seems like i've been doing a lot of complaining. there have been a lot of external factors in this, in addition to my dissatisfaction with what i thought the program was going to be. i've recently had another eureka moment: it really is what you make of it. for example, i came into public allies expecting this whirlwind of life-changing opportunity, ferocious activism, and lifelong camaraderie. as a result of my expectations, i was comparing what was actually going on to what i thought should be going on and felt disappointed that i wasn't able to do more.
but who's been stopping me from doing more? certainly not public allies. in fact, it's been a key to the city. when i say, "i'm an ally," people give me the opportunity to do whatever it is i'm trying to do. public allies has put me in a position to move, and it seems like people take me seriously now. it was my mistake to think i knew what was supposed to happen, and as a result, my fault for not getting where i wanted to be.
obviously, i've been giving all of this a lot of thought.
something else i have been giving a lot of thought to is the general process of the tsp project. i've been to every meeting, taken notes, and done incredible work in preparing documents, but my team has a palpable disdain for me. when i make a suggestion, i'm immediately attacked, only to hear the same suggestion made by someone else ten minutes later.
at first, i thought everyone was just out to get me, but after i while, i came to the conclusion that i was the cause of some of the aggression. i've been working on a lot of personal stuff since mid-year (particularly, being over-bearing) and made an effort to tone it down a bit. now, i feel i'm functioning at a stellar level, but more than ever i can sense the anger from my teammates.
sunday was a bad day weather-wise, and i had to drive back from racine after spending the weekend with samadhi. about ten, i called one of my teammates and told him i might not be able to make it to the meeting because my mom didn't want me to drive in the fog and freeze. i stayed until about 2 pm.
when i arrived home, it was already 2:30 (the time the meeting was scheduled to begin) so i decided to stay home and spare myself the disaster of driving again. i got a phone call from a team member asking about another member's number. i gave her the number and explained what was happening with me. she said that was fine, and we hung up.
as soon as i hung up the phone, something shifted inside, and i felt like i had to get to that meeting. i got into my aunt's car and headed downtown, keeping an eye out for other allies waiting for busses along the way.
the group was in convening in an apartment in some downtown lofts, so i caught the elevator up to the 14th floor and headed in. as i opened the door, i felt so much anger that i actually got sick to my stomach. it was as if no one wanted me there at all, and i actually felt that i shouldn't have come at all.
i apologized for being late, and sat down uncomfortably. fallicy, one of the team members smiled at me and told me she was happy i could make it. that was reassuring, considering the tone of the room.
we had the meeting, and after everyone left, i asked what was going on. turns out, my instincts were right on. people were upset that i was going to miss the meeting simply because they'd come. they didn't want my contribution, they didn't care about any of the work. it was about having to be accountable in spite of the fact that i've been more than dedicated.
the whole thing made me upset. i know people were saying things about my character before i waled into the door, but fell silent as soon as i was there to stand for myself. i wish someone would have said something to me, rather than being so passive aggresive about the whole situation. since we've had all this training on expressing thoughts and ideas, why can't we use it in our groups? what about when we aren't in public allies anymore? isn't this the best place to practice using these tools, and to incorporate authentic communication into our everyday lives?
water rolls off the backs of ducks; they float along in spite of the rain.
Monday
ivory black, remembering bronzeville
2/18/08
president's day, red cross is closed for business (on the business end anywho). i went to big step with fallicy, and also attended a chat and chew session (lunch and discussion) at marquette university titled "my black history: remembering bronzeville."
the event was only an hour long, so there are still so many things to ask. the session was facilitated by miss ivory abena black, author of bronzeville, a milwaukee lifestyle. it was a great session, touching on a lot of the issues we've already covered in friday trainings, as well as linking them together for a more comprehensive picture of how any form of oppression leads to more oppression.
not only does it relate to our trainings directly, but to the ASSET tsp project over at walnut way. miss black is the only african american anthropologist in wisconsin who focuses specifically on the bronzeville area, which overlaps into the walnut way neighborhood. in fact, some of her research was done in conjuction with an oral narratives project out of walnut way.
i will be meeting tomorrow with miss black as well as patricia diggs to see if we can't collaborate on some things, including the cumination of research for the center for neighborhood history. it's great that we have such incredible assets within the community to turn to. without them, i doubt we'd be able to make this thing happen.
president's day, red cross is closed for business (on the business end anywho). i went to big step with fallicy, and also attended a chat and chew session (lunch and discussion) at marquette university titled "my black history: remembering bronzeville."
the event was only an hour long, so there are still so many things to ask. the session was facilitated by miss ivory abena black, author of bronzeville, a milwaukee lifestyle. it was a great session, touching on a lot of the issues we've already covered in friday trainings, as well as linking them together for a more comprehensive picture of how any form of oppression leads to more oppression.
not only does it relate to our trainings directly, but to the ASSET tsp project over at walnut way. miss black is the only african american anthropologist in wisconsin who focuses specifically on the bronzeville area, which overlaps into the walnut way neighborhood. in fact, some of her research was done in conjuction with an oral narratives project out of walnut way.
i will be meeting tomorrow with miss black as well as patricia diggs to see if we can't collaborate on some things, including the cumination of research for the center for neighborhood history. it's great that we have such incredible assets within the community to turn to. without them, i doubt we'd be able to make this thing happen.
Saturday
conflict resolution and ASSET
2/16/08
the week has been interesting and strange. my boss, veronica, has been out all week with a tooth surgery, and i've been in the office working really hard on my team service project with walnut way in preparation for the TSP review panel.
the first part of our training was in this beautiful house owned by a former teacher/police officer/current musician, and overall really interesting guy. i got there really early and ran into an old poetry acquaintance named eric, coincidentally a former ally, who also lived there. he invited me into the space and told me to make myself at home. i found myself a chair, and took in a deep breath. sitting there in the quiet, not having to rush, was fantastic. i sat in the sunlight in a corner of the room and took everything in. i felt like i could actually relax. i was so content, i wishing we didn't have to have training there to wreck the vibe.
announcements brought some news. first, we have an intern (?) at public allies. i believe his name is either john or dan (i'm terriblewith names) and he is a sociology major at uwm. it was kind of alarming to me to have a new person permanently inducted into the "process" we all started back in september. i am curious to see how active he'll be in the trainings and service days, and also to see what it means to have him around in general.
the second announcement was a little suprising. kim from uwm school of continuing education came in and started talking about the program. i feel very much like "those people" to him when he comes around. he's sort of in charge of the show since we partnered up with uwm continuing ed, but i don't think he gets it. in fact, he always mentions that he feels very awkward after speaking to us. for me, it's as if we are under glass performing.
well, he got up and started talking at great length, alluding to some new direction in our executive director crisis. suddenly, kate is standing up next to me, quietly. here it comes, she's gonna do it, i think to myself. she's wearing a blazer and has her hands behind her back, clasping an envelope.
it took a long time for him to get around to it, but he announced that kate would, in fact become the new executive director starting immediately. something else i felt was a subtle shift in the way the group was receiving her, as well as the way she held herself. i can't explain to much more of that, so i'll have to think about it a little more. i think the group was very surprised, particularly her tsp team. (she will no longer be responsible for their progress, or whatever it would be called.
i have mixed feelings about the whole bit. it isn't to say that she can't do it. i think kate's neat, but i was worried about one thing in particular: when someone would ask her a question, she'd get into the answering section. then, kim would cut her off and say exactly what kate said, as if though his saying it really made it valid. i thought immediately back to our sexism trainging, and to a number of discussions we've had personally. yes, i understand it must be a great honor to recieve some recognition, but why the hell was she letting him do that to her, especially in front of all of us?
sigh.
onto the training. we saw a video on a public allies fellowship opportunity at eagle rock school. it seemed very much like walden, the school i went to from middle to high school. it's a year-long commitment, and i wish i could do it, but i am not able to commit to something like that right now. the actual training on conflict resolution was hosted by olu. the training was nice. there's a certian way he spoke that was very soothing, the way his breath was encapsulated in each word. elaina mentioned that she hadn't been in a house in so long, and that it felt very good to be in someone's home. i think she was right, because it seemed like this was the first time our training space was really conducive to us getting into the session.
olu did a few activities with us, but the one i liked best was a dice game. he made up situations where someone would typically get really upset. what he had individuals do was roll 2 dice to determine how they would handle the situation. if they would handle the situation with agression, they had to roll between a one and a four; if they were going to avoid the situation, they needed to roll between a one and and eight. lastly, if they were going to try the conflict resolution, they needed to roll between a one and twelve.
strangely enough, the two folks in our group both chose to handle the situations with agression. both failed.
the next part of the day was our TSP review panel. it was comprised of the male fellows, a program manager (a different one for each session), and a former ally. shana mccombs was there, but shana lucas was nowhere to be seen. it wasn't discussed, no one offered any explanation.
the first group went, they seemed to have everything figured out, but were kind of indifferent to the project. they are doing a gardening development project that seems pretty neat.
our group was second. i was nervous about the whole ordeal, since many of our team members are indifferent to the project and have no idea where we are. (we've never had a tsp meeting where everyone was present. it's been frustrating.) initially, i was just going to keep the project really under wraps from anyone who hadn't bothered to invest anything into it. i couldn't do it. before we went up, i grabbed the tsp binder from my office and passed the proposal around for folks to get a good look at.
in spite of the minimal preparedness, i'd say our group kicked ass. seriously. i was surprised/relieved. everyone was really passionate about the project, especially when we were questioned about the relevance of the service aspect of the project. it was the first time i think i felt like we were actually a team. part of that was awesome, but another part of it was dissapointing.
i was really happy with my work. the porfolio was really helpful and gave the whole project a very professional approach. i will have an awesome portfolio. i also think that james did a really great job of preparing us, and so i had a better idea of what to expect. as a result, we came of polished and confident, not as if each inquisition were an attack.
i'm looking forward to doing this project, and have poured a lot of hard work into it. i feel that there are a lot of resources we haven't even gotten around to exploring. another really great thing about this is that it's really serving a need to preserve the local heritage of black america. i can't wait to see the finished result.
the week has been interesting and strange. my boss, veronica, has been out all week with a tooth surgery, and i've been in the office working really hard on my team service project with walnut way in preparation for the TSP review panel.
the first part of our training was in this beautiful house owned by a former teacher/police officer/current musician, and overall really interesting guy. i got there really early and ran into an old poetry acquaintance named eric, coincidentally a former ally, who also lived there. he invited me into the space and told me to make myself at home. i found myself a chair, and took in a deep breath. sitting there in the quiet, not having to rush, was fantastic. i sat in the sunlight in a corner of the room and took everything in. i felt like i could actually relax. i was so content, i wishing we didn't have to have training there to wreck the vibe.
announcements brought some news. first, we have an intern (?) at public allies. i believe his name is either john or dan (i'm terriblewith names) and he is a sociology major at uwm. it was kind of alarming to me to have a new person permanently inducted into the "process" we all started back in september. i am curious to see how active he'll be in the trainings and service days, and also to see what it means to have him around in general.
the second announcement was a little suprising. kim from uwm school of continuing education came in and started talking about the program. i feel very much like "those people" to him when he comes around. he's sort of in charge of the show since we partnered up with uwm continuing ed, but i don't think he gets it. in fact, he always mentions that he feels very awkward after speaking to us. for me, it's as if we are under glass performing.
well, he got up and started talking at great length, alluding to some new direction in our executive director crisis. suddenly, kate is standing up next to me, quietly. here it comes, she's gonna do it, i think to myself. she's wearing a blazer and has her hands behind her back, clasping an envelope.
it took a long time for him to get around to it, but he announced that kate would, in fact become the new executive director starting immediately. something else i felt was a subtle shift in the way the group was receiving her, as well as the way she held herself. i can't explain to much more of that, so i'll have to think about it a little more. i think the group was very surprised, particularly her tsp team. (she will no longer be responsible for their progress, or whatever it would be called.
i have mixed feelings about the whole bit. it isn't to say that she can't do it. i think kate's neat, but i was worried about one thing in particular: when someone would ask her a question, she'd get into the answering section. then, kim would cut her off and say exactly what kate said, as if though his saying it really made it valid. i thought immediately back to our sexism trainging, and to a number of discussions we've had personally. yes, i understand it must be a great honor to recieve some recognition, but why the hell was she letting him do that to her, especially in front of all of us?
sigh.
onto the training. we saw a video on a public allies fellowship opportunity at eagle rock school. it seemed very much like walden, the school i went to from middle to high school. it's a year-long commitment, and i wish i could do it, but i am not able to commit to something like that right now. the actual training on conflict resolution was hosted by olu. the training was nice. there's a certian way he spoke that was very soothing, the way his breath was encapsulated in each word. elaina mentioned that she hadn't been in a house in so long, and that it felt very good to be in someone's home. i think she was right, because it seemed like this was the first time our training space was really conducive to us getting into the session.
olu did a few activities with us, but the one i liked best was a dice game. he made up situations where someone would typically get really upset. what he had individuals do was roll 2 dice to determine how they would handle the situation. if they would handle the situation with agression, they had to roll between a one and a four; if they were going to avoid the situation, they needed to roll between a one and and eight. lastly, if they were going to try the conflict resolution, they needed to roll between a one and twelve.
strangely enough, the two folks in our group both chose to handle the situations with agression. both failed.
the next part of the day was our TSP review panel. it was comprised of the male fellows, a program manager (a different one for each session), and a former ally. shana mccombs was there, but shana lucas was nowhere to be seen. it wasn't discussed, no one offered any explanation.
the first group went, they seemed to have everything figured out, but were kind of indifferent to the project. they are doing a gardening development project that seems pretty neat.
our group was second. i was nervous about the whole ordeal, since many of our team members are indifferent to the project and have no idea where we are. (we've never had a tsp meeting where everyone was present. it's been frustrating.) initially, i was just going to keep the project really under wraps from anyone who hadn't bothered to invest anything into it. i couldn't do it. before we went up, i grabbed the tsp binder from my office and passed the proposal around for folks to get a good look at.
in spite of the minimal preparedness, i'd say our group kicked ass. seriously. i was surprised/relieved. everyone was really passionate about the project, especially when we were questioned about the relevance of the service aspect of the project. it was the first time i think i felt like we were actually a team. part of that was awesome, but another part of it was dissapointing.
i was really happy with my work. the porfolio was really helpful and gave the whole project a very professional approach. i will have an awesome portfolio. i also think that james did a really great job of preparing us, and so i had a better idea of what to expect. as a result, we came of polished and confident, not as if each inquisition were an attack.
i'm looking forward to doing this project, and have poured a lot of hard work into it. i feel that there are a lot of resources we haven't even gotten around to exploring. another really great thing about this is that it's really serving a need to preserve the local heritage of black america. i can't wait to see the finished result.
Tuesday
charmed, i'm sure.
2/12/08
i got the internship. seriuosly, i really got it. what internship, you ask? if you aren't dedicated to each and every post i've made in this blog, as well as my other, i will refresh your memory. i applied for citigal's charm school internship (you can read my essay here) a few days ago. when i opened my email this morning, i found a simple acceptance letter stating that not only would i be participating in the charm school, but that my essay is going to be published in the march issue of citigal magazine!
i've been panicking all morning. not only am i doing this, but i'm getting my first technical byline! i've been writing more, having been inspired by michelle dobbs' entry in the amazon competition. for me, it's always hard to write with the intention of sending something out. the fear of success is sometimes more paralyzing than the fear of failure, and so many of my pieces sit quietly in boxes.
i am feeling a million things at once right now. i suppose the overwhelming feeling has to do with the fact that things really are starting to work out. since the beginning of this program, and even before, i've been working to show that i'm worth the trouble. the proof is starting to surface in a visible way.
tonight, i'm headed to a networking event at the italian community center put on by the association for women in communications. there will be women all around to talk to about my portfolio and resume, as well as seemingly obvious things that i have no idea about (read: how to dress for work and interviewing. veronica tells me jeans with holes in them are unacceptable.) i think there will also be ladies talking about personal finances (something i've always been very interested in) and finding a mentor.
this is amazing. amazing. i was telling james yesterday in my IDP that i feel i haven't had a real opportunity to do what i'm good at yet. i talked to him about my disillusionment with the nonprofit sector, because even when you work hard, there really isn't any recognition. i am eating my words, and that's quite alright with me.
"if at first you don't succeed, try, try again. then quit. there's no use being a damn fool about it."
-w.c. fields
i got the internship. seriuosly, i really got it. what internship, you ask? if you aren't dedicated to each and every post i've made in this blog, as well as my other, i will refresh your memory. i applied for citigal's charm school internship (you can read my essay here) a few days ago. when i opened my email this morning, i found a simple acceptance letter stating that not only would i be participating in the charm school, but that my essay is going to be published in the march issue of citigal magazine!
i've been panicking all morning. not only am i doing this, but i'm getting my first technical byline! i've been writing more, having been inspired by michelle dobbs' entry in the amazon competition. for me, it's always hard to write with the intention of sending something out. the fear of success is sometimes more paralyzing than the fear of failure, and so many of my pieces sit quietly in boxes.
i am feeling a million things at once right now. i suppose the overwhelming feeling has to do with the fact that things really are starting to work out. since the beginning of this program, and even before, i've been working to show that i'm worth the trouble. the proof is starting to surface in a visible way.
tonight, i'm headed to a networking event at the italian community center put on by the association for women in communications. there will be women all around to talk to about my portfolio and resume, as well as seemingly obvious things that i have no idea about (read: how to dress for work and interviewing. veronica tells me jeans with holes in them are unacceptable.) i think there will also be ladies talking about personal finances (something i've always been very interested in) and finding a mentor.
this is amazing. amazing. i was telling james yesterday in my IDP that i feel i haven't had a real opportunity to do what i'm good at yet. i talked to him about my disillusionment with the nonprofit sector, because even when you work hard, there really isn't any recognition. i am eating my words, and that's quite alright with me.
"if at first you don't succeed, try, try again. then quit. there's no use being a damn fool about it."
-w.c. fields
Thursday
snow in the year of the rat
2/7/08
“adversity draws men together and produces beauty and harmony in life's relationships, just as the cold of winter produces ice-flowers on the window-panes, which vanish with the warmth.”
-kierkegaard
beneath the blanket of snow, the city is bustling, bustling. all is pristine and glistening. cars are jammed face-first into snow drifts, tires spin in vain against too-slick city streets. this is the winter that i like to see.
the busses were packed this morning, most people probably abandoned the idea of driving to work on half-plowed streets. as a result, the busses were over-full. the brave few who decided to drive inevitably ended up stuck in one fashion or another. some were doomed from the beginning, trapped behind glorious banks of freshly plowed snow. others managed to dig themselves out, only to find their vehicles pulled as if by some magnet into an embankment lining the roads.
the best part of all this for me was watching people's reactions. as i handled my own struggles, trudging through a foot of untamed snow in some areas, i watched drivers signalling to each other, neighbors with shovel and scraper liberating their comrades from the grips of the wintery terror. people were actually helping one another!
on my way to the bus stop, i saw a tiny street where 2 cars were stuck in the snow. one woman was stuck perpendicular as she was trying to go through the alleyway; another fellow's minivan seemed to be perfectly content to spend the remainder of it's days communing with nature. a little ways up the street, a city snowplower abandoned his post and had come to the aid of these two. an additional woman appeared from thin air, and as a team, the four were able to free the vehicles and share in a small victory.
personally, i hate snow. it is everything i disdain wrapped together: cold, wet, and oppressive to my happiness. i will say though, after yesterday's blizzard, i can appreciate my nemesis. it made people work together, even if the goal was something so small as to dig out a car or shovel a neighbor's walkway. after heavy snow, everything is beautiful and it seems that the people smile just a little wider, even if only for a little while.
here's a link for you. have fun.
“adversity draws men together and produces beauty and harmony in life's relationships, just as the cold of winter produces ice-flowers on the window-panes, which vanish with the warmth.”
-kierkegaard
beneath the blanket of snow, the city is bustling, bustling. all is pristine and glistening. cars are jammed face-first into snow drifts, tires spin in vain against too-slick city streets. this is the winter that i like to see.
the busses were packed this morning, most people probably abandoned the idea of driving to work on half-plowed streets. as a result, the busses were over-full. the brave few who decided to drive inevitably ended up stuck in one fashion or another. some were doomed from the beginning, trapped behind glorious banks of freshly plowed snow. others managed to dig themselves out, only to find their vehicles pulled as if by some magnet into an embankment lining the roads.
the best part of all this for me was watching people's reactions. as i handled my own struggles, trudging through a foot of untamed snow in some areas, i watched drivers signalling to each other, neighbors with shovel and scraper liberating their comrades from the grips of the wintery terror. people were actually helping one another!
on my way to the bus stop, i saw a tiny street where 2 cars were stuck in the snow. one woman was stuck perpendicular as she was trying to go through the alleyway; another fellow's minivan seemed to be perfectly content to spend the remainder of it's days communing with nature. a little ways up the street, a city snowplower abandoned his post and had come to the aid of these two. an additional woman appeared from thin air, and as a team, the four were able to free the vehicles and share in a small victory.
personally, i hate snow. it is everything i disdain wrapped together: cold, wet, and oppressive to my happiness. i will say though, after yesterday's blizzard, i can appreciate my nemesis. it made people work together, even if the goal was something so small as to dig out a car or shovel a neighbor's walkway. after heavy snow, everything is beautiful and it seems that the people smile just a little wider, even if only for a little while.
here's a link for you. have fun.
Wednesday
walnut way
2/6/08
it's snowing insanely. we're expected to get anywhere from 10 to 20 inches of snow. i think that's maddness! still, coming in to work today was kind of an adventure. the busses ran on time, i got here at 8 and found out we're shutting her down at noon. nice!
many of the other placements sites are also closed, so i'm not too worried. besides, there are a few things i've got to work on. yesterday, i went over to walnut way to hammer down the details of our teaspoon project.
first, i met with nicole. she showed me around the building, which is a classic home that was rehabilitated by the neighborhood residents (but primarily sharon's husband) to serve as a community center. the places is gorgeous, most of the woodwork is period, salvaged from other homes that have long since been torn down. the house is the office of the walnut way conservation corporation, as well as the headquarters for the fondy farmer's market.
as nicole and i talked out some of the finer issues with the porject, sharon came in. we all sat down and talked about what they want and need, as well as what the ASSET team would be able to provide. i really enjoyed talking to sharon. she was a kind woman with an obvious passion for what she does.
the center has all kinds of programs going to serve the residents, but the most visible one is the gardening stuff, which emphasizes sustainability. walnut way has several production gardens which are used as classrooms for those interested in learning the skills. particularly, the gardens are geared towards educating young people on economics and future: the kids grow and work the garden, sell the produce at market, and ultimately open up banking accounts to manage their own money.
i used to live over in that neighborhood (part time) when i was young. it was rough. now, it seems like things are starting to look up. i had a discussion with sharon about origins of neighborhood folk in particular, a topic of interest to me because my family is from mississippi. she told me that the black folks are a mixture of northerners and southerners, and that even in those splits, there are smaller groups. she said that peoples' gardens reflected their homes, and if the home was good, that was a wonderful thing. she briefly went into a discussion on the views of a sharecropper's outlook on gardening versus someone who grew up remembering their grandparent's fruit orchards.
i encourage anyone interested in seeing asset-based community development in action to check out walnut way. also, one of the things i really liked about their site was a link to a uwm project on multiculturalism. check it out here, and when you're done, head over to walnut way!
it's snowing insanely. we're expected to get anywhere from 10 to 20 inches of snow. i think that's maddness! still, coming in to work today was kind of an adventure. the busses ran on time, i got here at 8 and found out we're shutting her down at noon. nice!
many of the other placements sites are also closed, so i'm not too worried. besides, there are a few things i've got to work on. yesterday, i went over to walnut way to hammer down the details of our teaspoon project.
first, i met with nicole. she showed me around the building, which is a classic home that was rehabilitated by the neighborhood residents (but primarily sharon's husband) to serve as a community center. the places is gorgeous, most of the woodwork is period, salvaged from other homes that have long since been torn down. the house is the office of the walnut way conservation corporation, as well as the headquarters for the fondy farmer's market.
as nicole and i talked out some of the finer issues with the porject, sharon came in. we all sat down and talked about what they want and need, as well as what the ASSET team would be able to provide. i really enjoyed talking to sharon. she was a kind woman with an obvious passion for what she does.
the center has all kinds of programs going to serve the residents, but the most visible one is the gardening stuff, which emphasizes sustainability. walnut way has several production gardens which are used as classrooms for those interested in learning the skills. particularly, the gardens are geared towards educating young people on economics and future: the kids grow and work the garden, sell the produce at market, and ultimately open up banking accounts to manage their own money.i used to live over in that neighborhood (part time) when i was young. it was rough. now, it seems like things are starting to look up. i had a discussion with sharon about origins of neighborhood folk in particular, a topic of interest to me because my family is from mississippi. she told me that the black folks are a mixture of northerners and southerners, and that even in those splits, there are smaller groups. she said that peoples' gardens reflected their homes, and if the home was good, that was a wonderful thing. she briefly went into a discussion on the views of a sharecropper's outlook on gardening versus someone who grew up remembering their grandparent's fruit orchards.
i encourage anyone interested in seeing asset-based community development in action to check out walnut way. also, one of the things i really liked about their site was a link to a uwm project on multiculturalism. check it out here, and when you're done, head over to walnut way!
Sunday
constructive criticism?
2/3/08
thinking about the tsp meeting we had friday. we were supposed to do gift seats, but couldn't as one of our members was absent (which happens more often than not, unfortunately.)
fortunately, we were meeting at the red cross. i had all the paperwork up in my office and access to our gmail account, so we had our first full-blown teaspoon.
so far, we've received proposals from two of the twentysomething organizations, and tsp review is only a week and a half away. ine proposal was from walnut way, one from growing power. growing power wants us to do a sort of database for them; so does walnut way. only the latter has more of a service aspect, so i believe we are leaning more that direction.
at the meeting, we talked about the walnut way project, and the whole group got really animated. everyone seemed inspired, ideas flew left and right. notes were taken and flow charts were made. even james remarked how astonished he was to see this level of by-in.
of course, our group inevitably has bumps. the joviality would not last long. as we were deciding how to handle the proposal (and ultimately, the deligate meeting with the organization.) we were in agreement that the process needed formality, and professionalism. some suggested a letter, others were in favor of a presentation.
since i've been pretty hands-off, with the exception of writing the initial RFP, i suggested we do both a letter and a presentation. i thought it would be best if we handled it this way because it's traditional to have both a letter of acceptance (and, consequently, any letters of denial) as well as a memorandum of understanding, which i thought would be well-delivered as a powerpoint.
one of my teammates immediately gnashed her teeth, informing me that i was not the boss of everything. the statement really cut me because i've been working on some issues, one of which was being overbearing or controlling. someone brought it up at midyear, and it's been in the forefront of my mind since, so i've made strong efforts to let everyone be a part of things.
i felt that the comment was unwarrented in this instant, but it was too late. i immediately disengaged. i felt my face flush and nearly broke down in tears. it's hard for me to work when i fell my contributions are not appreciated. i sat silent, barely making eye contact for the remainder of the meeting.
on of the other allies took the initiative to ask us to put the issue aside. i told her i was trying, but couldn't get over how upset i was about the whole thing. i felt like i've worked too hard in any capacity to be spoken to in that manner.
the offending party spoke to me after the meeting, offering an apology and some words that i waasn't too sure how to take. i listened to what she had to say, but i don't know that i feel they were genuine. if they were, what's the next step? and if they weren't, what then?
it's getting to a point in the program where i'm realizing that any sort of positive experience i am going to have personally is entirely up to me. there is no way i can please anyone but myself, and so that is what i'm working to do. so long as i'm not stepping too much on anyone else's toes, that's all i can do to get what i need out of this experience and go about my life with a better understanding of relationships in general.
there's more i feel i will learn in this program, but i'm not sure if it's what i thought i would get, and it's definitely not easy.
thinking about the tsp meeting we had friday. we were supposed to do gift seats, but couldn't as one of our members was absent (which happens more often than not, unfortunately.)
fortunately, we were meeting at the red cross. i had all the paperwork up in my office and access to our gmail account, so we had our first full-blown teaspoon.
so far, we've received proposals from two of the twentysomething organizations, and tsp review is only a week and a half away. ine proposal was from walnut way, one from growing power. growing power wants us to do a sort of database for them; so does walnut way. only the latter has more of a service aspect, so i believe we are leaning more that direction.
at the meeting, we talked about the walnut way project, and the whole group got really animated. everyone seemed inspired, ideas flew left and right. notes were taken and flow charts were made. even james remarked how astonished he was to see this level of by-in.
of course, our group inevitably has bumps. the joviality would not last long. as we were deciding how to handle the proposal (and ultimately, the deligate meeting with the organization.) we were in agreement that the process needed formality, and professionalism. some suggested a letter, others were in favor of a presentation.
since i've been pretty hands-off, with the exception of writing the initial RFP, i suggested we do both a letter and a presentation. i thought it would be best if we handled it this way because it's traditional to have both a letter of acceptance (and, consequently, any letters of denial) as well as a memorandum of understanding, which i thought would be well-delivered as a powerpoint.
one of my teammates immediately gnashed her teeth, informing me that i was not the boss of everything. the statement really cut me because i've been working on some issues, one of which was being overbearing or controlling. someone brought it up at midyear, and it's been in the forefront of my mind since, so i've made strong efforts to let everyone be a part of things.
i felt that the comment was unwarrented in this instant, but it was too late. i immediately disengaged. i felt my face flush and nearly broke down in tears. it's hard for me to work when i fell my contributions are not appreciated. i sat silent, barely making eye contact for the remainder of the meeting.
on of the other allies took the initiative to ask us to put the issue aside. i told her i was trying, but couldn't get over how upset i was about the whole thing. i felt like i've worked too hard in any capacity to be spoken to in that manner.
the offending party spoke to me after the meeting, offering an apology and some words that i waasn't too sure how to take. i listened to what she had to say, but i don't know that i feel they were genuine. if they were, what's the next step? and if they weren't, what then?
it's getting to a point in the program where i'm realizing that any sort of positive experience i am going to have personally is entirely up to me. there is no way i can please anyone but myself, and so that is what i'm working to do. so long as i'm not stepping too much on anyone else's toes, that's all i can do to get what i need out of this experience and go about my life with a better understanding of relationships in general.
there's more i feel i will learn in this program, but i'm not sure if it's what i thought i would get, and it's definitely not easy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
