2/20/08
"one man may hit the mark, another blunder; but heed not these distinctions. only from the alliance of the one, working with and through the other, are great things born.'
-antoine de saint-exupery
my head is spinning. the past week or so has been terribly busy. there have been meetings and trainings and phone calls. everything is rolling right along, and i'm tired, but it's alright. i'm getting prospective job opportunities as well as doing a ton of networking events.
so far, it seems like i've been doing a lot of complaining. there have been a lot of external factors in this, in addition to my dissatisfaction with what i thought the program was going to be. i've recently had another eureka moment: it really is what you make of it. for example, i came into public allies expecting this whirlwind of life-changing opportunity, ferocious activism, and lifelong camaraderie. as a result of my expectations, i was comparing what was actually going on to what i thought should be going on and felt disappointed that i wasn't able to do more.
but who's been stopping me from doing more? certainly not public allies. in fact, it's been a key to the city. when i say, "i'm an ally," people give me the opportunity to do whatever it is i'm trying to do. public allies has put me in a position to move, and it seems like people take me seriously now. it was my mistake to think i knew what was supposed to happen, and as a result, my fault for not getting where i wanted to be.
obviously, i've been giving all of this a lot of thought.
something else i have been giving a lot of thought to is the general process of the tsp project. i've been to every meeting, taken notes, and done incredible work in preparing documents, but my team has a palpable disdain for me. when i make a suggestion, i'm immediately attacked, only to hear the same suggestion made by someone else ten minutes later.
at first, i thought everyone was just out to get me, but after i while, i came to the conclusion that i was the cause of some of the aggression. i've been working on a lot of personal stuff since mid-year (particularly, being over-bearing) and made an effort to tone it down a bit. now, i feel i'm functioning at a stellar level, but more than ever i can sense the anger from my teammates.
sunday was a bad day weather-wise, and i had to drive back from racine after spending the weekend with samadhi. about ten, i called one of my teammates and told him i might not be able to make it to the meeting because my mom didn't want me to drive in the fog and freeze. i stayed until about 2 pm.
when i arrived home, it was already 2:30 (the time the meeting was scheduled to begin) so i decided to stay home and spare myself the disaster of driving again. i got a phone call from a team member asking about another member's number. i gave her the number and explained what was happening with me. she said that was fine, and we hung up.
as soon as i hung up the phone, something shifted inside, and i felt like i had to get to that meeting. i got into my aunt's car and headed downtown, keeping an eye out for other allies waiting for busses along the way.
the group was in convening in an apartment in some downtown lofts, so i caught the elevator up to the 14th floor and headed in. as i opened the door, i felt so much anger that i actually got sick to my stomach. it was as if no one wanted me there at all, and i actually felt that i shouldn't have come at all.
i apologized for being late, and sat down uncomfortably. fallicy, one of the team members smiled at me and told me she was happy i could make it. that was reassuring, considering the tone of the room.
we had the meeting, and after everyone left, i asked what was going on. turns out, my instincts were right on. people were upset that i was going to miss the meeting simply because they'd come. they didn't want my contribution, they didn't care about any of the work. it was about having to be accountable in spite of the fact that i've been more than dedicated.
the whole thing made me upset. i know people were saying things about my character before i waled into the door, but fell silent as soon as i was there to stand for myself. i wish someone would have said something to me, rather than being so passive aggresive about the whole situation. since we've had all this training on expressing thoughts and ideas, why can't we use it in our groups? what about when we aren't in public allies anymore? isn't this the best place to practice using these tools, and to incorporate authentic communication into our everyday lives?
water rolls off the backs of ducks; they float along in spite of the rain.
"one man may hit the mark, another blunder; but heed not these distinctions. only from the alliance of the one, working with and through the other, are great things born.'
-antoine de saint-exupery
my head is spinning. the past week or so has been terribly busy. there have been meetings and trainings and phone calls. everything is rolling right along, and i'm tired, but it's alright. i'm getting prospective job opportunities as well as doing a ton of networking events.
so far, it seems like i've been doing a lot of complaining. there have been a lot of external factors in this, in addition to my dissatisfaction with what i thought the program was going to be. i've recently had another eureka moment: it really is what you make of it. for example, i came into public allies expecting this whirlwind of life-changing opportunity, ferocious activism, and lifelong camaraderie. as a result of my expectations, i was comparing what was actually going on to what i thought should be going on and felt disappointed that i wasn't able to do more.
but who's been stopping me from doing more? certainly not public allies. in fact, it's been a key to the city. when i say, "i'm an ally," people give me the opportunity to do whatever it is i'm trying to do. public allies has put me in a position to move, and it seems like people take me seriously now. it was my mistake to think i knew what was supposed to happen, and as a result, my fault for not getting where i wanted to be.
obviously, i've been giving all of this a lot of thought.
something else i have been giving a lot of thought to is the general process of the tsp project. i've been to every meeting, taken notes, and done incredible work in preparing documents, but my team has a palpable disdain for me. when i make a suggestion, i'm immediately attacked, only to hear the same suggestion made by someone else ten minutes later.
at first, i thought everyone was just out to get me, but after i while, i came to the conclusion that i was the cause of some of the aggression. i've been working on a lot of personal stuff since mid-year (particularly, being over-bearing) and made an effort to tone it down a bit. now, i feel i'm functioning at a stellar level, but more than ever i can sense the anger from my teammates.
sunday was a bad day weather-wise, and i had to drive back from racine after spending the weekend with samadhi. about ten, i called one of my teammates and told him i might not be able to make it to the meeting because my mom didn't want me to drive in the fog and freeze. i stayed until about 2 pm.
when i arrived home, it was already 2:30 (the time the meeting was scheduled to begin) so i decided to stay home and spare myself the disaster of driving again. i got a phone call from a team member asking about another member's number. i gave her the number and explained what was happening with me. she said that was fine, and we hung up.
as soon as i hung up the phone, something shifted inside, and i felt like i had to get to that meeting. i got into my aunt's car and headed downtown, keeping an eye out for other allies waiting for busses along the way.
the group was in convening in an apartment in some downtown lofts, so i caught the elevator up to the 14th floor and headed in. as i opened the door, i felt so much anger that i actually got sick to my stomach. it was as if no one wanted me there at all, and i actually felt that i shouldn't have come at all.
i apologized for being late, and sat down uncomfortably. fallicy, one of the team members smiled at me and told me she was happy i could make it. that was reassuring, considering the tone of the room.
we had the meeting, and after everyone left, i asked what was going on. turns out, my instincts were right on. people were upset that i was going to miss the meeting simply because they'd come. they didn't want my contribution, they didn't care about any of the work. it was about having to be accountable in spite of the fact that i've been more than dedicated.
the whole thing made me upset. i know people were saying things about my character before i waled into the door, but fell silent as soon as i was there to stand for myself. i wish someone would have said something to me, rather than being so passive aggresive about the whole situation. since we've had all this training on expressing thoughts and ideas, why can't we use it in our groups? what about when we aren't in public allies anymore? isn't this the best place to practice using these tools, and to incorporate authentic communication into our everyday lives?
water rolls off the backs of ducks; they float along in spite of the rain.
No comments:
Post a Comment