retreat from the retreat

8/5/07

the beginning of the trip began early, but we ended up late (as usual). my car couldn't handle the weight of 4 people; the wheel well scraped precariously against the tires. amber, rob, arthur and i had to come up with a quick plan. we ditched my car in riverwest and rob* led us the rest of the way. onward we trekked, leaving behind not only excalibur (my poor car), but also the cassette player and wood-jointed snake i found only a day earlier.

we arrived a half-hour late to the retreat. i feel like a serial late-comer, though this time the excuse was actually valid. i'm trying my best, i can only hope it will be good enough. if not, due to circumstances, it may be the undoing of a future.

once we got into the main lodge, we did some general introductory work as well as an icebreaker or two. we paired up and got blindfolded, then threw crumpled-up newspapers at each other. it seems the p.a. are all about the newspaper; apparently, there's a newspaper fashion show tonight.




our second icebreaker involved getting into groups using non-verbal communication based on similar interests or the like (people with glasses, people who like to cook, musicians, etc.). this retreat, perhaps the whole program, seems to have a lot of the same principles as alverno. i'm starting to see why particular aspects are emphasized over others. i think the program and my studies are complimentary; the foundations and philosophies are already beginning to take root in my thought process.

after we discussed fundamental procedures, we talked about the 5 core principles of the program. each one ( diversity and inclusion, continuous learning, focus on assets, collaboration, and integrity) was listed and we stuck post-its with our understanding/goals of each principle on corresponding posters.

following that, there's been a lot of down time to really retreat from reality in the conventional sense. we swam and played frisbee and unwound a bit. after our campfire fashion show, we had more discussions and headed back to the dorms.

as soon as i got in, someone started blaring music as loud as could be; and so i snapped. jessica took me to the gas station so i could pick up some cigarettes; i ended up apologizing to everyone, and tried to reflect on things as they happened.

i'm trying to use this time to refresh myself spiritually and emotionally to take in all the lessons as well as the potential friendships created and the simple beauty of this place. we went up to a hill to play a few games (with team building strategies secretly embedded) when there was a gust of wind that blew down a shower of spade-shaped leaves. i don't know who else was watching, but it was beautiful.

i'm attempting to be more positive through all this, because i know i struggle with time-imposing. i don't like being told when to eat, when to go somewhere, how long to reflect; all of this is part of the team building challenge. we are learning to function as an efficient unit of organized adults preparing to make a difference; now is the time to put away our youthful know-all egos and begin to step into those roles of the community-oriented adult.

another goal i have for this retreat is to be a better listener**; i don't want to just hear what people are saying, but to absorb it and take it into consideration rather than waiting for my turn to speak. part of listening too, is giving others the chance to express themselves. otherwise, no listening is actually taking place.


*i think rob has a tee shirt collection to rival mine.
** this is a goal i am going to try and implement over the course of the program

story of my life

8/30/07

typical me, waiting to the very last moment to do my autobiography, get a birth certificate, find child care for samadhi. at least the first two things really were a surprise; i never received that package. i'll write the biography tonight so i can turn it in tomorrow. hopefully, it's what they need.

i also have to call veronica and see what else needs to be done. after lake geneva, we get to work immediately, diving right in.

the orientation

8/28/07

a lot of new faces: people dropped, it seems a lot of people have had the same problems i've had. missed connections, no callbacks, who knows what.

we filled out a million pieces of paperwork and talked about the potential of our placements. everyone seemed to have trouble with the order of things, we all experienced chaos in one form or another. one guy was so frustrated that he quit because the work as too much.

when i hear things like that, i just have to laugh. knowing my own situation, i am more than ready to admit this will be a challenge, but nothing worth quitting over. i'll make it work.

8/27/07
after yet another week of hearing nothing from the p.a. office, I gave them a call to make sure i wasn't missing anything important any time soon. as it turns out, i am missing a ton of info.

as it happens, there is a meeting tomorrow of which i wasn't informed*. u have already had to be on my p's and q's about this whole thing, lucky for me. i'd be utterly lost. i've only been contacted once since being told i was accepted into the program, and that was to go on another interview even though i've already received a placement.

all of this, along with school, another job, and family life is incredibly stressful; i'm trying to stay positive and motivated on all fronts. my college has an affiliation with the order of franciscans and all of the sisters wear a cross with the letter tau inside. the cross is the same as the red cross' cross; st. francis is my saint of choice.

there is a meeting tomorrow at esperanza unida that will fill me in on the thing that all the other allies probably know. i don't understand how i got so far out of the loop. i try to stay in contact; it feels like i'm really struggling to stay informed, but to no avail.

next week is a field training retreat at lake geneva (9/4-9/7), then it's back to work/school/life/etc. i'm looking forward to the retreat, i need a change of scenery and vacation from my life.

after the retreat,we'll start our daily work,9-5 "core training in the city." i'm not exactly sure what this is about, but i imagine we'll hear more about our placements and their expectations as well as solidifying as a class. monday the 17th is our first day at placements.


*i understand the p.a. office is getting ready for a relocation to the uwm continuing ed office in the grand avenue mall

everything (everyone) has it's place.

8/20/07
last friday, i got a telephone call from raphael at the public allies office wondering if i'd be interested in going on an interview in brookfield at the kidney association. this was a completely unsolicited placement offer from an organization i know nothing about. moderately hesitant, i said i would go.

initially, after the red cross interview with veronica, she said i would know about the position by thursday. well, i got the call from p.a. (from now on, p.a. is public allies) on friday, but without mention of the red cross postion was made.

i didn't want to assume i didn't get the position, so i asked. raphael said it was still an option. i was left hanging. i agreed to give the interview out of sheer concern of not being placed.

this morning, i decided to give a call follow-up call to the red cross. when i spoke with veronica again, she said i had the job*. it's pretty exciting. i get to set my own hours, and i get to talk to people about safety.

*i kept my acceptance letter, as well as the job description. note my sheer delight; the possibilities are endless.

la cruz roja

8/13/07

today at 1, i met with veronica from the american red cross for disaster education outreach. after reading the full description of the job, it seemed pretty cool. it's basically going around to groups telling people about what to do in an emergency.

she had me do two interesting excercizes with a few slips of paper. first i had to oganize a list of adjectives in order of importance to me, which she compared to the values of the red cross. it was a really coll excercize; i'd like to implement it into some kind of activity i'm doing, maybe with samadhi, or even with people who have difficulty expressing themselves conventionally.

the second excercize she did was in relation to a what if situation. the question was, "if you were given an assignment that you didn't know what to do with, how would you handle the situation?" then there were a list of proceedures that should happen. it was a need thing. i liked the excercize; it was a great activity that made me reasses my personal values.

the interview lasted for almost 2 hours; veronica and i got on really well. i guess i'm coming to the conclusion that any placement will probably make me happy.. i like social work, i like being involved in the community*.

this whole experience is teaching me a lot about myself. it's teaching me patience and the importance of self-presentation. i'm starting to see the work and dedication that goes on behind these quiet little groups to help so many people. no credit is given, the jobs are thankless, and that's ok. someone needs to do the work behind the scenes.

i'm anxious to start the process. i want to begin.

*a positive development for myself.

may the panic begin

8/02/07

i guess the ranking sheet was due a few days ago, but since i have nothing to go on, i have nothing to turn in. up and down, trying to ground myself in something strong enough to sturdy me. there is so much weight here but i have to push on, remain calm, and positive.

8/06/07

stopped into the public allies office today because i'd called a bunch of places and have gotten no response or been told they'd never heard of me. that was incredibly discouraging and alarming. all i can think about is what will happen if i don't get a placement, and what that will mean for samadhi and i.

it feels as if my whole life is resting in the palms of some unforseen hands.

8/09/07 restoration

today, hope was restored in my search for p.a. employment. i received a telephone call from veronica carter at the american red cross while at work. i also received a call-back from one of the workers at the guest house. i signed up for a placement there, and i've been improving my spanish for anything, just in case. i'm scheduling interviews for both organizations.

8/11/07 coup de grace

the wind is blowing hard. before my double shift, i called C.O.R.E./el centro about the position; they gave the position to another person*. i knew that was coming. i can still go to the classes, it's still $7.

that made this whole experience more real, the pressure is off. there is more certianty less riding on chance, less opportunity to be let down by anticipated ideas gone awry.

monday, i have the interview at the red cross.

*[ i understand why they gave luis the position; his first language is spanish and also is a dance instructor. luis, i am not mad at you, you are more qualified than me, and you deserve it. if it was anyone else, it had to be you.]

in the heights of mania

7/26/07

at my interview at C.O.R.E./el centro; i'm nervous/excited. work on health of latinos. words. i love this building, this place makes me comfortable, at home. these are people i can relate to, whose struggles and mine are the very same.

i met with one of the directors of the program placement; ana paula is brazilian, i can hear the sway in her voice. the meeting went well, in fact it was great. there were so many good feelings from the whole session, i felt like i could really belong.

only my 2 top choices called me back; it's getting hard to decide which direction i'd like to go [look at me, as if the decision were all mine. this is in hindsight by the way...]; either way i know i'm in for hard work. the experience is exhilarating. i'm still going to call up my other choices and ask what's happening.

also, while at C.O.R.E. i ended up signing up for their fitness classes. i want to try yoga and capoeira. things are great, i'm excited to try everything.

7/27/07 a little boat of happiness overturned

well, i guess my choices are becoming fewer; the LGBT center pulled out of the program and gave everyone a call. i was dissapointed because these 2 organizations were my top two choices, and no one's called me back at all.

i feel i've been very pro-active in the whole of this process, speaking to the organizers and to ally coordinators about specific concerns. it's kind of sad; this program could change my whole life, now i don't even know if i'll have a placement at all. it's incredible how nerver-wracking this is. anxiety is huge. one minute, your hopes are soaring, the next, you're flatlining and haven't the foggiest idea of how to right things.

the reality of the situation is this:
-be placed with an organization (at this point, it doesn't even matter which) and have a fighting chance for samadhi (my beautiful son)and i,
or
-go back to selling drugs to supplement welfare and pray that ends meet.

humble pie

7/24/07

i received a telephone call from anna paula at C.O.R.E yesterday. she told me that whoever takes the postion needs to be fully bilingual, and she wasn't sure if i was going to be able to fill the position.

i admit i was humbled; i am not fully bilingual, but i'd like to be. this job is my number one choice. surrounding myself with like-minded individuals and the latino community would lift my spirit right now. i also think it would compliment my lifestyle, not just benefit others.

what does that mean? i need an internship for me, not just something to write on a resume. i need things that are positive in my life to be a stronger person. quite frankly, i'm again terrified of what this future will bring.

7/25/07
time is on my side...

i woke up this morning a panicked sense that i had missed my interview; lucky for me it wasn't until noon. that gave me time to think about what i wanted to say. the placement was at project q, through the lgbt center. i met kurt, mo, jay, and was re-acquainted with warren. the interview went well and i enjoyed the atmosphere. i think i'd make a good addition to the team, but am still interested in the C.OR.E./el centro position; i feel it would actually change my life.

i was really dissapointed when ana paula called to say she was unsure if i was qualified for the position. it hurt my herat, honestly. to be doubted before i'd even set foot in the door was discouraging. granted, i will need to practice, but i'm actually quite good at spanish, and am confident in myself. (did i just say that?)

i stopped in to the public allies office and spoke to rafael. he encouraged me not ot get down on myself and to give some other organizations a chance ( or, trying not to put all of one's eggs in a single basket.)

ana paula called me back later in the evening to talk about my ability as a bilingual ally.i had a bit more confidence in myself, thanks to the chat with rafael. i'm actually a lot better at spanish than i give myself credit for; i need to trust myself and let the rest just come.

ain't no holla back girl (i'm sorry, i couldn't resist.)

7/20/07
i received the first call-backs today from some of the partner organizations. first, the LGBT center called, scheduled and appointment for noon next week (the 25th of august). i was exhilarated. they already knew me because our family hosted project q events at the house, so there was an instant connection. later on, C.O.R.E./el centro called. these are my two top choices. Ana Paula made sure to mention that i need to be able to speak spanish; i told her i was up to the challenge. it would really improve my vocabulary and give me the opportunity to learn more about wholistic practices. i am thrilled and terrified all at once; i cannot wait to see what the new day will bring.

the beginning, part 2

T.A.L.C. New Vision supports small local high schools in milwaukee that are similar to walden in philosophy. i feel that my school experience there made up a large part of who i am; essentially, i'd like to pass along that experience to a new generation of students.

Y.M.C.A. One-on-One Mentorship sounded like a good opportunity; i've never mentored anyone per se, but i feel i've impacted a lot of lives, both positively and negatively. i would like to channel that intentionally for a change rather than haphazardly tossing my "influence" around like scattering seed.

these are the organizations i chose and would be flattered to be chosen by any at all; there's so much to learn and somany experiences to be had and i can hardly wait.

i do need to work on my punctuality though; it's so easy to be distracted by everything that's been going on in my life that it can be difficult to concentrate. this is such an opportunity and i don't want to mess it up for myself because i can't handle the most basic of personal responsibilities.
i am also turning into my mother.

begin at the beginning

i am always late.
always. in the tradition of those great women in my family, faithfully carrying the torch fifteen to twenty minutes behind schedule, but ever diligent and in earnest.

the second round of interviews was a test; team-building and analytical thinking determined whether or not we were a good fit for the program. i missed the first fifteen minutes of the scheduled interview, so i had to wait for the next group. i burned the next half hour under a tree in the esperanza unida parking lot, and, at the appropriate time, headed back in for first second chance.

there were five of us there, four of which would become allies (one who would promptly quit). amber, jess, and i were able to prove our salt and thereby became part of the proud class of 2008 public allies.

the words that follow are the play-by-play documentation of my experience as a public ally.

7/11/07

i am successfully late once again, goal accomplished. we are having a matching fair to choose our partner programs. each ally has the option to choose six; mine are C.O.R.E./el centro, the guest house of milwaukee, milwaukee lgbt community center, the social development commision, the Y.M.C.A. one-on-one mentorship program, and T.A.L.C.

i chose C.O.R.E./el centro beacuse i am an advocate of the natural community, as wellas wanting to give my time assisting in the hispanic community.

guest house of milwaukee provides support for recovering addicts by providing home, hospitality, and opportunity. i wanted to do this because it would give me the chance to help men like my father and former ex-boyfriend.

milwaukee lgbt community center was something i felt i could use to bond with my mom. they're doing fun things with project q; everyone's involved in it and i feel familiar with the culture.

social development commission was another choice; i am tired of living in poverty amidst the excesses of the world. i want to rise above it and bring others with me.