against a backdrop of the ghede

10/31/07


it's halloween. traditionally, this is my favorite holiday, but over the last couple of years it's been less than spectacular.

last year, i was pregnant and upset; this year, i don't have my son to celebrate with due to some absurd family feud.

even though we've only just begun, i'm already trying to plan what i want to do after my P.A. term is over. i'm not used to working on a salary; it's kind of upsetting because it feels like no matter what, you're going to be putting in more than your fair share of hours (even if it's only out of guilt.) averaging it out, if we get paid hourly and do exactly the minimum of required hours, we're making about $8.83. keep in mind, we are working overtime some weeks, doing things on weekends, and in my case, often working evenings.

this isn't to say i'm complaining. i'm just checking the facts against the reality of being a functional adult. as a waitress with a steady schedule of approximately 35 hours a week, monday through friday, i was making exactly the same amount of money in addition to having a more flexible schedule. why does it cost to help people? how much time can we give without giving up all of our lives, and to what end are we expected to do so? i love to be a part of the community, but how do i do that while maintaining a sense of self, of family?

i guess the point i'm getting at is more personal. it's been difficult to get used to this desk job thing that takes me away from being able to control my own schedule. i volunteered before, and worked because i had to. it was enjoyable and i felt like i was supplementing my life rather than temporarily abandoning it. how do people live "normal" lives, how do they find jobs that they can work without compromising their moral integrity?

i spoke to an army recruiter yesterday for about an hour and a half. she came over to my house and we talked about options. an ominous word, isn't it? i hate that a large portion of my even allowing her in had to do with money. after this whole instance with my mother, i don't ever want anyone to question my ability to provide for my son, nor do i want them to be able to question my intentions for myself.

it's unfortunate that my experience in the P.A. program is shrouded in insecurity; it's got to be factoring into the way i'm filtering the whole thing. it's a defeatist sort of approach, so much in question that i feel as if i can't process the good things adequately.

if anything, i know i really appreciate the training sessions. my desire to be mostly left to soak up the information alone is the only part of the experience i struggle with. i don't even think my disdain for some of the allies' behavior has so much to do with the fact that i have come to distrust people and the recent past has affected me very traumatically, whether anyone acknowledges or realizes it. rape, car accident, being kicked out, a solitary pregnancy, and now this custody battle... so much to absorb with merely human skin. at least when i am listening to the knowledge someone else has to offer, i can find logic in their ration, comfort in their encouragement.

i've been reading a lot while riding public transit. it's easier to focus on being sandwiched between the covers of a good book than being sandwiched between a vapid college freshman and some guy who smells like the culmination of dirty diapers, cheap malt liquor and stale knockoff cologne. currently, it's stacy patton's that mean old yesterday. the book is great, paralleling patton's experience as an abused black foster child to american slavery.

mostly i like that the book holds black culture up to the light as far as some of the asinine practices so many of us liken to being black. the practice of harsh violence used as a means of discipline, faith in a religious institution that is not made for the downtrodden of any color but to control, and of course the perpetuation of self oppression by means of a broken system.

nobody said the book was pleasant.

and so my first halloween as a mother begins, without my little king of the cemetery. in haitian voudoo, bawon samedi is the name of one particularly well-known spirit who controls a group of dead known as the ghede. when i chose samadhi's name (which means "one with god" or "enlightenment" in sanskrit), his father disapproved. he was born in the louisiana bayou, in pre-katrina new orleans. he grew up in that strange culture that celebrates the dead in top hats and sunglasses. now, we have our little prince, king of the cemetery. one with god.

make a difference

10/28/07

i never want to see another pot of chili again. or at least for a long time.

over the past couple of days i made about 6 gallons of chili. my house reeks of chili, there are stray beans migrating all across my kitchen floor. cumin has found its way into the most intimate recesses of my mind. oh chili, why?

it did taste good.

make a difference day was yesterday. it was, to say the least, chaotic. it was still successful, in spite of our frustration on the lack of organizational direction. i will say the green dream team kicked that garden's weedy butt. it looked dramatically different when i left, almost no weeds to be seen. they worked long and hard with little distraction, and i'd like to commend their efforts.



public allies took the guest house of milwaukee by storm. inside, some of us wrestled with equally unglamourous activities such as organizing food, clothes, stray pieces of furniture, and of course envelope stuffing. nothing says non-profit like donation solicitation.

a think a lot of the allies were upset about the lack of presence from our program managers. shana and kate did come, and james was out of town. things were falling apart at the seams after we all heard dave wasn't coming. people were more than pissed that rafael didn't stick around for our hard work.

even the fellows kicked in. tish and i tackled the toiletries pantry; wiping, labelling and organizing gargantuan bottles of liquid soap, scores of family-sized tropical-flavored shampoos, and toothbrushes as far as the eye could see. april and adebesi cleared out a room overburdened with dry good and moldy sandwiches. david wielded gardening tools for the better part of the day.







we all ate lunch together, though not much. i think people had a hard time eating while the guys were around. They were provided food even before we got settled, and we told them if they wanted to help out the volunteers, they were more than welcome to help themselves to what we had brought. almost all of them declined, and eventually finished off the majority of the chili. as long as it didn't have to come home with me.


the best part of the day for me was showing jenni, a former PA employed at the guest house, the progress we made. she was so excited that it made all the crappy stuff kind of unimportant. it's those little moments of victory that really remind you how good it feels to actually be doing something, not just sitting in some meeting all day.



all in all, the day was a success. i hope.

chinacostaricavietnamthailand

10/24/07

had my IDP with james and veronica. still up to my ears in busywork, but not dollar bills. decided to do a goal which revolves around my desire to get TEFL certified, james wants to check in on it in about six months. i can get college credit, but i have to do the classes online, which should take about 2 months. i guess if i don't go out of the country, i can use part of my money from the education grant to pay for it, because it's based out of the roosevelt university in chicago. the only thing is you have to log on every day and do the work online. that could get tricky, i'm awful at the internet.

i was looking at the different places that would let me teach without a b.a. and it looks like china's the best bet. with it's close proximity to india, inclusive housing and the fine art of mandarin, i think i could have a good time with samadhi. apparently, you can also do private tuoring and double your income. sounds like a good way to get things rolling instead of just hoping i can ge myself together, especially considering the declining value of the good old american greenback.

we're all getting ready for make a difference day. our committees have been working on this for a while now, and i'm glad it's almost over. i've got 2 huge boxes of toiletries under my desk, but it smells like a soap box in my office. i kind of loathe it. i'm also making a huge lot of chili for the weekend, because we couldn't get anyone to donate food. dave got annona bistro to donate some brekkie, and i got some stuff from beans and barley, but that's all she wrote.

james and i took the toiletries over to the PA office in the grand, and i ended up on the spot. there was an introductory meeting there and we were all spotlighted amidst chili and donation solicitation. it was nice, april and rob were there too. chili was had by all.

nothing too much exciting. lots of work to be done. i had a presentation at la causa community center, it was really great. the group was so small, and they looked relieved that i could talk with them a bit in spanish and answer their questions. i even got a couple of people interested in volunteering. that would take care of that part of my requirements.

i realized this will be better for me once i complete the requirements of the program. that way, i can focus on having a good time instead of just numbers. numbers give me anxiety attacks.

opening ceremony

10/19/07

it's opening ceremony today. i got up at 5:30 to get to oshkosh at 9? we, of course, were late. it's beyond me that the standard expectations of the programs aren't extended to all members. i'm going to leave that as vague as it is, but i'd appreciate it if everyone respected the constitution.

we didn't leave esperanza unida until 7:30. i recall there being a specific mention that we were leaving at 6:45. we arrived at 9:00, the event began at 8:00 with a breakfast and interaction. we missed the opportunity to introduce ourselves. once again, we are dishevelled public allies. we are rude, loud and late. we spilled into the auditorium bleachers. a poor speaker delivered a read speech on behalf of senator kohl. utterly disengaging.

we said the americorps pledge as a group and each participatory organization was introduced. what can i say? public allies represents.

bob pedersen of goodwill spoke to us. easily he was the most charismatic fellow they'd got. he covered just about every situation and colored each one with stories of hope and inspiration.


on the bus on the way here, jessica, mike and i were having a conversation about this crackhead called "knowledge." mike said he had gotten his hair cut by someone named knowledge; i asked if he meant the crackhead. that led us into a discussion on what knowledge, knowledge had. mike said, "underneath all that crack is a person." it was a really interesting discussion, a change of perspective for those of us who have parents in the same situation as knowledge. are we seeing the person, or are we seeing the problem?

being here at this conference is making me wonder if we aren't the cocky ones of the whole organization. we are the program that is groomed for leadership, yet we can't accomplish the simple tasks of timeliness and responsibility?


the other workers seem very humble, a quietness about them sets us apart. it's not to say we won't do good things, but i wish we could start doing this good and spending less time with this distracting waste.

over all, i'd say this wasn't very efficient, that we'd have been fine at a local non-profit office workshopping. there was a lot of being talked at, as opposed to being talked to. most of our time was spent at lunch... which we should have together more often, during our meetings perhaps.



however, i will say, as rambunctious and rowdy as our class is, we certainly can have a good time. everyone is their own distinct person, each a facet in the gem of this experience. so, perhaps today wasn't wasted. perhaps we could have done something else, but perhaps we did.

as for the americorps members, we didn't really get to meet anyone. we missed the first wave of networking potential, and we stood out. we also left early. was this what that the experience was meant to be? of course not. i want to get more out of these experiences than a free meal.

fire!

10/18/07

the last couple of days have been intense. my first bout of disaster ed presentations (DEPs) was at the pierce street school. i went from class to class with my fire saftey info and smoke detector. i pushed the button; stopped, dropped and rolled, and all that other firey goodness. it was a good time, but i was definitely tired.

in fact, some of the teachers had given their students so much misinformation and spent much of their time talking through my presentation. it was irritating; i wanted to tell them they were wrong and endangering their students. i did a little, but they just got more upset and rearranged the words they were saying without actually changing anything at all.

the that's-not-really-our-job ally

10/10/07

on my way to work this morning, an ambulance whirred past and ducked out of sight down 26th street. i was at the bus stop on 27th and wisconsin. shortly after disappearing around the corner, the lights were gone. no more sirens

as i entered the building, i saw a man with wounds too puffed to be fresh ( swollen eye, cuts puckering out from their origins) and bloodstains dried on a dirty tee. it was all very surreal, awkward way to begin.

much of my time at ARC is spent on independent projects and contacts; occasionally a suggestion is sent my way. so far she's asked me to do a couple of safety tip sheets for HOPE network newspaper (a resource for metro milwaukee's single moms) and to assemble information on particular TWP material both in english and spanish.

i'm learning a lot of things through this placement, including what people take for granted as far as safety and resources are concerned. the gross misinformation is startling. hence disaster education outreach, and my position.

i've always been thinking about the cultural aspect of nonprofits in relation to their functional mission and target demographic. each organization streamlines their particular energies to serve particular needs. as in for-profits, departments and committees develop to meet each need.

here is where i am encountering confusion. since my partner organization is so well-established, it often seems that each department has fallen prey to over-specialization, leading to compartmentalized discontinuity. this lack of common goal leads to lack of communication which, in my opinion, leads to strange alienation.

for instance, when i tabled an event at wisconsin lutheran college, i met a student named april who was interested in giving blood, perhaps even organizing a blood drive. she informed me that she was o+, and that she'd like to give blood twice a month.

this excited me, as o blood types can help the most people, so i took her contact information to pass along. i mentioned her as well as her professed desire to spearhead a blood drive. my excitement was met with little enthusiasm, as well as a discouraging rebuttal:

"that's not really our job."

ouch. cynical familiarity: 1; youthful optimism: 0.

i scream for peach pie

10/02/07

i've been too busy to write! my car broke down, so i've been grounded as far as work and scrambling as far as school is concerned. it's been a tough go, but i'm trying and i can't give up just yet.

last week's training was, for the most part, a more effective happening. the group apologized to each other for disrespect and we even managed to make a few adjustments to the cultural constitution. everyone seemed wary of causing out lashes; people waited to speak, and for the most part, things went smoothly.

we had a fellow named dave come in and talk to us about leadership. intuitive leadership and emotional intelligence (EIQ). the whole theory was directly applicable; he spoke about empathy and social ability as well as doing an exercise in listening. we all paired up and said colors as quickly as possible to 1 partner while the other repeated them. after switching roles and repeating the exercise, we did the same thing with a story. the room got really loud and it was hard, but everyone seemed to enjoy the experience. i'd like to use that exercise in school for the communication project.

after lunch, we talked a bit more about the constitution but then moved on into panel topics. as a group, we reviewed the topics we hope to cover over the course of our friday trainings. we also added topics that interested us. one of the most popular was "hip-hop as a means of social change." kate led the discussion.

closing circle consisted of everyone saying their favorite ice cream or dessert. there were many elaborate descriptions that made even ben and jerry blush, as well as the simple admonitions of vanilla.

i picked peach pie.

understatements

9/22/07

i have school this weekend, and am constantly paralleing p.a. to alverno in a structural sense. both are hard (and often times frustrating). though i struggle with it, i am trying to extract meaning/value from the experience.

i am thinking about my experience yesterday. i could not wait to go home, and ended up getting sick from stress. looking back, some people are incredibly supportive, in spite of how the group responds to my personality.

not to say much about any of the others, but i am grateful for those suportive allies out there. alicia is incredible. though we may not always agree, she's great at expressing herself, making everything clear so there is seldom misunderstanding. dave has not only been encouraging, but also inspiring to me. he pushes me to go on even though he knows how stressful it can all be. arthur and isaac are kind of a team, always checking in on me. i appreciate it.

hopefully, all of this will resolve itself.

what am i doing here?

8/21/07

ally check-in. everyone seems to be happy with their placement; those without one seem a bit down-trodden. it's good to see everyone, the morning is lovely. i feel like i did an awful job with check ins; everyone else has these optimistic and informative statements about their post.

we all have so much do to! it seems like people are already trasforming into working types, though some are more professional/attentive than others. work, work, work. these fridays are intended to be the weekly highlight.

hearing everyone, i know we can all offer one another a ton of help if need be. that's reassuring, because as the experience unfolds, i realize i have absolutely no idea of what i'm doing. ever in life.

we as a society take everything for granted. all this talk about what we have in the city makes me see that milwaukee might not be so bad.

bonnie andrews of the volunteer center is giving us info on volunteering and time managment*. she averages (national v.s. city) why people volunteer, how to relate as professionals to your volunteers, and putting recruitment plans into action with a plug-in excercize.

it's hard to get things done in large groups. everyone is talking along the sides; i can only imagine how the speaker must feel. i also see james getting upset. i understand his frustration, as he has to deal with all of our information (beaurocratic and otherwise) and then attempt to facilitate here. noone is being attentive.

i thought i would look forward to these sessions. by the end of the first half, i can already see this is going to be difficult for me. it tries my patience when people don't understand that we are all adults in a situation which requires self-control and respect. why can't everyone behave as such?

there has been a huge lack of respect for speakers and each other in general. i'm not sure where i can fit into all of this. what are others thinging in relation to the program?

i understand people want to have fun with their new friends and all, but there is a time and place for all that. friday training sessions are not that place. i want to absorb this information; it is relevant to our positions as well as applicable to our lives. it's as if i'm one of few foolishly taking things seriously.

i'll need to figure something out, right now i feel like the official group bitch. this is pushing me, i understand i'm not perfect. maybe i'm taking it to personally? i am seriously questioning whether this is the place for me.

attempting to establish a constitution of sorts. it isn't going well. just venting. granted, this establishes som solid ground, but we're only covering means of basic communication. see: RESPECT.

i am noticing people who are usually reserved speaking out, only to be met with attacks and being spoken over.i'm not angry anymore. sheila pulled me aside and offered some words of wisdom, got into my head. she, and people like her, are uplifting. they are the ones who feel like allies in the true sense.

*with a quote from a reputable KKK member, as later pointed out by kate.

table for 2

9/20/07

today was the first opportunity i had to spend any sort of time with veronica. she's been great so far, the atmosphere is totally relazxed and all she expects is my honesty and hard work. things should go just swell.

i will say this is going to be on of those jobs where they throw you in head first. you learn how to swim quickly, or drown. yesterday, i tabled my first event at concordia university.

of course i was late. however, it wasn't my fault this time! before leaving i asked if the route indicated by mapquest was open, as it is construction season in milwaukee. she said there shouldn't be any problem. i left at ten am as planned, allowing for half an hour's drive time and half an hour to set up the display and materials. as my fine luck would have it, there was construction on every road i needed to drive on.

i arrived at the campus (which was also under construction) at exactly 11:00. there were maybe three students (one of whom was dragged in by his nursing student girlfriend). i did make a connection with a fellow named jon from the greater milwaukee chapter of big brothers big sisters. he kept me entertained as we shared a table. neither of us were important enough to have one set up for us.

that was that, but the week has been great.

9/18/07

so much has passed! school, training, the pinning ceremony, my first day on the job. it's all amazing really, and now i have a moment to catch my breath.

thursday, we had a community tour with reuben harpole in a trolley. we visited a bunch of historical and socially engaging places. we stopped at the site of the steel mill massacre in bayview, the memorial of joshua glover. we started the tour at the U.C.C. (united community center) where elena

is placed. we had an extensive tour, it was really great. the resources are impeccable, as well as the structure of the U.C.C.




friday was the most intensive (excluding the ropes course) training experience i've had to date. in the morning, we met at the uwm school of continuing education (where the milwaukee p.a. is moving, i believe, and are working to get college credits for us *fingers crossed*) and had a number of speakers and a PISD training. veronica came, the allies and partners were paired up.

of course, i had to lose my parking validation. it was wonderful and certainly helped my ever-present tardiness issue. the lot attendant told me i couldn't leave unless i a.) ponied up the $15 or b.) figured something out quick.

naturally, being incredibly poor, i chose option b and set my mind to work. i used to work at the mall and got a receipt from one of my old co-workers. that way, i only had to pay $3 to park, but lost the entirety of my lunch hour (the other part having been taken up by a speaker who was intent on staying the course in spite of having used up her time.)

i made it by the proverbial skin of my teeth to the next and final core in the city location. we met at the black historical society on 27th street. there was a great panel of non-profit workers, teachers, council members. we finished it all out with the pinning ceremony.

i was next to james, and the first person pinned. i have to say that it was a really great experience. it felt like we were all doing this symbolic thing together, committing to do our best.

it's never too early to dream

9/13/07

today's morning session is with todd wellman,
director of training and learning from the national office. we're covering Asset Based Community Development (A.B.C.D.) and have been given a ton of really good tools that i would like to use in my training (personally) this year. i'm really going to focus on bettering myself this year; to take the time to reflect and grow as an individual, to be the best mother i can be for samadhi.



i'm so glad to be a P.A. it's giving me the opportunity to expose my fammily and friends to a variety of resources, in addition to making myself an asset. at first, i wasn't sure these training sessions were going to be helpful; i'm thrilled to be getting so much information. i know i work best when i'm over-loaded with information. this forces me to learn the information as well as organize it so it's accessible when i need it. quite literally, i am a community organizer; i was the logical notekeeper at brewing grounds: i wrote the menus and recipes, proposals, budgets and everything. that is also the role i'm taking in the group now, documenting through journals and photography.

i'm thinking of compiling a cd of all the photos and some original music/artwork from the allies and making it a sort of yearbook for all of us as well as a section of my portfolio. i'd be likely to actually do this with ife.

though we started at the united community center with a tour and training, we went on a trolley ride

with reuben harpole

all over the city of milwaukee. he's a historian and community activist. he filled us in on a lot, and also told me what my african name might be (i was born on a thursday, so my name would be aba) and gave me his card.i'd like to interview him, he's a community asset (vocabulary: someone/something that is a prexisting positive resource within the community).

after each day, reflecting on these training sessions is making me better, more complete. i am going to strat setting goals for myself as well as mapping all these incredible resources. maybe i'll put it on my wall.

all of this is making me re-consider my major at school to non-profit management.


yesterday, i found out most of the P.A. philosophy is based on the alverno curriculum. i also believe alverno offers credits to students who experience extra-curricular activities that are applicable to the learning structure of the school. i am starting to see how this whole thing works and think it can help get me to a place i'd like to be.

united no way

9/12/07

today we meet at the united way. my grandmother called this morning, crying and asking where samadhi was. she gets frantic sometimes, and so i ended up going over to check up on her. when i got there, the burners on the stove were still warm. she turns them on when she gets cold, but turned them off because she knows i don't approve. i comforted her for a little while and was a half hour late to the day's training.

our first session was "seven laws of managing up" the essential summary of the goals were: remain humble; use discretion in your words; uphold your integrity; be about actions, not about words; know your place in the heirarchy (in order to appropriately navigate where you want to be); plan ahead; and work smarter, not harder.

we read adebesi's article on power, which brought up a lot of interesting discussion. we talked about the use and abuse of power, proper application of power, and about reliquishing power at the appropriate times.

shana brought the word "empower" into the conversation; i created a slogan for the day in relation to the application: power to empower. tee also brought up a good acronym to evaluate if what you are going to say is important Why Am I Talking? (W.A.I.T.) wait is a really good way for me to apply the essential components of listening and thoughtful speech. communication requires much self-assessment; am i wasting breath, or are my words valuable to others?

2 applicable parables to the session: "better a wise man to remain silent and be perceived a fool than to speak and remove all doubt." micah said, in relation to preparation: "proper preparation prevents piss-poor performance."

that was the basis of our first session, after which megan, alicia, jenny, shannon, and i went for lunch at the public market. it was my first non-group encounter with more than one ally at a time. it was interesting to see them intimately, having a moment to come out of the program shell.

the second session was forming our first SMART goal. funny, because my first goal is to maintain patience with people and situations which otherwise test me. i had to list 3 ways to move toward that goal:
1. remain calm
2. hear someone without bias
3. analyze less, accept more

next, i had to find ways to make steps toward these attempts
1. in order to remain calm, i need not over-react; breathe; and level myself internally.
2. to really hear someone without bias, i shouldn't jump to conclusions; i need to practice active listening; and not to judge.
3. to analyze less and accept more, i need to aknowledge that mine isn't the only way; take things at face value rather than assuming; and keep an open mind.

over a 10-month timeline, i developed a way to get to my goal. in the first 2 months, i want to practice nonbiased listening. over the first 4 months, i want to work on my patience. over the first 6 months, i want to apply the training of communication i'm learning through school. in 8 months, i would like to have a better grasp on lovingkindness. over the course of the 10 months, i would like to develop a grasp on mindfulness.

a little later on, the national c.e.o. and president of public allies, paul schmitz,

came in and talked to us about the directional compass model of personal analysis.

visionaries

mobilizers nurturers

analysts

we broke into groups based on our intuitive decisions. i was in the visionary group where we primarily decided we were a group of dreamers and creators. our shortcomings became strikingly apparent.


as we were trying to discuss everything, no one was listening to one another. there was too much ego, too much disinterest. everyone was involved in sidebar conversations, and talking over each other. i eventually gave up, handed over my notebook, and walked out the door.

already, i have failed my first task, forgotten my first goal. i needed to calm down, so i created my own acronym (they seemed to be helping today):
Patience, Accept, Understand, Synthesize, Encourage. P.A.U.S.E.

i think this will be a simple way for me to maintain a forward drive and reach my goal.

what's your sign

9/11/07

today's seminars were on finances (credit reports, analysis of budgets, and other systems), and personality types.

i'm having a hard time digesting this analysis procedure. it seems as if much of this is seriously conflicting with the stereotypical models we were talking about earlier. i think these theories are too narrow; there are too many possibilities out there, and so i don't feel the spectrum here is broad enough.



i'm listening, but i don't understand the function here. the order of these sessions is challenging me in terms of logic. ticara brought up astrological signs, and to me (and most people, it seemed)that made sense. astrological signs are related to the season in which they fall, and can affect the circumstances of one's life that way. summer babies, spring babies, fall babies, winter babies. we have experiences and are brought up under the auspicious events coinciding with the seasons of our birth, and therefore our signs.

i actually admit this is the first session i haven't enjoyed so far; tomorrow i may have a mental evolution and change my mind completely. i am seeing myself grow but at the same time, recess so quickly, swinging back and forth with little discretion or bias.

old friends

9/10/07

i arrived an entire hour early for the training session. james was waiting in the rain, i invited him into the car and we chatted a bit about the program. everyone is pretty comfortable with each other now. it's interesting to see the intrinsic relationships, the way that people are leaning towards each other in these new friendships.

for the first session, we talked about the 4 basic requirements of graduation: 1.)presentation of learning, or POL 2.)Portfolios, professional and personal 3.)360 evaluation/IDP and 4.) personal inventory service document, or PISD. aren't acronyms the cutest?

we had a panel discussion from former allies dave and susan.


we took a break and re-convened at the friend's meeting house (ironically) to talk about diversity. these are going to be big fights, close to personal parts of our hearts. everyone is still walking on eggshells and trying not to offend each other; perhaps this is everyone's way of trying to use the appropriate language and thereby learn about diversity through sympathetic eyes. i can't say just yet.

i know one of my goals is to be a better listener, but these topics set me aflame. round two is a bit more truthful, people are beginning to reveal their "personal prejudices" as well as fears of being discriminated against. this is a learning experience for me; the conflict of interests makes for learning experiences.

the topic of self-hatred has been brought up. that is the root of so many of these problems. if we could see beyond our own issues and insecurities, problems would dissipate.

blurring the lines

i've decided to incorporate my real life (non-p.a. stuff)in all of this chronicle. it is, after all, my own experience- why not season it with my own flavor? since returning from the retreat, i find myself trying to apply the skills learned subconsciously.

in spite of the fact that my ENTIRE body aches beyond belief, i've tried integrating the mapping and engaging skills into projects at school as well as establishing S.M.A.R.T. goals. i think my classmates hate me for making everything more complicated than it needs to be.

i've also noted the insane parallels in my life. alverno has 8 key principles that are required criteria for graduation: communication, analysis, problem-solving, valuing in decision-making, social interaction, developing a global perspective, effective citizenship, and aesthetic engagement.

sound familiar to anyone?

return to the city

9/8/07

being back in the city is so strange now, it's so very loud. no more peaceful crickets, no more watery blackness, no more anything. i actually did the ropes course, and my body aches in places i never knew i could hurt. it was heart-in-throat, but everyone managed (go team!) and nobody died. part of the fear was liberating, part of it paralyzing. i don't think i feel any stronger or better having done it, but am now glad it's over.

the ride home was nice; silent and intimate, away from all the people. it's also given me the time to reflect on the actual lessons we've learned over the course of the weekend. in spite of my best effort to avoid engagement in the activities i didn't want to participate in, i learned a lot and had a great time.

life maps!

9/06/07

so, we're doing/sharing our life maps with the p.a. group. everyone is really similar, very different. either we're fresh-start convicts, single parents, and crack babies; or over-indulged, world-travelled denizens from two parent families.

and so many of us are broken. how are we going to work together in these strange circumstances? a lof of the stories are heart-wrenching. this is now our "community." we are going to have to get beyond our differences, beyond skincolors and religions. we are going to have to be the difference.

life maps?

8/06/07

today we're focusing on the metaphor "into the wilderness," which essentially entails telling our stories of trying times, the hopes and fears that came from the situation, as well as the outcome-- how we got "out of the wilderness."

we shared stories with one or two people and discussed the parallels of hope in the potential of each struggle. dave and micah brought up the fact that in traditional story archetypes, the journey is what makes the character an unmistakable hero. essentially, it's not the destination that validates the experience, but the means by which it is achieved.

we also watched a few sections from a film about the importance of story-telling. that led into the planning and creating of life maps. our life maps are intended to show who we are by means of personal backgrounds and life experiences. these things comprise our ethical, social, and familial perspectives.

this is a daunting task. i mainly deal in fiction, and getting into my own life is a bit too real. but, as we were talking about story-telling, shauna asked us to push beyond those comfort zones and just try to be real. so here i go, and i am terrified.