in the heights of mania

7/26/07

at my interview at C.O.R.E./el centro; i'm nervous/excited. work on health of latinos. words. i love this building, this place makes me comfortable, at home. these are people i can relate to, whose struggles and mine are the very same.

i met with one of the directors of the program placement; ana paula is brazilian, i can hear the sway in her voice. the meeting went well, in fact it was great. there were so many good feelings from the whole session, i felt like i could really belong.

only my 2 top choices called me back; it's getting hard to decide which direction i'd like to go [look at me, as if the decision were all mine. this is in hindsight by the way...]; either way i know i'm in for hard work. the experience is exhilarating. i'm still going to call up my other choices and ask what's happening.

also, while at C.O.R.E. i ended up signing up for their fitness classes. i want to try yoga and capoeira. things are great, i'm excited to try everything.

7/27/07 a little boat of happiness overturned

well, i guess my choices are becoming fewer; the LGBT center pulled out of the program and gave everyone a call. i was dissapointed because these 2 organizations were my top two choices, and no one's called me back at all.

i feel i've been very pro-active in the whole of this process, speaking to the organizers and to ally coordinators about specific concerns. it's kind of sad; this program could change my whole life, now i don't even know if i'll have a placement at all. it's incredible how nerver-wracking this is. anxiety is huge. one minute, your hopes are soaring, the next, you're flatlining and haven't the foggiest idea of how to right things.

the reality of the situation is this:
-be placed with an organization (at this point, it doesn't even matter which) and have a fighting chance for samadhi (my beautiful son)and i,
or
-go back to selling drugs to supplement welfare and pray that ends meet.