constructive criticism?

2/3/08

thinking about the tsp meeting we had friday. we were supposed to do gift seats, but couldn't as one of our members was absent (which happens more often than not, unfortunately.)

fortunately, we were meeting at the red cross. i had all the paperwork up in my office and access to our gmail account, so we had our first full-blown teaspoon.

so far, we've received proposals from two of the twentysomething organizations, and tsp review is only a week and a half away. ine proposal was from walnut way, one from growing power. growing power wants us to do a sort of database for them; so does walnut way. only the latter has more of a service aspect, so i believe we are leaning more that direction.

at the meeting, we talked about the walnut way project, and the whole group got really animated. everyone seemed inspired, ideas flew left and right. notes were taken and flow charts were made. even james remarked how astonished he was to see this level of by-in.

of course, our group inevitably has bumps. the joviality would not last long. as we were deciding how to handle the proposal (and ultimately, the deligate meeting with the organization.) we were in agreement that the process needed formality, and professionalism. some suggested a letter, others were in favor of a presentation.

since i've been pretty hands-off, with the exception of writing the initial RFP, i suggested we do both a letter and a presentation. i thought it would be best if we handled it this way because it's traditional to have both a letter of acceptance (and, consequently, any letters of denial) as well as a memorandum of understanding, which i thought would be well-delivered as a powerpoint.

one of my teammates immediately gnashed her teeth, informing me that i was not the boss of everything. the statement really cut me because i've been working on some issues, one of which was being overbearing or controlling. someone brought it up at midyear, and it's been in the forefront of my mind since, so i've made strong efforts to let everyone be a part of things.

i felt that the comment was unwarrented in this instant, but it was too late. i immediately disengaged. i felt my face flush and nearly broke down in tears. it's hard for me to work when i fell my contributions are not appreciated. i sat silent, barely making eye contact for the remainder of the meeting.

on of the other allies took the initiative to ask us to put the issue aside. i told her i was trying, but couldn't get over how upset i was about the whole thing. i felt like i've worked too hard in any capacity to be spoken to in that manner.

the offending party spoke to me after the meeting, offering an apology and some words that i waasn't too sure how to take. i listened to what she had to say, but i don't know that i feel they were genuine. if they were, what's the next step? and if they weren't, what then?

it's getting to a point in the program where i'm realizing that any sort of positive experience i am going to have personally is entirely up to me. there is no way i can please anyone but myself, and so that is what i'm working to do. so long as i'm not stepping too much on anyone else's toes, that's all i can do to get what i need out of this experience and go about my life with a better understanding of relationships in general.

there's more i feel i will learn in this program, but i'm not sure if it's what i thought i would get, and it's definitely not easy.