3/19/08

"when dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane."
-hermann hesse

another day beneath the wheel. yesterday i was called from work to pick up samadhi from daycare because he had diarrhea. i know, not very glamorous, but an unfortunate truth. i picked him up, and was promptly informed that he could not return to daycare the following day without a note from the doctor.

i've been feverishly ill (my temperature lingering between 100 and 102) for about 3 days, and have stayed at work for two reasons:

1. i'm too poor to go to the doctor
2. i can't miss much work as all of my personal days have essentially been used up for custody hearings.


having given it some thought, it's really pointless to have the americorps health insurance, because state insurance is infinitely better. in fact, if i worked an easy job, i'd still qualify for state health insurance, child care, and food stamps. i'd never have to work weekends, and probably not too many evenings, either.

i keep asking myself, why am i doing this? it seems like i work so hard to do good, only to be batted down by injustice. the struggle to survive in a healthy way (mentally emotionally, etc) in a world full of robots, naysayers, bastards and pharisees is taking a toll. i am ill, and it's from stress wearing down my immunity, from negativity bearing down on me. i work hard, despite the little reward. i sacrifice, i act. yet, it's as if it's never enough.

again, i find myself asking, why? but i already know the answer. sometimes, i forget things i already know. i know that good work usually goes unrewarded. honesty is expected, and dishonesty is often times overlooked. but these are not my truths. my truths are simple and natural. my truths are holistic and do no harm. my truths are unconventional in the sense that they go back beyond where we are now. my truths are ancient:

earth my body
water my blood
air my breath
and fire my spirit.
-elemental chant

i do know that in spite of the consequences, i have to do what is right. i have to give, even if nothing is coming back right now. i can only hope, not expect, that it will come eventually in some karmic retribution. i know real family and true friends are the best medicine you could ask for.a bit crunchy, yes. but it works for me a whole lot better than anti-depressants . i'm not quite sure how i'm going to make it through the rest of this term with my dignity intact, but i'll do my best regardless of the silly obstacles.