how i'm doing, so far.

3/27/08

i'm having a slow week. overcoming sickness, combating weather blues, and trying to stay afloat are wearing me thin. i told veronica i feel like a vacuum salesman. it's a sales job, she said. i didn't plan on having to sell anything. i planned on doing some good. word got round that i'm bored here. you shouldn't be bored. there's plenty for you to do here. did anyone spread the word that this just might not be the fit for me?

while i can be very persuasive when it comes to my personal beliefs, i was never a very good salesperson. i failed miserably at telemarketing because i couldn't push people if they weren't obviously interested. i have a hard time calling people and insisting they let me come and speak. it's not to say i'm not making the effort to connect. i've exhausted many methods. i've called, emailed, sent out letters, asked people to spread the word. now, i feel all i can do is wait.

i'm feeling stuck. i have a lot of conflicting feelings about all of this, the program, my placement, and my life in general. there are plenty of unresolved issues, from general dissatisfaction to wrestling with perpetual feelings of inadequacy. i'm not sure where to be with all of this. i know the program has given me opportunities, but it's also presented me with many struggles.

naturally, i have been dissatisfied with some things. there are, however, a few things i've learned. of these, i think the most important is the sense of self-satisfaction. i have met adversity, and have overcome it, and have even gotten the better of it. i've been recognized for my hard work and integrity. i've not only met goals, but have grossly over-succeeded.

i guess this is my way of saying that i'm proud of myself. i'm proud of all the work i've done, and of how far i have come in this short time. it's been a stepping stone (in some cases, a sinking pillar) toward my eventual happiness. there are things i've done during this term that would likely have gone by the wayside at any other time.

success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.
- winston churchill