out brief candle.

12/12/07

it's been a while, but much has passed. of course, we had a friday training session, but there was also a tragic event.

in order not to lose my thoughts on it, i'd like to cover the friday training. we met at the LGBT center again on court street. the training was called "diversity and oppression: heterosexism" and the facilitator was our own todd wellman of the national PA office.

in spite of his attempts to make it more about the normalization of heterosexist ideas, i do feel it was largely about homosexual culture. todd did a good job of making the topic more approachable for those among us who perhaps are insecure about their sexuality, or for those who blatantly oppose the idea of the LGBT community. we covered the terms 'homophobia' and 'heterosexism' thoroughly, which set the tone for our discussion.

breaking off into groups, we were assigned a list of questions to discuss. i found that most people grew up with negative introductions to homosexuality from either their families or church groups. for me, it was hard to understand. i grew up in a pretty accepting family, speckled with not only LGBT members, but also more multiracial children than singular ethnicity babies. from this experience, i likened the idea of being LGBT to that of being black.

black, to me, isn't something that needs explaining. it doesn't need to be discussed in a serious manner, nor does it need to be frowned upon. if you are black, you just are. likewise for me if you are LGBT.

many of the females in the program identify with the LGBT community. in fact, many of us have had same-sex or 'non-traditional' relationships. to my knowledge, none of the men have openly admitted to any experience and in fact shut down. is it because they are afraid of being identified as gay? not men?

this also sparks in interest in me as far as the overall demographic of society: most of the men in our group are minorities. traditionally, minority men are the least likely to speak on the topics in a positive way. also, we were missing 1 of our three white males... what would his opinion have been? would he have been comfortable sharing it? what about the latino community? so many of us are accustomed to the white and black views on the topic.

i will say i was surprised that it went as well as it did. there was one thing that i would have liked to change though. at the end of the discussion, there was a fishbowl exercises where several self-identified LGBT sat in the center of the group ad had a discussion on what it was like to be 'queer.' i understand the intention as to make this aspect of living more accessible in terms of personalizing the issue, but i don't really feel it's effective. because there is so much stigma attached, i think this exercise would have been best done anonymously. that way, i feel that more of the 'closeted' LGBT allies would have contributed.

drawing from my own experience, i guess the topic was something we needed to have. i just wish it might have gone in another direction. todd did a good job, and we got through a lot of work on friday that must have left people thinking.


now, for the other event. monday morning, i got into my office to find one of my coworkers had committed suicide sunday afternoon. i wrote a reflection on it, but didn't feel right putting it up right away. i wanted to let my feelings mature on it a bit more before i really put it out there for everyone to see. here's the bit i did. it's incomplete and barely cohesive, but for posterity, i think the truth of it maintains some of the integrity.

12/10/07
last night i dreamed a strange dream about being taken to some kind of emotional studies with a bizarre psychologist in a white lab coat. the building was sterile, brushed steel and fluorescent bulbs. there were televisions playing clips of young girls writhing in cages (no older than me). they were fetishized, in pvc clothing and pancaked makeup. it was important for some reason. the psychologist kept asking me how i felt, what did the images mean to me? he pried. it was disturbing for some reason.

this morning i got into my office, the new executive director came into my office quickly and quietly. i felt heavy, unsure. one of my co-workers committed suicide this weekend, jumped off a bridge on sunday afternoon.

what do you say to that? it's a different kind of environment, you spend time with these people out of necessity, but find yourself developing relationships. i didn't know this gentleman very well, but everyone at work has become so close. he's been working here since 1994 and a ton of people were close to him, including my boss.

veronica came into the office this morning shortly after me. she was so happy, one smile away from bursting into song. i panicked. knowing i wasn't the appropriate person to tell her the news, i insisted she please speak to the chapter executive.

a few moments later, i heard wailing and sobs. again, i panicked. what does one do? (one does what one must, right?) veronica is a very religious person, so she was grieving for a close friend who had taken his life.

people are wearing their grief openly here. i don't exactly know how to go about handling this situation. everyone here is so close, they've been here so long. it's as if a piece of everyone has gone.

i am not sure where to fit in to all of this. i am here, and their emotions affect me greatly. especially veronica, because she's making a great effort to be there for me through all my own issues. she encourages me, and still offers time-tested wisdom.

so, that's what i came up with. i'm not going to try and encapsulate it. there's nothing more to say about it. it just makes you realize that life truly can stop at any moment, people are hurting inside whether you know it or not. love one another, and take care.